by Kendall Ryan
Luke and Jaxon kissed each of my cheeks and I climbed the stairs feeling happy and complete. Being near them made me feel like I was getting my second chance at a family.
Crawling into Knox’s bed alone felt strange. The bed was too big, too cold, and it made me yearn for his warmth. The one bonus was that the pillowcase smelled like him. Curling onto my side, I snuggled in closer, breathing in that delicious scent, and drifted off to sleep.
When Knox finally arrived home late the next morning, I’d already made a big pancake breakfast, cleaned up, and played an epic battle of superheroes with Tucker. Knox looked weary and tired, but most of all he looked traumatized.
I rushed to his side, cupping his cheeks in my hands. “Knox? The baby…?”
“Is fine. A little girl. Not quite five pounds. They have her in intensive care, but there’s not a thing wrong with her.”
“Wow. That’s great news. And Amanda?”
“She’s doing well. She was a trouper. It was a long labor. For all of us.”
“What’s wrong?” I took in his ragged appearance, the fine lines that seemed to have appeared overnight, and his pale skin tone. “You look…scarred for life.” I chuckled, giving his chest a pat.
He met my eyes, deep worry etched into his honey-brown stare. “No man should see the things I saw.”
I couldn’t help but giggle again at his obvious discomfort. Giving birth was a natural process, but apparently Knox and his poor eyeballs felt differently. “Did something…happen?”
Knox swallowed heavily. “I just…the things I saw…I can’t unsee that.” He made a face.
I gave his chest a playful shove. “I think you’ll live. Poor Amanda is the one who had to go through it all. Did she get pain medication?”
He nodded. “Yeah. She made it a good long while without any and then it got too bad. I called the nurse, and they put something in her back that made the pain go away.”
I smiled. Knox had proven he was a good friend and a good brother. But what I really wanted to know was if he could be a good boyfriend.
“Thanks for staying with Tucker and the guys. Everyone good?”
I nodded. “All is fine. They were fun.” I almost told him about Jaxon taking me for twenty bucks in poker last night and immediately decided against it. I knew things were already somewhat shaky between the two of them, and didn’t want to pile on any additional stress. “I came straight here last night because I wanted to talk.”
Knox nodded, bringing a big, warm palm to my jawline and stroking my cheek. “I know. We do need to talk, but I’m exhausted. I was up most of the night and the little sleep I did get was in a folding chair.” His rough thumb continued its path, softly rubbing my cheek. “Can I take a rain check?”
“Of course. I guess I’ll go home. Unpack. Shower. Water my sure-to-be-dead plants.”
“Okay. Thanks again for last night. I’ll call you later.”
All the excitement I’d experienced when I pulled up to Knox’s house last night had vanished. I still needed answers, but for now it seemed, they would have to wait.
Chapter Three
Knox
McKenna surprising me last night should have been a good thing. But it was more than just the situation with Amanda that was giving me pause and had me asking for a time-out today. I knew the conversation we needed to have—about McKenna’s painful past and my own drunk-driving arrest. But every scenario I played out in my mind ended with her in tears and my heart broken. I just wasn’t ready to go there yet. I needed her. My brothers needed her. She’d only just showed back up in our lives and I didn’t want to lose her.
After greeting the guys and checking on the house, I fell into bed, drifting off to a deep sleep almost immediately. When I woke several hours later, I felt groggy and disoriented. Checking the time on my phone, I realized it was late afternoon and reluctantly crawled from bed. After a much-needed shower, I felt more alert and ventured downstairs.
Jaxon was sitting on the couch with a brand new laptop balanced across his knees.
“Where’d you get that?” I asked.
He looked up from the screen at me. “I won some money at a hand of cards.”
I frowned. “I told you I don’t want you gambling.” Jaxon had enough bad habits without adding another to the mix.
“Relax, man. I had a good hand and I bet appropriately. It’s not a big deal. And besides, I got it for Luke. I thought he could take it to college with him next year. He’s gonna need a computer.”
