“You really do look so like my Hiram.” She patted me on the cheek next, an entirely new side of her shining out from between the many wrinkles marring her once beautiful face.
“I’ll call the doctor tomorrow.” My fingers curled around hers and pressed her hand more firmly against my face. Was this what it felt like to receive love from family? Warm, unexpected, and far too brief.
She pulled her fingers from beneath mine and nodded. “You do that, Drake.”
“Grandmother,” I said, then paused. I had promised to go after Tabitha, promised in front of the whole fucking school. She deserved it. But if I really wanted to change…
“Yes, Drake?”
“What about the Tabitha situation?” I finally asked, fighting down the anger that blossomed in my chest when I said her name.
“You leave that to me, Drake. You are to focus on improving yourself. I am old enough that a little more dirt on my hands will not matter much.”
Nell entered the room then, taking in the scene and then walking quickly to cup Grandmother’s elbow and help lead her from the room.
As much as I wanted to be the one to give Tabitha a taste of her own medicine, I had to begin to get better now. I couldn’t delay one more second.
“Would you like to rest upstairs, Mrs. Castleton?” Nell’s soft, kind voice trailed back to me as I stood in the room, alone now. The fire flickered, tossing flames’ shadow about the room. The doctor’s card felt hot in my hand, as if tempting me to toss it into the fireplace to burn. But I gripped it firmly, daring it back. Burn me. Cut me. I didn’t care. I was calling the number.
I wouldn’t hurt people anymore.
And I would find a way off the destructive road I’d been driving for so long.
I wanted to be better.
And maybe, maybe there was a sliver of a chance Tarryn would give me a second shot.
Piece of glass.
I’ve carried it around in my pocket for years.
Since you.
The you that taught me about love.
What I thought was love.
From someone like a mother.
And then you left.
Carrying a piece of me with you.
A piece you lost, not that you meant to.
Not that you wanted to.
But nature is a force that is kind, cruel, unstoppable.
Then you started anew.
Taking a part of someone else.
And growing that into a life.
A life without me.
You were supposed to teach me.
But not that way.
Lane.
You should have stayed in your lane.
Instead of steering into mine, causing a crash that only one of us walked away from.
Piece of glass.
I’ve carried it around in my pocket for years.
Cutting.
Any chance I might have.
At a real relationship.
Is it too late to treat the scars as fresh wounds?
Is it too late to never learn how to drive?
Avoid the road with you all together...
I wish you’d crashed into someone else.
So, they could pick up this piece of glass from the busted windshield, instead of me.
*
If I were Tarryn, I wouldn’t give me another chance. I wasn’t that stupid. The typical girl might be more easily convinced that I’d changed, that I wanted to be a better person. But Tarryn wasn’t average. She wasn’t like anyone else I’d ever dated. It was part of the reason I wanted her so much, wanted her so badly.
And that was going to be the downfall of me.
I fell, truly fell, for someone too smart to be my fool twice.
4.
D R A K E
-several weeks after the photos, the Monday before winter break-
After texting Tarryn for the millionth time, begging for 5 minutes... just 5 minutes.
And she’d said no.
“This is our, what? Tenth session?” Doctor Allporth sat with legs crossed in a burgundy office chair. He stared at me over his thick-rimmed glasses, a hunter green notebook perched atop his knee and a fountain pen held loosely in his hand. He’d written more this session than he ever had before. I was beginning to feel like a case study for the retired psychologist.
“Yeah, that sounds about right.” I shifted against the leather couch, feeling uncomfortable. I’d poured all my deepest, darkest secrets out to this man. And I only had my grandmother's word that she wouldn’t pressure her old friend into a full report.
I had to admit though.
I felt better now, in this moment sitting in front of the ancient doctor, than I had in a long time.
In years.
I’d been sleeping better.
Eating better.
But all the progress in the world couldn’t chase Tarryn from my brain.
And I knew it was baby steps. One after another. To make me a better person. Worthy of her. But baby steps weren’t enough. I wanted to race across the miles. Jump over the mountains. Put the past behind me, for good this time. I just needed one more chance.
To prove that I wasn’t just a Castleton.
I was my own man, ready to build my own future, free and separate from my folks.
“I want to move on from Tabitha Lordes, Drake. We’ve spent nearly half our time today focusing on her, and what you might have done differently. My understanding is that she and her family are leaving River Valley. And--”
“I feel like shit about that,” I interjected, running a hand through my hair and slumping down further against the sofa. “I knew I was stringing Tabs on. Knew I was being a bastard. She did something wrong too, multiple things wrong, but because my family has cold hard cash and her family is one step away from foreclosure, they’re getting kicked out of town while I get to finish out my Senior year without a care in the fucking world.”
“That’s not exactly true, is it?” Doctor Allporth leaned forward, setting the green book aside and staring at me. “You’re not running around carefree and without scars over this situation, Drake. You’re in therapy. You’re trying to understand yourself, and your actions. You’re trying to be a better person. If you succeed, then there won’t be another Tabitha Lordes in your future. And that’s an important goal.”
