Wandering Soul

by Steven Anderson

  I put my hand on the panel by the cabin door and said out loud, “I am not afraid.”

  The door slid open and a German Shepherd dog was sitting in the passageway staring back at me. He was a big one, at least forty kilos, and I stumbled over my own feet backing away from him while I frantically tried to find the panel again to close the door. I tripped, and landed hard on my back knocking the wind out of me. I heard the door closing as I fell. I was still struggling to breathe when I opened my eyes. He was right there looking down at me. The dog was inside my cabin and I whimpered as he nuzzled against my neck with his nose.

  “Star?” I managed to gasp. There was no answer. “Star, can you hear me?” Star couldn’t hear me. No one could hear me.

  The dog’s face was a few centimeters away from mine, concern in his brown eyes. I could feel his concern as he tried to calm me. It was the same as feeling my parent’s emotions, but stronger, more intimate, and more overpowering. I propped myself up on my elbows, trying to scoot away from him, and he laid down next to me, resting his head across my stomach.

  Don’t touch them, my dad had warned. Don’t be alone with them. Weren’t those the rules that I had promised to obey? Now all I needed was for Sam to join us there on the floor and my life would be ended.

  I watched my hand reach up to scratch him behind his left ear before I realized what it was doing and could tell it to stop. His tongue lolled out as though enjoying my touch. No, he was enjoying my touch, I could feel it. My view of the cabin seemed to grow fuzzy and dark, and I could feel the soul of the small Tarakana colony humming under my fingers as I moved them through his fur.

  After a moment, words began to form in my head. “Mala Dusa, Little Soul, you have been absent for so long. Do you remember how we used to play together?”

  “I thought I had dreamed it,” I replied. It was sharp and clear in my memory now. “You looked like a little elephant then, and we would march through the passageways together while Star sang to us.”

  “You remember.”

  “Oh, yes.” I hugged him, burying my face in his fur, no longer afraid. Somewhere in the back of my head was the remnant of the terror that I should be feeling, but it was very far away.

  “You look so much like your father. Your thoughts are straight lines and distant horizons to me.”

  I laughed. “I look like my mom.”

  “Your outer shell is like hers, but nothing else. You are calm air, she was endless turbulence. It is restful to have you inside me.”

  “There are only seven of you?”

  “There is one, with seven pieces. Do you see me?”

  “Yes, I do now.” In addition to the one with me in my cabin there was a Tarakana in each of the engine rooms, one in the mess hall, and one in Sam’s cabin. I could see what each of them was seeing, like having eyes all over the ship.

  I could see Sam in the mess hall, standing up, leaving his food untouched. “Sam is on his way here, isn’t he?”

  “Yes. He is worried that you haven’t come to dinner and Star has told him that you are not answering.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “What I always do. It’s what you want me to do. I can feel it in you, the desire for him to look at you the way your father looked at your mother and then to make yourself one with him. I did it for your parents. It’s how you were created.”

  I don’t know what the Tarakana do to suppress fear in humans, but it stopped working on me right then. I was afraid again and I was angry.

  “My mother and my father loved each other! It was real love, not something you stuffed into their heads.” I pushed him away from me and stood up, looking around the cabin for something heavy to swing at his head.

  “Little Soul, go gently. They loved each other, yes, even before they touched each other’s minds, their desire was growing. We can do nothing but make what is already there stronger. For centuries we have done so. We need to feel the strength of your emotions as much as you do. If waiting for the boy will make your feelings stronger, then I will stop for now.”

  I stood there panting and put my chair back down. I could feel the fear and anger already fading away as I looked into his eyes, a kind of mist rolling through my thoughts. “Of course. I know you’ll never hurt me. It’s what you promised me, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, I did. Long ago, when first we were friends.”

  My door chime sounded and the Tarakana slipped under the desk and disappeared.

  “You are brave, Mala Dusa. You are not afraid.”

  “I am not afraid,” I repeated, and opened the door.

  Sam was standing there, concern in his eyes. I was thankful that I could only see it and not feel the emotion in him.

  “Mala Dusa, are you OK? When Star said you weren’t answering, I got worried.” He touched my cheek to push away the hair that was falling across my face. I wanted to jump away from his touch and I also wanted to lean into it, so I stood still, not doing either one. The need to be comforted was almost too much for me.

  After a moment I took a step back from him. “I must have fallen asleep again.” I re-tied my hair and straightened my shoulders. “I’m ready for dinner as long as you don’t mind me looking like I just woke up.”

  “You look great.”

  While we ate, I told Sam about watching the recording of my parents’ wedding. I hoped he would assume that it was the only reason for my red eyes and emotional distress.

  “It’s strange that it stuttered like that at the end, but only on your second time through it.”

  “Maybe it was because I paused it so many times,” I suggested.

  “Maybe. You should mention it to the engineering team.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t think it matters. With all the problems Star has, and this close to her end? I think they’re just focused on keeping the critical systems working long enough to get us to Bodens Gate.”

  “Still, you fixed one of the engines.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I followed Sandy and Tobias’ instructions. But at least it didn’t blow up when we went through the Deep Space Hole.”