I couldn’t argue with that. Jaxon’s intentions were in the right place. “Fine. But I’m serious about the gambling.” I headed toward the kitchen before halting mid-stride to face him again. “And don’t be looking up porn on that thing. I don’t want Tucker stumbling across your search history.”
Jaxon chuckled. “That’s the entire reason I shelled out six hundred bucks for this, dude.”
I shot him an angry scowl.
He laughed again, closing the laptop and setting it aside. “I’m kidding. If I want pussy, I have three dozen contacts in my phone. All I have to do is text one of them. I’m sure you know how that works.”
My blood pressure shot up. The little shit was right. Which made me realize I should probably delete all those numbers. I didn’t want McKenna finding them and getting the wrong idea. Or worse, I didn’t want to chance succumbing to temptation if this thing between me and McKenna didn’t work out.
“Where are the guys?” I growled.
“At the park,” Jaxon said. “And speaking of pussy…I’m going out.” He grinned.
I rolled my eyes. Perhaps he was a lost cause. The sooner he was out on his own, the better. He would have to make his own mistakes and learn his own lessons, just as I had.
I made myself something to eat and sat alone at the kitchen table. The house was picked up and more organized, and I wondered if that had been McKenna’s touch last night. There was no denying our house felt like more of a home because of her—her light, feminine scent that hung in the air long after she was gone, the sense of calm she instilled in me and the boys, the home-cooked meals she occasionally spoiled us with. God, I’d missed her.
As I ate, my mind wandered to McKenna. She’d been a vision standing in the doorway of my bedroom last night, her skin flushed and her heartbeat racing in her neck. I couldn’t even imagine what she thought was going on inside my room. Finding Amanda in labor was probably the last thing she expected.
Anticipation coursed through me at the thought of seeing McKenna tonight. She had said there were some things she needed to tell me. Which meant I needed to delay pulling the skeletons out of my closet. That would have to wait. Tonight was about her.
As I cleaned up after my meal, my mind went to the events at the hospital last night. I shuddered remembering Amanda’s guttural cries when she pushed the baby out, along with a rush of fluid and blood. I didn’t care what anyone said; there was nothing natural about that process. It made me want to kick the ass of whoever put Amanda in that position and left her to deal with the consequences alone. He was a coward, whoever he was. Watching her hold her baby girl and sob just as hard as the tiny thing in her arms was a harrowing experience, and one I’d probably never forget. The baby was born prematurely, and though nothing major appeared wrong, she’d be under close watch for some time to come. I imagined both McKenna and I would be back at the hospital to visit both of them soon.
But right now, it was about me and McKenna.
When I picked up McKenna an hour later, she jogged down the stairs before I had the chance to go up and get her. Exiting the Jeep, I crossed around the front and met her beside the passenger door. She stood silently waiting for me to open it. But I wasn’t in any sort of rush.
Taking her face in my hands, I brought her lips to mine. “God, I missed you.” I held her close, drinking in her breath, the warmth I felt just having her near. “When you left, I thought…”
“What?” she murmured, her mouth brushing against
mine.
“That I’d lost you. I thought you were choosing Brian and a normal life back home over me and all my mountains of baggage.”
Her eyebrows pinched together. “How could you think that?”
Moving my hands from her jaw to her waist, I tucked my thumbs into the back of her jeans and stroked the smooth skin of her lower back. “That morning you left…I shouldn’t have let you go like that.”
McKenna’s mouth lifted in a smile just before my lips claimed hers. Not needing any more prompting, she pressed her lips to mine, running her tongue along my bottom lip until my lips parted and her tongue swept inside, gently stroking mine. What began as a sweet hello kiss turned into something much more desperate. She felt it. I felt it. This time apart hadn’t been easy on either of us.
It was a damn good thing she was back. After getting a taste of how sweet and sensual she was, I knew I was ruined for all other girls. There was only McKenna.
