One year later, the following winter, I got pregnant with Ashley Nichole. This time it was planned, and I was able to continue going to school the whole term. She was born in July. Afterwards, I decided there was at least some error to our planning, and never again did I want to carry a child during the summer. That year it got to over a hundred degrees before we even hit the hot months of July and August. Aside from being uncomfortable anyway, the heat zapped me of all my energy and I went from uncomfortable to miserable. And then there is the sweating in places where you just don’t want to sweat, but we won’t talk about that.
Oh, the beauty of air conditioning. I took every opportunity I could to sit and cool off. It wasn’t like I could sit over the vent for nine months, but I thought about it.
Well, as it turned out I didn’t need to worry about getting pregnant during the summer again or any other time for that matter. While at a follow up visit to the doctor, they noticed I had an unusually high white blood count. Further tests confirmed I had cancer of the uterus. I was scared. It felt like a death sentence, even though the doctor felt we had caught it in time.
Thoughts of losing my femininity, and not being able to have the family I had always dreamed of, were heartbreaking. I felt like I was becoming less of a woman, and in all honesty, there was a real fear in my heart my husband would want to discard me. All of that seems ironic now, considering how things worked out.
The surgery, the treatments, I don’t even want to talk about them. It was hard not to let it get me down. The smell of death seems to permeate the air when the word cancer is mentioned. It hung over me like a cloud, but if I was going to beat it I had to sweep that cloud away. I had no choice. I had to build myself up for it. After all, I had a little baby girl I was just getting to know. I wasn’t giving up without a fight. In fact, in some ways, cancer was one of the best things that ever happened to me. It forced me to find courage I never knew I had.
For the most part, Henry seemed to be handling things okay. He took care of Ashley while I was cooped up in that hospital. He brought her down to see me when they would let him. I could see it was starting to wear on him though. His eyes looked dark and hollow, his mood was agitated. He never wanted to stay very long at all. Still, I don’t think I ever could have guessed how much things were changing for us.
One day he walked in and said he just couldn’t come back to the hospital.
“I’m sorry, Abby. I can’t take this stuff. I’m not comfortable coming in here. I mean, I know that sounds selfish, considering what you are going through, but it’s just getting to me. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I’m getting to the point I can’t even be sure I’m taking good care of Ashley. I’m not as tough as you Abby. I can’t take it.”
Talk about being blindsided. I could have been angered, hurt, even disappointed, but I wasn’t any of that. I was too shocked to feel anything at all. It was like an arrow, shot from a distance, quietly slipping up on me, unknowingly stealing the very breath from my lungs. And in that flash, that second of pure realization, I recognized something I had never understood before. Henry didn’t love me.
Memories passed through my mind. Time spun, measured by a sequence of events, and a surprising pattern started to take shape. He may have felt obligated, emotionally connected, endeared, or even warm towards what we had, but he had never really loved me.
“Love endures all things…” I whispered the words. I’d heard Daddy say them a million times.
“What’d you say?”
“It was something Daddy always quoted from the bible.”
I looked up at him.
“Henry, do you love me?”
“Why would you ask something like that?”
I shook my head.
“I don’t know. Just something that went through my mind. You do, don’t you?”
He looked awkward and confused. The look on his face told me all I needed to know. It was almost as if he didn’t want to lie, but he didn’t want to tell me the truth either. Then he smiled, and his face softened. He moved a few steps closer.
“Now, Abby, I don’t know where you’re coming from here. This is kind of crazy talk, isn’t it? Of course, I love you. I’d just like to take Ashley to Momma’s house for a little while. It would give me a little break; let me get some rest. That’s all.”
He looked like a little boy who had disappointed his mother. I patted the side of the bed.
“Henry, sit down.”
He cautiously moved over to my side, and sat down on the bed next to me.
“Henry, if you could do it all again, would you? Am I the one you would pick to spend your life with?”
