by Rob Reger
ME:
Huh. OK. If you say so.
Weird, huh?
Anyway. Played some video games, taught Jakey’s parrot some new words, and entertained each other swapping gossip about Ümlaut and Attikol. Yeah, the kid is all right, I guess. As long as there’s nothing embarrassing in my mind.
Very Much Later
I’m finally back in my lean-to. And man, things may be tough right now, but in a way, I got it good. I got cats everywhere, a sandwich, a black cherry soda, my notebook. I got a skylight I can see the stars through, and the night air is perfect.
Belgium, I just realized I call soda soda and not pop. And haven’t I heard the Blackrock locals asking Raven for pop? I could be way off—but I think people usually say one OR the other, depending on where they’re from. And it definitely sounds hilarious to me to hear the Blackrock folk asking for pop.
Man, I must be desperate for clues. But still.
Later
I JUST remembered the cat collar I found earlier today at the minipark. I took it out and showed it to the cats. “NeeChee?” I said, and one of them (the one I called Nitzer) stepped up and meowed! I put it on him. Fit really well. What do you know.
NeeChee
Still Later
Went out for a late-late-late-night walk and guess what? I WAS FOLLOWED. This is amazing. The guy tailed me and the cats for about six blocks. Then we doubled back, got behind him, waited until he was lost, snuck back around in front of him, and popped out in his face in a dark alley, making him scream like a little boy.
Here’s what he had to say for himself:
GUY:
AIEEEE! Oh. My. You gave me a turn. I sure didn’t see you standing there in the dark.
ME:
What were you doing following me?
G:
Excuse me. I work for the school board. I just wanted to make sure you were safe walking around alone at night.
ME:
OK, that’s completely creepy, guy. Why don’t you get lost.
G:
Sorry. Yeah, it is creepy. Real sorry. Um, I’m actually the truant officer, Mr. Schneider.
ME:
Oh, SCHNEIDER. [Giving up hope of mysterious fascinating “Schneider”-related treasures.] I guess you live upstairs from me?
S:
Huh? Er, no, I mean, my grandmother lives upstairs from the El Dungeon, if that’s what you mean.
ME:
Very well, carry on.
S:
[Obviously annoyed that I am giving him permission to talk.] I’ve been notified by the police that a 13-year-old has been roaming the streets unsupervised. And I’m afraid you’ll have to report to school tomorrow.
ME:
Oh, I’m IN school.
S:
Uh-huh. And…do you have any followup comments to that?
ME:
…I’m…homeschooling…myself? And…I’m taking myself…on a field trip.
S:
Right, so. I’ll see you in the morning, then, to escort you to LeStrande Comprehensive School. Meet you at the refrigerator box at eight.
DOUBLEBRICKING GOBFARX! Not happy about this.
Day 7
Was woken up at broad daylight o’clock by a tapping on the fridge box. Schneider was standing outside as promised. I’m sure I was looking grumpy. Had to block out the sun with my arm.
SCHNEIDER:
Not a morning person?
ME:
Not a daytime person.
S:
I see. [Then we walked in silence to LeStrande Comprehensive. Once we were there, though, I kind of freaked out.]
ME:
Listen, Schneider. I really don’t know what to tell these people. I found myself here six days ago with total amnesia. I don’t even know my name.
S:
You’re kidding. Why haven’t you asked the police for help?
ME:
[No comment.]
S:
Right. Never mind. OK, look, I’ll do the talking.
And he was actually pretty good. He told them my name was Earwig Dungeon; Raven Dungeon was my mother; I’d just moved here from Wichita, Kansas; and I’d had a hard time recently and didn’t want to talk about myself. And that was that.
Later
BLOGYAM!!! Have got to get out of here. Am writing this in the teachers’ bathroom. Had to sneak in here since the regular bathroom is guarded. This place is insane. More later.
ABOUT TWENTY MILLION YEARS LATER
Have been released and am on my way back to the El Dungeon. Stopped off at the minipark because I am not ready to face human beings. Am completely traumatized. Was not able to write all day due to tyranny of maniac teachers. They were not happy with me. To say the least. Apparently, I even BREATHE the wrong way, in addition to every other little thing about me being WRONG and STRANGE. Will gnaw off a limb before I go back to that place.
I was mistaken about Schneider helping me out. Telling them my name was Earwig Dungeon pretty much killed my chances of escaping notice. As soon as he left, my first teacher told me I would never be known as Earwig in her classroom and that my new name was Charlene. Charlene Ellsbree.
TEACHER:
Charlene, would you like to stand at the chalkboard and tell the class about yourself?
ME:
No thanks. My name is Earwig.
T:
Charlene, would you like to stay an hour after school scraping gum off desks?
[I stood at the chalkboard and told them all about myself.]
ME:
My name is Earwig Dungeon. I come from Wichita, Kansas. My mom and I used to own a restaurant where we served human flesh. It was very popular. We were millionaires. I had a pony and a yacht. Now we are on the run from the FBI…
Received double detention for smart mouth.
