We took my car to a nearby coffee shop and sat at a table on the patio. I ordered tea, and he ordered the strongest black coffee they had available. It took awhile for us to settle in and get comfortable enough to talk. I lost a lot of my nerve since asking him, but if I didn’t speak now, I worried I would be stuck forever.
Surprisingly, though, it was Sarein who broke the silence. “I don’t want to be presumptuous, but I think I know why you stopped drinking.”
“Oh? What is it?” I asked. My voice was deceptively calm. Ever since I returned to the city, I feared what Sarein’s reaction to my pregnancy would be.
“Well, you’re sick--and not sick in the way a man typically gets sick. You’ve been emotional, nauseous. Normally, I’d think you were just coming down with some kind of flu, but judging by how tight your shirt has been looking around the waist…” He stopped to stir sugar into his coffee and took a sip. “Caleb, are you pregnant?”
“Y-yes,” I answered, my voice was quivering. “I am.”
He folded his hands together and looked at me sternly. “So, is everything going alright? Are you having any complications?”
I shook my head. “Everything seems to be normal so far.”
He lowered his voice and leaned in. “Do you know who the father is?”
I wanted to say his name. I wanted to let the world know about the man I loved--but it was too painful. We weren’t together anymore; in my anger, I had turned him away after he came all this way to look for me. The memory of his face, the heartbreak clear is his beautiful blue eyes, still haunted me.
“Caleb?” he asked after I failed to respond.
“I know who the father is. The problem is we’re not together anymore,” I said. “I kind of kicked him out of my life after we had a big fight.”
“I see. So, that’s what’s been upsetting you.”
“That… and some other stuff.” I bit my lip. “About the bill. I can’t stop thinking that it might be the wrong thing to do. I mean, this whole subject was a lot easier to think about before I went back to Lillington for a while and found out I was pregnant. Now I just can’t stop doubting myself.”
“Hormones,” Sarein replied simply. “Pregnancy can make you nuts.”
“I don’t think so. I think there might be more to it than I originally thought. When I was back home, I had a lot of time to think about this and--”
“When you say home, Caleb, do you mean Lillington or Thunderstone?” he asked abruptly. “Will you raise your child like a human, or like a beast?”
The way he asked that, his voice tinged with disgust, made me feel defensive. “What does that matter?” I asked.
“If you spend all your time around beasts, it only makes sense that you’ll start to think like one. That’s why I warned you to not get too close to your old pack land. It can be very difficult to break the influence those kinds of places can still have on you even after all these years outside. Shifters are quite vulnerable to their basest, animal instincts.” He took another sip of his coffee, maintaining an intense eye contact with me as he drank. “If an alpha shifter tried to lay claim to you, well, who knows what that’s done to your mind and body.”
“It wasn’t anything like that! It was love! He loved me!” I said without even thinking about it.
Lucien did love me, didn’t he? And I loved him. More than anyone I’ve ever loved in my entire life.
“So then why did you get rid of him if you two were so in love?” Sarein asked casually.
Why had I kicked Lucien out of my life? Strangely enough, I couldn’t quite remember. Whenever I thought about it, I could only remember the look on his face. It hurt to think that that was how I’d remember him from now on.
“We had a disagreement. About the bill,” I explained.
“Of course. You think any shifter is going to give up his right to run wild? If he was anything like those protestors you ran into, I’m surprised you’re still alive to tell me about him.”
Our fight went beyond a disagreement. While I admit I had been awful to Lucien, he hadn’t exactly treated me with respect, either. I knew why he was angry with me; that was obvious. What enraged me was how he refused to see things from my perspective and allow me to make my own decisions. Even if I was wrong, even if I was making a mistake, he couldn’t control me. I was my own person, and what I wanted should matter, too.
But I couldn’t tell Sarein any of this. In fact, neither of us said anything for a bit, and I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable around him and wanted to go home already, but I had promised to hear him out. “So,” I began. “What has been making you so damned unhappy that you keep running back to the bottle? Are those animal instincts you’ve been suppressing left you feeling empty?”
