by Marie Hall
"Io," he sighed and leaned over her, lifting her up with the arm behind her shoulders until she was crushed against his chest. "My poor heart. You did. You are safe now." His arm relaxed and a space opened between their bodies. "You are safe and you will never be failed so completely again."
Io nodded, the tears stuck in her throat. She worked her free hand around to his back and tried to pull him down so she could feel the weight, the strength of him the way she couldn't quite feel the words. "All right."
He chuckled. The act jostled her about as she tried to understand what he found humorous. Letting herself drop back into the bed she tipped her head so she might look at his face. A wry grin sat on his lips and she felt her brows crease. He chuckled and again set her shaking about. "You sound quite convinced of my ability wife."
She gasped before she could stop the sound. Perhaps insults wouldn't be the best way to continue. They'd served no purpose before and hadn't Mark lectured both of them extensively on speaking to each other more respectfully? She struggled with the idea of reconciliation, knowing he'd found what he needed in Lady Sabrina. But perhaps that was where the doubt came from. She couldn't quite separate his need of Sabrina as a wife who would help advance him and the attempts on her life. Even though time and again it was Xavier who prevented her death, Io couldn't shake the feeling that only her end would give him a chance at a new beginning. "I beg pardon, my lord," she said for lack of anything else and a hope that if they didn't continue to bicker with each other she might find a way to free them without needing to erect a headstone.
"You do not own me an apology. Your misgivings are warranted. I did not exactly prove capable." He shifted and settled over her, holding his weight up on his forearms. His hands fisted on either side of her face. "I failed you rather completely." The thumb on his left hand brushed her jaw. "I am not going to require you to depend on me alone." He jerked his head towards the end of the wagon where the flaps were pulled back and the earliest light of dawn turned the clouds purple. "There are nearly one hundred men outside who have been vetted and deemed capable of protecting you." His eyes locked with hers and again the callused pad of his thumb brushed along her jaw. "Even against me. They are your men, Io, and they will do whatever they must to ensure your well-being."
"Xavier, no. I do not want…" What was she to do with so many men surrounding her? The nine she had were often too many. And how would Xavier manage with such a shortage in his army?
"It is done, Io. And this is only those I brought with me. I think you will see the numbers swell when we reach home. I did not bring all with me in the search for you. I left many behind to hold the house so you have some place to return. Well, I might have left more if I knew that you ran because you were nearly killed and not because you were in a snit."
"A snit?" Io almost shrieked only to have her outrage smothered by Xavier's hearty laughter. Did he actually think to tease her? "You are terrible," she pouted, pushing at him until he rolled to the side. His response was to wrap his arms around her and pull her tightly against him. "A snit." She gave him a fierce frown. "I would never."
His laughter rang out and Io almost moaned with the pleasure the sound caused to pulse through her. "I can recall at least one time you did," Xavier said, giving her a look that caused a flush to rush to her face. "As I recall, I tried to… correct that behavior." His lip twitched belying the rest of the scowl on his face. "I think even after I made myself clear I would not allow any wife of mine to throw fits, you proceeded to tell me you would be throwing another that same night."
The heat in her face shot straight down between her legs and she did moan as the memory of the wicked pleasure they'd shared that night flared to life. How she longed for his touch. What she wouldn't give to know him again as a wife did. If he pulled the covers from her now and thrust into her, he'd not find her unwilling. She watched as his head began to lower. Her breath caught and she parted her lips in anticipation of his mouth closing over hers. She saw his eyelids close a little and his hard features soften. His warm breath puffed over her cheek, once. Twice.
"Is everything all right in there?" Gunther called loudly from the rear of the wagon.
The moment was lost as Xavier groaned and rolled to his back. Io couldn't say if she was disappointed or relieved they'd been interrupted. She could be this for him if nothing else but she wasn't sure that would be enough for her. Not if everything else was another woman's.
"Everything is well," Xavier called back, extracting his arm and sitting up as not only Gunther but Gerald and Ian poked their heads around the edge of the canvas. Xavier gave her one last little smile then climbed out of the wagon.
"Come break your fast, my lady," Gunther said as he moved aside for Xavier. She nodded and the man gave her a nice smile before moving away with everyone else.
"What do you think to do, Brice?" Io heard Gerald say. "Have you not already been shown you cannot bed this better. For the love of—"
"I know that," Xavier snapped. "I was not trying to."
The rest of what was said was lost as they moved away. What did Gerald mean? Bed this better? Did he mean to remind Xavier he'd a better woman waiting for him? Did everyone feel the same? If they did, why did Xavier declare to her they were all at her service? Why did every time she thought she could believe in something, words or events made her doubt what she thought she understood? She wanted to trust in what Xavier told her, but everything she'd learned about men and their needs through her whole life ran counter to what she thought she knew. He was a powerful man, he had a standard and status to uphold and to build even higher. He could increase every aspect of his life with some effort. Effort and the right lady at his side.
