Extrinsically and Intrinsically Valuable Activities
Love doesn’t make the world go ’round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
ELIZABETH BARRETT BROWNING
Aristotle—and many others—distinguished between extrinsically and intrinsically valuable activities.7 An extrinsic (or instrumental) activity is a means to an external goal; its value lies in achieving that goal. Goal-oriented activities are assessed on the basis of efficiency—that is, the ratio of benefits to costs. Time is one of the resources that we try to save when engaging in instrumental activities. Examples of such activities are building a house, paying bills, cleaning the house, and being interviewed for a job. We do not value these activities in themselves—in fact, we may even resent performing them. Nevertheless, in the spirit of “Those who sow in tears will reap in pleasure,” we engage in such activities when their external goals are beneficial.
With an intrinsically valuable activity, our interest is focused on the activity itself, not its results. Although such an activity has results, it is not performed in order to achieve them; rather, its value is in the activity itself. Reading a book is an example of an intrinsically valuable activity. Unless we are sleep-deprived undergraduates, we read books because we value doing so and not because of a certain external goal (such as passing our courses); accordingly, we do not try to finish reading as quickly as possible. Moral activity, which is accompanied by the pleasure of helping other people—without regard for cost-benefit calculations—is another example of an intrinsically valuable activity. Such activities have a built-in system of reward. Despite the lack of external goals, they are largely responsible for the quality of our lives. As the Roman poet Ovid said, “Nothing is more useful to mankind than those arts which have no utility.”
Most human activities can have both intrinsic and instrumental value. Take, for example, dancing, which can be an intrinsically valuable activity if our focus is on the experience itself. Dancing can also be an extrinsically valuable activity whose goal is to find a romantic partner. In this case, our attention is not focused on dancing but on those in the dance hall—here, dancing is a means of achieving an external goal, as quickly as possible.
The combination of intrinsicality and profundity enables an experience to endure. Thus, if someone considers painting as meaningful for her flourishing, she cannot “be done with” painting. She can merely stop painting from time to time, or she can finish painting a particular picture. Similarly, if we consider deliberative thinking as an essential intrinsic activity for flourishing, we never “finish” such activities; we only stop performing them occasionally. Profound intrinsic experiences are the stuff of which our flourishing is made. In profound intrinsic activities, time not only seems to pass quickly (this is also true for superficial intrinsic activities), but we also remember profound intrinsic activities for a long time. They have a short-long pattern (short while they last, long in memory) as opposed to superficial intrinsic activities, which have a short-short pattern.8
Another related criterion for an intrinsically valuable activity, according to Aristotle, is that it is complete, as there is no external goal that it must achieve in order to be fulfilled. In this sense, it is an ongoing activity that does not have an inherent specific target: it is a never-ending process. External circumstances can get in the way of the performance of such activities—hence, their vulnerable nature; however, usually such circumstances cannot stop the activities or their completion.9
A profound intrinsic activity is complete in another aspect: while engaging in such activity, our attention is completely absorbed by it. Accordingly, we can, for example, continue the activity for many hours without feeling hungry. In such circumstances, people are sometimes unaware of themselves as separate from their activities.10 This is because such activities have great significance for the individual’s self-identity.
Human flourishing is not a temporary state of superficial pleasure; rather, it refers to a longer period involving the fulfillment of natural human capacities. A relationship in which the partner has no intrinsic value is not genuine love. However, we can speak about love that is not fully intrinsic, in the sense that it is not comprehensive, as it does not refer to all aspects of the partner’s flourishing. Thus, a man who loves his wife dearly and has put her on a pedestal can consider his wife’s overall flourishing to have intrinsic value, but he might not consider her professional flourishing to have such value, as this flourishing could feel threatening to him. If this is the case, he might object to her going on work-related trips alone or be unhappy when she is promoted.
And now we come to the sticky relationship question of giving full intrinsic value to the beloved in the context of romantic love. It is commonly believed that one’s beloved holds this intrinsic value for as long as she is with the loving person—and no longer. The intrinsic value is conditional on the beloved’s staying with this person. Do I want my beloved to be happy more than I want her to be with me? The answer from the angle of parental love would be yes, but in romantic love, the case is more complicated.
For many people, love involves the wish for good things to happen to the other person, with no benefit to the one who loves. The lover wishes the other’s benefit for its own sake, without calculating whether there is any personal benefit to be drawn. Such love implies that loving someone also means letting her go, if it will increase her happiness and flourishing. In Alice Munro’s poignant short story “The Bear Came over the Mountain,” Fiona, who has been married to Grant for forty-five years, has been placed in a nursing home because of memory problems. She develops a strong attachment to another resident, Aubrey, who is in an even worse condition. When Aubrey’s wife, Marian, removes him from the nursing home, Grant tries to persuade Marian to bring Aubrey back to the home because Fiona and Aubrey’s relationship is beneficial for both patients.
