by Amity Cross
I saw the look in his eyes, and my heart began to sink. Was that the familiar glint of regret I saw twinkling at me? He’d kissed me because he needed to get something out of his system—something that had nothing to do with me—and now he realised he’d trapped himself with a basket case.
“I didn’t expect it, either, you know,” I said a little too snootily. “One second, I was going about my own business, and the next, you were sucking my face off. So, yeah. We don’t have to do this, Lawson. If you want out, then there’s the door.” I turned my back to him, hiding the tears that had begun to well in my eyes. “There’s a free out for you.”
He grabbed my arm and spun me around. My gaze met his, and this time, I was the one who was trapped.
“I don’t want out, Amber.”
“You don’t?”
“I’m done trying to stay away.”
Lawson’s mouth met mine, and I gasped, my lips parting. Strong arms wound around my waist, tugging me against the length of his toned body, and I clung to him for dear life, my knees weak. His tongue twined with mine, dancing and tasting, then he pulled back just as abruptly as he’d caught me.
“Whoever he was, he did a real number on you,” he murmured.
“Not one ‘he,’” I said, attempting to catch my breath. “Many ‘he’s’ over the course of…” I sighed. “I’m sorry. It’s just that it’s never been any different. I kind of expect it to blow up in my face. I’ve learned to pre-empt the explosion.”
“I get it. You’re just trying to protect yourself.”
“And scare everyone off in the process.”
“Luckily for you, I’m a stubborn arsehole.” His lips curved, and he stroked his hand through my hair. “Eventually, you’ve gotta hope things will change.”
Things were starting to get a little deep, so I lowered my gaze lest I was trapped there all night.
“Do you want to order some food in?” I asked.
“Here?” His eyebrows rose.
I shrugged. “You said you weren’t dressed for out, and you can get just about anything delivered these days.”
Lawson looked thoughtful but not convinced. I thought about my place and immediately scratched it off the list. It was small, dingy, and had a bed…for doing stuff other than talking. I wasn’t sure I wanted things to go that fast, even though I’d fantasied about his cock rubbing up against me all day.
“Here?” Lawson asked.
“It’s private, and Simon’s gone home.”
“You didn’t mention anything to him, did you?”
I shook my head.
“Good. I’m not sure he’d be down with it, and…” There was that uncertain look again.
“I’m not sure I want to tell anyone, either, so don’t worry about it,” I said, giving him another metaphoric out. “It was one kiss, Lawson.” Man, how the love addicted grew up.
“Three,” he corrected.
“You’re keeping score?”
“Aren’t you?”
I shook my head and sat on the edge of the desk. Bringing the computer to life, I clicked on the web browser. “What do you want to eat?”
Eventually, we decided on fancy burgers from a restaurant down the street, and then we settled on the floor. Lawson was across from me, his legs crossed and his knees pressing against mine. We were closer than we’d ever been side by side, and I was hyperaware of every little movement he made. Honestly, I was terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing.
“What’s on your mind?” he asked, watching me stew in my own juices.
“A lot of things,” I replied. “Sometimes, I wish I could plug a recording device into my brain and translate some of the stuff that goes through it. Maybe I would understand myself then.”
He chuckled softly. “I never used to think much,” he admitted. “I was the kind of guy who just did stuff and thought about the consequences after I’d burned everything down. I think a lot more these days.”
“That’s the good kind of thinking,” I quipped. “What’s your favourite colour?”
He laughed. “I don’t really have one.”
“We have that in common.”
“I don’t have anything against pink, though. Each to their own.” He winked.
I thought about some of the other things I wanted to ask him and sorted out the touchy subjects from the easy stuff. The colour was the first thing I wanted to know after our conversation the other week. We always seemed to get into the heavy stuff, and I forgot my manners. Always answering questions and forgetting to ask some of my own.
I went with, “What’s with you and Simon?”