“But the future doesn’t mean a damn thing to the present, Doc. I fucked her up. Fucked her family so bad they’re moving states.” Standing up quickly, I began pacing the room. Last session, the good Doc had joked that I’d have to buy him a new Persian rug since I was determined to walk holes into his.
“The future has everything to do with the present, and vice versa, Drake. Changing now informs how you affect people, and yourself, tomorrow. Tomorrow is a direct correlation to right now.”
“Fine, the past then. I can’t change the past. No matter how much I try to change, how much I want to be a good person tomorrow, it doesn’t change the goddamn past.”
“Okay, that’s true. I’ll give you that. You can’t change the past.” He paused, pushed his glasses up his crooked nose, and smiled. “But we can learn from the past. We can avoid making the same mistakes of the past. We can look in the mirror tomorrow and see that we’re not the same person we used to be.”
I shrugged noncommittally but stopped walking. I was still in hot water with Grandmother. Maybe owing the doctor a several thousand-dollar rug wasn’t the way to get back in her good graces.
I wanted to get back in my grandmother’s good graces. Fuck, that’s something I never thought would happen in a million years.
When I said nothing for a while, Doctor Allporth continued.
“So, we’re not going to focus on Tabitha Lordes anymore. At least, not until something happens or you feel the need to talk about her again. In that event, of course, I won’t try and steer you away from the topic. For the rest of our time today, though, I want to focus on self-worth.”
I scoffed, starting to pa
ce again. Self-worth.
Not so long ago, I’d have said I was worth ten other guys. More than that. I was goddamn priceless. Money. Prestige. Popularity. Fucking any girl that I wanted. None of them resisted.
And then Tarryn had waltzed into Castleton High. With her wacky blood sugar and messy hair and beautiful fucking mind... and beautiful fucking body.
“Last session, we talked about the state of your self-worth. Or maybe the better way to word it is—your feelings of worthlessness. You told me that you want to be good enough for a second chance with Tarryn. I wanted you to redirect those feelings. Focus on being good in your own eyes, rather than good enough for someone else.”
“I don’t care about myself, Doc.” I stopped in my tracks again, sighing and closing my eyes tightly. “I’ve spent years just caring about myself. What I wanted. Who I wanted. When I wanted it.”
“And that’s the core of the issue, Drake. You think you’ve been selfish all these years instead of what you’ve really been—depressed and trying to heal from a gross violation of trust. Trying to heal in all the wrong ways, but the truth still holds.”
“What I had with Lane--”
Doctor Allporth rarely interrupted me; he rarely put his own feelings on display. He wouldn’t be a good therapist if he made a habit of losing his cool. Yet, on this subject, he had trouble staying impartial.
“Lane was your teacher, Drake. She was in a position of power. It was unforgiveable, not to mention illegal.”
“I wanted her as much as she wanted me,” I grumbled, falling against the leather couch, and feeling like a raw nerve. Even the lightest brush of air shot excruciating pain through me.
“You wanted to feel loved, Drake. You were a boy, with an absentee mother and an emotionally abusive father who fell prey to teenage hormones and a power imbalance. Someone bigger than you, stronger than you, took advantage of your insecurity and vulnerability. She used you for her own needs and fantasies because she could. And she got away with it. She was paid to leave, and she left, Drake.”
“Lane wasn’t bigger than me. She wasn’t stronger.”
“In the ways that matter, Drake, she was.” Before I could argue, Doctor Allporth held up a hand. “I’m not talking in a physical sense, Drake. Obviously, the woman did not have more muscles. She could not bench press three hundred pounds and beat you at arm wrestling. She was an adult, with the emotional growth of an adult, positioned above you within the constructs of the school environment.”
“Were you always like this, Doc?” I quirked an eyebrow, crossing my arms and staring him down.
“Like what, Drake?”
“Forceful with your patients. I thought good docs guided the therapy gently, letting things unfold. They didn’t steer the ship like a forcible one-eyed pirate with a bone to pick.”
“Well,” Doctor Allporth laughed, the tenor rumble of his voice full of gravel, “some of my patients over the years needed the tempestuous pirate versus the hospital cruise ship captain.”
“And I’m one of those patients.” It wasn’t a question.
“You are, without a doubt, one of those patients.” He smiled at me now, before retrieving his green book and writing a few sentences. “Let’s call it quits for today and pick up with the subject of self-worth Wednesday after school.”
“No real school On Wednesday, Doc. I’ve only got one more exam at 9 and them I’m off for break.”
“Ah,” he stood up, walking to his desk to run a finger down his large calendar. “Mind coming in after the exam then? That’ll leave my afternoon free for a round of golf.”
“Is golf part of the retiree’s handbook? Have a career, finish career, retire and play golf?” Standing up, I stretched.
“No, some of us move to Florida and buy a pool. I’d miss the seasons too much for that though. So, golf, beer, and gardening it is.”
“Not so sure I want to become a better person to work towards that future,” I laughed. “If golf or a pool are my choices, I’d just as well embrace bad choices and loose morals.”
