by Jamie Knight
Any fans I had have probably removed me from their timelines, newsfeeds, and everything after seeing that I had lied about being drunk and just made an ass of myself at a charity event for children in need. Palir was right. Without a proper explanation, people let their imaginations run wild and now people just think I’m a huge jerk who didn’t want a generous charity to receive any funding.
There is no coming back from this. I have hit rock bottom.
“It’s been three days, kid. Please tell me you’re thinking of something other than suicide and ordering food off Postmates.”
“Palir, you can go home. I’m not keeping you here. You’re choosing to stay here. And I really don’t know why.”
He sighs, “You don’t know why. Of course you don’t. It’s because I care about you. I’m not just being dramatic when I bring up suicide, Bryan, I’m worried about you. I’m going to be here until I know you’re not a danger to yourself. I’m here as a friend, not as your employee. I’m sure you don’t believe that, but that’s the black and white of it. I’m here for you.”
“Thank you, Palir.”
I should be more grateful to have someone like Palir in my life. I shouldn’t be taking him for granted. But I don’t know what he wants from me. If it’s just confirmation that I won’t kill myself, then I guess he can stay as long as he needs but I hope he’s not expecting me to miraculously dig myself out of this depression. The only way that’ll happen is if some news comes out about me that completely changes people’s view of me back to something admirable.
“What the — Oh boy…,” Palir groans as he throws his phone at the couch. “Can’t we catch a single fucking break?”
“What is it now? My parents disowning me?” I ask apathetically.
“Y’know what, maybe. I don’t know how they’re going to handle this news.”
Palir grabs the phone from the couch and hands it to me, showing me the news video that’ll be haunting my waking and sleeping hours. Under the headline I can’t read is a picture of me smoking a blunt back in my college days.
“So, this was the dirt Grady had, huh?”
“I guess so,” I reply staring at the picture.
It’s hypnotic almost. Seeing myself in the past just having a good time with some college friends, completely unaware that that small moment in my life will come back to bite me in the ass during a very difficult time in my life. What an idiot. I should have listened to all the PSA’s we had to sit through in health class.
It’s funny thinking back at all the times in college where my friends and I just shot the shit with each other while everyone else was focused on the anti-weed videos that were playing in the front of the class. That is some real-life foreshadowing. Or hindsight. Regardless, I was a fool to not heed the warnings of all of those videos and teachers and online advertisements.
Now, I’m stuck in quite the irreversible predicament.
“It is Grady. Last name’s Banks, right? He’s the owner of this publication. Goddamn him. We can’t catch a single break and it’s starting to piss me off,” Palir mopes.
We sit solemnly in silence until our silence is broken by the sound of Palir’s ringtone. He leaves the room to answer it and returns shortly with a ghastly, pale face. He tells me he’s going to turn his phone off for some time and get us some hamburgers so he can get some fresh air.
His refusal to tell me any details on the conversation he had over the phone pokes at my curiosity, so before he leaves, I ask him to tell me what that was about.
“Well, it uh… it was your coach. And he was graciously informing me that you have been suspended from the team until you agree to being subject to a drug test. They will be testing for cannabis. I know you don’t smoke dope, so I think it would be a great idea if you would go and take that drug test as soon as possible. Can we agree to that, please?”
“I agree that it would be a good idea, but… I don’t even know if I want to continue being a professional football player, Palir. I’m… I have no drive anymore.”
“I’m going to get you a double hamburger and hopefully that’ll change your mind. Come on. Think about your future while I’m out. You can’t mope forever,” Palir says before heading out.
Suspending me from the team is only the first step in cutting me loose. Palir may not see it but I do. I envy his ability to remain optimistic even after the endless barrage of bullshit being slung our way. My way. Palir is fine. Even if I crash and burn, he can move on and have a successful career as someone’s manager. Should I end up crashing and burning, I’m going to make sure he gets every dollar I have. He deserves it.
Everything is spiraling.
There is no coming back from this. My parents built me up to be an athletic, money making superstar and I couldn’t even make them proud. I can’t claim to have done this for myself. My life has been somebody else’s. I’m losing sight of who I am, and who I want to be. Everything around me is turning into shapes. I’m losing sight of everything.
I wish Palir hadn’t left.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Scout
I wish Palir had gotten through to Bryan. Or rather, I wish Bryan hadn’t allowed everything to have piled up against him. He’s a strong man physically but his parents have left him so weak. They kept him from learning something so basic and he’s had to pay for it his entire life.
While he’s been off doing who knows what, I’ve managed to stay busy. I couldn’t clean my house forever, so I had to do something. Plus, I have responsibilities outside of taking care of an adult man. I have an organization to run and kids to interact with.
At first, it was uncomfortable. There were some children whose parents removed them from the program due to the scandal that was circulating. It was expected, but still, I was hoping that people would see past the tabloid nonsense and see that nothing had changed about me at all, except my exposure due to the person I was seeing.