I growled in satisfaction, a low rumble emanating from the back of my throat. “What are you doing?”
“Distracting you,” she said, her voice breathy.
“It’s working.” I pressed my hips into hers, letting her feel the hard ridge she’d inspired in my jeans. “We should go before I get arrested for public indecency.”
She giggled. “Where are we headed? Your place?”
I shook my head. “I might have something planned.”
This information earned me a smile. Good, because I’d planned my very first date and something in me liked the recognition. I’d never dated, and McKenna understood what this meant.
If it were summer, I could take her to the Navy Pier and ride the Ferris wheel, or to the beach where we could sit and watch the waves of Lake Michigan crash against the shoreline. Instead, I helped her inside the warmth of my Jeep. The frigid temperatures dictated we’d be doing something indoors.
I drove us to the downtown restaurant I’d researched online. Never had I spent so much time planning a meal. But this wasn’t just any meal; it was a second chance for us. Knowing it would take a small miracle to find parking even reasonably close to the restaurant, I pulled to a stop in front of the valet sign. McKenna shot me a curious glare. “We’re eating here?”
I nodded. I might not have much to offer her, but one nice meal out wasn’t going to break the bank. McKenna had done so much for me and for the boys. I wanted to treat her to something special and show her how important she was to me.
After I handed my keys to the valet, we headed inside the quaint Italian restaurant, Cucina Bella, and were guided to the table I’d reserved near the fireplace. McKenna’s answering smile was the only reassurance I needed. It was good to mix things up now and then.
We sipped our drinks—sparkling water with lemon for her and a draft beer for me—and made small talk. She’d hinted that there were some things she needed to talk to me about, and as insanely curious as I was, I allowed her to gather her courage without prying. When the server approached our table for a second time, I looked to McKenna. “Shall we decide on dinner?”
She nodded.
“Just a few more minutes,” I told the apron-clad server. He turned on his heel and strode away.
After flipping open her menu, McKenna scanned the length of the page before her gaze jerked to mine. “This place seems kind of pricey…are you sure this is okay?”
“Of course. Order whatever you’d like.” There were various cuts of steak and several types of seafood dishes.
She chewed on her lower lip. “I can pay for myself, don’t feel like you have to…”
Leaning in toward her, I placed my hand on hers. “I brought you because I wanted to enjoy a nice night out with you. One without loud, nosy boys, video games, and stale pizza.”
McKenna’s mouth pinched closed and she gave me a tight nod.
I had no idea what she was thinking, but if she was so worried about money, I could open my wallet and show her we wouldn’t be locked in the kitchen washing dishes to pay for our meal. I could afford a nice dinner, for Christ’s sake.
Once we had ordered, I pushed my chair closer toward her and leaned in. “Are we going to talk about what’s on your mind?”
McKenna swallowed the piece of bread she’d been absently nibbling and placed the rest on her saucer. “Okay.”
Watching her chew on her lower lip again, I suddenly had a sinking feeling about whatever it was she was going to tell me. Like a schmuck, I’d planned a romantic date, and by the sour expression on her face, she was going to break up with me. Just my fucking luck.
“I had a moment of clarity in Indiana and realized you were right about some things.” She took a deep, fortifying breath. “I can’t keep up this pace. It’s not healthy, and my parents wouldn’t have wanted this for me.”
“What are you saying?”
“This is too much for me, Knox. I thought I could do it, be with you and lead Sex Addicts Anonymous, but I can’t. I’m emotionally exhausted and it’s not something I can continue.”
“You don’t want to lead group anymore?”
She shook her head.
“And us…are you saying…”
“I feel like I probably rushed you. You were in treatment and I just…wedged myself into your life, your home…your bed.” A playful smirk lifted her mouth.
“I had no complaints.”
The truth was, the aspects to our physical relationship moved at a much slower pace than I was used to, but our emotional relationship was what had sent me spiraling out of control. That loving side of me had died a long time ago, on the day I’d watched my mother be lowered into the cold, hard earth. But if there was anything that gave me hope that maybe I could get that part of me back, it was McKenna.