“When you have the right people around you, a boring life isn’t so bad.” He gave me a smile, his eyes twinkling like he knew the secret to happiness. My own Mona Lisa, hiding the truth behind a simple expression. Da Vinci couldn’t figure out her secrets, so I had a fat chance in hell of divining what this old man knew that I didn’t. Golf and gardening gave him a soul at peace.
That didn’t resonate with me.
But the other part did... about being with the right people.
Tarryn was like that. She could make even boring shit fun. She could make something I’d done a million times, feel new. I missed the hell out of her. It was like I’d known her my whole goddamn life, just to have her ripped away from me when I most needed her.
“See you Wednesday, Doc.” I gave him a quick wave, the feeling of lightheartedness that had come when I’d teased him about golf, flitting away as fast as it had arrived. Suffocating weight settled back over me, heavy and dense, making me feel like my boots rested in concrete that was nearly cured, nearly hard enough to walk on. The only problem was that I was trapped inside as it grew firmer. I couldn’t get out. And I was blocking the path for other people, just by being fucking alive.
I spiraled, down into the shadows that had been threatening to consume me. Doctor Allporth’s sessions helped, they chased away some of the dark, but it didn’t take long for the lights to go out when I left.
I pushed out into the sunlight, beelining for the car my grandmother had given me from her own private garage. Her collection had shrunk over the years, without Grandfather Hiram around to insist otherwise, but she’d kept four or five more practical vehicles. It was a fine car, but driving it only reminded me of something else I’d lost in the aftermath of the photos.
Dad had been pissed over the situation, taking away my baby. I wanted my goddamn convertible back, but there was no reasoning with my father. He’d gone so far as to have my fucking car booted so I couldn’t hotwire it and take it for a joyride.
Thankfully, my father was the real persona non gratis in my grandmother’s shit book. She’d been more than happy to provide me with transportation when she’d found out I was currently car-less, especially since I’d agreed to see Doctor Allporth three times a week. The four door Mercedes was more suited for a corporate goon than a high school senior, but I was grateful.
Sure, Grandmother was still disappointed with me, still holding onto the keys to the kingdom because her son and grandson were unworthy, but my attending therapy had softened her. I was seeing a different side of her lately. She wasn’t the evil monster my father made her out to be, and I was beginning to think that all of his vitriol towards her, all of his thinly veiled hate, was due to his own shortcomings instead of hers. Hell, I’d had a handful of decent conversations with the woman since the photos.
She was acting more human and treating me like I was worth something.
She was interested in the future I wanted, not just the continuation of her legacy. She wanted to hear my ideas, wanted to hear how I’d change things for Castleton industries if I ever became head of the family.
Not the wicked old witch.
Not the evil bitch in her castle.
A grandmother who had expectations. A mother who demanded respect.
There was a gray area around her, a reason why she’d always been so hard on me, and hard on my dad. It wasn’t so simple as black and white.
I was beginning to learn that it never was.
Not when it came to people or feelings or actions and reactions.
The whole world was a wash of in-between.
Seated, engine cranked, I sat there for a moment debating whether or not I wanted to wear my seatbelt. I always had to think about it... what if I got in a wreck? Wouldn’t it be easier to just not have a seatbelt on...? To not have that safety net. Maybe I’d die.
Was that suicidal?
Fuck, it was suicidal. To even think about whether I wanted t
o take that precaution. Think about if I wanted to be ‘safe’ or not. Slamming my hands against the steering wheel, I yelled. I didn’t even care how it startled the woman and her kid three spots over. Didn’t care how she pulled her child to her body and gave me a wary glance.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I took a deep breath before leaning back against the seat to snack a hand into my jeans and snag the mobile. Then, before checking the message—because if it was another heart buster from Tarryn, I might really drive off without my seatbelt—I buckled.
But then I read it. Well, I read ‘them’. Multiple messages. I was surprised he’d written me actually, considering how I’d been blowing everyone off lately.
My heart skipped a goddamn beat.
I had to read the messages twice.
Steve: Found out my girl’s leaving me for break on Friday. Going to the mountains with her folks. Thinking about tagging along, all incognito and shit. Want in?
Steve: Tarryn’s going with her... Steve sent the message without completing the thought, though it was obvious.
Steve: You guys still off or back on?
Me: Hell yes, I’m in. I’ll pay for the fucking place and drive. I ignored the question. Simply because I didn’t want to face it.
Steve: Dope. I’ll send the deets. Let’s leave Thursday so we’re ahead of them. Try to get as close to their cabin as you can.
Me: Obviously.
Maybe I couldn’t convince her to see me or talk to me right now, but if we just happened to be in the same place on Christmas break? Snow falling on mountains. Hot cups of cocoa. Fire light and warm blankets.
It was the perfect formula for a second chance.
I was smart enough to know that my plan wasn’t healthy, but fuck, I hadn’t planned it. The opportunity had fallen right into my lap.
And who was I to look a gift horse in the mouth?
I checked the mirrors and kicked the Mercedes into reverse, shooting out of the parking spot and towards the house. I’d pack a bag, head over to Steve’s, and see if we couldn’t get a last-minute rental close to Sasha’s family. Hopefully Steve knew exactly where they were staying.
Balls: A Bully Romance (The King of Castleton High Book 4) Page 4