Loving Paws

by Preston Walker

  “Hey.” He nudged my arm. “Don’t think I didn’t see you two together on the night of the last full moon. Caleb Haust, shifting in the moonlight? I tell you, I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyes. I would have figured he had forgotten how shifting was even done.”

  “I had to give him a hand. Turns out when you haven’t shifted in a while, it hurts like you’re doing it for the first time. I figured it’s probably impossible to get through without someone to guide you,” I said. The memory of that night still brought me happiness. If we were done and Caleb was really gone for good, this was how I would prefer to remember him. Not as a self-hating shifter, not as a paranoid man out to cause trouble for us all, but as a happy wolf running free throughout the night.

  “It’s a beautiful thing, isn’t it? Watching someone coming into their inner wolf?” He smiled. “I think that may have been the turning point for the rest of the pack. They probably watched him shift and realized he’s still one of us. It’s still possible to get the old Caleb back. It’s just gonna take some time.”

  “You think so?” I asked.

  “Sure. Plus, I’d say you’re a pretty good judge of character, Luce. It’s no secret that you and Caleb have had something going on, but if someone like you, someone who almost everyone believes could be the next alpha still likes him--well, that’s gotta count for something, doesn’t it?”

  “I guess it does.”

  Our conversation was interrupted by the sound of hands slamming against the table tops and disgruntled shouts. I turned to look at the screen, and indeed, things were not looking good. Reporters had just announced the projected results of the election, and it appeared that we were going to lose by a landslide. A few of the men in the bar began to curse and shout out hateful things about humans. D’Marcus, of course, was having none of it.

  “Hey! Calm yourselves down! We haven’t lost yet!” He stood up, commanding the entire room. I couldn’t help but think back to the evening the bill was introduced, and how only he could bring everyone to attention by promising the protest. In the event that we lost, I wondered what he would have to do in order to stop them from rioting. “And even if the bill passes, you know we’re not gonna go down without a fight.”

  That seemed to pacify them a little. They were angry, and that was understandable. In fact, just being around them and all their righteous fury had done wonders for my mood. No longer did I feel like moping around about my own problems. This whole problem went far deeper than Caleb; it involved shifter and human relations going back since time immemorial. It was a history that was not always good on either side.

  A group of us gathered around D’Marcus’s table in between incoming news. Elder shifters and young men alike sat to discuss what our next plan of action would be. “How about another protest?” Jack, a teenage shifter offered. “It could show them we’re still willing to fight.”

  “Protests are good, but we can’t stop there,” I said. “We’re gonna have to start working from within the political circle ourselves if we want to make real changes.”

  “What do you mean by that?” asked Zan.

  “I think we all need to start trying to work together. Not just us here in Thunderstone. I think it’s time we try to start reaching out to other packs.” I waited for one of them to express their outrage at what I just said to them, but they only stared at me in disbelief.

  “Do you understand the kind of thing you’re suggesting?” asked Johanna, an elder shifter. “Since when do our kind try to place with outsiders? With fought with enemy packs ever since the moon made us into what we are.”

  “But we’re not enemies--” I faltered for a bit, trying to fight down my own nervousness. “At least, we shouldn’t be. Not anymore. We’ve got more in common than we’d like to think. After all, this bill is going to hurt them as much as it hurts us. It won’t just be our names that will be put on that government list. It’s gonna be all of theirs, too if it isn’t stopped. It just makes the most logical sense to try and help each other out.”

  “What good will that do if we’ve already lost, though?” asked June, from her spot behind the counter as she rubbed the water spots off a glass. “Tensions will already be high as it is, and then you add rival packs into the mix--who knows what will happen then?”

  “If we already lost against this bill, what else would we have left to lose? I mean, think about it. There’s no way this bill is just going to end with some government list. Why keep around a list of people’s names and identities if you’re not planning on doing something with them. No, it would be the beginning of the end for us,” D’Marcus pointed out. “Every shifter in the country must know that by now--and they’re scared.”

  “Everyone except those traitors on the Hill,” someone muttered, and a handful of shifters voiced their agreement.

  I did my best to ignore that comment. This had almost nothing to do with me and Caleb anymore. This was about the safety and future of the pack.

  But D’Marcus went on, unbothered as though he hadn’t even heard them. “I think you should really take into consideration what Lucien has to say. There’s strength in numbers, even if it doesn’t seem like it now. Just look at all these protests that have been going down.”

  “We all need to care for each other. Now more than ever, we need to reach out. This is an attack on all of us, and we need everyone--everyone--to know that we’re not going to back down, and we’re not going anywhere,” I said, sounding a lot more confident than I felt. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in what I was saying--I really did mean every single word of it--, but I had my doubts that it could really work. What if the tension we had with rival packs ran deeper than we knew?

  Luckily, the conversation was sidetracked by more news reports, which gave me some more time to think this plan through. I was glad that I had the support of D’Marcus at least. If anyone’s word meant anything around here, it had to have been the alpha’s. This whole ordeal seemed a lot less daunting now that I realized that nobody was ready to give up just yet.