It went on like this all day, with each teacher giving me a new name, threatening me with hard labor, forcing me to reinvent the story of my life, making good on their threats of hard labor, etc. Luckily there were only five teachers, and they each picked a different type of hard labor, so I’ll have variety. Not that I am serving a minute of their detentions, because once I get to my fridge box, I am never coming out of it again.
Later
They have destroyed my fridge box. This town and I are finished.
Later
Am sitting on the bus to Wichita, Kansas. Ümlaut gave me the money. Probably to impress Raven with his gallant manners. He’s not that bad, if you overlook his cologne, and everything else about him, except for the fact that he gave me the money.
Am soooooooooooo glad to be rid of that ridiculous town, their floods of junk mail, their tickets and detentions.
Later-finally evening on the longest day of my life
Still on the bus. Bored out of my mind. Just now I was actually wishing for a little extra shot of amnesia so I could play hangman with myself. GUH!
An incredibly long time later
I don’t think I like the segment of the population that rides the Red Rabbit bus line from town to town. Let me give you just a little sample of the conversational highlights so far:
“So I sez to her I sez, just you hand over that Slim Jim, and THEN maybe I’ll give the baby back.”
…
“Yeah so I ended up runnin’ away from the army, but I kept the rifle, cuz hey, nice rifle.”
…
“You *@!%ing kids shut up back there or I’ll %&*ing *&%! your @&%$ to kingdom come or my name isn’t Sofronia Peabody Chucklebottom.”
…
“Well, so Cousin Loretta tole me she’s gonna have a Mickey Mouse–themed wedding. I mean she’s gonna have a little Minnie and Mickey on her wedding cake and everything. So I axed her, ‘Well, Cousin Loretta, are you and LeJim gonna wear Mickey Mouse ears at the ceremony too?’ And she said, ‘Aw, Cousin Jill, come on. I am NOT that EXTREME!’”
Have been giving evil death glares to anyone that passes my seat, but unfortunate
ly for me I now have a talkative seat-neighbor, this middle-aged normal guy with that middle-aged, normal, serial-killer look to him. I did my best to cut off conversation early.
NORMAL GUY:
[Finally wrapping up a long explanation of his business in Wichita.] So, what are you doing, riding the Red Rabbit all by yourself?
ME:
Sorry, I don’t speak English.
NG:
What? You sound like you speak English.
ME:
Nope. I don’t speak a word of English, and also, I have a speech defect, so if you don’t mind, I’m going to sleep now.
Later
Bus Dream: I’m locked in the Blackrock jail. All the police are standing around laughing, eating doughnuts, polishing their guns, polishing their guns with half-eaten doughnuts, you know, police stuff. I keep asking why I’m locked up and no one hears me. I realize they are too stupid to build a jail cell that I can’t break out of, so even though they can see everything I’m doing, I start looking over the whole cell inch by inch to find the way out. It takes forever. I inspect the door and windows 923 times, but there is no way I can jimmy them. I keep looking…every inch of floor, walls, I even crawl upside down over the ceiling…FINALLY I get to the toilet. Super-yuk, but I see something hidden down in it…I ask one of the officers for his shirt. He is dumb enough to take it off and hand it to me through the bars. I wrap it around my hand and reach down, down, down into dark water and there I feel a little switch…I push it, the gate opens, and I walk out. No one even looks at me, not even the officer who gave me the shirt.
Pretty good dream, but even that didn’t cheer me up.
Later. So…Much…Later
Things to do when I get to Wichita:
Look for posters with my face on them.
Walk around aimlessly and hope someone recognizes me.
Ask for free food.
Make new lean-to.
Look for posters…yeah.
Um.
Um.
I really have no desire to go to Wichita.
Blackrock may be a wretched little town, but it’s the only place I have any memories of. That’s tough to beat.
Later
I do not remember the word for that thing you use to make bread dark and crispy. I believe it starts with a D. (???) I don’t care what Jakey says, I am clearly losing my mind.
On the bright side, I still remember how to say “Life sucks.”
Day 8
Finally got off the bus in Wichita, in the late late hours of the night, extremely hungry, completely stiff and sore, freezing my bum off without any sleeves, and not happy about having to figure out AGAIN where to eat and sleep in a town where I know no one and nothing. So it didn’t come as a complete disappointment to hear Schneider yelling “EARWIG!” from across the street.
I still ran the other way. He caught up to me.
“Let’s be reasonable, huh, kid? Look, why don’t we get a snack and talk it over? I think it’s all going to work out just fine! Huh? I bet you’re hungry? Hey?”
He had me there. I let him buy me some sandwiches and listened to him chatter. Here’s what I learned:
The police and the school are peeved about the $243 in tickets and the forty million hours in detention I owe them. Which is why they got Schneider on the case.
Schneider is actually a licensed private investigator, which is how he convinced the bus depot lady to tell him what city I’d bought a ticket to.
Schneider thinks it’s a real shame the teachers insisted on calling me Charlene when Earwig is SUCH a coooool name.
Schneider thinks cats are the best animals EVER and soooo much cooler than dogs!
Schneider thinks it’s sooooooooo unfair to hassle me for unlicensed slingshot use because slingshots are, like, really coooool. And stuff.