“We’ve known each other a long time,” Lawson replied. “We trained together back when I was fighting. He was already a pro boxer, and I wanted to get into MMA.”
“Didn’t you say you competed?”
“Yeah. Just amateur stuff. I had a chance to go pro. I had offers and—” He clamped his mouth shut and scowled.
Whatever happened in his past had obviously screwed with his chance at making fighting a career. I filed it in the ‘touchy subject’ column.
“You could try again,” I said. “It’s not too late, is it? I see guys fighting well into in their thirties.”
Lawson raised his eyebrow, just the one again. “You know something about MMA?”
“Since working here, yeah. I know there’s a big Australian league. There was that fight night thing a few weeks back.”
“The AUFC,” he said.
“Yeah, that’s it.”
He lowered his gaze and shrugged. “I don’t know. I kind of like how small and quiet my life is right now. That shit is a lot of pressure. I, uh…” He raked his hand through his hair. A nervous tick, perhaps?
I got the feeling he’d been through a lot, and the quiet was less complicated for him to contend with. That, I understood. The one-on-one time with someone was something I craved. Group situations were kind of overwhelming to the point I couldn’t keep up. I suppose that was why I liked hanging out with Montana and Hudson and sitting here with Lawson…once I’d gotten over the awkward kiss hurdle. It was a simple connection to another human being.
“I just… I want to talk to you,” Lawson said. “I want you to talk to me. I want…”
“You were alone, too,” I murmured.
He nodded. “I want…”
He was having trouble saying the words, so I said them for him. “To connect?”
“Yeah.” His shoulders slumped forward.
“Why me?”
“I don’t know, you just…are,” he replied. “Anyway, I stopped trying to answer that question a long time ago. Life is what it is. If it’s chemical, fate, spiritual, or just based on luck, I don’t know. All I understand is that it just is.”
He was so right it hurt. We both needed the same things, even though they were for different reasons, and had found each other at the right time.
“Why were you such an arsehole to me?” I asked, my gaze searching his. “If this was how you felt, why did you say those things?”
“I was surprised. There you were…” Lawson shrugged. “I thought I’d end up hurting you, so I thought… I was a dick to keep you away, but I couldn’t help myself.”
I stared at him, trying to make sense of the male psyche. The logic was baffling.
“What are you thinking?” he whispered.
“What, now? I mean… I…” I swallowed hard, the motion taking my fear with it. “I don’t know what to do.”
“We get to know one another. We explore this attraction, and we live. That’s what we do.”
My phone buzzed, shattering the closeness of the moment, and I picked it up, my hand shaking. No one had ever said those kinds of words to me. Ever. I hardly dared to hope.
“Food’s here,” I murmured.
“Cool,” Lawson said, rubbing his palm over my thigh. “I’ll go down and get it.”
I watched as he pushed to his feet and left the office. Lawson was complicated, brood
y, and downright hot, but when he turned on his mouth and said the things he did, I went haywire. Everything I knew about relationships and men went out the window. I was treading new ground and breaking out of old patterns. He seemed to understand or, at least, wanted to.
I shivered and reached for my jacket.
Unknown territory was never this exciting or terrifying.
After our first night together, things started to get a little muddy.
Lawson and I saw each other every other night for two weeks and every day at work. The cooking classes and my day-to-day admin went smoothly, but he was always in the back of my mind, wreaking havoc.
We talked a lot about nothing in particular, and his past was still elusive. We kissed a lot, and somehow, despite feeling how excited he was to be in a compromising position with me, Lawson always found a way to cool things off. The moment my hands found their way into his boxers, he tugged them out. On more than one occasion, I’d gone home and fingered some of my own satisfaction.
The thing that pissed me off was the fact I was ready for things to go further, and he knew. He knew and said nothing about it. In fact, he dodged all the hard questions, especially those not related to his cock.
I’d never connected to someone like I had with Lawson. We’d gotten to know one another quite well—well enough for sex to be on the plate and have it mean more than a passing flirtation.