Io sighed and scooted out of the wagon. Xavier was nowhere to be seen until everyone was lined up on the road ready to again start towards Bainsport. And as she climbed into the back of the wagon, she watched him mount looking confident and almost happy and still couldn't settle the dueling arguments in her head. No answers came the whole day as they moved closer to their final destination. No answers and no reassurances and she knew it was because she refused to ask the one last question and give Xavier the chance to either settle or kill her with the answer. She'd have to ask, she knew. And as the nightmares took hold again and again each night she knew she need the answer before they made it all the way back to the house. Because it was there whoever wanted her dead had the advantage. And she wasn't about to give up her life so easily again.
***
Xavier watched Io come awake with a hard jerk and a last scream. Her breathing was erratic and a cold sweat soaked her shift and the edges of the furs covering her. Damn these dreams that gave no one, least of all his wife, rest through the night.
He could wish now they'd not made her relive the frightening experiences in order to determine if he could take her home. But they'd needed to know. He needed to know. For while it was fun to jest about running away because of a snit, it was quite sobering to know she ran because she was convinced so completely that he'd want her dead.
The evidence was damning. He'd well enough believe, as she had, if things were reversed. What he knew though that she didn't was the efforts to kill her were not all equal in either planning or execution. It meant nothing at all to Io that locking her in a room was a matter of opportunity while poisoning her meal was something requiring planning. To her it was all the same. Someone almost killed her and every time it was during a time when the discourse between husband and wife was peaking.
"Xavier?" Io called with a voice choked with fear.
"It is I. You are safe. It was a dream, Io. No one is going to harm you." Xavier stretched out and lay down beside her. "Are you awake enough?" He pushed away the hair stuck to her face. She flinched, announcing the terror of the dream still kept her in a state of hyper alertness.
"It does not go. Why does it not go?" she asked, reaching up and grabbing his hand in both of hers then pulling it down between her breasts.
"It will, Io," he reassured as he pushed closer. "It will go once you have seen those responsible held to account. Once they are gone, you will know peace." And as much as he wanted to spend a day, maybe weeks, peeling the flesh from the assailants, he'd find them and end them as quick as possible for Io's sake.
"No, I…" Io started then stopped and wrapped her arms around his arm. "I…" she stammered and squeezed so hard his hand tingled a bit.
"Tell me, Io. Tell me what frightens you so." Maybe there was more to what she went through than she'd already said. Although any more revelations might kill him, he needed to hear her.
"No." He felt her shaking her head in the darkness.
"Io, tell me."
"To what purpose? None I think but to anger you or—"
"Io, I have no strength left in me to rise to anger. Tell me please."
"Then what purpose but to bring hurt."
"I should rather be hurt by words that I know what I must do, change, to find healing than to be hurt by a silence where I cannot act for betterment." That he was again to a point where he needed to convince his wife she could speak openly with him was a sad testament to how far they'd fallen. But they'd climbed these obstacles before with success they could do it again.
She sniffed then took a deep breath and again squeezed his arm tight. "I do not know how I say—"
"Io, speak; if I do not understand, I will ask you to say it again. I am listening, Io. I will hear you."
"I…" she started then stopped and again drew in a deep breath. "I fight with… with what I know. I cannot make it fit with… with my, how I… these things I feel." She shifted, letting go of his arm but rolling towards him. He couldn't see in the dark but he felt her head come to rest against his chest and her hands he could feel folded together as if in prayer trapped between their bodies. "I… I want this, these things you say I can have. But I know it is a terrible disappointment to want. I know I should not hope, but I do. I hope. Even as I have seen the folly of doing so. I do not want how it was before. I do not, but I do."
"Why do you not want it?" Xavier asked, setting his hand on her hip and pulling her closer.
"Because I know when it is again taken from me I will not survive. Before I did not want and I lived. Now I want and feel as though I die."
Xavier let her words sink in. It sounded to him she wanted to be with him but wasn't sure it was best for her. Her distress seemed to stem from her belief she'd again be stripped of the resources she needed, but that was so unlike Io to be concerned over material items. "Io, you will be given back those things you had. What you need. You will have the house and—"
"No, I…" Her hand settled on his side then slid around to his back and he felt her shift against him. "No, I mean… I mean you. I do not want you. I am frightened that wanting you, as I do, will bring my end."
The world shifted a bit for Xavier at that moment. To hear Io tell him if she lost him she'd not survive was life altering. He'd not known she felt so for him. He'd not thought her feelings matched his own. He knew she loved him, she'd said so once in her way. She'd called the feeling a madness, feared it, begged him to make it stop. He might once have had her convinced love wasn't something to fear, but she again feared it. That too was his doing.
"I cannot make this… uncertainty, this… doubt go. It will not be silent in me and…" She faded off and tucked her head down between his body and the bed.
"Io," he started then stopped to think about his words. Doubt was the enemy of every relationship. And doubt had no place in a marriage. "Io—"
"I cannot stop this. I want it to go but it stays."
