“Except the version he tells isn’t the truth.”
She frowned. “What are you talking about?”
Slowly, Noah turned to face her. “He didn’t miraculously escape from the South Tower when the rest of his company died there. He had a panic attack and never went inside. Not that he’s admitted what really happened to anyone . . . except me. The summer I left home for college, we were doing tequila shots together.”
“Even though you weren’t yet legal to drink?”
He shrugged. “Garth wasn’t above contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Anyway, he got wasted and told me what really happened. That sobered me up quickly enough. The next morning, he didn’t remember talking about it.”
“You confronted him?”
“Not directly, but he’s never mentioned that conversation, never acknowledged the truth. He’s continued to play the role of a hero all these years.”
Riley’s heart ached for the pain and disillusionment in Noah’s eyes. For the defeat she’d seen on his brother’s face. “You can’t forgive him for not living up to your image of who he should be? Is that what this is about?”
“I can’t forgive him for pretending to be something he isn’t. The moral choice would have been to tell the truth.”
“Maybe so, but I imagine he was too ashamed to admit what happened. When it comes down to it, is his pretense actually hurting anyone?”
“Only himself. His drinking problem undoubtedly stems from the lies which have been eating at him all these years. He needs to man up and admit the truth, put it behind him once and for all, then get the help he needs.”
“That’s what you would do, obviously.” Riley hunched one shoulder. “But you would never have lied in the first place. Or had any need to make up a story. In his shoes, you would have gone into that building . . . and died. That’s what heroes do, right?”
“Are you taking Garth’s side in this?” Noah stepped away from the counter and stopped a foot in front of her. “I’m in the wrong here?”
“Some choices are complicated. You don’t know what motivates him if you haven’t asked.”
“I kept his secret. At least I did until I told you.” His voice hardened. “Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and simply let you think I’m an asshole who treats my brother like shit for no reason. Seems like that’s what you believe, anyway.”
“What I think isn’t the problem. Maybe you should have brought all this out into the open with Garth years ago instead of silently judging his choice.”
Noah rubbed the back of his neck and let out a slow breath. “Look, initially I gave him every opportunity to open up to me when he was sober, and he chose not to trust me. His call, not mine. Can we drop the whole subject?”
“Of course. It’s not my business, and I shouldn’t have butted in. If you want to be stubborn and miserable—and I can tell that you are—that’s your right.”
“Wow, way to keep your feelings to yourself. All families are different, Riley, and mine has never been particularly close. At least not after my grandparents passed away and we all left home. I seriously doubt Garth is losing sleep over the fact that we aren’t tight.”
“Point made. But when I think about family, I’m filled with regret that I never had a sibling growing up. My best friend’s mom included me in mother-daughter events when we were in Girl Scouts together, but I always felt like I didn’t belong. Grandpa was all I had.”
The defensiveness faded from Noah’s eyes as he stepped closer and stroked the side of her cheek with his thumb. “I’m sorry.” His brows drew together. “You remember that?”
She nodded. “I can picture the farmhouse where we lived, and I’ve had more flashes of memory from my childhood. Faces that belonged to friends, even though I can’t put names to them all. Most of what I remember conjures a strong emotion. Usually happiness. Sometimes frustration or sadness.”
“That makes sense since events that left a lasting impression would be the memories you most often revisited.”
“Creating the strongest neural pathways.”
“Exactly. Let’s go sit down. I probably need to throw another log on the fire.” He led the way into the living room and knelt beside Stormy, who was snoozing on the hearthrug. After placing a large log on the glowing embers, he rose to his feet. “Have a seat. On the phone, you mentioned you’d recovered some work-related memories.”
She sat on one end of the couch and curled her legs beneath her. “I was able to reconstruct most of my research . . . and understand the principles behind it, which is huge. The work I’d done was designed to decrease inflammation in the brains of dementia sufferers.” She let out a breath as excitement accelerated her pulse. “Treatment would immensely improve the symptoms of advanced stages of Alzheimer’s. As for those with mild symptoms, the disease would be stopped before fulling taking hold.”
Noah sat on the other end of the couch and stared at her. “You ran clinical trials on the formula you developed? It actually worked?”
Her elation fizzled. “That’s the part I’m a little fuzzy about. From what Charles said, I had a recent breakthrough, although he didn’t know exactly what it was since I didn’t share. I think I adjusted part of the formula shortly before the kidnapping.”
“Getting approval for human trials from the FDA could take years—”
Her chest tightened. “My grandpa doesn’t have years.”
The snap and pop of the log igniting filled the silence.
Noah rose to his feet and paced around the room. “I honestly don’t know what to say. The risk you took—”
I can only assume I was completely desperate and felt I had no other alternative. My grandpa has definitely improved. Still, I feel like he needs another treatment for optimal results.”
“You’d do that, inject him with some experimental serum, not knowing if you’re even remembering the formula correctly?”
She gripped the arm of the couch. “Obviously I’d prefer a safer route, but after everything that’s happened, what are the chances I’ll get approval to continue my work? Not to mention someone out there still wants that formula pretty damn badly.”