We were outside of Phoenix exactly two weeks after that blistering kiss in the kitchen, and the night was swirling around us when my anxiety got the best of me.
Lawson stood close to me as I locked up the gym for the night—a responsibility Simon passed onto me more and more often, bless his irresponsible soul—and it was all I could do to keep it together. The classic over-thinker in me was about to explode. I’d been over all the scenarios so many times that they’d all bled into one big mess.
Lawson was hard and still didn’t touch me. I wanted him skin on skin. I wanted him to make me come. So why wouldn’t he? Something had to be wrong with me. I was the common denominator in all my failed relationships, after all.
“What’s wrong?” he asked when I turned around.
I shook my head, pursing my lips. It sounded stupid the more I thought about it. I was pissed he didn’t want to have sex with me. Was I so shallow?
“Amber.”
I buried my hands around the lapels of his jacket and pulled him close. It wasn’t exactly the best conversation to have on a busy street.
“What’s the matter?” he asked, wrapping his arms around me.
“I…” I swallowed hard, trying to dislodge the knot in my throat. “I’m frustrated.”
His eyes narrowed. “I don’t want to fuck this up.”
I snorted and lowered my gaze. I felt my entire body tense, and there was no way he missed it.
“I’m complicated,” he murmured into my ear. “I’m messed up, Amber. You know that. We’ve talked about it.”
“That’s it,” I retorted. “We’ve talked, we’ve kissed, we’ve reached the line… I want to cross the line.”
“Is that what you want?”
“I want…”
“Say it,” he said, his voice taking on a husky tone.
“Here?” I glanced around at all the shops, cars, and pedestrians around us.
“Here.”
“I want…” No fear, Amber. “I feel how hard your cock is. I know you want me, and I want… I want you to make me come. I want to feel your mouth on me, your hands… I want to know what it’s like for you to be inside me. I want… I want to please you, too.”
“Fuck,” he hissed, his grasp tightening.
I felt dirty saying it like he would turn around and laugh in my face, but he didn’t. He just lowered his lips to mine and kissed me softly.
“Why won’t you?” I asked.
“It’s like I said,” he murmured. “I don’t want to fuck this up. Sex always fucks it up.”
I shook my head. “Not with the right person.”
He frowned. “You think I’m the right person?”
I nodded.
He drew in a deep breath, then let it out in one big sigh. He kissed me softly on the lips once more before he said, “Soon.”
I pulled away from him, my frustrations getting the better of me. I was borderline ready to go at it on the footpath.
“Amber,” Lawson said, his eyes pleading with me.
Old desperations rose to the surface reining me in. I wanted to be loved, to be cared for, to matter. With Lawson, I finally had the potential to have everything I ever wanted. If I gave him an ultimatum now—after two fucking weeks—history would repeat itself again, and I would be back where I started.
Remember your vow, Amber. Make or break. Don’t make sex your excuse.
“Okay,” I said, shoving my hands into my jacket pockets. I looked up at him and stilled my trembling. “See you tomorrow?”
His frown deepened, but he nodded. “Yeah.”
Turning, I walked toward the traffic lights and pressed the button for the pedestrian crossing. Glancing over my shoulder, he was standing where I left him, looking as forlorn as a lost puppy.
I knew I’d done the right thing, but unfortunately, it didn’t make me feel any better.
The lights changed, and I stepped out onto the road, wondering if the ground between us would always be this unstable. There was no way of knowing for sure.
I suppose that was what faith was all about.
13
Lawson
What the fuck was wrong with me?
I watched Amber walk away, my stomach churning.
I wanted to bend her over and fuck her stupid. No one else. Just her. My cock inside her tight pussy, my balls slapping against her arse. Burying inside her over and over… I wanted it so bad my nuts were blue.
