Torn: (#12 The Beat and The Pulse)

by Amity Cross

  So to my miswired brain, the logical thing to do was spend the next few days avoiding Lawson at work. He didn’t make much of an effort to corner me, and his use of the word soon hurt even more, which didn’t make much sense considering I was the one dodging him. No wonder men couldn’t work out what women wanted.

  Indigo was the place to be on a workday evening. Close to several office spaces and a slew of retail businesses, their midweek drink specials brought all the suits out to play. That included Montana and me, but it was more out of habit than anything. My two drink minimum stopped me from becoming an alcoholic. It also kept us from being kicked out for hogging our usual place by the bar and kept Hudson from being reprimanded for chatting with us all night.

  “What’s with you tonight?” Montana asked.

  She was wearing a new outfit. A black silk shirt tucked into a matte-black pencil skirt with black patent high heels. Her fake designer handbag, a ‘Prado,’ sat on the bar proudly. She called it ironic and said it was the midrange four-wheel drive of handbags. Considering my parents drove a Prado, I got the reference.

  “I’m okay.” I shrugged.

  “You’ve got that look on your face.”

  “What look on my face?”

  “Remember when we went to Priceline and you were staring at the hair ties with wistful abandon?”

  “I was not!”

  “Were so.” She tilted her head to the side and pouted.

  “Oh, fine,” I said with a groan. “I’ve been seeing Lawson.”

  She gasped and slapped her palm down on the bar. “How long?”

  “Two weeks.”

  “You’ve been seeing him for two weeks, and you didn’t tell me?”

  “Us,” Hudson corrected, lingering nearby.

  I flushed and tightened my grip on my empty glass. “I didn’t want to jinx it. Not that it helped.”

  “Why? What’s wrong?” Montana asked.

  “We’re kind of on the outs,” I replied, swirling the straw around and clinking the last bits of melting ice together.

  “What did he do?” Hudson asked, coming over and leaning on the bar.

  “I don’t really want to talk about it.” Uh, how did I tell my friends about my epic case of horniness? I didn’t, that was how. Awkward. “Maybe you guys were right.”

  “And maybe we were wrong,” Montana said. “Have you talked to him?”

  I shrugged. “He just… He holds back a lot. I know we haven’t known each other long, but it’s bothering me.”

  “He might be hiding something,” Hudson declared.

  “Hudson!” Montana exclaimed.

  He pulled a face. “Well, he might.”

  She rolled her eyes, then turned to face me. “Give it some time. Maybe he’s just taking a bit to open up.”

  How much opening up did he need to have sex with me? Ugh.

  I looked at Hudson, and he scowled.

  “What’s that look for?” Montana declared, glaring at him. “Ugh. Whatever.” To me, she said. “I’ve got to go. I’ve got an early start in the morning. Are you okay to get home?”

  “Yeah, it’s not too far to walk.”

  “Cool. I’ll see you soon.” She stood and gave me a hug, then fired a glare at Hudson, who just shrugged and went to serve a customer. “If you need to talk, you know where to find me, okay?”

  “Thanks.” I offered her a weak smile. Talking wasn’t my forte, but I’d been getting better at it thanks to all the time spent chitchatting with Lawson.

  I lingered for a few minutes, sipping the melted ice in my glass before I sighed. Slipping off the barstool, I waved to Hudson and made my way to the front of the bar.

  I was almost outside when an unwelcome figure stepped in front of me, blocking my path.

  Sera.

  I stopped dead in my tracks, her unexpected appearance throwing me off-balance.

  “Hey,” she said, staring me down. “I think we need to have a little chat.”

  “We don’t need to anything,” I said, turning away from her. “I don’t know what your problem is, but I want nothing to do with you.”

  Her hand wrapped around my forearm. “I think we do, Amber.”

  “Let me go.”

  “I saw you with him,” she said.

  “So? What’s your problem? I didn’t do anything to you.”

  “Well, that’s debatable. You did tell me I pissed on the carpet.”

