Loving Paws

by Preston Walker

  Panicked, I took out my phone. I called Lucien, begging him to come home and telling him I was in danger.

  Before the approaching group could spot me, I rushed towards the back of Lucien’s house and searched for someplace to hide or an open window to crawl through. The only shot I had was in a shed with a rusted door I barely managed to pry open. Hoping they wouldn’t think to look for me in such an obvious place, I did my best to huddle down between the dusty equipment and car parts Lucien kept stored inside. Crying, I curled up tightly and prayed for Lucien to arrive.

  Moments later, I heard his voice. “What the hell are you all doing here?” he asked, his voice stern and full of authority.

  The mob shouted all at once. With so many voices overlapping, I couldn’t make out what they told him.

  “Don’t you give me that. You’re all acting like a bunch of fools ganging up like this on one of your own. So what if Caleb has become kind of an outsider? Can’t you see he’s trying? He’s making more of an effort to fix things then the rest of you, and I suggest you all leave him be.”

  Carefully, I crawled out through the door of the shed. Relief flooded every inch of my body, but it wasn’t yet over.

  “Most of y’all need to be at work. Does D’Marcus know where you guys are? You’re wasting time! How about instead of picking on someone, you go out and do what you need to do and actually help the pack?” he snapped. A moment later, he added, “Don’t let me find you doing something like this again.”

  I crept out from behind the house and slowly joined Lucien on the front steps. I watched the crowd dissipate as the shifters went their separate ways. Nervously, I embraced him and buried my face in his neck. He put his arm around me protectively and led me inside, but as soon as the front door shut, he demanded to know what happened.

  We sat on the couch in the den, and Lucien rubbed my back as I recounted everything that happened. Several times, I wiped my eyes and stopped to catch my breath. I don’t think I had ever felt so drained in my life. “Someone must have recognized my car when I was driving into town. They were all waiting for me to come back.”

  I couldn’t bear to keep things from him now. “I-I was in the town square earlier today, with Sarein.”

  “Sarein?” His eyebrows went up in bewilderment. “What’s someone like him doing around Lillington?”

  “You haven’t heard?” I asked quietly. Lucien shook his head.

  “We had an event for the campaign with the mayor.”

  Lucien inhaled sharply through his teeth. “Damn it, Caleb! No wonder they’re pissed! How could you do something like that while you’re staying here of all places?”

  I flinched, and his face softened. “I’m sorry. I know you’re upset, but you really need to be more careful, Caleb. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you, and now I’m scared something like this could go down when I’m not here and can’t make it back in time.”

  “You didn’t hear the things they said to me,” I replied with some difficulty.

  “I’m not making any excuses for them. I’m just saying you need to realize that right now, a large part of the pack is really unhappy with you. I can’t change how they feel, but I can try to keep you safe. Listen, I’ll go and talk to D’Marcus and ask him to keep those guys in check. He’ll know what to do.”

  I buried my face in my hands and stifled another bout of tears. Even though I was safe in here with Lucien, I was still trembling slightly. My emotions were overwhelming me. All I wanted was for Lucien to hold me close and tell me everything was going to be okay.

  He ran his fingers gently through my hair, brushing it back. “This isn’t like them. You know that. These are the guys we grew up with.” For a moment, he paused. “There’s a full moon coming. I’m sure that’s why everyone’s so…so tense today. It’ll be okay, Caleb. Please, don’t be scared.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked, my voice a fading whisper.

  “I’m sure,” he replied, kissing my forehead.

  10

  Lucien

  “Are you hungry?” I asked, peering into the den from the hallway. “I could go pick you up something if you want. Just name it.”

  Caleb shook his head. “I’m fine here,” he said. “Really, I don’t need anything, Luce.”

  I didn’t believe him, of course. The chaos of the previous day was no doubt still fresh in his mind just as it was for me. Even though I had put in a word with my cousin and assured Caleb he was safe with me, he was still uneasy. It was killing me not knowing how to make him feel better.