To sum up, profound intrinsic activities, and, to a lesser extent, superficial ones, are vital to the development of enduring love. This is true for the following related reasons: (a) the partner is treated as having her own worth and not as a means for achieving the other’s ends; (b) such activities are ongoing activities that can endure for a long time, unlike instrumental activities, which end the moment the goal has been achieved; (c) they are complete in the sense that one is satisfied throughout the performance of the activities; (d) they often relate to basic needs rather than to fleeting wants; and (e) they involve deep satisfaction and not merely momentary pleasure. Thus, we can say that if intrinsic activities are an essential part of a romantic relationship and of the lovers’ own lives, the prospects of the relationship enduring for a long time and being a part of the lovers’ good life are rather good.
External Change and Intrinsic Development
All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.
ELLEN GLASGOW
During the first year of marriage, put a quarter in a jar each time you make love. Then during the second year, take a quarter out each time you make love. At the end of the second year go to a good restaurant with what’s left.
UNKNOWN
As we all know, over time, things can become boring. With this sense of boredom, emotional intensity can plummet. Change is frequently prescribed as a remedy for boredom. Should we then change our romantic partners in order to fan the romantic flames? In addressing this question, I distinguish between external change and intrinsic development (growth).11
Change is commonly taken to mean becoming different, typically without permanently losing one’s characteristics or essence. Development is a specific type of change that involves a process of improving by expanding or refining. In its full sense, development involves becoming deeper and better. Acute emotions express our sensitivity to immediate change, whose time scale is often seconds or minutes. However, we also need a sensitivity to processes enduring months and years, which are essential for our thriving. In such sensitivity, reasoning, which combines past and present experie
nces with future development, is crucial.12
In this context, Tibor Scitovsky distinguishes between circumstantial changes (“comforts”), such as finding a new place to live or acquiring a new car, and activities that provide new experiences and possibilities, like meeting new people or getting a new job. Whereas circumstantial changes deliver partial and intermittent pleasure, and the individual eventually adapts to the new circumstances, new activities that open our horizons can yield profound satisfaction, challenges, and fulfillment.13
The term “development” can be used in a limited sense of being deeper, but not necessarily improving. The process of improving and becoming deeper requires time to know the partner better, thereby taking account of objective reality—that is, the lover’s unique personality and circumstances. Such a process of development has a meaningful direction and can be considered an achievement.
The importance of development over time in the romantic realm is expressed in the fact that although profound love at first sight is not possible, intense sexual desire at first sight is. Likewise, stimulation, as one might experience in masturbation, might provide greater sexual intensity than intercourse, but it does not increase romantic profundity. The external change underlying intense love is a one-time, simple event expressed in an acute emotion, or, at most, in an extended one; such a change has a brief impact, since one quickly adapts to it.
The growth underlying profound love is continuous; hence, it is associated with moderate intensity. The process of romantic development leads people to attempt to improve themselves by, for example, increasing their connectedness. We can speak here about an “upward spiral.” In romantic love, these circumstances generate the phenomenon of bringing out the best in each other, which is so crucial for long-term profound love.14
External changes and intrinsic development operate on different time scales—that of the first is quite short, and that of the second can take years. A significant development on the intrinsic scale could reduce the need for external changes. Whereas the impact of external change depends largely on good timing, intrinsic development is constituted by time. In the case of external change, the individual remains essentially the same, and change is needed to alleviate boredom; in the case of intrinsic, meaningful development, one is continually developing. This means that relying too much on external causes for our romantic satisfaction can upset the balance between our profound and superficial values in a way that we really do not want. Development improves us in a direction that we consider valuable, and, objectively, it is indeed better for us.