Thankfully the kids still treated me the same. The blunt nature of children led to some awkward questions those first couple of days back volunteering my time, but the kids understood that sometimes adults get drunk and that getting drunk doesn’t make someone a bad person. In fact, the kids understood better than the parents. Having a few drinks doesn’t automatically make a person irresponsible. I didn’t drink and drive, I didn’t physically assault anyone, I should not be getting punished for having a bit of fun. It wasn’t even fun that night, I was just trying not to let Bryan’s parents get to me.
This entire experience has been me honing my ability to see in hindsight. I shouldn’t have gotten involved with a celebrity looking to repair his image using me and my organization. I shouldn’t have had an entire bottle of wine on an empty stomach just to survive one dinner with a pair of old rich farts.
With some time and therapy, those will all just be sour memories. And working with these children is a kind of therapy in itself. I may not be able to talk to these kids about what’s stressing me out in my life or just getting little things off my chest, but it allows me to clear my mind and help make a difference. As long as I’m working, I’m keeping kids off the streets. That’s what I have to keep reminding myself.
“Ms. Thomason,” a child mumbles as she pulls on my shirt, “there’s someone looking for you.”
She points at the school’s front gate where Palir stands looking anxious and very worn out. Part of me really wants to ignore him or tell him to contact me during office hours but I know he wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t important. But he’s going to have to wait until six o’clock when the last of these kids is picked up by their parents.
Once the last student’s legal guardian signs them out, I clean up and watch Palir squirm where he stands as he waits for me to actually interact with him. I walk over to him with my supplies and tell him to join me as we walk to my car.
“Sure, fine, whatever, can we have a conversation? Please? It’s important,” he insists.
“I knew you’d say that. But look, whe
n I’m working, I have to focus on nothing but the kids, alright? I’m not letting myself get distracted again.”
Palir sighs, “Look… I’m not here to try to distract you. Bryan isn’t doing well, and I’m worried about him. I need you to go and talk to him, please. He’s my best friend, which might be a sad thing to say out loud, but it’s true. He’s a good guy, he just needs some help. He needs you.”
“Why?” I ask, “Why me? He hasn’t called me in over a week for so much as a check-in. Or a booty call. Complete radio silence. I was more than willing to help him, but I need some sign that my presence is wanted. And I haven’t gotten one.”
“This is it,” he announces, “I’m the sign you’re looking for. I’m here to tell you, golly, Scout, Bryan sure does need you in his life. He needs his wife.”
“Fake wife. Fake fiancé, actually. We never got fake married,” I remind him.
We reach my car where I store the big bin of supplies.
“So, is that all, Palir?”
“Your engagement may not have been real, but you two had something going. You can’t deny that. Heck, even I felt it. The kid is crazy about you. I know that the feeling isn’t one-sided. Please, just go and talk to him, try to cheer him up. I’m all out of ideas, Scout. And don’t you have a bone to pick with him. Go get into an argument with him, just spark some life back into him. He needs it. You can’t tell me you don’t care about him anymore.”
I don’t owe Palir an answer. I don’t owe anybody anything. I’m sick and tired of having to accommodate for everyone’s feelings but my own. I do care about Bryan and I hope that he gets out of his funk, but I can’t be responsible for his feelings.
“Please, Scout. The happiest I’ve seen him in a long time was when he was with you. Please. I’ll never ask you for anything again, just please go see him,” he pleads.
His fast moving silver tongue is fairly persuasive.
“Fine. Give me the keys to his place, I want to go alone.”
“Whatever you need, Scout. I just want our boy to get better,” he says as he hands me a pair of keys from his enormous key ring.
****
At the door of Bryan’s place, I find myself wondering if it’s really worth going inside. I’m going to find the man I fell in love with at his absolute worst. And for some reason, I’ve been tasked with getting him back to his normal self. It’s not something I want to do, but I have to.
I’m going to go in hard. Bryan may be expecting a tearful reunion with lots of hugging and crying, but I am going to give him a kick in the ass for spending days on end laying around in bed waiting for things to change without making an actual effort to change anything. I’ve been working my ass off making sure I don’t spiral into some sort of depression. He may have had his name raked across the mud, but that doesn’t allow him to just withdraw from society completely.
I insert the key into the lock to his front door and push the door wide open, making it slam against the hallway door. I quickly walk into his room and find the mess of a man himself. Bryan turns around slowly and groggily. Without even making eye contact with him, I grab the blackout curtain to the largest window in the room and pull it completely off of its hinges, surprising me. I didn’t know I had that kind of strength.
The bright natural light beaming into the room now fully wakes Bryan up, but he tries to cover himself with his blanket to keep himself swimming in depressing darkness. I put an end to that, though. I grab the large blanket he has himself entangled in and pull it off of him. Finally, I get a response from him.
“Scout, what — what are you doing here? Give me my blanket back!”
“Quite acting like a child, Bryan. For Christ’s sake, what do you expect to do, live the rest of your days in your room having Palir deliver you food until you die or get sick of fast food?”