  I went into the den and joined him on the couch and pulled him closer to me. I wanted more than anything for him to feel safe, protected. Caleb leaned his head towards me and I planted a kiss on the top of his head. “I’m really worried about you,” I said softly.

  He said nothing. It was only when we curled up like this, exchanging gentle kisses and passing the time quietly together, that Caleb seemed at ease. I occasionally stroked his hair and he’d nuzzle into me, and sometimes our kisses became less gentle and more passionate until eventually Caleb slowly drifted off to sleep. I was certain that I could spend the entire day like that with him. It was like our bodies were always meant to be together, our arms interlocked and our souls resting easy in the hearts they have always called home.

  I could stay here with Caleb all day, and I truly wished I could. But I knew I would only be ignoring the problem at hand if I did so. Nothing would get fixed this way, and I could not stand the thought of Caleb feeling so down when I wasn’t here.

  Caleb, always so timid, always so reserved--how long had he been holding back his true self?

  A little while later, long into the late afternoon, Caleb woke up. He straightened and wiped the sleepiness from his eyes while I rose and opened the curtain. “Isn’t that the most beautiful sunset you’ve ever seen?” I asked.

  From the window of my den, you could see far into a clearing of trees, and all that wide, open space let you watch the sun and moon as they traveled across the sky. The blazing sun slowly disappeared beyond the distant mountain range for the evening, leaving behind the most glorious colors in its wake. They were the soft pinks and oranges fading into darkness that only the most passionate artist could ever truly capture. In all my years in this house, I never got tired of watching the sun set and rise, but there was nothing more glorious to the shifters of Thunderstone than the first night of the full moon, which we often celebrated together.

  In order to survive in the human world, Caleb must have had to suppress that part of himself. He had to have forgotten the power of the moon over this world, the luring tides of the sea--and all life.

  Caleb stood up and joined me at the window. “Wow. It’s absolutely gorgeous,” he remarked. “Out in the city, there’s way too many buildings to get a sight like this. I can’t believe I’ve forgotten the kind of view you get out here.”

  I smiled. “Yeah. It’s the best, isn’t it?” A few moments later, just as I had anticipated, a group of shifters began their trek into the clearing. Young wolves, excited for their first shift under the light of the full moon, skipped ahead of the adults, some of them holding hands as they frolicked into the tall grass. “Do you remember when that was us?” I asked. “When we were the kids waiting for our first full moon out in the woods?”

  For a moment, I thought he wasn’t going to respond. I was surprised to hear him chuckle lightly at the memory. “Crazy how that all feels like a lifetime ago, doesn’t it? I was so scared that night, just worried out of my mind that something would go wrong, that I would turn out to be a fluke or something. Some of the older kids said it would hurt. I was really just about to take off when you stopped me.”

  “I knew you’d regret it if you did. That first time, there’s really nothing else like it. You had to do it with a friend,” I said. “Someone you trust.” I looked towards him, trying to read his expression. “Caleb? When was the last time you celebrated the full moon?”

  “Damn. I
can’t even remember,” he replied, and I was certain I could hear a tinge of sadness to his voice. “It’s not really something I could do around all those humans. I had to learn how to push that part of me down. To tell you the truth, Luce, I doubt I could shift now even if I wanted to.”

  I reached for his hand and took it. “You’ve hidden this part of your soul from the world for too long. I think it’s time you let your wolf out.”

  Caleb shook his head, waving me off. “No, no. I can’t, Luce. You know that’s not who I am now.” He pulled the curtains shut and turned away from the window, away from the sky and the rising moon.

  I held onto his shoulders. “But in that case, who are you, Caleb?”

  “I wish I knew.”