Profound love has the potential to nurture growth and improvement and to bring out the best in both lovers. Shared emotional experiences and joint activities are certainly an important aspect of romantic amplification. Moreover, research has demonstrated that when a close romantic partner sees and acts toward you in a manner that matches your ideal self, you move nearer toward that self. This has been colorfully termed “the Michelangelo Phenomenon.” Just as Michelangelo saw his process of sculpting as releasing the ideal forms hidden in the marble, our romantic partners “sculpt” us in light of our ideal self. Close partners sculpt one another in a manner that brings each individual closer to his or her ideal self, thus bringing out the best in each other and making both feel good about themselves. In such relationships, we see personal growth and flourishing in statements like “I’m a better person when I am with her.”15
The process of development is a joint task of the two partners; hence, the changes will likely be reciprocal. Take, for example, the case of an absent-minded man and his super-sensitive wife. The wife might wish to cause a change in her husband that would lead him to be more mindful of her needs and more attentive to their relationship. The husband might want to bring about a change in his partner that would lead her to prioritize differently and attach less importance to every detail of his behavior, thus enabling her to become more tolerant of his “mistakes.” One can try to change his or her partner (and self) by taking an interest in what the other enjoys. If you like, say, rap music, trying to help your partner appreciate such music would enhance the quality of your togetherness. Likewise, your partner’s desire to share your interest will open up windows onto your world, thereby increasing mutual understanding and sharing.
External change has become the go-to stick for stoking the romantic fire. Think, for instance, of changing a partner, or at least taking an occasional walk on the wild side. Making changes within the couple’s relationship, like exploring new places or new activities together, produces less intensity—and at first seems like a kind of pauper’s joy. However, when we distinguish between romantic intensity and profundity, these joint interactions go from being a pauper’s joy to a millionaire’s dream—a powerful engine for the development and enhancement of love. Romantic profundity develops through a gradual ongoing process involving reciprocal intrinsic activities whose value increases with familiarity and use. External changes can increase the intensity of romantic flames, but the heart of the enduring romantic connection lies in its intrinsic development.
Our accelerated cyber society is addicted to external change. Investing time in profound endeavors, including romantic relations, is not our first—or second or third—choice of activity. Yet romantic depth requires serious time investment. Over the past few decades, spouses have spent less and less time together, with work taking more and more of the clock share. And stress, information overload, and multitasking have made the moments that spouses do spend with one another feel less good.16
In this book, the term “development” is used in a broad sense that implies becoming both deeper and better. But what about the development of negative relations? In everyday life, we do speak about the development of hatred or envious relationships. This is a narrow sense of development, becoming deeper but not improving. The development involved in negative emotions is often less complex than that which is involved in positive emotions. As we have noted, destroying is far less complicated than building. However, when taking into account the individual coping with the negative situation, as, for example, in grief, we can speak about development also in the broad sense, involving improving as well.17
Lack of interaction typically decreases romantic profundity, which is built through joint activities. In hate, the impact is often bidirectional. Lack of interaction can indeed prevent reappraising the individual’s negative evaluation, thereby maintaining the hate. Conversely, lack of interaction could make the hated person less central in the individual’s emotional environment, thereby decreasing the hate. Greater interaction can decrease hate, as novel, more comprehensive information changes the initial negative evaluation. Yet greater interaction may make the conflict more central, leaving the individual without an escape route. Thus, the Roman historian Tacitus informed his audience that hatred is most violent when it is directed toward family. In such a case, we are unable to distance ourselves from the hated person. Hate “tastes” worst, that is, its negative intensity is highest, when it is fresh. Yet, when hate is not merely a temporary eruption but a constant feature, it distorts the individual’s behavior and attitudes. Thus, its moral value worsens with maturity.
Synchrony and Responsiveness
I find that when you open the door toward openness and transparency, a lot of people will follow you through.
KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND
As the tie between two lovers lies at the heart of romantic love, how they interact with each other is one of the building blocks of such love. In this regard, I distinguish between three phenomena: synchrony, responsiveness, and resonance. Synchrony, in the sense used here, refers to the coordination of time or rate between two (or more) people. Thus, we can speak about synchrony between a couple when they dance, have sex, or dine together. Responsiveness has to do with partners interacting in ways that include understanding, valuing, and supporting each other in meeting important personal needs and goals. Romantic resonance is typically a high-level type of romantic respons
iveness that involves an ongoing, dynamic reciprocity. It reinforces or prolongs the romantic connection by a sort of mutual “vibration.”
Synchrony can take place between two systems, such as two people, or between different levels within a given system—for example, the neurological and psychological levels, as when brain activities are synchronized with intense sexual desire. My main concern here is with the first type. A primary function of synchrony is to mark and develop similarity with others. Similarity is crucial in the romantic connection, and synchrony is a kind of a dynamic temporal similarity. Synchrony, whose lower level can be just mimicry, constitutes a basic signal by which we interpret similarity, and, consequently, tunes subsequent emotional experiences and behaviors. Thus, synchronized movement increases rapport, liking, and prosocial behavior. Synchrony can be part of higher-level experiences, such as positive responsivity and romantic resonance.
The Arc of Love Page 8