“I don’t know,” he groans covering his face with one of his pillows.
I pull the pillow from him and climb on top of him.
“Come on, love. What are you doing?”
Bryan tries to push me off of him, but I stay saddled on him as if I’m fighting to stay on top of a mechanical bull.
“You can’t shut the world out. Or your problems. Sooner or later you’re going to have to face the consequences. You may not be responsible for the consequences you have to deal with, but you’re certainly at fault if you don’t act like an adult and take care of them.”
“What do you want me to do? Go out and tell everyone I’m a little idiot who never learned how to read well? That I had everything handed to me even though I didn’t earn any of it? That my parents have given me a very privileged life and sheltered me from any sort of hardship, hardship like learning how to fucking read with dyslexia?” he argues angrily.
“Yes!” I scream in his face. “That’s what you’re going to have to do in order to move on. You’ll have to face the memes and noise but… You won’t do it alone. Palir will be at your side. And I will be, too… Only if you get your shit together, though. That is my one and only condition for this.”
Bryan stops fighting me. He relaxes his body and collapsed under my welcomed weight. He nods his head and sniffles to keep some tears held back.
“You’re right. I’m… I’m pathetic. And I’m sorry. You don’t have to stick around.”
“But I want to. Bryan, I want to be in your life. But I need to know that you want me to be in it. Do you want me to be in your life, or… have I just wasted a lot of time?”
He sighs. “Scout, I want you to be in my life. You’re my only friend, next to Palir. But you understand me in ways Palir doesn’t. I want you but I just can’t promise that you’ll live a happy life with what I’m going to be dealing with for the next… who knows how long.”
I promise myself to Bryan and assure him that I will stick by his side throughout everything. I swear to be his support system throughout these hardships.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Scout
Bryan sits up to kiss me. I kiss him back.
“I’ve missed you. Your voice, your visits, your calls. I opened up my phone and looked at your pictures and they made me realize how much I missed you. I missed grasping your body as I pushed you against the wall. I miss hearing your soft moans as I caress your curves,” he says running his fingers down my sides, “I missed hearing you say my name as I was grinding my growing bulge against you, Scout. I didn’t realize how much I missed you, how much I wanted you again, how much I was getting homesick when I was far from you. I’m so happy to have you here now.”
I ask him to take me and my hands reach over for his body as his mouth starts running over me. The soft breaths that escape his lips make my body shiver as my lips start to nuzzle his neck. His left hand wraps around my waist, grabbing tightly, not wanting to let me go this time.
His other hand begins to caress my body further, gently sliding from my hip to my side then softly making its way up to my breast as he begins to massage them. His hand tugs and his fingers press into them.
He settles a tender kiss on my neck. He nuzzles my skin with his hot and humid breaths as he presses himself closer against me. Bryan whispers into my ear how much he missed me as he secures his grip on my waist.
After a moment, his right hand leaves my breast to slide down my stomach until he finds the hem of my pants. He understands what I want, and I take off my pants before removing his.
As our lips meet again, I pull on the top of his boxers to have access to his cock. Once more, he reaches for his nightstand to take out a condom and wrap it against his member. Then, he puts me against the headboard of his bed, grinding his crotch against mine to make our underwear wet. He rubs his bulge between my legs, marking the fabric of his underwear with my juices. I ask him to take them off and he obliges.
Now able to grind his warm, hard cock against me, he rubs it between my moist lips as I wrap my legs around him. He takes hold of my ass while he approaches the wet hole between my legs. He thrusts his hips harder,
knocking the tip of his cock into my opening.
Words escape my lips as he fills me up. He pushes his cock into my opening, widening my entrance as he begins to rub my pussy walls. His girth widens me as he goes deeper. His cock pushes homeward as his thickness rubs my tight walls apart. He begins to rock his hips, grinding his hard member in my soft and welcoming pussy. His breathing is getting heavier as he pumps his cock deeper within me.
My legs fasten tightly around his hips as he bangs me against the headboard, nailing me with his hard length. My hands grasp a hold of his hair while he begins to fuck me harder. The walls of the room shiver, tremble, and shake as he fucks me relentlessly just like I’ve wanted him to for the past few days, every day since he was last inside me. My hole grabs his cock as I cling to his body. My legs tighten around his waist as my shivering walls close against his thick, hard cock.
Bryan continues fucking me senselessly until my moans get loud enough to make the windows rumble. He tells me that he’s getting there, and I tell him to come. He thrusts his cock faster the more I beg him to cum inside of me. I repeat the words and he buries his cock inside of me, nestling the tip in my depths as he begins to cum. Bryan’s cock throbs in my tight hole, pulsing against my walls as we moan together. The condom can barely hold the thick and warm cum that comes from his climax as my body quivers with his.
After we clean up, we find ourselves sitting in silence waiting for the other person to say something.
“Bryan, I promise to stand by your side no matter how you choose to tackle this. But you have to face it. That’s the one thing you have to do,” I warn him.