by Amity Cross
I shrugged. With all the muscles, he could handle it.
“Are you training tonight?” he asked.
The question took me by surprise considering his epic storm off last night. “No, I, uh… I’ve got plans.”
He looked disappointed, and it threw a wrench into everything I knew about him, myself, and the world. Someone like Lawson being disappointed someone like me wouldn’t be around? It didn’t compute.
The office filled with awkward silence, and he glanced at the clock.
“I’ve got a client,” he said.
“Okay.”
“Uh…” He raked his hand through his hair again, then strode from the room.
I stared after him, not knowing what to do or think.
Don’t try to deconstruct it, Amber, I thought. This is the real world where he would make something happen if he wanted to. You’re not strong enough to handle the responsibility of going after a guy like him. It’s a fine line between something real and something convenient.
If he wanted something, he would come back. Wouldn’t he?
Shaking my head, I opened the box and began taking out the books. I didn’t need a man, I didn’t need another mangled heart, and I sure as hell didn’t need another obsession.
7
Lawson
I lied. I didn’t have any clients that morning.
I always blocked out one morning a week so I could have a break. Usually, I slept in, or I went into the city, or I took care of any outstanding business, but today, I’d come into the Phoenix.
I’d come into the Phoenix to see Amber.
I lifted the dumbbell and stared at my reflection, watching my movements, focusing on anything other than that sexy little mouse upstairs. She seriously didn’t realise how beautiful she was. Maybe she’d been around the wrong people too long. Maybe she’d been through something. Maybe… I shook my head. Why I didn’t just go after her, I didn’t know. I saw it in her eyes even though she did everything in her power to hide it.
There was something else going on. I’d barely gotten to know her, but I felt the possibility of more.
Sure, I fucked around, had a little fun from time to time but more than that? No fucking way. Never again. Love was another word for pain and misery.
But Amber and I…
“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.”
My heart skipped a beat, and I turned, coming face-to-face with a blast from the past. She was tall, blonde, and beautiful just like I remembered. Maybe her hair was a little lighter and her figure a little more fleshed out, but she was still slim and had a healthy glow about her. Blue eyes stared at me, and a triumphant smile was on her full lips.
“Sera.” Her name came out in a snarl, and the sight of her did strange things to me. “What are you doing here?”
“Aw, after all these years, that’s all I get?”
“Last time I saw you, you made it clear you’d rip off my balls if I ever came back. Forgive me for giving you what you wanted.”
She lowered her head and peeked up at me. “I missed you, okay?”
I snorted and turned my back on her.
“Lawson.” Sera stepped around me so she was in my face again. A waft of some flowery perfume smacked me in the face, and memories came flooding to the surface. Memories I thought I’d locked away for good. After all this time, she still wore the same scent.
“How did you even know I was here?” I asked.
“Why do you think it took me two years to show up?” She pouted and crossed her arms over her chest. “You didn’t make it easy.”
“That was the point.”
“Look, I uh… I was too hasty back then,” she said. Biting her bottom lip, she glanced out over the gym. “I was hurt. Everything that happened with Sa—”
“Don’t,” I snapped.
Sera narrowed her eyes, and the woman I knew a lifetime ago began to surface. She’d been wild back then, partying, doing drugs, getting drunk almost every night, and bleeding her trust fund dry. Sera oozed sex and fucked everything that looked twice at her, including me. We’d shared a lot of bodily fluids, but that was a lifetime ago. When a random fuck stays in your life and causes trouble, you know you’ve dipped your cock into the wrong hole. Sera had no self-control, but neither had I. We’d imploded together.
What I didn’t get was why she was turning up now. Fuck, why was she turning up at all?
“Why are you really here, Sera?”
“I told you, I missed you.”
“It’s never ‘just because’ with you,” I said. “There’s always some ulterior motive. So what is it this time?”
“Law, don’t be an arse. I’m in one of the things,” she said, waving her hand, “where people talk about their shit.”
“A support group?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Don’t look so surprised. Some people do grow up and take responsibility, you know.” She sighed dramatically and flicked her hair over her shoulder. “I really do miss you, Lawson. Gaining forgiveness is one of the things they preach in the group, so here I am. Making amends for my past mistakes. Why else would I have searched for you for two years?”
To manipulate me in one of your grand schemes, I thought.
The sentiment must have translated to my face because she pouted.
“Let me prove it to you,” she declared. “Be my personal trainer.”
“No. I’m booked solid.”
“Now, don’t be so hasty. After everything that happened, I think you owe it to me.”
I ground my teeth together and looked up at the office windows. Amber was nowhere in sight. I didn’t want Sera back in my life, but I wasn’t sure I had a choice. If I kicked her out, she would go back to her old ways of backstabbing and destroying on a fucking nuclear level. She was as much to blame for everything as I was, yet here we were.
“You got to start over, Lawson,” Sera declared, her expression twisting. “You got to wipe the slate clean. I have to live with it every day.”
“And you think I don’t?” I snarled.
She took a step back and smoothed down her top. When her gaze met mine again, she was composed and clear of anger.
“Train me, Lawson. Let me show you that things are different now.”