  It was a relief, because I wasn’t sure how much more I could handle myself.

  As the old television blared on, Johnny raising the volume again and again to ensure that we could all hear, I had to excuse myself from our table. I ended up heading back all the way to my house, and even though I kept telling myself that I would go back to the bar as soon as I could think clearly, I knew I already had more than I could handle for the day. Once inside, I headed straight for the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face.

  I felt like I was on fire. Every single cell in my body was burning up. The last time I felt like this, I had some release. But now? Was I doomed to suffer with this loneliness for the rest of my life?

  Despite my better judgement, I turned on the television in the den to the channel it has been on since the bill was proposed. News about other upcoming bills and amendments to existing laws filled the screen, but I found myself having difficulty paying much attention to it. If anything new had come up about the shifter registry, I likely didn’t even pick up on it. Instead, I sat there, hoping only for a short glimpse of Caleb’s beautiful face. I needed to know anything I could about how he was doing--how our baby was doing.

  No. I wasn’t strong enough to keep going on like this without him. It felt like something had been torn out from my soul, and its absence left me a weak and broken man. If I didn’t do something now, it felt like I would never escape from this torture.

  I pulled out my phone and scrolled through my contacts. Without meaning to, I came across the text messages Caleb had sent me when he announced that he was coming to town. I fought with myself on whether or not I should call him and ultimately I decided…

  Well, I guess I couldn’t come with a decision just yet. Caleb made it pretty clear that he no longer wanted anything to do with me. I knew I needed to respect that, respect him. But… I had needs, too. I was lying to myself if all I needed was to say goodbye. I neede
d his touch like I needed to breathe, and the thought of endings things like we had as teenagers… I couldn’t go through that again. At the very least, I had to give him one last goodbye, and a proper one at that.

  Punk came over, leapt on the couch beside me, and tried to rub against my arm. Absentmindedly, I scratched at the spot between her ears and listened to her purr as I dialed Caleb’s number. The phone rang for what seemed like a painful eternity. I took in deep breaths between the rings to calm myself for when I would inevitably get voicemail.

  “Hello?”

  I was so shocked to hear his voice that I couldn’t respond. My lips parted open to form a gasp, but no sound came out. I sat frozen in place.

  “Hello? Lucien, is that you?” he asked. His voice was raspy. It made him sound sick and distant. “Hello?”

  “Caleb… is everything okay? You sound…” My voice trailed off. I didn’t want to seem overbearing, but I couldn’t help but be worried.

  “I’m tired. There’s been a lot going on around here lately,” he replied.

  “I can imagine,” I said. “I’ve been following the news. The vote’s happening pretty soon, and with your pregnancy and everything, it’s no surprise that you’re exhausted.”

  “Yes,” he agreed. He said nothing more--or at least, I thought he would say nothing more. After nearly a minute of silence, he spoke up again. “And the moon.”

  The moon? Last night had been a full moon. Though I spent the evening at home--a first for me--I heard the howls of the pack as they chased each other and played in the forest clearing. “Did you go out?” I asked softly, a little surprised I mentioned it knowing how much Caleb hated shifting.

  “I did.”

  “Yeah? That’s great. How was it?”

  “I’m not sure why I did it. It hurt a lot doing it without you there. I thought I was going to get that same sense of euphoria I did when I shifted with you in the woods, but all I felt was pain. I thought I was going to die.”

  “I’m so sorry. I wish I could have been there to help you.”

  “It’s not your fault,” he said. “It was mine.”

  It was clear this wasn’t a comfortable subject for him, so I tried to change the conversation. Now that I finally got to hear his voice again, I wasn’t quite ready to say my goodbye. “I hope everything else is okay. Have you had any trouble with the baby?”

  “No. Nothing out of the ordinary. At least not yet. I haven’t had much time to go see a doctor, what with all the press there’s been around here lately. Maybe when the bill passes, I’ll go for a check-up.”

  Was he baiting me? I stopped petting Punk and listened closer.

  “It’s happening quite soon, like you said,” he continued. “I’ll be glad once it’s all over.”

  Did he want me to be angry with him? I didn’t understand. Instead, I tried a different approach. “Caleb, I think I know why you’re doing this,” I said.

  “Doing what?” he asked coyly.

  “This whole bill thing. Ever since you went back to the Hill, I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, and I think I understand you now.”

  “Really?” he asked, a tinge of surprise in his voice. “So what is it you think you understand about me?”

  “When you first left Thunderstone, you said you did it because you wanted to help save the world in whatever way you could, but that wasn’t the only reason. Do you remember when we first met on the ranch? Before we became friends, we were just two boys assigned to help each other out with our workloads. Everyone thought you were weak because you didn’t like to handle the cattle too hard, and you liked books better than football. Sometimes at night, in the cabin hidden away from everyone else, you used to whisper to me and tell me you felt like an outsider here,” I told him. “You didn’t feel like you belonged in Thunderstone, so you went out to search for a place where you did.”