“Abby, I don’t understand what’s gotten into you. Why are you talking like this all of a sudden?”
“Just humor me, please. Tell me the truth, do you love me? Am I the one woman in all the world you want to spend your life with?”
“Well, sure I love you, Abby.”
The words were there, but the feeling seemed weak.
“Are you sure? Do you really know?”
I’m sure he felt I was merely trying to badger him, but I was facing the greatest obstacle I had ever faced, and I wanted to know if he was really on my side.
He squirmed uncomfortably.
“I can’t see how this is helping anything.”
“Henry, I’ve had my heart set on you since we were in the fifth grade. I never even considered anyone else. I never let anyone else close enough to find out. I know this sounds strange, but I suddenly realized that, in the history of us, I was the one pursuing you. Whenever we had a problem, I was the one who took the first steps to fix it. Whenever the subject of marriage came up, I was the one that started the conversation. You know, now that I think about it, you didn’t even ask me to marry you. I started talking about it and pretty soon we were talking about dates. And it makes me wonder whether you married me because you loved me or because you felt obligated to me?”
He looked blank.
“Why would you think something like that?”
“If this were you here in this hospital, I would want to spend every second here at your side. I would put everything I had into helping you beat this thing. Love endures all things. Love can’t walk away for a rest, take some time to clear its head, or take a break. Love doesn’t get the creeps from walking into a hospital. Love endures, even when it isn’t comfortable, still it endures.”
“Okay, I’ll stay. Maybe Momma will come down and take care of Ashley for me.”
I patted his hand. I was feeling surprisingly comfortable with what I was telling him.
“I’m not trying to make you feel guilty for not wanting to be here. I’m just trying to get you to think about the reasons why you don’t want to be here. Take Ashley to your mother’s house. Take your break, but think about us while you do. I’m not so sure you’ll want to come back.”
He sat silently in thought for a few moments before he stood up, bent over and kissed my forehead.
“I’ll see you later, Abby.”
Tears started to cloud my eyes. He’d told me all I needed to know.
Love endures all things. My love for him had endured tremendous trials through the years. I saw that now, and it made me question why I was so committed to this man who had so much trouble showing love towards me. That’s when I realized I had been messed up for a long, long time. I’d been infatuated with a guy who couldn’t tell me how he really felt. I’d chased him, and molded my life around him, and even had children with him, but I couldn’t be sure he loved me.
If he did, why was it so easy for him to hurt me through the years? He did it without even trying. The stakes were higher now. We had a daughter to raise. I had a disease to beat, and even if my foolishness had allowed me to chase and pine after this man until I had him, was I foolish enough to try to make a life around something that might not even exist?
After he left, I called the only one I felt comfortable talking to, J.B. I could have called Momma,
but I knew she would have come right down to that hospital and stayed. I didn’t want her to do that. She couldn’t afford it for one thing, and I didn’t want to worry her any more than I had for the last twenty-five years.
As always, J.B. listened to me share my fears, and he offered his usual pieces of advice and encouragement.
“You know, those aren’t the kinds of things you need to be thinking about right now Abby. You need to concentrate on getting well. That little girl’s gonna need her momma to raise her, and you’re gonna need to use all your strength to make that happen.”
“I know. I just can’t get this out of my head.”
“Well, you listen to me. You’re gonna have to get it out of your head. You let Henry worry about himself. If he’s not pulling his weight in this relationship, you’re better off without him.”
Those were pretty strong words coming from his brother.
“But shouldn’t I try to work it out?”
“Yeah. Sure, if the time comes, but right now you don’t need to be worrying about that. He should know better than to pull a stunt like this right now, anyway. It don’t serve any purpose but to get you all mixed up on your priorities. If you ask me, he’s a big baby. Wanting to take time off! Hell, when does he think you get to take time off?”
He was starting to get aggravated.
“Settle down, J.B. Maybe I’m making more out of this than there is.”