Schneider is so full of manure his hair stinks.
Schneider also happens to know quite a lot of interesting information, such as the fact that Ümlaut is paying the police to agree that Curls does not need to attend school.
Schneider also knows that Raven went into hysterics when Ümlaut told her he had paid for my bus ticket out of town. Now both Ümlaut and Attikol are freaking out and competing to see who can find me first so that they can win her LOVE. (Retch.)
Schneider agrees with me that I can turn this to my advantage if I want to go back to Blackrock.
Schneider admits there is some reward money in it for him from BOTH Attikol and Ümlaut if he brings me back to Blackrock.
Schneider looked very uncomfortable when I wondered out loud how Attikol and Ümlaut would feel if they knew he had made deals with both of them.
Schneider reluctantly compliments me on getting this information out of him and says I would make a totally wicked private investigator.
Schneider agrees to give me a cut of the reward money and to never use teen slang again if I come back to Blackrock with him.
Which is why I’m writing all this in Schneider’s car on the way back to Blackrock.
Later-back in Blackrock
Life is way better in Blackrock when you have A) a beautiful birdbrain who relies on you to deal with her junk mail and keep her espresso machine running; B) two rich jerks willing to pay any money to keep the birdbrain happy; and C) a PI who is worried you will tell certain rich jerks that he is a shameless double-crosser. Attikol and Ümlaut have paid off my tickets and “convinced” the school to drop my detention. Schneider has agreed to do some detective work for me, beginning with a search of missing persons. And I now have a permanent permit to park my new fridge box in the back alley, regardless of the street-sweeping schedule. Still dealing with floods of junk mail, but at least things are looking up.
Later
Have been walking around town just to make sure no new MISSING posters with my face on them have appeared. Nada.
Spied on Attikol eating lunch with a bunch of important-looking people for a few minutes before I almost passed out with boredom. He had better start spending his time pushing buildings to the east if he really cares about getting a date with Raven!
Later
Cabbage came home to the lean-to this evening looking different somehow. I finally figured out that the bandage is off his shredded ear, and there are stitches in it! Who would have done that? Maybe I should track down the local vets? Will have to write more later as the cats are all yammering at me to come with them for our nightly exploration.
I wonder if they missed me like I missed them?
Later
Excellent discovery tonight!! Those cats are gooooooooood! Right away when we got out of the fridge box they had a plan. They started leading me again, back to the spot where the security officer surprised me that one time. Except they were approaching from a roundabout way. So smart—we made it to the destination without interference. The destination turned out to be an auto impound lot surrounded with ten-foot razor wire. All four of them went up to this one spot in the fence and meowed. I was like, what? But then I saw they were sort of scratching under it. And actually, the dirt was pretty loose there, so we were able to squirm under without much problem.
I had no idea what we were doing there. But I kept following them.
I followed them through the rows of cars to one that stood out: the strangest and most beautiful van ever. I think it started out as a ’63 VW van, but had mostly transformed into a bizarre and complicated contraption that looked like a science lab, rocketship, and botanical garden. And that’s just what I could see from outside. The doors were chained and padlocked, and that’s all I could really discover before the guard showed up with his flashlight and dog, and the cats all bailed. Just got a Polaroid and the license plate before splitting (see above and below). Will get Schneider on this tomorrow. Am half-expecting that he will have already found out who I am with his missing persons search. Fingers crossed.
Day 9
Back to sleeping days. Up all night and it feels so right.
Met Sch
neider at the minipark. He says there are no missing persons that match my description. Terrible news, but he says not to let it worry me and that other leads are bound to turn up. Gave him my list of questions for him to research:
Owner of mystery van, license plate 51916 IBC?
Story of mystery van—Why was it impounded and when?
What happened to Rachel, former employee of the El Dungeon?
Background check on Raven—How does she run a business when she can’t even complete a sentence? Seriously, who hired her?
Has she spent time in institutional learning facilities?
Background check on Attikol—How did he get his money, does he have a criminal record, etc.?
Where is the black rock this town is named after?
What’s with all the beige paint?
And all the tree stumps?
Is there a veterinarian in Blackrock and can I get the address?
Any news on buildings getting shifted one inch to the east?
Did Rachel have any teenage daughters?
How long does it take to get over amnesia?
Also told him my current theory, which admittedly needs work: Rachel is actually my mother and the owner of that amazing van. Raven is her mentally challenged, beautiful, extremely evil twin sister. I had been living with my father in another town until his sudden, tragic death, when I came here to live with my mother. Meanwhile, Raven killed Rachel so she could take over the El Dungeon and…be…popular?? (OK. Motive needs work. No telling why anyone would want to take over the El Dungeon.) (Also, no telling why I think they would be twins…Did I see a movie with this plot, or what? Naturally I don’t remember.) When I arrived, Raven tried to kill me. (See illustration of my bruises on Day 1. Obviously souvenirs of some kind of foul play!) But I survived and only lost my memories. Now that the residents of Blackrock have seen me around, she’s playing nice until she gets another chance to get me out of the way.