Interestingly, desire for exclusivity arises in romantic love, but not in hate. On the contrary, in hate, we want to see our negative attitude shared by others. It seems natural that we want to share our negative judgment with others, while wanting to keep the positive part to ourselves. When we are happy, we are more open to being attentive to other people, but we might safeguard the source of our happiness. When we are miserable, we often cut our connections with other people but feel a sense of satisfaction if others are miserable as well.
To sum up, it is not illogical to hate the one you love. But it certainly makes life less emotionally comfortable, which in turn can reduce the quality of the relationship.
Robust Romantic Relationships
I love men. They are intelligent and sensitive, but there’s also that hard-edged arrogant side, which is just so attractive.
RACHEL HUNTER
The distinction between romantic intensity and profundity is associated with the difference between short-term concerns, which are part of the brief, intense sexual passions, and long-term concerns, which are associated with profound love. However, we should be careful not to identify profound love with long-term romantic relationships. There are cases of (1) long-term romantic relationships lacking profound love and (2) separation despite the presence of profound love. In both cases, there are additional circumstances, which can be characterized as life and personality circumstances that allow either the endurance of long-term love without romantic profundity, or the free dissolution of a romantic relationship considered by both partners as profound.
The first case is easier to explain. You live with your spouse for a long time, you have joint children and grandchildren, you get used to each other, you have no significant incentive to look for a better option, and living together, even without profound love, is a convenient option. You may or may not supplement it with brief sexual affairs, but overall you are in the marriage to stay.
In the second case there is mutual profound love, but one partner does not want to continue the relation. Although romantic profundity usually is associated with longevity of a relationship, to gauge longevity requires other factors, such as living circumstances and personality, which have some value in deciding whether to live with someone. These are the cases, discussed above, of “I love you, but I am leaving you,” and the cases, to be discussed below, in which personal suitability and overall balance are very low. I will discuss this issue in detail later on, so, at this point, an example will be suffice.
Take two romantic relationships. One gets the score of 9 (out of 10) in profundity, and 3 in intensity. The second relationship gets the score of 8 in profundity and 7 in intensity. Which one of them is more likely to endure as a romantic relationship—the first, which has a higher profundity score, or the second, which has a higher intensity score? The winner is the second relationship because it contains a balance of profundity and intensity making it more likely to endure longer. Neither profundity nor intensity alone can effectively predict long-term romantic love. It is the balance between them that makes the difference.
Although romantic profundity usually correlates with longevity of a relationship, we have seen that to gauge longevity it is also necessary to take personal flourishing into account. Since profound love is not identical to long-term love, people divorce despite their profound love.
As factors determining romantic longevity, personal circumstances and flourishing generate what can be characterized as romantic robustness. If you open a dictionary, you will find the word “robust” defined variously as “vigorous,” “strong,” “healthy,” “successful,” “unlikely to break,” “powerfully built,” “active,” “dynamic,” “working effectively,” “marked by richness and fullness,” and “sustainable” (in the sense of being capable of continuing for a long time at the same level). Robust romantic relationships have a lot of these characteristics.
Robustness involves striking a balance between intensity and profundity. A high level of each contributes to the robustness of the romantic relationship. Having a very low level of either intensity or profundity can damage romantic robustness—but this is also the case when one of them is extremely high. Thus, an extreme level of romantic intensity, as we find in infatuation, is likely to reduce the levels of profundity and complexity. It is hard to pay attention to long-term profound considerations or to the subtleties of a complex situation when your heart is on fire and smoke gets in your eyes. Such smoke is unlikely to result in romantic profundity. However, if profundity gets too serious and starts neglecting short-term superficial experiences, then we can say that it is overly profound. But we are not going to find overly robust romantic relationships. Romantic robustness strikes a healthy balance between the many characteristics constituting romantic love and nurtures long-term, vigorous, and successful relationships.
In the following pages, when referring to long-term romantic relationships, I will use also the term “robust” in the sense of including both romantic profundity and intensity. However, because profundity is the major feature in romantic robustness, and indeed romantic profundity is highly correlated with romantic longevity, I will continue to provide running commentary on our tour of profound love.
Concluding Remarks
With my new lover, I feel like I am on a train that is moving so fast that it makes me dizzy. The problem is not that it is the wrong train. It is rather that I hadn’t intended to take it as yet. I need more time to tear down the fences, to feel myself into it.
A MARRIED WOMAN
Long-term romantic activities spotlight promoting the beloved’s well-being rather than merely preventing harm from coming to him. This includes increasing joint intrinsic activities between the lovers instead of simply sharing instrumental tasks, and creating a process of intrinsic development rather than only being influenced by external changes.