So why did I keep stopping myself? She obviously wanted more. Those things she said… To her, I was the right person. After all this time, someone saw something better in me. Amber saw something worthwhile. Amber.
I thumped my fist against the wall and let out a frustrated moan.
“That doesn’t sound good,” a familiar voice purred.
I spun on my heel and came face-to-face with Sera. She was standing a few paces away, a smirk on her face.
“What are you doing here?” I demanded.
“You two look cute together,” she drawled. “Positively happy.”
“I thought I made myself clear.”
As she stepped forward, her heels clicked on the footpath.
“And I thought I made myself clear,” she said. “I’m not going away, Lawson. Did you think you were going to be that lucky?”
“Why?” I exclaimed, throwing my hands into the air. “After two years, you should really move on.”
“Do you really think I haven’t been keeping tabs on you all this time?” She laughed, the sound grating against my anger.
I hesitated. Sera had been tailing me since… The level of psycho just kept going up and up.
“It’s only fair,” she went on. “You ruined my life and stole my happiness, so now it’s my turn to ruin yours.” She tilted her head and glanced across the street in the direction Amber had disappeared. “You always liked the innocent little flowers. So easy to corrupt. So easy to drive to self-destruction.”
“She doesn’t know anything,” I snarled. “You want to destroy me? Fine, destroy me, but leave Amber out of this.”
“You haven’t told her? Oh, Law.” She shook her head. “Maybe I can do it for you?”
I ground my teeth together, barely holding onto my rage. I’d started something with Amber, and now I’d dragged her into this fucking mess. I knew she would get hurt, but I ignored my gut and listened to my dick instead. Selfish prick.
“Oh, my fucking God,” Sera declared, letting out a surprised laugh. She looked me over and raised her eyebrows. “You actually care about the little slut.”
“Don’t look so shocked,” I drawled.
“Wow. If only you’d shown the same level of fucks for Sadie, then maybe this would be a different story.”
I ran my hand over my face and curled my lip in distaste. I was getting sick and tired of this. “What’s your game here, Sera?”
“Like I said”—she prowled forward and dragged her fingertip over my chest—“a lifetime of misery.”
“Don’t you dare threaten me.”
Sera smiled and ran her palms over my T-shirt, smoothing down the fabric. “I’ll tell Amber you said hi.”
I tensed, and my hands shot up and grasped her wrists.
“Uh-uh, Lawson. We’re in public.”
I let her go and wrenched myself away from her poison. “If you go near Amber, I swear to God I’ll—”
“You’ll what?” She laughed and flicked her hair over her shoulder. “You can’t do a thing, and you know it.”
When Sera appeared the other week at the Phoenix, I should’ve listened to my gut. I should’ve turned her away, regardless of her threats. I should’ve dealt with her at that time, and then maybe I would’ve been able to keep Amber safe. Now I was fucked.
“Goodbye, Lawson,” Sera said, smiling triumphantly. “I’ll see you soon, babe.”
“Sera!” I shouted after her, but she kept walking. “Sera!”
I turned, not knowing which way to go. I cursed loudly, causing a passerby to stumble and walk a little faster. If I came clean to Amber, she would leave me. For the first time in a long time, I actually felt connected to someone. The selfish part of me didn’t want to let that go, but if Sera got to her first, it would be all over regardless.
What was I supposed to do? I had no fucking clue, but I did know that it was all my fault.
I destroyed everything I touched, after all.
14
Amber
I was caught in a spiral that was all too familiar.
After the awkward quasi-argument with Lawson outside the Phoenix, I’d avoided him. I wasn’t exactly embarrassed that I’d admitted the things I wanted him to do to me, but I was mortified because he still didn’t want me. Soon was a word people used to keep you on the hook without actually committing. People said it all the time. We’ll hang out soon, let’s catch up soon, or let’s go there soon. Soon never amounted to much just like the word ‘should.’ Soon and should were two of the worst words someone could fire off at an overthinking, obsessive person like me.