“What if I don’t?”
“You will,” she said with a smile. “I know you too well.”
I scowled and curled my hands into tight fists.
“Tomorrow?” she asked.
Fuck. There was no way I was getting out of this. Sera had found me and staked her claim, and when she wanted something, she wouldn’t stop until she made it hers. The only choice I had was to go along with her game until I found a way out of it.
I nodded, and she grinned, clapping her hands together.
“Oh, we’re going to have so much fun,” she purred, jutting her breasts toward me. “Just like old times.”
8
Amber
I stared down over the gym from my hiding place in the office and scowled.
Lawson was training a new client, some woman who looked like she’d walked off the set of a Sports Illustrated photo shoot. All tall, leggy, blonde, big boobed, flat stomached, and perfect. Typical.
She was putting her hands all over him. She would laugh, then lean in and stroke her fingers over his jaw. A moment later, she would deliberately mess up so he had to put his hands on her. It was so obvious they were fucking it was a joke.
Still, I wasn’t prepared for the sting of jealousy that flared in my heart at the sight of them together. It crippled me in a way I’d never felt before.
My phone buzzed, and I picked it up with a sigh. Who was I kidding? Compared to that woman, I was an ugly duckling. I had to forget about it before I left another casualty in my wake.
I brought my phone to life and saw a text from Montana. I’m downstairs.
The thought of leaving the office and having to be in the same breathing space with Lawson and his new whatever she was made me feel
nauseous, but I went downstairs, anyway. Moving on and upward was my thing these days.
Montana’s nose was pressed up against the glass as I approached. When she saw me, she waved, and some of the weight lifted off my shoulders. It was good to see her.
Opening the door, I smiled as she strode in like she owned the place. I was still craving more of her confidence even though I’d gained a little since meeting her.
“So this is the infamous Phoenix, huh?” she asked, looking around. “Where are all the hot fighters you tell me about?”
“It’s quiet this time of day. I think they go and hibernate.”
“Oh, ha-ha.” She waved me off.
I led her through the gym, deliberately taking a path that would hide us from Lawson and his new toy.
“Wow, it’s really empty.”
“We’re working on it,” I said as we clattered up the stairs. “It’s slow going, though.”
Showing her into the office, I closed us inside, blocking out the noise from the gym. Rock music, the drone of treadmills, and the clang of weights.
“So this is where you work.” Montana flung her handbag on to the desk and gave the place a once-over. “It’s a little…”
“Minimal?”
“Yeah, that.”
“At least it’s clean,” I said. “You should have seen the filing cabinet before I got my hands on it.”
“Boys and mess go together like…something or rather.” She walked to the windows and looked out at the street below, then did a lap. “It’s kinda cool here. Are you sure your boss won’t mind me hanging out?”
“Nah, Simon’s cool.”
Montana sat on the desk and swung her feet back and forth. “What’s in the boxes?”
“I’ve got samples from a bunch of local businesses to give out at the first cooking class,” I explained. “There are herbal tea sachets, an all-natural face mask, vegan cookies, discount vouchers, and all kinds of stuff. I’m going to make them up into gift bags.”
“Damn, that’s awesome. Can I come?”
I laughed. “It’s booked out, I’m afraid.”
“I want on the waiting list,” she declared. “Girl, I think you’ve found your calling.”
“Organisation?”
“Event planning. Oh, and have you looked in a mirror recently? I think you’ve got fucking abs.” She pouted and threw her head back. “Bitch.”
“If you want abs, then you’re welcome to come in and do some crunches.”
“Exercise and I don’t mix well.” She winked. “Unless it’s naughty exercise. Seriously, this place is hot. Do they need an HR manager because I know a chick who fits the position.”
“You’ll have to supply your own towel to wipe up the drool.”
“Very funny.” She hopped off the desk and pressed her forehead against the window. “So which one is Lawson?”
I knew she was dying to lay eyes on him, but she couldn’t have picked a worse day. I looked out over the gym and scowled. He was still training the blonde, though she wasn’t dry humping him now.
“There.” I pointed him out and pretended not to vomit.
“That’s Lawson?” Her eyes widened. “Shit, girl. Who’s that with him?”
“I don’t know. She turned up this morning.” I rolled my eyes. “It’s his girlfriend, I suppose.”
“She’s very… PDA.” Montana snorted as the woman flung her arm around his neck. “Women who overcompensate with affection are usually desperate.”
“Or they’re in that lovey-dovey, can’t keep their hands off each other, honeymoon stage.” It came out rather sullen, and I glanced away.
“You’re really into him, aren’t you?”
“I can’t be,” I replied, opening the box of herbal tea. I flung the packets down on the desk, and a stack fell to the floor.
“Why not? A little harmless crush never hurt anyone.”
“Crushes are never harmless.” I flung more peppermint sachets across the desk. “That’s why they call them crushes.”
“Uh, I sense there’s something more going on here,” Montana said, scooping up the mess on the floor. “Some guy broke your heart real good, huh?”
I sighed. “It’s not just any one guy. More like everyone I’ve ever gone out with.”
“It’s not that dire, is it?”