  Caleb did not answer, but I could tell that he was listening. I could hear his low breathing on the other end.

  “You kept hoping you would find your place among humans because you only had good intentions, but not everyone you met were as kind as you deserved. Some humans were just not ready to have you around, and you had no choice but to hide what you are if you wanted to make it out there--” I paused.

  “Go on,” said Caleb.

  “What you did in order to survive never once made you forget what you are--it only made you hate it. There was nobody there with you to remind you how beautiful and kind and good you are, Caleb, so you focused on all the bad things you heard humans say about shifters,” I continued. “But now I’m here to tell you that you aren’t a monster and you have no reason to hide anymore.”

  “You don’t understand how hard it’s been,” he protested.

  “You’re right,” I said. “I can’t pretend that I understand everything you’ve gone through, but there’s one thing I have learned from the pack, which is your story, as sad as it is, is not all that unique. So many of our kind feel like we have to destroy who we really are. Still, your story is your own, and I cannot try and take that from you. I can only ask you to share it with me, if you’d like to.”

  I heard him inhale sharply. “I wish I could do that, Lucien, but the truth is, I’m afraid time has changed us both too much. What do we have now other than a few happy memories from when we were young? I’m glad you’ve been trying to see things from my point of view, but I’m afraid this is it for us.”

  There it was. The end of our conversation--the end of our relationship and my dream--was here. I grit my teeth in preparation for it. At the very least, this time I would know to stop hoping.

  Not that anything could make this any easier.

  “If that’s how you feel, Caleb, then I respect it, and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn’t. Still, I want you know that I will always welcome you back home--here at Thunderstone, I mean.”

  “Thank you,” he said quietly. “I appreciate it.”

  “Caleb?”

  “Yes?” he asked.

  “There’s another thing I’ve been meaning to talk to you about. It’s the bill--”

  “Please, Lucien. Let’s not do this again.” He groaned.

  “Just hear me out. I’m not trying to fight with you. We’ve done that enough, so let me get what I need to say out, and then we’ll be done.”

  “Fine,” he replied.

  “Think of the baby growing inside of you,” I said. “If this bill passes, his name is going to be put on the list along with everyone else here at Thunderstone. The registry is going to follow him all his life. When he applies for schools or for a job, they’ll know him before they even see him--”

  “You’re not looking at the whole picture, Lucien--”

  I had to cut him off. “What if he grows up feeling like he needs to hide, just like you did? What if he wants to hide so he could make it in the outside world, but he doesn’t even have the chance to do that because of the bill?”

  Caleb went quiet again.

  Was it a mistake to bring up the baby? The very mention of it was stirring up emotions inside of me that were way more intense than I knew how to handle. Knowing Caleb’s story and imagining my child going through the same thing--it was more than I could bear.

  “Please,” I begged. My voice broke, and I could hardly get the words out. “Please don’t do this. Think about the future. Think about us. Haven’t I tried hard enough for you, Caleb? Didn’t you ever love me?”

  “I do,” he said plainly, but then quickly added, “I did.”

  “Then why? If you loved me, you wouldn’t do something to hurt me like this.”

  He hung up, and my heart broke all over again.

  I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and sat there, feeling so hollow I thought I’d collapse under my own weight. Even after everything I tried, it still wasn’t enough. It was stupid to think I could have fixed any of this.

  And again, I didn’t even get to say goodbye.

  Unable to face my
feelings, I went back to the Snared Hare. By then a lot of the guys had gotten fed up with listening to the news and had either gone home or taken up drinking by the counter. I decided to join them and sat at the stool farthest away from the television.

  “What’ll it be, Luce?” asked June.

  “The usual,” I said. “No, wait. Give me some absinthe--straight.”

  She gave me a funny look. I don’t think I’ve ever ordered anything that wasn’t Blue Moon beer before, but I wasn’t here to unwind after a long day at work--I was here to drown my feelings. She came over with a bottle of what looked like some ritzy brand, and judging by the dust that had gathered on its surface, I wasn’t the only one around with simple tastes in alcohol.

  “Is this the strongest you’ve got?” I asked as I watched her pour the clear, green liquid into a shot glass.

  “Strongest I’m allowed to carry. Anything stronger might kill you,” she said with a sly grin. Rules about the strength of alcohol bars were allowed to serve where a little more lenient in rural places like pack lands.

  I gave her a mischievous smile of my own. “Is that so, eh? Well, I’ll be the judge of that.” I reached into my pocket and left the her a nice big tip. “Leave the bottle.”

  She threw her hands up. “You got it, boss. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  The first shot of absinthe didn’t taste too bad, though the flavor was far stronger than I had expected. Instead of overwhelming bitterness, the stuff was almost like drinking licorice--and I’ve always liked licorice.

  Whatever doubts I had about its potency though, that soon went out the door. Its herby, nearly candy-like flavor was immediately followed by an incredible sharpness that stung my throat and made my stomach feel as though it were on fire. I fought the urge to cough up what I drank, and then I poured another shot.

  Already it was messing with my senses--and that was exactly what I had wanted.