  “Was that a possibility?”

  “Probably not.”

  “Probably?”

  I smiled. “Have you known many engineers? They never say yes or no.”

  “But you’re also our chaplain, at least for a few days. Isn’t that all about absolutes?”

  “Yes.” I smiled, enjoying keeping him off balance.

  “I was thinking about going for a walk in the outer ring corridor after dinner. Would you like to go with me?”

  “Probably.”

  “So I’d be walking with the engineer?”

  “Yes.”

  “And the chaplain,” he nodded. “With you I get both, don’t I?”

  “With you, all I get is a biologist?”

  He looked away. “Sure. I’m not as complicated as you.”

  “I’m not as complicated as you think, and I suspect there’s more to you than your biology.” I realized too late how that sounded and turned away, blushing. Knowing that the Tarakana wouldn’t be messing with our emotions had made me bold, but if I kept up like this, we wouldn’t need their help.

  “Can we go exploring instead of walking one of the trails?” I asked. “I saw a lot of Star’s insides this morning, but I’d like to see where the RuComm team works.”

  “OK. It’s not too exciting unless you like machinery and equipment… which, of course, you do.”

  I smiled back at him. “See how simple I am?”

  It was interesting walking through the labs and work areas, imagining the great things that had been accomplished there.

  “This ship, she did a lot to bring the Union back together. It doesn’t seem right to just take her apart.”

  Sam shrugged. “The new ships are better. T
he mission will go on. RuComm’s more focused on finding and developing new worlds now and the Star-class ships are too small and too old.” He smiled at me. “You’re a romantic.”

  When we reached the simulation lab, I stopped and ran my hand over the control panel. “My parents and my stepmom worked here in this lab sixteen years ago.”

  Sam looked around. “I don’t think anything has been updated since then. Maybe not even cleaned. I’m really looking forward to being on Buena Vista. All the latest equipment, more room, more amenities.”

  “I suppose so.”

  The last stop on our tour was the observation chamber. Wandering Star didn’t really have any windows in her hull, but she replicated it pretty well with large display panels stretching up from the deck and curving over our heads showing a real-time view of what was outside. The ship was slowly rotating, if Star was to be believed.

  “It’s beautiful,” I whispered. Any sound above a whisper seemed inappropriate.

  “It’s prettier when we’re on orbit, but this,” he gestured at the black emptiness and distant stars around us, “it’s amazing.”

  “Star,” I asked, “how close is the nearest inhabited planet?”

  “We are about twelve point two light years from Meeker, Ms. Holloman.”

  “Are there any other ships that are closer than that to us?”

  “None at this time.”

  I turned toward Sam. “And so we drift between the worlds, all alone. Just fifteen souls on board, not counting–” I cut myself off, biting my lower lip.

  “Not counting who? I think there’s only the fifteen of us.”

  “Not counting Star,” I improvised.

  Sam laughed. “You think she has a soul?”

  “I’m sure of it.”

  He shook his head at me. “I have known a few engineers, and all of them believe the machines they work with are alive. You’ll fit right in.”

  “Thanks.”

  I turned to leave, but Sam didn’t move. He was staring at me again, starlight reflecting in his eyes. In the dark and the quiet I was sure that he could hear my heart beating. “Are you ready to go?” I asked him.

  “Sure.” He touched the panel by the door and the bright light from the passageway spilling in on us changed the observation chamber back into just another room. I stepped past him.

  I’m going to end up having to hurt you, aren’t I? I thought to myself. Even after what Winona told you. I don’t want to hurt you, but it’s just inevitable.

  He walked me back to my cabin and I opened the door. Sam stood there expectantly. I sighed. “Goodnight, Star.”

  “Goodnight, Mala Dusa,” she answered, warm and protective. Then to Sam, cold and professional, “Have a pleasant evening, Mr. Coleridge.”

  It had the effect I had hoped for. Sam blinked a couple of times, remembering that Star was watching him and that he had signed a contract that prohibited him from doing what he was thinking about doing.

  He smiled shyly. “Goodnight, Mala Dusa. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Goodnight, Sam. Thanks for the tour, I really enjoyed it.”

  When the cabin door closed behind me, I leaned back against it with my eyes closed. I was imagining the feel of Winona’s finger tapping my forehead while I heard her voice in my head. Idiot! I had been on board for only a couple of days and spent, what? I counted it up, maybe four or five hours with Sam? I scrunched my eyes tighter. Please, God, don’t let me be an idiot.

  The fact that the Tarakana dog was sitting beside my bed watching me when I opened my eyes didn’t surprise me.

  “What should I call you?” I asked, resigning myself to him being with me forever.

  “Your father called me Merrimac, or just Mac. I first took this shape because of a dog he had loved when he was growing up. I have used the dog shape frequently since then because it’s so handsome.”

  I smiled. “And it will draw less attention than the shape my dad says you used on Cleavus.”

  “The old colony. I was so beautiful there.” His shape shifted so quickly that I missed it. “Don’t you agree?”

  I could feel how proud he was of himself to be standing on six legs with a pair of tentacles mounted on his head, rotating the flattened tips of them at me. “Yes, it’s very attractive.” He made a hooting sound and shifted back into a dog while I watched, a process that was even more disturbing than I would have imagined.