His voice was animated on the other end of the phone.
“Well, if he don’t show up back there pretty soon, you call me. I’ll come down there and straighten him out.”
I laughed.
“You could too. You’re a bully and you know it.”
In my mind I could see him smile as he realized he was having trouble following his own advice. He chuckled on the other end of the phone.
“Well, I’m no bully, but I don’t mind putting in place that which has strayed from its proper order.”
A week passed and I didn’t hear from Henry. J.B. called every couple of days to check up on me. When Saturday came, I was surprised when he walked through the door of my hospital room. Although he was cleaned up and smooth-shaven, he still had that same rugged look he’d always carried. He had always been my hero, and there he was standing in my room. Wranglers and cowboy boots, his gray Stetson pushed back on his head, he showed no apprehension at all toward being there.
“What the heck is happening down here, Abby? Where’s Henry?”
Once again, I went back over the events that took place, and explained our conversation.
“And I haven’t seen him all week, J.B.”
“I’m sorry, Abby. I really hoped he’d get his head cleared and get on the stick. I always had my doubts, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t hope.”
“So, you didn’t think he would come back?”
He sat down beside the bed.
“Abby, one thing Henry has never been is what you might call committed. He blows with the wind. I ain’t going to speculate on whether he loves you or not, or even if this has anything to do with that. Maybe it’s just like he said. Maybe he needed to get away from here. I don’t understand how a man can do that with his wife in need, but I’ve never been real good at explaining why Henry does any of the things he does.”
“But one thing I can say with complete certainty is he has never been as committed to you as you deserve. Heck, he ain’t ever committed himself to anything but trying to be the most popular person out there. If you ask me, I’d say he isn’t even committed to that job of his; his only concern is looking good to other folks. His heart isn’t in it. He has no loyalty. He’s my brother, Abby, but I’d never count him as someone I’d depend upon. That just ain’t Henry.”
I’m sure he could see the confusion on my face. I’d never heard him speak like this. “Why didn’t you ever tell me you felt this way?”
He looked like a kid caught in a lie. We had known each other so long, and I trusted him as much as I had ever trusted anyone. It took a few seconds for him to gather his thoughts.
“Abby, we’ve known each other a long time. I always tried to stand by you, but there are sometimes when a man knows he’s fighting a losing battle before the fight ever starts. You had your eyes and your heart set on Henry for most of your life. If I had told you he wasn’t the guy for you, would you have listened? How many times did he hurt you over the years? If you weren’t going to listen to your own heart, what makes you think you would have listened to me?”
“But couldn’t you have at least tried?”
“Who says I didn’t? I told you in subtle ways, but I wasn’t about to interfere. Abby, our relationship is too special to me. I wasn’t going to mess that up by getting between you and what you thought was your destiny, and that’s what would have happened. He was your dream, and I wasn’t about to stand in the way of your dream. It hurt me plenty not to say it. It hurts me now, but I knew that was the way it had to be. A person has to figure some things out for themselves.”
I hated to admit it, but I knew he was probably right. I wouldn’t have listened to him. I’d made up my mind a long time ago, and now it looked like I was paying for that foolishness.
“I’m sorry.”
He shook his head.
“Abby, you don’t have to apologize to me. I understand. He may be my brother, but I’ve always considered him a fool; a lucky fool, to get a girl like you, but a fool nonetheless. None of this would have happened, if he’d been half the man he should have been.”
My eyes started to tear up. I was in a real mess, and it seemed life was getting more complicated every day.
“I’ve got to get myself better and get out of here. If he comes back, then I guess I’ll deal with that when it comes.”
His voice was soft and tender.
“And if he doesn’t? What are you going to do then?”
He brushed my hair back away from my face, and handed me a tissue.
“I don’t know.” I said, as I wiped my eyes. “I’ll probably go back home and stay with Momma for a while. It’s too soon to tell.”