  Caleb went back and sank down on the couch. He hid his face in his hands in clear distress. “All this time, I thought the true place I belonged was somewhere out there, but now that I’m home, I can’t stop second-guessing myself. What if all the work I’ve done is for nothing? What if you and every other shifter here is right and all this campaigning I’m doing is just gonna make things worse? And then what if Sarein’s right? What if Thunderstone just isn’t my home anymore? Where do I belong, Lucien? Where does our baby belong?”

  I sat next to him, rubbing his shoulder. “You’re stressed. You’ve got so much to deal with.”

  “I keep… I keep thinking I know what’s right one moment and the next everything comes crumbling down again. I’ll have one good day and then a lousy week. Sometimes, I don’t even know why I still bother with trying to feel good about myself. It’s never gonna happen.”

  “Hey, don’t say that. There’s plenty of things about you worth being proud of,” I said.

  “Like what, Lucien?”

  “Well… You’re smart, cultured. I can’t say that we agree on everything, but I can’t deny that you’re damn brave for standing up for what you believe in. You’re out there making a name for yourself, Caleb. Most of us just stay here our whole lives, never knowing what the rest of the world is like ’cause we’re too scared,” I said, and I meant every word of it.

  Caleb laid his head on my lap. “I’m so tired, Luce.”

  “I know, baby.”

  He rose up and looked me in the face. “Come to the Hill with me.”

  My eyes widened with disbelief. “What for?”

  “Please, Lucien. Come live with me on the Hill. Let’s start a new life away from these woods. I just… I can’t stay here, Luce. Every second I’m here I just keep thinking about how out of place I am. There’s too many painful memories attached to this place. I don’t belong here. Not anymore.”

  “Listen,” I said, my voice gentle but firm. “Even if I wanted to leave Thunderstone, I could never do that. I have responsibilities here and others who need me. I can’t just turn my back on them.”

  “But what about your responsibilities to our baby?”

  “We could raise our baby here,” I said. “Or we could divide our time here and at the Hill, but I could never leave this place behind.”

  “But don’t you ever wonder what’s out there? Don’t you ever want to see the rest of the world?” he asked.

  “Of course, I do. But at the same time, I know I have a home to come back to. At the end of the day, this is where I want to be.”

  “I want to be with you so much, Luce. I don’t want to be apart from you ever again.”

  “Then don’t.” I cupped his face with my hands. “Will you try something for me, Caleb? I want you to stop denying who and what you are. Come out with me to see the moon.”

  “You want me to shift? Are you crazy? I haven’t done that in years, Luce. I… I couldn’t possibly…”

  “I know it’s hard for you, but you’ll feel better once you let your inner wolf free.”

  “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

  “Yes. I do,” I said.

  “It’s been so long…” He shook his head. “And all those guys from yesterday will be there, won’t they?”

  “I’ll be there with you every step of the way. Nobody will hurt you, Caleb. We’ll go deeper into the woods, just the two of us,” I offered. “And if at any moment it gets to be too much, we can come back home.”

  He hesitated, his conflicting emotions clear on his face, but then he nodded. “Okay.”

  By the time we got out of the house, the evening sunlight had almost entirely vanished. I stripped down to my jeans, leaving my shirt and boots on the porch, and Caleb did the same--reluctantly at first, and then with a sort of jittery excitement.

  It was so invigorating feeling the grass beneath my bare feet and the crisp afternoon breeze against my chest. The mood among the crowd of shifters was noticeably brighter than yesterday. There was something really special about the moon. A first night’s full moon had the power to bring us all together, helping us forget about whatever rifts there were between us. On the nights of a brilliant moon like this, we let our true selves roam free. Nothing made you more forgiving than seeing each other in their purest state.

  They even seemed more forgiving of Caleb. As we passed by, a few of them even waved at us. D’Marcus called out to us in greeting to which we both replied. I noticed Zan looking a bit uncomfortable--jealous of Caleb, perhaps--but he still waved at me briefly.

  The sight of Caleb here, vulnerable against us all, willing to embrace his inner wolf again, must have been a sign to everything that at least he was trying.

