by Lindsey Hart
Dallas swallowed back the rising tide of sorrow. It was always so sharp and acute, even after the passage of so many years. She’d been his first love, a love he had never been able to express. And now, lying next to Leena, their sweat still drying, their bodies twisted up together, his heart torn up and strangely at peace all at once, her name felt like an intrusion.
“Go ahead,” he said softly. Neither of them moved. The silence of the room was like a cloak over them and Leena said nothing for a long time.
“I- met- I met Hannah at this piano school during the summer. We hit it off instantly. Her parents were far more lenient. When she said she wanted to learn how to sing and be an actress on Broadway or something, they were proud of her. They did everything they could to make that come true for her. They wanted to give her the best. They found you.”
He scoffed softly, but Leena didn’t make a sound. It made him feel strange, to think that it was how she thought of him. “And she was scared to death of me.”
“She was,” Leena admitted softly. “She asked me if I would go with her. She didn’t like the darkness of the house or how- uh- broody you were.”
“I know exactly how I was and am. Of my many faults, thinking too highly of myself isn’t one.”
“You have no idea how amazing you truly are.”
Dallas didn’t scoff or laugh again or make fun of Leena. He glanced up at her and his chest flooded with warmth at the tenderness in her eyes. “So, you started coming. And your parents were okay with that?”
“Yes. Only because I told my mother that you were a genius. The best musician I had ever seen. I told her how much I could learn from you that I didn’t already know.”
“You were flawless even then, weren’t you?”
“Technically yes, but I will never be as good as you. Your gift, or uh- curse, whatever you want to call it, comes from inside. You always played with this passion, this incredible darkness and light that I could never hope to touch. I was forced into playing. I never truly wanted it. I liked it, I guess, in some way, but so much of me hated it.”
“And you weren’t coming with Hannah to learn anything at all.”
“No, you’re wrong.” Leena’s hand moved to the crown of his head. She slowly caressed his hair, lifting the long strands, running her fingers through them. It was entirely soothing, probably for her as well. “I learned so much. Everything you taught Hannah, I soaked up. It was the first time in my life I was choosing to learn. You were such a good teacher, Dallas.”
“Hardly.”
“You were. No matter what you thought, Hannah responded to you. She wanted to be the best and that’s why she kept coming back. She eventually learned that you were harmless.”
“Long after you did, I suppose.”
“I knew you were harmless from the start. I lived with two people who were musicians or at least, were at one time. I wasn’t a stranger to darkness or… well, I guess my mom had some struggles with depression. She tried not to let me see, but I could tell. She was just so obsessive about the piano. It was like a trigger for her, one she could obviously never escape. It was this weird cycle. I think that was part of the reason I hated it so much. Aside from being driven to it and chained to it and not being allowed to be a normal kid, it just symbolized all this lost hope for her own life and all this hope for me.”
Dallas sighed. “I guess I should thank her then. You would never have seen through me otherwise.”
“I don’t know.” Leena’s hand kept smoothing through his hair. He didn’t even know if she was aware of what she was doing, but it felt as good as having her there with him. “I didn’t mind cleaning up for you. I did it often enough at home. I had chores and everything. I knew how to vacuum and wash dishes and dust and all that. My mom was pretty fastidious about keeping our house spotless too.”
“I don’t know why you ever would have wanted to do that.”
“Because it helped you.” Their gazes locked as he looked up and she looked down and he could tell that for her it was the most natural thing in the world.
I took so much for granted. Everything she did. Everything she was. Everything she is.
“You… you shouldn’t have had to do any of that for me. You shouldn’t have had to see me like… like I was.”
“If you were a mess or if you were perfect, I didn’t care. I was amazed by you. At your talent. At your rawness. At the way you felt things, even if most people wouldn’t say it was healthy.”
“It wasn’t healthy. It still isn’t.”
“I know, but I’m not afraid of it. I’ve tried to help you until you were ready to help yourself.”
“You saved me, Leena. After Hannah died. I was so lost. I’d never felt anything like that- that level of despair before. I just wanted to lay there and die.”
Her hand stilled on his head and her eyes welled with tears. “I know,” she whispered thickly. “I know that. I couldn’t let you. I knew you would never love me, so I gave you what I could.”
“It was what you did that brought me out of it. You have no idea what it was like to wake up and find it next to me, perfect, the ending there like I’d written it myself. It was just such a shock to see the writing there, different than my own, the notes, so much smaller, neater. I had no idea what happened. It was like she had come as an angel and given it to me to tell me that I was going to be okay.”
“You must have been disappointed to find out that I had done it.”