I looked up into his face. There was such emotion. Why were they so different, Henry and his brother? J.B. was as tough as nails, and yet he could be as gentle and loving as a kitten. His smile could light up the room, and he was as ornery as a schoolboy. Henry on the other hand, always seemed to guard his emotions. He didn’t just protect them; he hid them. You never really knew what was going on inside of him.
J.B sat back in the chair beside me. His green eyes were tired. It had been a long day for him. It was a nine-hour drive from home, and knowing J.B. he probably hadn’t slept a wink before he started out.
“You better go find a motel and get some sleep.”
“And leave you here alone? I can’t do that. You need someone here to help take care of you.”
He paused.
“Abby, how come you haven’t told your momma about this?”
“I don’t want to worry her.”
“Well, you know, once she finds out, she’s either going to come down here herself, or demand you come back home where she can look after you.”
“I can’t do that J.B. I need to stay here. This is the best place for me to get treatment right now. And that’s why I need you to convince Momma to keep Ashley at home. The hospital will take care of me. That’s what it’s here for, isn’t it?”
He looked at me unconvinced.
“You know she’ll never hear of it. I don’t care what kind of reason I give her, she’s still going to come down here to be with her baby.”
“Then don’t tell her where I’m at.”
He was shocked that I’d even suggest it.
“I am not going to lie to your momma. I’ll give you my word I’ll do my best to convince her to respect your wishes, but I will not withhold the truth from her. I respect that woman way too much to do something like that.”
“You mean you’re too scared of her to do something like that.” I sa
id with a smile.
“Scared, respect, it’s all the same when it comes to her.”
“Did you call your momma to check on Ashley?”
“Yeah, she’s fine. Henry took her there the day he came here.”
“Has he been back there?”
He dropped his head.
“No, they haven’t seen him. And he hasn’t answered the phone when they called.”
“Maybe he’s been busy with work.”
I said it more out of a need to convince myself than anything else. But J.B. knew more. I could see it in his eyes.
“I went by his office. They said he had been out sick all week. When I went by the house he wasn’t home. The neighbors said they hadn’t seen him.”
“I see.”
“That don’t mean anything, Abby. Don’t go getting worked up again. He could have just went off someplace to be by himself. Maybe he’s off thinking things out somewhere. You keep your mind on beating this thing.”
Despite the concerns that were going through my mind, I was growing tired. He must have known.
“You lay back and get some sleep. I’ll stay as long as I can.”
When I woke up he was asleep in the chair next to me. He looked so sweet. I reached out and touched his face, and he stirred.
“Guess I kind of dozed off.” He said, stretching his arms.
“You should have gotten a motel. You’re going to be too tired to drive back.”
“I’ll be fine. How you feeling?”
I shrugged my shoulders.
“I have my good days and my bad days. The worst part is right after the treatments. They make me real sick. I’m glad you weren’t here for that.”
We spoke through the rest of the evening. I was in a drowsy state most of the day, partially from the medication, but also because it comforted me to have him there. I was able to be more relaxed. His voice was so calming; he’d always had the ability to put me at ease with just a few words.
“You want some of this food they brought you?”
I made a face at him.
“No, food doesn’t sound good right now. I bet you’re hungry though. Why don’t you eat it?”
“Hospital food doesn’t seem to tempt the taste buds, if you know what I mean.”
I nodded.
“I know exactly what you mean.”
“If you don’t mind, I think I’ll go stretch my legs a little. Is there anything I can get you?”
“No.”
He started to leave the room.
“J.B., you don’t have to stay. I know you have a long drive ahead of you.”
“Now that’s where you’re wrong. I do have to stay, to be with you. I’ll leave soon enough, don’t go trying to shoo me off the porch.”
His words reminded me of that night we had sat on the swing together. It was a pleasant thought, and I drifted back off to sleep with a smile on my face.