Sarein slammed the coffee mug on the table so hard I’m surprised it didn’t shatter. “No. It’s stress, Caleb. See, when you work as hard as I do, it can be very difficult to find time to relax, so I just go with the next best thing. I wouldn’t expect you to understand that though, seeing as you haven’t even been pulling your weight around the office anymore.”
“Well, trying to balance having a fulfilling life with a family and loved ones as well as work can be hard, but seeing as you’ve already cut out all fun to chase your absurd fantasy of being a human, I can see why you would overlook that,” I shot back.
Sarein gave me a wild grin. “Having a beast’s child, giving birth to a beast--you call that fulfilling?”
“It is when you’re in love, when you’ve found someone who makes you feel happy. You may not understand what this has been like for me, Sarein, but you know what? I’m glad I went back to Thunderstone, and I’m glad I’m having this baby,” I replied, trying my best to sound calm despite the rising fury inside of me. “My life may not be perfect, but I have something to look forward to now. Can you say the same?”
Sarein’s hands curled into fists. I leaned back instinctively, thinking he was going to get violent with me--but he only put his head down. He made a sound that I couldn’t quite place, something like a cross between a sigh and a whimper. Was he… was Sarein crying? Had I gone too far?
“Hey, Sarein” I said gently, reaching over to pat his shoulder. “Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“You’re right, Caleb. You’ve been right about everything you said about me. I’m an alcoholic with no life and no respect for myself. I lie awake every fucking night wishing I could be something I’m not. It has just…” he trailed off still not looking up at me. He curled his fingers and tugged at the table cloth. Small tears appeared in the fabric, so subtle I probably wouldn’t have noticed them if I had not been watching. In all the years I had known Sarein, this small act was the most I had ever seen him let any of his true feelings show. “It has completely consumed me. I don’t know who I am--I only know who I’m not.”
Damn. He managed to put it into words. I don’t know who I am. I only know who I’m not. That not was the person we tried so hard to be since we left our packs, neither of us knowing how impossible it was to escape your true nature. I feared that we had cursed ourselves with our own desires, and that we would spend the rest of our lives chasing something that we were simply never meant to have--never meant to be. We lost ourselves in this search to be human, and who knew what kinds of experiences and joys we had missed out on?
I remembered Sarein’s bare apartment. In trying to hide from his true self, he became as empty as his home.
“Before I left for Lillington, Sarein, I told you that you shouldn’t deny yourself the things that make your life worth living. Do you remember that?” I asked gently.
He looked at me, his eyes pleading. “Yes. I remember that.”
“Please. Try to take that into consideration. I worry about you. It doesn’t matter if you’re human or not--you still deserve to be happy with yourself.”
He didn’t reply. Instead, he looked up at the evening sky. On the horizon, the sun was quickly fading out of sight, taking
with it all the color and light of the day. Soon, the moon would take its place. I felt a familiar tingle of energy coursing just beneath my skin, the sensation of something raw and oh so alive. It had been a month since I left Thunderstone, since I last shifted. A full moon was coming tonight.
“I have to get home,” said Sarein, his tone urgent. He practically shot out of his seat. “Please, Caleb. Could you drive me back to get my car?”
“Forget the car. I’ll take you straight home if you’d like,” I offered. We hurried away from the patio and cut through the shop, making it back to the parking lot before the light of the moon was strong enough to change us. As I pulled out onto the road, I got an idea that I knew was a long shot, but I figured it was worth trying, anyway. “Sarein? Have you ever considered letting your inner wolf out? Just one last time?”
Sarein looked at me as though I had lost my mind. “No. Never. It’s been so long that I doubt that even if I wanted to shift--which I don’t--I probably couldn’t even go through with it.”