“No. I was amazed. I know you don’t think so and I know I never told you or showed you, but you came out of nowhere. Here was this girl who was just Hannah’s friend, the strange girl who cleaned my house for something to do, a twenty year old girl, writes me a piece of music that was so advanced, so well beyond her years, equal or better to what I had written. That alone was enough to shake me out of my stupor. You cleared the fog. It still hurt. God, it still hurts when I think of her, but you gave me a reason to keep going.”
“That’s… Dallas, you have no idea what that means.” Tears trickled down Leena’s cheeks. They wrung him out inside, but her eyes weren’t sad, they burned into his, filled with amazement and joy and so much love.
“Your own gift, I never even considered that you played. I didn’t know until you sat down at the piano with me, in front of everyone. I don’t know why I never considered it.”
“Because anyone can write music.”
“I didn’t even think…”
“It’s alright. I could have told you, but I didn’t. It honestly would have been fine if I never played again. And you were always there. We made a good team after that. You would play and I would sing and we would write together. I was so excited when we’d send it away and people would rave over it. I’d do your accounting and I was amazed at what people paid for your work. I cleaned up for you-”
“You had to clean me up a couple times too. Lord, Leena, I’m so sorry…”
Her eyes softened further. “I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t want to. I cared about you on so many levels. I knew that I- that I loved you, but it was more than that. I cared about how you felt and what you thought and that you were well and healthy. I tried to do what I could and if helping you shower after it had been a few days-”
“Weeks.”
“A few weeks then, or shaving you or getting you dressed-”
“A child could have cared for himself better than I could. I still can’t.”
Leena’s fingers moved, going back to massaging his scalp, combing out his long hair. “You need something. I wanted to be enough, but I know it’s not about me. What you have inside of you, you need to talk to someone. I know we talked about it before. We can find a doctor or someone who understands better than I do. If you truly want to get better and stop having… episodes, then you need to reach out.”
“I don’t know where to start,” he said thickly. He couldn’t keep the fear out of his voice. “What if they try and put me somewhere?”
“This isn’t
the eighteen hundreds. I’ve promised you before and I’ll swear it again, I would never let that happen. I’m your wife and they would have to listen to me. I would even go with you if you wanted me to.”
“I can’t go out. You know that.”
“We talked about that too. We could start small.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready…”
“Would you talk to someone though, if I found the right person? If you don’t like them, I could try again. This is about you. It’s about trying to help you, if you truly want it to stop.”
“The music? I can’t. I can’t let it stop. As afraid as I am of it every time it comes back, it’s worse to think of it not being there. I don’t want to live my life in a fog. That’s all those pills do.”
“Maybe you don’t need pills. There are natural methods. Meditation. Acupuncture. I don’t even know what else, but I’ll figure it out if you want me to.”
He knew she’d said as much before. She was telling him again, gently assuring him as though they’d never had the conversation.
“Before today I would have asked you why. Why you’ve spent half your life trying to help me. Trying to make my life better at an obvious detriment to you. I had my eyes so tightly shut. I’m sorry. I can never tell you how sorry I am for all the times I’ve been rude to you. For all the times I’ve probably hurt you.”
“You’ve never hurt me. I stayed because I wanted to. I knew what I was signing up for. My parents were livid when I told them I was marrying you. I’d lied to them. I said that I had a good job where I was playing piano and learning, writing music. Maybe one day I’d even have my name on it. Maybe I’d be something. I made them believe this was just another step in getting to where I wanted to be.”
“Your name.” He chose to pick that out. “I never once told you not to put your name on that music.”
“I know.” Her blue eyes blazed with feeling. “I just didn’t want to. The music was yours. Sometimes I just helped you get it out.”
“You could have taken my money. You always had access to my accounts. You could have taken what you knew was yours.”
Leena stilled. They both thought of that horrible day, that horrible fight, that had led to her getting hit by that car.
“The money never mattered. I wasn’t living at home and my parents paid for my apartment. They wanted me to focus on music, or at least, my mother did. I was learning. I don’t think I truly lied to them about what I was doing, I just shaded the truth, slanted it in a way my mom wanted to hear it.”
“They didn’t come to the hospital.” Shame washed over him. “Neither did I. I wanted to… despite what I said when you confronted me. I wanted to come. I just… couldn’t.”
She turned and stared at him. Her eyes were soft. “I know. We’ve been over that so many times. We don’t have to talk about it again. I have my memory back now. I understand. I’m sorry I kept asking you why. I was so confused and hurt.”