Sometime in the night I woke up. I looked over toward the chair, and there he was, asleep. He had to be terribly uncomfortable. His neck was twisted to one side, his arms were folded across his chest, and his legs were propped up on the trashcan. He was an incredible person. He was my J.B., and he always would be.
The next morning, as he prepared to leave for home, I found myself wishing he could stay. I really hadn’t felt that lonely, until I realized how nice it was having him there. But he had to go. Work was waiting for him, and it was a long drive back.
“I hate to leave you like this, Abby. It don’t seem right. Maybe I could call and see if I could take some time off.”
“You get Ashley home to momma. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be all right. I’ll say my prayers like Daddy taught me and put it all in the Lord’s hands.”
He leaned over and kissed my forehead.
“I’ll be thinking of you, Abby.”
“That means a lot to me.”
As he turned to leave, I remembered something else.
“ J.B., thanks for being my special someone.”
“No need to thank me, when it comes to you that seems to come natural. I’ll be back down as soon as I can.”
“I know you will. Thanks.”
As scared as I was of the situation that faced me, of being in that hospital alone, I knew what I was doing was the right thing for Ashley and for me too. What I said was true; I would get better treatment here in this big city where they dealt with things like this all the time. I loved my old doctor back home, and if it was something less complicated we were speaking of, I’d not hesitate to head back to his care. But cancer is different, and if I was going to do my best to make sure I was there for my daughter, I had to get the best chance at beating it, and that was right there in Dallas.
Cancer treatment has changed a lot, even in those few short years. These days’ people are in and out of the hospital. I was a big girl and I could handle it, but I hadn’t counted on how the length of my stay would affect me. Being cooped up in between those sterile walls was enough to drive a person crazy. Being sick from the treatments with no one there to console me that was hard too. And then there was the absence of moral support, but I had a phone, and J.B. was only a few rings away.
My thoughts were forever on Ashley. What was she doing? How was she adapting to life without me? Would she know me when I got out of there? She was so young, so impressionable. This was happening at a time when her development was most important.
Actually I was surprised when Momma didn’t show up at the hospital. She weaseled the truth out of J.B., but then, I knew she would eventually. When she did call, she voiced her opposition to my request.
“You hadn’t to be going through something like this without your loved ones nearby.”
“Momma, I know you are thinking about me and praying for me. That’s what matters. You keep doing that, and I’ll be fine.”
I tried to carry on with her like nothing was wrong, because I knew she’d look for any reason to head down to Dallas, and she couldn’t afford to spend the money.
J.B. came back to visit me several times. Each time he stayed a little longer. One time he spent nearly three days in that chair. I knew it must have been uncomfortable, but I couldn’t get him to leave. He was as faithful as ever; no one could be more fortunate than to have a friend like him.
I began to realize a lot of things while I was in that hospital. Life had a different value, and I began to see things differently than I ever had. It’s as if life were a window, clouded and hazy; as time went by, I’d rubbed on that window trying to clear up the smudges that kept me from seeing outside and, eventually, my view started to improve. With more reason for reflection, my window was beginning to clear considerably.
As I lay there with nothing but the exercise of my brain to keep me occupied, I thought of my husband, and of our relationship. Ours was a life that never seemed to reach the pinnacle of what I had always considered as happily married. From the beginning, it seemed, there was something about Henry which seemed just out of my reach. Even when I thought we had finally become a couple, there was always a little piece that didn’t quite fit.
He was so completely different from his brother. Henry was the schmoozer; always making friends easily, playing up to people. He fed on it, mingling at a company party; flirting with girls; hanging with the guys -- that’s where he seemed at his best. J.B., on the other hand, was happiest with the simplest things. He didn’t need the approval of a lot of other people to be happy. He kept his emotions close to him, and only those who knew him best ever saw them, but they ran true and deep. While Henry might seem to be the more likable on the surface, it was what was inside that mattered.