"Io," he said then leaned down to press his lips to her head, a growing warmth in his chest. "Io, I should very much like for your doubts to end, but I do not resent you have them. They have been fairly earned. I cannot complain about what I created. And I have no standing now to demand you trust me fully in any matter."
"No? But I am your wife and I should—"
"Io, I have learned a great deal in the last few months. More even in the last few weeks. I am no longer a man so arrogant and full of self-righteousness that I can command you trust me, to feel anything at all for me. You can, Io. You can trust me, trust I will not let you down again, that you are safe with me in every way. I will try every day to give you reasons, proof as to why you can. But I will not command you to."
"No?" She rolled a bit away and he looked down knowing she looked up.
"No, I will not."
"I do not know what to do with this," she whispered and Xavier felt a surge of relief. She was asking his advice. She trusted him enough she'd at least ask for something she could consider.
"Io." He waited until he was sure she was listening to him. "I will not ask you trust me. But I will ask that you trust your own instincts."
"My instincts?"
"Yes. Io, you have the best instincts. They have never misled you. All your life you have done as your instincts have directed. Do not stop now."
"My instincts made me run."
"And as I said, as much as I hate it and as much shame as I feel, you were correct to run. You are alive because you ran. You stayed calm and kept your own council because your instincts told you to trust no one enough you might be vulnerable. You could not know then it was not I who tried to kill you and even had you spoken to me of it, how could you have known then, with all evidence saying different, that I would speak truthfully and then not again allow harm to come to you? Even while you lay here afraid and uncertain, you cannot really know." He heard her whimper and began stroking her back to soothe her. "It is for me to prove to you that your instincts are still serving you well. It is for me to show you that you can trust me. The burden of earning your confidence is my own."
"And you think you will be able to?" She sounded calmer and Xavier was glad he was learning to address her concerns with less defensiveness.
He chuckled now. "Perhaps I am not totally humbled, my arrogance is not stripped fully. Because, Io, I know I will be able to."
"I should like it, if you can," she said with a yawn.
"Sleep, Io. You need rest if you will not make it easy for me." He felt her head nodding but when he tried to roll away and leave the wagon where she slept, her arm around his back pulled at him.
"Xavier, do not leave. Stay." She edged closer and he had to come back to keep her on the bedding. "Please."
"Io." He should go. Sharing her bed wasn't how he wanted to rebuild what had fallen into disrepair. But with one snuggling movement, Xavier found himself adjusting them both in the furs. He slid his arm under her head and she easily moved to settle against his shoulder. He dropped his other arm over her waist and jerked back when his knuckles hit something hard. He dug around and came up with the toy camel. "Here, Io." He said bringing the thing around and setting it down where she could find it.
"A camel, Xavier," she said on a sigh.
"A camel, Io," he replied then spent the rest of the night listening to her soft breathing as she slept curled against him.
Chapter Eleven
Xavier pulled back the flap and peeked in. Io sat pouting among the furs trying to entertain herself playing with the wooden camel. She looked up when the wagon filled with the brighter light from outside.
"Io, we are going to stop in a few hours for midday." She looked confused at his announcement so he went on that she might understand. "The snow and wind has stopped and I thought perhaps you might like to put on your cloak and walk a li—"
"Oh yes," she shouted and leaped forward to grab her boots. "Yes, I would."
"Your cloak," he reminded her when she scrambled towards the exit. She grabbed it and dragged it to her while heading to where he waited to lift her down. He was a little surprised at the thrill she caused when she showed no hesitation to allow him to extract her from the moving wagon. She simply reached out and held on as he stopped walking and let the vehicle pull forward. Io dropped out the back and into his arms with a smile and
a giggle.
He set her on her feet and gave her a moment to get her bearing before giving her a look which reminded her to actually wear the cloak. She tossed it haphazardly over her shoulders then turned to start on her way. He grabbed her back and managed not to laugh through her dramatic sighs as he adjusted the garment around her and tied the stays so she was properly bundled up.
"Done?" she grumbled, then smiled as he took her hand and started them walking on the road.
"You need a hat. I should have found a cloak with a hood," Xavier said and tugged her closer.
"Are we walking together?" she asked, trying to change the subject before he might change his mind about letting her out of the warmth provided by the wagon.
"Unless you would rather not." He hoped his smile hid the hurt caused by not knowing what her answer would be.
"No, I would," she said it easily enough and didn't look unsure about the answer.
"Good, then I think…" He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles. "I think the weather would be wise to not interrupt us."
"Oh I think the arrogance is returning," she teased.
"Perhaps," he said but left it at that as he tucked her hand into the crook of his arm and walked with his wife down the road.
***
Io waited in the center of the road as Xavier pulled his oilskin from the pack on his horse. So far the weather held but the dark clouds looming over the tops of the mountain peaks said the good fortune wasn't to last.