  I snorted.

  “Look, I was wrong to come at you like I did,” she said, taking me by surprise. “I was jealous, okay? I feel bad about it.”

  I eyed her warily. “So? You want to apologise? Whatever. I don’t need it.”

  “Amber, I came to warn you.”

  I scowled and made to step around her, but she blocked my path.

  “Please. Just listen to what I have to say, then you can make up your own mind. I’ll even leave you alone if that’s what you want.”

  I looked her up and down, wondering if this was part of her ‘game on’ declaration. A manipulation to drive a wedge between Lawson and me. Well, she was wasting her time. Lawson had done a brilliant job of it all on his own.

  “You’ve got five minutes,” I said, sliding into the booth next to where we were standing.

  Sera smiled and sat across from me. The booth was shadowy, and the high seat backs blocked out a lot of the din, so it gave the illusion we were in a private little bubble. It was kind of good in that way. I gathered this was another of those conversations I didn’t want anyone else overhearing.

  “What’s this about?” I asked. “I’m not interested in any of your games. I won’t put up with any bullshit.”

  She raised her eyebrows. “It’s about Lawson.”

  “And?” I prodded.

  “I don’t want him to do to you what he did to me.”

  I tensed, waiting for her to elaborate.

  “I see you’re skeptical,” she said with a sigh. “I would be, too.”

  “I think you need to explain yourself because I don’t believe you have any noble intentions.”

  “It’s not a nice story.”

  “I can take it.”

  “Lawson and I go way back,” she began, outlining her story. “I was very different back then. I was on a bad path, partying almost every night. Drugs, sex, alcohol. You name it, I probably did it. I’m not proud of it, and I hurt a lot of people, but Law…” she trailed off and grimaced. “I thought he was different. It started out as a random hookup. We were both high, and one thing led to another and we… Well, you know what I mean. Things were great for a while, then he ditched me at my lowest point. He…” Sera dabbed at her eyes, wiping away tears. “He left me broken, Amber. If it wasn’t for my family, I would never have ended up in rehab. Who knows what would’ve happened to me? I’d probably be dead. Harsh but true.”

  I frowned, confusion bleeding into my psyche. She sounded sincere. Her tears and story, paired with Lawson’s reluctance to talk about his past, seemed plausible. What if Sera were right and he was playing me?

  “So why did you come back?”

  “One thing I’ve learned from therapy is the art of forgiveness,” she replied. “I came back to forgive him for what he did, but all I found waiting for me was the same man who destroyed everything good in my life.”

  “What did he do?” I asked, my anxiety beginning to rise.

  Sera sniffed and slipped her arm through the straps on her handbag. “I think he should tell you that. I’ve done enough.”

  “Please,” I said, grasping her wrist. “He won’t…”

  “He won’t talk about his past?” She snorted and shook her head. “See? He’s doing it to you, too.”

  I let her go and sat back in the booth, feeling like I’d just been shot through the heart.

  “Goodbye, Amber,” she said, sliding off the bench and lingering by the table. “I hope you make the right decision.”

  I rubbed my eyes and reached for the can of energy drink on my desk. O
pening it, I downed half and burped a little as the carbonated drink swirled in my stomach.

  Sleep had eluded me last night—big-time. I’d lain awake, staring at the ceiling, thinking over my standoff with Sera. I tried to work out what to do, but I wasn’t any closer than when I started.

  “You’ve been avoiding me.”

  The sound of Lawson’s voice triggered a painful spasm in my heart. He’s doing it to you, too.

  I looked up at him. “So have you.”

  “I thought you wanted some distance,” he said, leaning against the desk. “Was I supposed to demand your attention?”

  I closed my eyes, wondering why I was such a freak. Why did I do these things to myself?

  “You need to tell me stuff, Amber. As much as I want to, I can’t read your mind.”

  “Every time we’re together, it screws with me,” I blurted. “You touch me and…”

  “And what?”