When he came into my room the next weekend, he never said a despairing word; never shed a tear or offered an emotion, only a smile, but I could see the concern in his eyes. He showed up on Friday evening and he only had a few days off from work, but he stayed by my side until I ran him off Sunday evening. It was almost midnight and I was worried about him driving all th
e way back home after being up with me.
“J.B., you need to go home, now,” I told him, wishing badly for him to stay. “You have a long drive ahead of you and you have to work tomorrow.”
He ran his callused hand through his blond hair. He always did that when he was anxious about something.
“Awe Abby, don’t go worrying about me. I’ll be all right. I’ll get me a thermos full of coffee and I’ll be good to go.”
I shook my head at him.
“I am worried about you, J.B. You’ll fall asleep on the way home and hurt yourself or get killed because you stayed here with me and I’d never be right with myself again. I have the nurses in and out of here all night. There isn’t anything more for you to do. I’m just happy you came to see me. I miss our talks.”
“I miss you, Abby Lynn. I wish you were closer to home. Even Oklahoma City would be better than this.”
He paused.
“Have you heard from him?”
I shook my head.
“No, not a peep. I don’t know where he is or what he’s up to, but he hasn’t been here in three weeks.”
“Well, he may not be real dependable, but I never figured him for a total deserter, either.”
“I’ll get along. If this is how it’s supposed to be, I’ll make do.”
I reached for his hand. His skin was rough from working outside all of the time, but I felt a familiar tingle when I touched it. After all of these years, the thoughts of that one night out on Momma’s porch came rushing back. I looked into his eyes and I knew that in his mind he was replaying exactly the same memory as me. For an instant we were both back on that porch.
I always accepted that when you marry someone, they’re yours good or bad. The truth is, living with Henry was more than a struggle. He could be moody and temperamental, and, even though it didn’t last long, it was still like walking on eggshells around him. Then there were the various episodes we had gone through in the past. But I had made a vow to be with Henry through those things and I’d never even considered doing otherwise.
I guess it’s how a person is raised. Like I said before, I was raised to believe when you married someone you took him for better or worse and that no marriage had to go bad. So, even though my heart was considering what it would have been like if I had made other choices, I was still married, even if my husband was absent without leave.
I guess J.B. knew what I was thinking and feeling, because he patted my hand and stood to leave.
“I guess I best be getting on the road now. I’ve done and muddied the waters enough. I don’t need to be putting this extra burden on you at a time when you need to reserve your strength for fighting back against what ails you.”
After he left, I said a little prayer for his safety and then I drifted off into thought. I had always felt a close-ness to J.B. And I came to realize we probably shared our inner selves better than Henry and I had on our best days.
It’s strange the places life takes you; the journeys you never expected to take. Being away from Henry for as long as I had allowed me to develop my perspective and I was starting to wonder what had drawn me to him in the first place. Oh, I remember the schoolgirl crush I had on him. The way his wavy blonde hair fell across his face and those baby-blue eyes. He had that physical appeal every girl dreams of at that age. But as a person grows a little older, and maybe a little wiser, they begin to find out that it takes more than physical attraction to hold a relationship together. The things that are important dwell much deeper. It’s that ability to bond together; to be as one, which builds a strong relationship.
So, there I was laid up in a hospital, undergoing treatment for this disease that threatened my life, and I found myself more concerned with the life of my marriage. There comes a time when the reality of life and the elements of our dreams are forced to collide in such a way that the results change our way of thinking and living forever. At that moment, in a fraction of time, we are transformed, not into who we had hoped to be and certainly not what we were before its occurrence, but rather into someone who is a little more of one and a little less of the other.
I had experienced the beginning of the transformation the day Henry showed up and announced he was taking some time off. The thoughts and feelings I had that day after J.B. left moved the transformation along even further, but the force that spun it all into order and cemented it firmly into place was generated a few days later when Henry showed up at the hospital out of the clear blue sky. When he said he thought we needed to talk about some things, my world to fall into place like the pieces of an intricate puzzle.