“So you were worried about telling me you’re leaving group?” I asked.
She nodded. “And there are a few other things, too.”
“First, I’m happy that you’re realizing your schedule was too full, and I think it’s good you’re taking a step back. Besides, my days at group are done anyway. It’s no longer court appointed for me. I passed through all the sessions with flying colors.”
“Why was your therapy court appointed?” A crease in her forehead lifted her brow as she apparently realized it was something we’d never discussed.
Fuck.
“We’ll get to that.” Later. When hell froze over, hopefully. I needed to man up and grow a pair, to tell her about my secret past, but knowing there was a chance she wouldn’t be able to live with my actions, I wasn’t willing to do that just yet. I wanted her to know how I felt about her first, and since the idea of telling her I loved her made my body break out in a cold sweat, I figured I needed a little time. She probably didn’t realize it, but I’d never said that to a woman before. It was a big fucking deal to me and not something I just tossed around.
“Tell me what else is on your mind,” I said, my voice low and more commanding than I’d intended.
She took a deep, shuddering breath, her nerves rising to the surface. “I finally settled all my parents’ legal affairs.”
“And?” What did that have to do with us?
“I inherited some money.” She cleared her throat. “A lot of money, in fact.” With her eyes darting up to mine, McKenna licked her lips. “Enough to take care of college for Luke.”
I bit down and tasted blood. “Absolutely not.”
“W-why?” she asked.
“Because the Bauers pay their own way. And your parents left that money for you. This is another one of your do-good charity routines and avoiding facing reality. They left that money for you and only you. They didn’t set up some scholarship fund for needy kids. They wanted you to take care of yourself, have a nice, comfortable life. And I won’t have you shoving this cash at Luke just to avoid that.”
McKenna drew a deep breath as anger flashed in her eyes. She could argue all she wanted, but she knew I was right. This was just another of her damn avoidance techniques. She said she’d grow
n during this trip home, had realized a few things; well, it was time to see if she was telling the truth. Because there was no way in fuck her parents worked hard and saved their whole lives just to see their only daughter give away their life savings to pay someone else’s way while she lived like a pauper in a tiny apartment and took the bus. Fuck that. The more I thought about it, the angrier I became.
“Is this money the reason you offered to pay for dinner tonight?” I asked through clenched teeth.
McKenna lowered her eyes, her chin falling to her chest.
Great. Not only was I not good enough for her, now there was some type of financial divide between us, too. A low growl emanated inside my chest. “Let’s just go.” Feeling defeated, I reached for my wallet and tossed more than enough money down on the table to cover our bill before I stood.
She rose to her feet and followed me to the exit, her eyes still trained on the floor.
Once inside the Jeep, I tried to shake off the sting of defeat I’d experienced back there in that restaurant. I’d tried to do something nice for her, show her that she was my girl and I could take care of her, and it had all backfired in my face. She didn’t trust me to pay for a simple meal, let alone take care of my own family. Fuck.
Noticing the way her arms were curled around her middle, I cranked the heat to high. “Are you warm enough?”
She nodded. “I’m fine.”
Damn it. I was being a prick. I took a deep breath, fighting to calm my raging emotions. “Hey…” My tone softened and I reached for her hand. “I’m sorry.”
Gazing out at the headlights of the oncoming traffic and the snowflakes floating in the night sky, I knew this wasn’t her fault. Her intentions were pure, as always. And she had no way of knowing that one of my hot buttons was when people assumed I couldn’t take care of the boys. It had happened numerous times over the years. I caught suspicious glares or outright accusations about how I could afford to provide for them from teachers, guidance counselors, and even my own lawyer at the custody hearing. McKenna had touched on a sore spot for me, but her involvement wasn’t like the others. She wanted to help, plain and simple. And I’d all but jumped down her throat. Not that it changed my stance any, but I knew I’d overreacted.