  It was the same. Lawson wouldn’t talk about his past, he wouldn’t let things get too far, and he always kept this barrier between us. He hooked me just enough to keep me hanging on like I was nothing more than an option.

  “This was what I was afraid of,” I whispered.

  It was happening again. I was hooked by meaningless compliments, I got too invested, came on too strong, revealed my weaknesses, and then I was dropped when things got too hot. Another broken heart, another humiliation, and another resignation letter on my boss’s desk.

  “What?” Lawson demanded.

  I shook my head.

  “What, Amber? What were you afraid of?”

  He grasped my shoulders, and I knocked his hands away with a cry. “That you’d wind up being just like everyone else. That I’d let myself fall for you, and it wouldn’t be real. That all you wanted was to use me for sex, but you don’t even want that.”

  “The fuck?”

  “I have a problem, Lawson. I obsess over every little detail. I blow off-handed comments out of proportion. I look for meaning where there is none. I twist things to suit myself.”

  “What are you saying? That what we’re doing here means shit to you?”

  “I let people take advantage of me,” I said, my voice sounding robotic. “You were right about me, you know. About the self-loathing, the hollowness, my completely messed-up view of the world. I won’t let it happen again.”

  “So you won’t let anyone in at all?”

  “I was desperate to find the perfect life. To fall in love like a character in a movie. I destroyed everything searching for it. There’s a reason why I’ve had twenty million fucking jobs and twenty fucking lives. None of it was real.”

  “And this isn’t?” he asked, looking aghast. “You think I don’t care about you.” It was a statement, not a question.

  “This isn’t a movie,” I whispered.

  “No, it’s real life,” he snarled. “It’s real fucking life, and it isn’t all about you. You’re not the only one with a fucked-up past, Amber. Get over yourself.”

  “A past you don’t talk about.”

  It was his turn to freeze. A look of panic flashed in his eyes, then it was gone as soon as it had appeared. Maybe Sera was right.

  “Maybe you’re right,” he said after a tense pause. “Maybe I am just like everyone else. What are you going to do about it?”

  I was numb. Trapped, frozen, teetering on the edge of a cliff.

  It took everything I had to hold onto my sobs. I swallowed hard, my throat burning. If I opened my mouth, it would be over. I’d break and never be able to put myself back together again.

  Snatching up my bag, I flung the strap over my head and fled, stomping blindly down the stairs. I crossed the gym with blinders on, the world a blur. Lawson didn’t follow.

  Outside, my gaze darted back and forth until it settled on Indigo. Hudson was out the front setting up the tables on the footpath. He positioned a bench and then went back inside. A moment later, he emerged with a large umbrella, spearing it through one of the tables.

  Swallowing a sob, I darted through the line of parked cars and between the traffic stopped at the lights. I’d fucked up. I’d fucked up bad this time. I was going to lose everything. My friends, my job, my life. I would have to start over again to escape the humiliation. Unless I took accountability.

  Fuck, accountability was hard. No wonder I’d run from it my entire life.

  I stepped up onto the footpath and came to a halt beside Hudson. He looked up at my sudden appearance and smiled.

  “Amber?” When he saw the look on my face, he frowned, then pulled me into the bar and off the street. “What’s wrong?”

  “I… I didn’t want to go home. I… I didn’t know where else to go.”

  “Here.” He wrapped his arms around me and held me against his chest. “What happened?”

  “I don’t know what to do,” I said, my voice muffled by his shirt.

  “Do I need to punch someone for you?”

  The thought of Hudson in a fistfight with Lawson was too much to handle, so I shook my head. “No.”

  “It was Lawson, wasn’t it? He broke your fucking heart.”

  “I thought it was different this time,” I murmured.

  “This is the risk we take,” he replied, soothing my back with his palms. “The good with the bad. Isn’t it better to try than to not try at all?”

  “I guess. It stings like a bitch, though.”

  “Amber, I—”

  “Amber!”