“Where have you been?”
“Thinking. I drove down to Galveston for a couple of weeks.”
“Have a nice time?”
“Abby Lynn, I hate to bring this up at a time like this. I certainly don’t want to add to your problems, but this has been on my heart for some time now. Abby, I want out. I’m not up to this. I can’t go on pretending there is something here when there isn’t.”
Henry’s voice was low and quiet. I’m not going to make him out to be more calloused than he was. I could tell he was struggling. And though I could have made it even harder, I didn’t want to.
“I hate for it to be like this, but things aren’t the way they used to be for us.”
His voice cracked a little, and he squirmed around in the same chair in which his brother had spent three days and two nights.
“I don’t feel it’s worth trying to hold this thing together. I know you must feel at least some of what I feel. We hardly have anything to say to each other these days. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, like I said, and I think maybe it’s time to consider the possibility we made some wrong decisions with those wedding vows.”
He paused, but we both knew what he was about to say.
“Abby, I want a divorce.”
There, it was said. It might have been an answer to my prayer, but somehow that didn’t make talking about it any easier. It still hurt to hear the words, and to know that somehow you failed to keep the love alive between you and the one person who was supposed to love you the most. The fact that it happened while I was still in the hospital was harder on him, I think, than it was on me. After all, I had just spent three weeks without him there, if I could do that, then I could finish this out on my own.
For nearly as long as I could remember, Henry Newburn had been my dream. He was a dream I chased and pursued with all my heart and soul. He was my prayer and my hope. I suppose it could be said there were plenty of signs along the way which could have, or should have, told me what I wanted wasn’t what I needed, but if I saw them, I had chosen to ignore them. I guess I always thought if you loved someone, you could make it work, but maybe that isn’t always the case.
Considering the past gave thought to the times I had stood by Henry, even when my heart wasn’t in it. I have to admit, there was a twinge of bitterness that made me want to strike out at him, to remind him of all his past sins, but in the long run, I guess the past is what eventually made it easier to let go. Because there was bitterness, feelings of being wronged so many times, it made it easier to see that it would have continued or even gotten worse, if we had stayed together.
I struggled to hold back the tears. I really didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing how much I hurt inside.
“What about Ashley,” I asked. “What are we going to do about her?”
“She can stay with you. I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I’m smart enough to know that she needs to be with her mother.”
“Are you going to take care of the paperwork or do I have to get a lawyer from here?”
He opened an envelope.
“The paperwork is already drawn up. All you have to do is sign. You can have the house or you can sell it. I don’t care which you choose. I’ve already rented an apartment. When you get out of here, let me know what you want to do.”
My eyes widened. That one stung a little more, and I
had trouble controlling the sarcasm in my voice.
“Oh, I see. So I sign on the dotted line, and you are free from all the burdens of marriage, including the in sickness or in health part. Wow! When you finally make up your mind, you go all the way, don’t you? I can’t believe you told a lawyer you wanted to divorce me, before you even told me. Why didn’t you go ahead and tell the realtor while you were at it? At least then I might have the money to pay for all this when I get out.”
“This is covered by my insurance. You can be on my coverage for up to six months after the divorce. Ashley can stay on until she’s eighteen.”
“Well, by all means, show me where to sign.”
He handed me the paperwork.
“Look, Abby, this isn’t easy for me either. You think I like admitting I’m a failure as a husband and father? I don’t, but I don’t want to go on living a charade either.”
“I just have one other question. How long has this charade been going on? You never answered me before. Did you ever love me?”
“Abby, I still love you, just not the way you deserve to be loved. Despite what you think of me, you will always be special to me. I’m not blaming you for this at all. I just don’t think we were meant for each other.”
I handed him the papers, and then I vented.
“Well, you sure as heck took long enough to figure that out! You could have saved us all a hell of a lot of heartache if you’d done it sooner. I hope you make the next girl just as happy.”