“If word leaks out you’ve remembered as much as you have, the pressure to get ahold of your data will only increase.”
“I haven’t told anyone but you and Jaimee.” She shifted to bring her feet down to the floor with a soft thump. “And Charles.”
“He could already have mentioned it to someone. You’d be amazed how fast word spreads with one thoughtless comment. I need to find a safe place for you to stay while we check to see if anyone associated with Vortex took a trip to Maine last week.”
“I assume the we you’re referring to are your colleagues at Counterstrike?” She clenched her fists and rested them on her thighs.
“Yes. I want to personally speak to the CEO to get a read on him while Luna—”
“And in the meantime, I hide out, is that what you’re thinking?” Riley raised her voice to interrupt him.
He stopped pacing and turned to look at her.
“Is something wrong?”
“I guess I’m tired of feeling so damn helpless. What I really want to do is go to my lab and work. I want to touch base with the professors who took over my classes for me and thank them. I want to speak to my students and . . . maybe not explain about the kidnapping, but at least apologize for bailing on them. I need to plan my courses for next semester, provided I can actually remember the material.” She let out a long breath and focused on not yelling. “What I don’t want to do is hide somewhere. We did that already, and look how well it turned out.”
A frown knit his brows. “I understand your frustration, but—”
“Doubtful. I’m willing to bet you’re always in control of your life. One hundred percent of the time.”
“What would you like me to do, Riley, simply walk away and let you get tortured again or—more probably—killed?”
“Of course not.” Tears b
urned the back of her throat, and speaking without breaking down became an effort. “I’m grateful for everything you’ve done, but I just want my damn life back.” Her voice cracked, and she clamped her lips together.
He approached the couch and dropped onto the cushion beside her. “I know that.” He took her hand and held it in a firm grip. “I don’t know what else to say.”
She swallowed hard. “How about the truth. Your face tells me far more than you’re willing to say. Instead, you’re treating me the way you do your brother. Rather than telling me how much you hate what I did to—or from my perspective, did for—my grandfather, you’re holding back. Are you going to walk away from me without a discussion, the way you did with Garth?”
“Of course not.”
“Maybe not while I’m still in danger, but what about afterward?” She blinked back tears. “I’m falling in love with you, and I’m scared to death you won’t be able to get past my actions. They sure as hell weren’t ethical. And we both know how you feel about that.”
Finally, he released her hand. “You always manage to surprise me. I wasn’t expecting a declaration of love in the middle of a fight.”
“Is that what we’re doing—fighting?”
“Seems like it. You accused me of being judgmental, but I feel like you’re the one who’s already made up your mind about me. In your eyes, I’m a sanctimonious ass. Not very flattering, Riley.”
“That’s not how I see you. I understand why you don’t approve of what I did. Honestly, it frightens me that I took such a risk. But I can’t say I wouldn’t be willing to treat him again, even though I know it’s all kinds of wrong, both morally and legally. My grandpa is lucid now. That matters more than anything else.”
“What if you’d killed him? Your grandfather wasn’t able to assess the risks and offer informed consent. Instead, you decided what was best for him.” Noah’s lips tightened. “Do no harm. I take that motto seriously. But in my line of work, violence is inherent. When it comes to saving an innocent person, I won’t hesitate to do what needs to be done.”
“My point exactly. Life is shades of gray, not black and white. I’m certain I acted only after carefully weighing the alternatives. Is that so very different from the choices you make?”
“At Counterstrike, I don’t make decisions alone, and the people we target are pretty damn nasty. You know that better than anyone.”
“Which is why I applaud what you and your teammates do—at considerable personal risk. I wish you could see that what I did to help my grandfather was the same—an informed decision that paid off.”
“For now. You don’t know how your treatment will affect him in the long run.”
“Maybe that’s why I was so secretive, but it’s time to bring my research out into the open to take the target off my back.”
Noah narrowed his eyes. “How do you plan to do that?”
“Charles called me again while we were driving back from New Hampshire. We’re meeting tomorrow afternoon. I told him an open discussion with my colleagues at Trimountaine seems to be in order, and he offered to reach out to Dr. Ernst, the department chair, and schedule an appointment.
“You aren’t going anywhere alone.” His tone was abrupt. “At this point, any risk is extreme.”
“I’m not stupid. I planned to ask you to come with me, but we seemed to be at cross-purposes this evening. I really don’t want to fight with you.”
He let out a ragged sigh, but his eyes were clouded with uncertainty. “Neither do I.”
Chapter Sixteen
Noah woke as a hint of daylight invaded the room and turned over to glance at the clock on the bedside table. After six. He slid across the smooth sheet to where Riley was sleeping, curled in a tight ball on her side of the mattress, and draped an arm over her waist. She was soft and warm and smelled like a Hawaiian beach. His body tightened with need.
They’d slept in the same bed but not together. Awkwardness had filled the space between them—doubts and accusations still fresh in both their minds.