  I pulled away from Hudson at the sound of Lawson’s voice. He’d followed me? My heart leaped into my throat. It was playing out just like a moment in a movie. Exactly like it did in my twisted fantasies.

  “I think you’ve done enough, mate,” Hudson said, edging between us.

  “Amber, we need to talk about this,” Lawson said, ignoring him.

  This wasn’t a movie, it was real life, and in real life, people took accountability.

  Accountability. The word stung, but I knew I needed to face my humiliation if I wanted to move forward with my life and with Lawson. I couldn’t run anymore. I had to grow the fuck up.

  “Amber, please,” Lawson said, his eyes full of something I didn’t understand. Was it pain? Longing? I didn’t know.

  All I knew was I had to give this thing a chance. Someone was telling the truth, but who? Was Sera’s version the right one or was Lawson’s? The things he’d said to me…he couldn’t fake those, could he?

  “Okay,” I said.

  “You can’t be serious,” Hudson exclaimed. “Amber.”

  “I’ll be okay, Hudson,” I murmured. “I need to see this through. I can’t run away from my problems anymore.”

  He looked disappointed in me, and I wasn’t sure why. I thought I was doing the right thing.

  “Fine,” he said after a moment. He glared at Lawson. “If you hurt her…”

  Lawson nodded, then held out his hand toward me.

  I swallowed hard and curled my fingers around his. The moment our skin touched, the familiar sparks zapped along my skin, and his gravity pulled me into his orbit. Could it really be that one-sided between us?

  Lawson drew me away from the door and into a quiet corner of Indigo, though I was overly conscious of the daggers Hudson shot in his direction.

  “It was Sera, wasn’t it?” Lawson asked.

  “How did you know?”

  “After you left the other night, she was waiting. She had a go at me and threatened you. I should’ve warned you, but I thought I could handle her.”

  I began to tremble, realising I might’ve been had.

  “This is what she wants,” Lawson continued. “Sera’s one goal is to destroy everything good in my life. Everything I care about is fair game. We can’t let her break us, Amber. I won’t let you go. Not when I know…”

  “Know what?”

  “Know you could be the one.”

  I noted he said ‘could be,’ but that was fair enough. The last hurdle was the biggest one, and even I di
dn’t know if I was ready to leap that high. The bit I had the problem with was the commitment to trying.

  “I…”

  “She planted a seed of doubt in your mind,” he said. “Sera knows how to manipulate people. She’s a fucking master at it.”

  “And I fell for it,” I whispered, mortified. “Lawson, I…”

  He cupped my face and stroked his thumbs over my cheeks. “I need to explain a few things to you. Is there somewhere we can go?”

  “My place,” I replied. “It isn’t far.”

  “Lead the way.” He took a step toward the door.

  “Lawson?”

  He turned, his brow creasing.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t apologise just yet,” he replied, taking my hand. “Not until you hear my side of the story.”

  15

  Amber

  I lived a few blocks away from Chapel Street where the suburb changed from Prahran to Armadale.

  It was a pricey neighbourhood, surrounded by million-dollar homes and unit block developments. The little shoebox I rented sat down a side street, hidden from the world unless someone had the foresight to look down the nondescript laneway. I figured someone had subdivided their lot and sold off the land to an investor sometime in the eighties. The carpet and bathroom fixtures hadn’t seemed to be updated since then, anyway. I sure wasn’t paying through the nose for the decor.

  I unlocked the front door, glad I was on the top floor and at the end of the three-story block and not stuck someplace in the middle. The stairs sure were a killer, but they were getting easier the more I trained at the Phoenix.

  “You live alone?” Lawson asked as he stepped inside.

  “Yeah.” I closed the door behind us and made sure the deadbolt was in place. “It’s not much, but it’s a place to sleep.”

  Awkwardly, I didn’t own a couch or a television, so there was nothing in my three-by-four lounge room. I went into the bedroom and dumped my keys and bag, suddenly overly aware of the lack of stuff in my life. It was another clue to my nomadic life.