No quality of the beloved is as important as the nature of the connection between the partners. While it can be tempting to give in to preventing behaviors, which often block the heart, these tend to stifle independence and stress criticism. It is more useful to go for promoting behaviors, which aim to cultivate the right environment for nurturing the loving heart. When one views an activity as valuable in and of itself, and that activity is an instance of optimally exercising an essential capacity, then this activity is intrinsically valuable. This is what intrinsic development, as compared to reacting to external changes, is all about. Enduring romantic experiences thrive on a combination of intrinsicality and profundity. Such experiences are deeply meaningful, and they reinforce one’s inherent value.
Scratch the surface of enduring romantic experiences and you will likely find synchrony, positive responsiveness, and romantic resonance. Synchrony refers to the coordination in time between two (or more) people. Positive responsiveness is an umbrella term for interactions between lovers that strengthen both the relationship and its partners. Romantic resonance is a high-level type of synchrony and responsivity, which might be described as an ongoing dynamic reciprocity.
Having conflicting emotions toward the beloved, which seems to constitute romantic inconsistency, is natural in complex, partial romantic experiences. A common way to cope with this is to assign different emotions a different level of importance. Thus, we can see our always-tardy partner as wonderful overall but still acknowledge the negativity of a specific quality, such as her lack of punctuality.35
5
The Role of Time in Love
If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing that I’d like to do is to save every day till eternity passes away just to spend them with you.
JIM CROCE
They say that time heals a broken heart, but time has stood still since we’ve been apart.
RAY CHARLES
We have logged quite a few miles in our journey toward understanding the possibility of long-term profound love, and along the way, we have picked up some handy tools. I will now use these tools to examine various
phenomena that reveal the role of time in romantic behavior. This role is paradoxical. On the one hand, every moment with the beloved is precious; on the other, as time passes, romantic intensity tends to decrease. These two perspectives give rise to two conflicting views: (1) time is a positive and constitutive factor of profound love; (2) time is either marginal or damaging to intense love. I begin examining this ambiguity by discussing the difference between timing and time, showing that while timing is pivotal for romantic intensity, time is foundational for romantic profundity.
We see the positive and negative roles of time in love in all temporal dimensions—past, present, and future. In the past dimension, the negative attitude toward time is evident in the saying “It’s no use crying over spilled milk”; the positive attitude is demonstrated by the yearning for ex-lovers. The negative attitude toward time in the present and future is similar: reducing, if not abolishing, the value of the future while focusing merely on the present. This is indicated in expressions such as “It’s now or never; tomorrow will be too late.” The positive attitude is evident in the willingness to wait “till the end of time.” The negative attitude toward time in the future is articulated in the proverb “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die”; the positive attitude supports the wish to be with the beloved always and forever. Tellingly, the musical hit parade broadcasts, without exception, include each of these attitudes.
Timing Is Not Everything
I married for timing and convenience, I am afraid to say. My spouse will not admit it, but he did as well.
A MARRIED WOMAN
Popular wisdom has it that timing is everything—in life and in love. The issue is more complex. I believe that timing concerning external circumstances, such as the place of meeting, is often decisive in bringing two people together. However, time, rather than timing, is imperative when it comes to maintaining and enhancing profound love.
External timing refers to a specific point in time that, in retrospect, is thought to have had a good or bad effect on the outcome. Time has a wider reference, including duration, frequency, and development. Timing is of greater importance in finding a partner, while time is more significant in maintaining long-term profound love.
External romantic timing can be related to sheer luck. Two lovers might just happen to meet each other accidently on a train. In this case, the highly likely alternative of not having ever met underlies their feeling of being lucky. However, timing can also involve a sort of skill or aptitude for doing something at the most suitable moment. It can encompass both the luck at being in optimal circumstances at the right time and the skill of being smart enough to recognize such circumstances. In both cases, the individual’s actions or responses are short-term, sometimes almost instantaneous.
External timing is key when it comes to generating intense sexual experiences. This is the reason that quickies, makeup sex, and breakup sex are often so intense. The case is typically different with romantic experiences. You can say, “I have a headache at the moment and am not in the mood to have sex with you”; you cannot say, “I have a headache now and am not in the mood to love you.” Long-term profound love exists even when one or both lovers are sad; it continues to exist in a dispositional manner even when the lovers are angry with each other or are not thinking about each other. Conversely, sad emotional circumstances are not optimal for sexual interactions, though when the sadness passes, make-up sex can be quite intense.