Still, he couldn’t stop thinking about her declaration of love. He didn’t doubt Riley had feelings for him, but he wasn’t sure what that would mean going forward. He was falling for her—hard and fast—but their relationship had been built on her fear and his protective instincts. Not exactly the best foundation for a solid future. They needed normalcy to see if their connection could grow and thrive once the danger was over.
He wanted a chance with Riley. Even if some of her decisions made him a little—hell, a whole lot—uncomfortable.
“Are you awake?” She rolled onto her back and rested her cheek against his shoulder.
He tightened his arm around her. “It’s still early, but I had a lot on my mind.”
“Such as?” Her breath brushed his skin in a light caress.
“Maybe you were right to take a risk with your grandpa. I have no business questioning your judgement, and I’m sorry for coming down so hard on you.”
“Like I did regarding your brother? I don’t know him or anything about your relationship. I was out of line.”
“I guess we both should have taken a step back before we shot off our mouths.”
“Exactly.” She tilted her chin to look up at him. “I shouldn’t have reacted so strongly without knowing all the facts. I guess a part of me could relate to Garth, having made a few questionable choices myself.” Her eyes were filled with a mixture of emotions. Caring. Concern. Anxiety. Confusion. “That being said, the bitterness between you and your brother obviously upsets you.”
Noah released a long breath. “I’ve tried to ignore his public lies—and him—rather than have an ugly confrontation. Maybe dragging everything out into the open and clearing the air would be better. But my brother is as opinionated and stubborn as I am, so I don’t see that conversation going well.”
“You won’t know unless you try.”
“True.” He rested his chin against her hair, and silky strands caught in the growth of beard he hadn’t bothered to shave in the last couple of days. “I’m certainly glad you forced the issue with me.”
“Grandpa was always big on communication. He didn’t like to let disagreements fester, especially when I was a snarky teenager who thought I knew everything. I remember being angry because he wouldn’t let me stay out past my curfew on prom night. He wouldn’t let me sulk in my room until we discussed it.”
“Your grandpa is a smart man.”
“Yes, he is. I can’t tell you how relieved I am that important memories, even the angry ones, are returning. I feel like those experiences shaped me into the person I am.” She ran her warm palm down his side to let it rest against his hip. “I’d like to stop by the care center this morning, if that works for you.”
He pulled his attention away from the rise and fall of her breasts beneath the sheet and focused on what she’d said. “Sure. We’ll go see your grandpa before your meeting at the university.”
“I hope I don’t get fired.” Her hand on his hip dropped to the mattress with a thump. “Or worse, arrested.”
He rolled her beneath him and nuzzled the side of her neck. “That’s not going to happen because you aren’t going to mention the treatment you gave your grandfather. Just tell them you had a breakthrough, and you’re ready to proceed with trials.”
“Okay.” She wiggled beneath him. “Uh, Noah, just a guess, but I don’t think your full attention is on this conversation anymore.”
“Maybe not.” Cupping her face in his hands, he kissed her. “You’re so damn sexy. I missed holding you in my arms last night . . . among other things.”
She laughed softly. “One of those other things is making its presence known.”
“Completely out of my control.” He reached down to grasp the hem of the T-shirt she wore and slid it up over her head, then tossed it on the floor. After a few contortionist moves, he managed to remove his briefs. Settling against her with nothing between them, he let out a sigh of pure bli
ss.
“Are we good now?” Her voice caught on the final word.
Before answering, he kissed her, putting all his bottled-up feelings into the caress. Finally, he rested his forehead against hers. “I hope so because I’m pretty sure I love you, too. We can work this out, Riley.”
She tightened her arms around his neck. “That’s all I want. A chance.”
He kissed her again, taking his time and enjoying the small sounds she made as he pressed against her. Bringing one hand up between them, he cupped her breast and stroked the hard tip. At her gasp, he slid inside her.
“I can’t imagine life without this,” she whispered in his ear.
“Neither can I.” He gritted his teeth and pushed deeper. “I don’t want to try. I only want you.”
They moved together as the pleasure intensified, pushing him toward the edge. He held off as long as possible, but when Riley dug her nails into his back and cried out, he let himself go on a ragged groan. Collapsing on top of her, he breathed in the earthy scent of their lovemaking as his heartrate slowed.
After several long moments, he rolled to his side. “Sorry to smash you.”
“I didn’t mind.” She slid her foot down the length of his calve and sighed deeply. “Wow. Hard to believe I could forget what sex is like.”
Forcing his eyes open, he studied her flushed face. “Maybe previous experiences weren’t all that memorable.”
She glanced up and grinned. “Could be. Maybe I wanted to block past encounters out of my mind.”
He rolled over and pulled her on top of him, letting her hair fall around his face in a silky curtain before moving in for another kiss. “Now you’re making sense. Just so you know, I do remember, and nothing was ever this spectacular. We’re good together. Really good.”
When he tightened his grip and pushed one knee up between her legs, she laughed softly. “No time. We need to get moving if we want to visit my grandpa this morning. I need sustenance. And a shower.”
Lethal Memory (A Counterstrike Novel Book 2) Page 18