He didn’t snap back. He just stood up and walked out the door, and out of my life. And he didn’t come back either. I was in the hospital for another week, and I never saw or heard from him the whole time. In fact, in all the years that have passed since that day, he never once took the opportunity to visit me, or his daughter. Now that is letting go of the past.
Momma called as soon as she got my postcard.
“Why didn’t you tell me Henry wasn’t there with you? You know I would never have let you go through something like this alone.”
“That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you. I knew you would want to come here, and it was better for Ashley if you didn’t. Besides, you couldn’t afford a trip like that.”
“I would have found a way.”
“I know, Momma. Look, it’s too late to argue about it now. I’ll be out of here soon, if everything goes okay. Then I’m coming home.” I assured her. “So, how’s my girl?”
“Sweet as ever. She’s growing like a weed. We get along like old friends. I rock her to sleep in that big old wooden rocker, just like I did you when you were little. She hardly ever cries and she lays down for her naps without a bit of fuss. She will be happy to see you, though. She walks around here mumbling ‘mum, mum, mum’ all day long.””
“I miss her.”
“I’m sure you do. It must be heartbreaking to be away from her that long.”
“Momma, that has probably been the hardest part of the whole thing.”
“Well, it won’t be long now. I’ll be praying for you sweetheart. I know this has been hard on you, but I’m glad you’re coming home.”
“Me too, Momma.”
I suddenly had this surge of homesickness. For the first time in a long time, I felt truly alone. I had no husband, and no family nearby. I couldn’t go home, and even if I could, it wouldn’t seem like home anymore. I felt a tear run down my cheek. I hadn’t even realized I was crying until that moment. Momma’s voice continued and I gained enough composure to take note of what she had said. I covered the phone with my hand to keep her from hearing my sniffles.
“So that doctor thinks you’re doing pretty good? Is he sure the cancer is gone?”
I swallowed and took a deep breath, trying my best to keep her from hearing the sadness in my voice. “He says he thinks I’ll be fine, but they won’t know for sure for quite a while. I’ll have to have regular checkups to make sure it doesn’t come back.”
“I hope they know what they’re doing. I can hardly bear the thought of you down there going through this without me.”
I covered the phone again as I cleared my throat.
“I’ll be fine Momma.”
The doctor came in cutting short our conversation.
“Momma, I’ve got to go. The doctor just came in to the room.”
“Okay, sweetie. You take care. I love you.”
“I love you too Momma. Kiss Ashley for me.”
A few days later I was released from the hospital. A nurse rolled me out to the parking lot where a cab was waiting. I gazed quietly out the windows as the bright images of the world flickered by. All around me reflections of sunlight bounced from the world outside, but from the back seat of that cab the world seemed dark and abandoned.
From the looks of the house, Henry hadn’t been there in quite a while. It gave me a strange feeling to walk through those rooms. It no longer looked like my home, but rather someplace faintly familiar. The rooms were all the same as they had been when I left them, the walls held framed images of the people who had once lived there, but the energy and life that had once caused reason for smiles, seemed to have vanished. I thought about that a little, and decided when love leaves a home, it just becomes a house.
I spent the next week resting and gathering some of my stuff together for the bus ride home. Supposing Henry would stop by there at some point in time, I left a note on the dining room table telling him to send my other things to me when he had time. I told him I had contacted a realtor about selling the house, and they would be getting in touch with him concerning anything he wanted to keep. I wasn’t really concerned with what it sold for or what happened to the furniture. Nothing there really mattered anymore.
Before I locked it up, I took one last look around at what I had once expected to be my life forever and said a solemn goodbye. The cabbie helped me load my stuff, and as we drove away, I looked out the rear window until it was out of sight. Then I turned to around, forcing my eyes to focus on what was ahead of me, that’s where I’d find the future, and it was time that I leave the past behind.
Whispers in the Wind Page 24