“It’s not so bad when you have someone to help you through it,” I said. “Don’t you want to let loose just once? There’s a big park nearby. If we’re careful, no one will see us. I’ll help you through each step, if you’d like.”
I waited for him to snap at me, to rage at me for even suggesting such a ridiculous thing--but instead, he sniffed and looked out the tinted window, his sad eyes wide at the sight of the moon. “I… I’m not ready, Caleb. I’m not ready to know that part of me again.”
I understood, and I did not push the matter any further. The anger I felt at Sarein’s words earlier still stung, but slowly the anger gave away to what I could most closely describe as pity. I wished that there was something I could say to him to make him feel better, but I could think of nothing sufficient--and besides, it’s not like I was doing any better, either.
When I left Sarein at the door of his apartment, my car as close to the building as I could possibly manage, I watched him retreat inside, away from the moon, away from the world. A peculiar sadness rose up in my chest, and I longed to have someone at my side who knew this sort of pain. I thought of Lucien and the other Thunderstone shifters all standing together in the clearing of the woods, ready to let their inner wolves out beneath the full moon.
I turned my car around and headed for the park. At this hour, in the deepest part of the park beside the pond, it seemed unlikely that there would be many humans out. Outside, it was cold and dark and lonely--everyone would be at home, hidden away from the misery of the fall season. No one would see me there. As soon as I parked, I rushed out of my car and went towards the vast green lawn that stretched on into the horizon. The moonlight tried to awaken the wolf inside of me, but I held it down until I found the pond.
I stared at the calm surface of the water, and my reflection stared back. I quickly took off my clothes and watched my features and body contort as the transformation began. My muscles stretched painfully as my legs took on their lupine shape, causing me to lose my balance and fall to the grass. I grit my teeth, feeling them easily grow into powerful fangs even as the rest of my body struggled to complete the change.
My body felt as though it were splitting into pieces. The pain was so intense it was blinding. It soon became difficult just to breathe, as my body no longer felt entirely like my own. I curled my fingers, now baring claws at their tips, and dug into the dirt and sod as a pained moan escaped my throat. It wasn’t impossible, but the pain was too daunting to fight through, almost overwhelming to handle alone.
I shut my eyes and saw Lucien. The memory of him standing before me, encouraging me to release my inner wolf, momentarily comforted me. It was just enough to help me through the next hardest part. I felt my joints stiffen and my hands turn into paws, all the while thinking of how I ran through the woods with the wolf of my dreams. But then, I noticed the beautiful wolf was watching me with accusing eyes, a sharp look that cut me through to the core of my soul.
He wasn’t here with me--and it was my fault. I had driven him away. The look of hate turned into one of immense sadness. I panted, realizing that it was my own reflection I was looking at, and I could hardly stand the sight of myself now.
I managed to get my body to shift completely, but I was too tired and delirious with pain to run through the park as I planned. I rose up on four shaky legs and limped along the edge of the pond.
It wasn’t the release of the inner beast that had made me so euphoric before. It had been love. The love I felt when exposing my true self to the one I trusted. I could have been happy like that, as long as I was with Lucien.
But that part of my life was over. This loneliness is what I chose. I ran away from who I was and found nothing waiting for me.
I recalled the howls of the pack, dozens of voices becoming one as they cried their joy of the first full moon night. I leaned my head back and saw that same moon, imagined them gathering, and felt envious of what they had--what I had rejected for so long. From deep inside myself, I let out a mournful howl that was met with an endless silence.
17
Lucien
Even from a distance, I could make out the chaos coming from within The Snared Hare. Dozens of conversations, fueled by angry voices, overlapped each other. Occasionally, the voices were joined in a single shout of frustration. Glass clinked together. Music became nothing more than a faint hum lost among the cacophony of noise. It was busier this morning than it was in the evenings when we all got off from work, and it was no mystery why.
I went inside. Johnny, the solitary busboy, came up to me. “Morning, Lucien,” he said, trying to hide the weariness in his voice. “The alpha’s been looking for you. He’s over at the other side of the bar.”