  But it had been a long time since he had done this. He would need help, especially since the moment the moonlight caressed his skin, there would be no turning back until sunrise. I took Caleb by the hand and led him a short distance into the woods for some privacy. The sky was getting dark now. I could already feel my skin start to tingle with anticipation.

  Caleb looked up at the moon as a chorus of howls filled the air. I let the rest of the clothing fall and stretched my muscles, making it easier for my limbs to take their new shape. A warmth came over my entire body has my thick coat grew over me. For me, the shift came as easy and naturally as breathing. I felt powerful, free--right.

  Caleb looked at me in awe before a wide grin spread over his face. I came up closer to him, nuzzling him in an effort to encourage him further. Caleb pet my head and scratched at my ears before it was time for him to face his fears.

  He undressed and inhaled sharply. The change came slower for him, his inner wolf had been dormant for so long, and now it was awakening from its long slumber. Caleb got down on his knees as his body, doubtlessly in pain from the stress of the shift, began to take on a different form.

  All the while, I tried to coax him, tried to comfort him through the pain. It was like he was learning the process all over again, and although under the full moon the change would come whether he wanted it or not, he was not resisting, which could only make his shift easier.

  The wolf I feared was gone forever stood before me. Caleb’s coat was the most remarkable dark gray, and his eyes were a blue that seemed to burn brighter than fire. In this form, free of all his doubts, Caleb was the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on.

  We didn’t need words. He ran through the forest, excited to stretch his powerful legs after so long, and I chased after him. My muscles pumped as I jumped over fallen branches and wild bushes in my pursuit.

  Just as I thought I had him, he rolled out of my reach. His tail wagged as he got ready to lunge at me, and I was more than happy to let him jump. We tumbled along the grass, the two of us breathless and panting with the thrill of the chase.

  It was so utterly freeing being like this. We were in our truest forms, our basest selves. Out here in the woods, surrounded by other wolves, the human concerns of the world could not reach us. At that moment, there was only me and Caleb and the joy of letting loose after hiding for too long.

  This was what he had been missing. I could see it in the way he carried himself, dashing through the woods like an animal that had just been freed from its prison.

>   Eventually, we came back to the clearing. The only light around came from the brilliant moon shining high above us.

  There was no reason to hide anymore. I turned my face up to the night sky and let out a howl that came from deep within my soul.

  11

  Caleb

  We came home at dawn, the two of us utterly spent from our moonlight adventure. Still undressed, we immediately crashed in Lucien’s bed, not even bothering to pull the covers over our bodies. As I lay there, my muscles aching, listening to the soft sound of Lucien’s breathing, I tried to make sense of my conflicting emotions.

  I had enjoyed myself tonight. That was the truth. But strangely, I wasn’t happy about it.

  It was frightening how quickly I lost control of myself. All it took was a brief moment out during the full moon to turn me into a beast. All these years I spent trying to keep that wild animal buried, and it all went to waste in an instant of weakness.

  Sunlight shone through the window and landed hot against my face. I turned over in bed and gazed at Lucien, still fast asleep. How often had he done this? It seemed to have come very easily to him, like breathing or blinking. Shifting did not make his muscles ache or his mind race with questions there seemed to be no answers to. No, Lucien was secure in who he was. He did not wish for impossible things like I did.

  He couldn’t understand me.

  I longed to sleep and forget about what I was feeling, but my mind would not let me rest. Those feelings of liberation and the thrill of running into the woods on all fours--it had excited me so much at the time, but now it felt almost monstrous. Humans did not lose control of themselves at such a fundamental level. Humans did not have their bodies change into that of a wild animal.

  I could never be like them.

  And I didn’t want to be what I was now.

  Was there any hope for me?

  I got out of bed and got into the shower, sighing as the hot water ran down my body, soothing the pain. I felt dirty all over. Grass, dirt, and the scent of my inner wolf clung to my body no matter how hard I scrubbed.