Today, timing, which is an instantaneous point in time, has become more important than time, in which long-term processes take place. Accordingly, the issue of speed has become central in our society, and many people feel that staying in one place involves compromising and relinquishing the chance of finding a better option. As Meryl Streep said, “Instant gratification is not soon enough” for some people. Nowadays, slow people often fall victim to rapid pace; the fast and often more superficial people seem to have an edge. Credit cards are useful in this regard, as they eliminate the waiting time until the desired object is acquired; accordingly, they have been advertised as “Taking the waiting out of wanting.” The internet and various social networks make the connection between people faster and less profound, thereby significantly decreasing the possibility of long-term profound relationships and, unsurprisingly, increasing the problem of loneliness—as loneliness is not generated by lack of social connections, but by lack of meaningful, profound social connections.
When timing takes top priority, lovers are always restless. As optimal timing is often associated with occasional circumstances or sheer luck, lovers continuously worry that they might be missing an alluring opportunity or that an alluring opportunity will ruin their loving relationships. In such circumstances, lovers always need to be on their toes, ready to catch or prevent the temptation of a fleeting opportunity. A constant search prevents many people from achieving long-term profound love, which is characterized by calmness. Romantic love is not a permanent test in which lovers need to prove again and again that they deserve each other and score higher than potential others. Romantic love is accepting the partner as he or she is while trying to bring out the best in each other. No one can always achieve the highest grades. However, each of us is better when not subject to constant testing or comparison.
Restless lovers often go in search of a new partner and need to be clever enough to identify the optimal timing in making first contact with a lonesome soul. Thus, it can be good timing to approach someone when this person is lonely and might be open to a new romantic option. In the graphic words of Carole King, “When my soul was in the lost-and-found, you came along to claim it.” When love is all about timing, the lover’s role does not go much beyond the technical task of catching the romantic moment, even if this is a brief moment with a low probability of developing into a profound romantic relationship.
The vast number of romantic temptations with which we are continually bombarded have rendered timing rather significant. When there are so many accessible, even superior, alternatives, it seems to make no sense to invest your time and other resources in a current relationship that requires a great deal of work to enhance its profundity. As with many other products and experiences, contemporary love demands instant satisfaction. When romantic satisfaction is a matter of moments, as it were, timing is indeed everything.
With profound love that extends over a long time, however, luck is an expression of ongoing romantic attitudes and activities. Profound love requires investing in shared activities and emotional experiences. But today, the search for enduring romantic profundity is quickly abandoned, with people satisfying themselves with occasional instant sexual intensity that is dependent on getting the timing just right. While the latter is certainly easier to achieve, at the end of the day it can be exhausting and depressing to rely on such serendipitous and superficial experiences. Many of us, then, are left yearning for romantic profundity, which brings the romantic calmness, stability, and trust that enhance our thriving.
In profound love, lovers carry a lot of responsibility. There are ongoing challenges that are frequently perceived as being against all odds and that often require lovers to stretch to the limit their capacities and resources. Still, despite the burden borne by lovers in profound love, people feel calmer and more secure in such relationships. The realization that they themselves are responsible for enhancing their love makes people calmer than when they are in a series of short, unstable relationships that can quickly end as a result of arbitrary, external circumstances. And calmness is a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy: the calmer you are about the likelihood that your relationship will endure, the greater your willingness to invest in it and the higher the likelihood that it will endure. In addition to profound love, gratitude, compassion, contentment, humility, kindness, and forgiveness do not seem to be high on the list of cherished attitudes in our highly competitive, achievement-oriented society.1
To sum up, luck in the sense of good timing can be valuable in finding a romantic part
ner—many love stories have begun in this way. However, good timing is limited in its scope and is of hardly any value in long-term profound love. Both timing and time are important in different circumstances, as romantic intensity and profundity are both key to romantic love. Understanding the nature of each enables lovers to make the best of their romantic connection.
The Past: Spilled Milk versus Ex-lovers
There is no sense in crying over spilled milk. Why bewail what is done and cannot be recalled?
SOPHOCLES
Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never ever the same.
FLAVIA WEEDN
Lovers see the past in opposing ways, and their view of time is constructed in similar opposition. We have the intellectual, negative attitude of “What’s done is done,” which implies that there is no point crying over spilled milk or trying to save a love that has soured. In contrast, nostalgia and idealization of ex-lovers express the positive attitude toward past experiences.
In a goal-oriented society, the past is of little concern: our gaze is directed at the future. Such a negative attitude toward the past implies that it is not rational to invest resources in past events and that instead we should focus our limited resources on present and future goals. Accordingly, rational, intellectual decision-making involves rejecting the past.
The Arc of Love Page 10