“I’ve sworn off love,” I declared in an attempt to keep my armour screwed on. I was acting just like Lawson said. Hiding my pain.
“What? Like forever?”
Montana gave me a look like I was a crazy person. It was normal to want to be loved—it was part of the human condition, after all—but to the point that I used to want it? Women like me went down in history as crazy cat ladies in the making. All I needed was my first feline companion.
“Yes,” I declared.
“Why?”
“Why?” I scoffed, on the verge of snapping. “I wanted it so badly that I neglected everything else in my life to the point I destroyed it. I went for the wrong guys, clinging onto any throwaway comment like it was a declaration of love, got pulled into awful one-sided relationships, and here we are. I don’t know how to talk to people, I don’t know how to relate, and I don’t know how to operate like a normal human being. Every relationship I’ve had has been a failure. The longest I’ve been with anyone—if you can call it that—was two months. That’s how long it took me to realise I was being used. The desperate girl is a sure bet for a quick fuck.” I took a deep breath, willing my tears to fuck the hell off. “Every heartbreak has chipped a part of my soul away. I can’t find joy in anything. I’ve uprooted my life so many times I’ve lost count. I’ve been looking for that perfect combination of meaning and serendipity, just like you see in the movies. That’s how I thought life was meant to be to the point I became obsessed with it. I’m a mess. I’m nothing. I just want to belong and be loved, and I don’t fit anywhere. There’s nothing in me that anyone wants. I’ve gotten really good at hiding and making myself small so no one notices me, yet I obsess over what’s so wrong with all this that no one wants to know me. I’m the queen of self-sabotage. I’m the common denominator in all my failed relationships. I’m a fucking psycho.”
“Oh, Amber, don’t say that.” Montana threw her arms around me, and it was all I could do to hold back my tears.
“I’ve always been alone, and I don’t know how… I’ve missed some crucial step and…”
“You’re not alone,” she said firmly. “There are always going to be arseholes out there, and letting in the good always means a little bad might creep in, but that’s life. You don’t want to miss out on the things that make it worthwhile.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Amber.” She pulled back and smoothed my hair down. “You’re already doing it.”
My bottom lip trembled.
“There’s no instruction manual for these things, but as long as you try, then you’ll be just fine. Give it some time, look after yourself first, then worry about all the other stuff. Besides”—she picked up a sachet of chamomile tea and sniffed at it—“in the short time I’ve known you, you’ve changed. For the better.”
“I have?”
“Sure! I see you, Amber Wright, and you’re pretty fucking awesome.”
I blinked, wanting to cling to her words but not knowing how hard was too hard.
Montana smiled and gave me a pointed look. “I don’t make friends with just anyone, you know. I’m into quality, not quantity.”
“I’m…quality?”
“Sure. Now, about Lawson.”
I groaned and sank down into my chair. “Please, don’t.”
“Okay, okay. But if you need to vent, you know my number.”
I smiled and tidied the stack of tea. I wasn’t the venting kind of person, I was much more into stewing in my own juices, but I did feel a lot better getting all that mess off my chest. Kind of like throwing out the trash, I suppose.
“This is a turning point, Amber,” Montana
said, helping me take the rest of the tea out of the box. “I have a good feeling about this.”
“I hope so,” I replied. “I really hope so.”
I was in unknown territory. Past the point of no return. There were no save points left before the final fight.
I’d settled into the newest version of my life in record time. Things had never gone this well, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I knew I should be happy, but as outlandish as it seemed, I didn’t know how to be content. Always moving, always changing, always trying new things, always hoping that this time was it. Maybe it was this time. Maybe this was how contentment was meant to feel.
I rolled my eyes and loaded the last of the gift bags into the cardboard box on my desk. Yeah, if content meant the constant threat of a Lawson stealth bomb. Hot and cold had nothing on that guy. I didn’t want to think about him, but he was always at the forefront of my mind, the devil on my shoulder whispering dirty things in my ear, the temptation that was always just out of reach. Forget waterboarding. I reckoned unrequited lust was the ultimate torture.
Locking up the office for the night, I went downstairs and changed into my gym gear. After my conversation with Montana that morning, I’d spent the rest of the day deep in thought. She said I was already doing ‘it,’ whatever ‘it’ was. Participating in the human race? Probably.
Anyway, I figured the one thing I had control over was my actions, so I wasn’t going to skip my regular workout. Simon had gotten lax in his enthusiasm, but I hadn’t.
I emerged from the change rooms and made a beeline toward my favourite apparatus in the entire place. The punching bags. But before I could make it past the elliptical machines, I ran into none other than Lawson.
“Hey,” he said, watching me closely.
I paused. Glancing at him, I waited for the usual follow-up comment, but it didn’t come.
“Hey,” I replied.
“Who was that with you today?” he asked.
“A friend.”
“I see.”
I frowned, not wanting to read too much into his presence. Why was he lingering like that? Did he want to talk or something? I wasn’t lying when I told him I didn’t know what people talked about. Usually, I just politely answered people’s questions and forgot to ask some of my own, then they inevitably drifted away to more interesting conversations. Like Lawson drifted off to more interesting blondes.