  “Mala Dusa, you cannot lie to me in here. But I’m almost as beautiful shaped as a dog, and it is the shape I used while establishing the colony in the Warrens, so I’ll keep it for now.”

  “Thank you.” I sat down at my desk, never taking my eyes off of him. “Why are you here, Merrimac?”

  He came over by my chair and laid down across my shoes. Warmth spread through my feet and up my legs, and I could see his thoughts, the seven pieces all thinking as one, thousands of twisted passageways being followed all of the time. There were thoughts there that I could not comprehend, that no human could ever comprehend. It made me feel like I was falling, it was so strange and wondrous and cold.

  “Now do you know why I’m here?”

  “No, I don’t understand.”

  Something wrapped around my leg, reaching under the pants leg, something that was not part of a dog, wrapping around and around against my bare skin almost to the knee. I gasped and my eyes closed.

  “Now do you see?”

  “Yes, I understand what you need me to do.” It had hit me all at once, so hard that I felt like I wasn’t even there any longer. I continued talking, my voice sounding far away. “I can’t let you be trapped here when Wandering Star is killed at Bodens Gate, and I can’t let Hannah have you. That wouldn’t be right. You need to move on with us, outward to the next planet and the next. You need places where you can hide alongside us. The core worlds of the Union are becoming too crowded to hide you anymore, but we still need you as much as you need us, to give us passion and inspiration. It is so obvious what I need to do.”

  “You should sleep for a while now. It’s been a long day for you.”

  “Yes, it has. I think I’ll have a nap here before I go to bed, if that’s all right.”

  “Sleep, Mala Dusa. I will keep watch over you.”

  “Thank you, Mac. You’re such a good friend.” I tipped back in the chair, my eyes still closed. The warmth covering my feet and moving through my legs felt so comforting. I drifted into sleep, feeling happy that I was going to make everything all right.

  I woke up in darkness, lying on my bunk fully clothed except for my shoes.

  “Star, what time is it?”

  “Ship’s time is 0238.”

  I glanced at my watch, which read 0124. “Are you sure?”

  “I have been adjusting ship’s time to match Eindhoven on Bodens Gate. I can keep your watch synchronized too if you like.”

  “Yes, please.”

  I turned on the light above my bunk. “Merrimac?” There was no answer when I softly called his name, and I couldn’t feel him in the cabin with me, but that didn’t really prove anything. I tried to remember what had happened. I must have dreamed some of it, it was so fragmented in my memory.

  I got up and brushed my teeth, still half asleep, and then started to get undressed. I was just about to pull off my t-shirt when something shimmered under the desk. Looking closely reveled nothing but shadow. I don’t normally wear anything when I sleep, but that night the t-shirt stayed on. My mom may have been willing to tromp through the desert on Cleavus with Merrimac while she was wearing nothing but boots and a hat, but not me. I slid into bed and pulled the covers up to my chin.

  At 0400 all of the lights in my cabin came on and started strobing, red, blue, red, blue and an alarm sounded, the kind of alarm that rattles around in your head and makes you want to run somewhere as fast as you can. My pa
rents had warned me that this would happen. Random, sadistic, middle of the night safety drills were part of RuComm culture on board ship. They had warned me that when the alarm sounded that I needed to get into my pressure suit, get to the designated rally point, and don’t be the last one there. I looked around the cabin, feeling panic starting to fill me.

  “Star! Where’s my pressure suit?”

  “In the back of your closet, Ms. Holloman. You need to move faster.”

  I opened my closet and knocked most of my clothes onto the floor trying to find it. There were a lot of parts. I tossed them out onto the floor; top, pants, gloves, boots, helmet. I took a deep breath and told myself that I would not cry.

  “Where do I start?”

  “Lie down and pull the pants on, then slide the top on and connect the two by pressing the green tab in the center.”

  Next came the boots and the gloves and then I wiggled my head into the helmet, trying to move quickly and deliberately and feeling like I was slow and awkward.

  “OK, Star, where’s the rally point?”

  “Mess hall, Ms. Holloman. I suggest you run.”

  I can run fast and I was at full speed when I rounded the corner into the mess hall and collided with Captain Kelang. He was about thirty centimeters taller than me and forty kilos heavier. I bounced and he caught me before I could fall.

  “Ms. Holloman,” he said, steadying me, “while I appreciate your enthusiasm, if this were an actual emergency, you’d be dead by now.” He reached down and gently closed the visor on my helmet. “A pressure suit won’t hold pressure with this open.”

  The technical team was staring at me, most of them smirking. Sam wasn’t, so that was some comfort.

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Go stand with the others.”

  Sam gave me a reassuring smile when I fell in line next to him. The Captain talked to us for almost an hour, covering basic ship’s policies intended to keep us safe and describing in detail every accident in RuComm history, and then Earth’s naval history before that. Toward the end I think he was talking about an incident that happened during the Peloponnesian war that led to all of Athens’ naval commanders being executed, but my mind had started to wander and I wasn’t really listening anymore.