“Thanks, Johnny. Man, this place is packed today,” I noted. “Are you handling all this okay?”
He sighed and gave me a tired smile. “I’m managing. It’s June who’s currently in over her head. Pretty much everyone in the pack has come by to the bar these days to watch what’s going on with that shifter bill.”
I shoved my hands in the pocket of my jeans. “Nobody’s been causing too much trouble, I hope?”
“Nobody here, at least. It’s the shifters over on the Hill that I’m worried about.”
That answer nearly caught me by surprise. However, there was no denying that he was right. This bill was proving to be controversial. By now it was bigger news than any of us thought it would be. It wasn’t just us Thunderstone shifters that had been vocal in our dissent against it; across the whole country, sympathetic humans had shown their support in surprising numbers. Shifter packs that had been in the shadows along the forests of the western coast and mountain ranges up north had come out of hiding to make their voices heard. The vote was getting close now, and everyone was watching anxiously.
“I’ll be at your table in a sec if you wanna order anything,” said Johnny as I spotted D’Marcus.
It was too early to drink, and besides, the poor kid had more than enough on his plate as it was. “I’m good,” I told him. “Just some water, maybe.”
“Of course. Let me know if you change your mind.”
With that, I went off and joined my cousin at a table by the television. D’Marcus was so engrossed by the news that he hardly took notice of me until I called to him after taking a seat. “Luce!” he said. “It’s good to see you out of the house.”
“It’s good to be out,” I replied with a smile bigger than what I felt. “Staying in there has been driving me crazy. I had to get out and get some work done. Besides, I’m pretty sure Punk was getting sick of me, too.”
He chuckled, but his grin soon gave way to a look of concern. “Are you sure you’re up for watching the news with us, Luce? It’s been getting kind of intense lately with the vote happening later this week.”
I waved my hand in dismissal. “I’ve been keeping up with this bill since the day it was announced. I’ve been watching the news coverage at home, but I guess I thought it would
be easier to get through it with other shifters. Whatever the result is.”
The truth was I was an anxious mess. I could hardly focus on anything other than watching the news. Local stations kept their focus on protests--protests I had not attended because I was barely functioning these days. At first, I didn’t understand most of the legal jargon the reporters were using, but slowly I seemed to be picking it up. From what I understood, the bill had the support of many popular figures due to Caleb and Sarein cozying up to them, and it didn’t look like the odds of it getting beaten were in our favor.
“I just hope I’ll be able to keep everyone in check if we lose. I know I told you that everyone’s kind of eased off of Caleb already, but everyone’s still raging mad about this bill. Morale is getting pretty low these days. The guys are starting to feel helpless about this whole thing,” D’Marcus explained.
“How did you even manage to get them to stop hating Caleb so much?” I asked. “You should have seen what went down when he first got here. They would have torn him apart if I hadn’t stepped in when I did.”
D’Marcus took a long sip of his drink--Coke, it looked like. I was glad he had not taken up day-drinking. “I didn’t do a thing, Luce. I can’t speak for anyone but myself, and hell, I can’t even lie to you and say they don’t still resent him for what he’s done, but I think on some level the guys understand what happened to make Caleb do what he did. It’s like I told you and Zan, it’s not easy being a shifter in this world, so you find ways to cope with it. Unfortunately, some of those ways can come back to bite you in the ass.”
“I see,” I said.
“Do you remember when I said doing something like Caleb’s been doing would be unforgivable? That’s not true. Not anymore anyway.”
“It’s not?” I asked.
“If we cut off everyone who did crazy shit in the name of self-hate, there’d hardly be enough left of us to even be a pack.”
He was right. D’Marcus usually was. Lately, I’ve had a feeling that Caleb didn’t even believe half of the crap he said himself. There had to be some other reason behind it, but I still wasn’t too sure what that was.
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