They were silent for a while. Leena’s hand resumed the pattern she was tracing through his hair. Finally, he spoke again, breaking the stillness.
“When you first approached me about building this place and doing this, about living here, about being partners in a way, I actually liked the idea. It made it easy for me to just- live the way I was living. I wanted you then, even before I could admit it or see it. I didn’t want to be alone. You were a part of my life. I couldn’t let you go.”
Her hand stilled. She let out a long breath that could have been a sigh, but her inhale sounded more like a gasp.
“When you asked me to marry you, I thought it was just an arrangement that worked for both of us. Even before we set out parameters, it was obvious. It was to help you and help me create this place. I had access to your accounts. I could choose my own destiny after that. I made all the decisions about this place. I still do. You gave me that freedom. I love what I do. I… it gave me a way to be close to you and that meant everything to me.”
“And your parents disowned you.”
“Yes.” She nodded slowly. Her features hardened, revealing nothing. “They did. When I told them I was marrying you they were amazed. I mean, my mother knew your name. She knew you were a tremendous talent. It came out of nowhere. They didn’t even know I had any contact with you since Hannah died. It wasn’t you. My mother was actually in favor of the idea because of what you meant to the world of music. It was me. I told them what I was going to be doing for a living. Putting on plays and musicals. She thought it was a waste of my talent. It wasn’t what she wanted.”
“But it’s what you want, isn’t it?”
“Of course. I wouldn’t change anything in my life. I love this. I love what we’ve built together.” Her cheeks reddened, and she looked away. “I wouldn’t change anything now,” she amended softly.
Leena shifted so that she was on his level, their faces an inch apart. Her soft smile curling up her lips, her little breaths, her beautiful radiance, he couldn’t resist kissing her again. He did so softly, gently, more an exploration of everything he had never taken the time to know or savor.
The kiss changed, deepened, passion bringing them together once more. Dallas slammed his eyes shut. He dared to hope that things really could be different, that he could walk through life with his eyes wide open. That Leena’s hope for him wasn’t misplaced, that all her years spent with him weren’t wasted, but he knew it wasn’t that easy. He knew that he’d hurt her before and that he would again and that everything was different now. He felt like it was only a matter of time before he shattered their carefully built life and then he’d be where he was at the start… completely and utterly alone.
CHAPTER 17
Leena
“Where the hell is Dallas?”
Leena started. She’d drifted off into a world of her own thoughts as Cindy Valeria finished up her makeup. She turned in the chair to find Minnie standing behind her, hands on hips, a worried look creasing her brow.
“He’ll be here. He promised me.”
“Why isn’t he here for makeup then, like everyone else?” Minnie sighed in impatience. “I swear, Leena, I told you that this was a terrible idea. Dallas isn’t an actor. He isn’t trained for the stage and even the best of us get nervous…”
“No. This isn’t going to be like that. He’ll be here in a few minutes or I’ll go get him and bring him down. Don’t worry, Minnie, we aren’t going to have to refund the entire house.”
“We better not have to. What a nightmare that would be. People are coming to see you. You and this bizarre mystery of Dallas. People aren’t stupid. I’ve had more than one person question the fact that he’s going to be playing the lead alongside you. People know Dallas’ name. He’s quite famous. It looks weird.”
“What it looks like is intriguing,” Leena corrected gently. She hoped her face didn’t betray her own doubts. The truth was, Dallas should have been there by now. He should have been there twenty minutes ago, like she was. “The place is sold out. Every single show is sold out. People do know who Dallas is and he’s half the reason they’re coming.”
The rest of the cast situated nearby having their makeup done carefully tried to pretend that they weren’t paying any attention to the conversation going on around them. Minnie finally had to give in, since Leena sat stoic and silent and it was obvious she wasn’t going to discuss it further. With a shake of her head, Minnie rushed off to see to whatever last minute details needed her attention.
Leena waited. People came and went. The buzz backstage grew as the show time neared. Leena knew without looking that it was a full house. She understood Minnie’s fear. As an owner, it was her name on the line as well as her livelihood. She cared too, what people thought about Dallas. The theatre was theirs, together, their joint venture, whatever his reasons for entering into it.
Leena was just finishing up makeup and getting into costume when Minnie came rushing back. Judging from the scowl on her face, it was clear that she wasn’t happy.
“Dallas still isn’t here!”
“I’ll find him.” Leena shrugged on the rest of her robe. She tried very hard not to remember what had happened the last time she wore it, only a few days ago. She’d washed it of course, but it was still the same costume and it brought back all the feeling and memory of that afternoon, an afternoon that had extended well into the night and the morning. The hours spent with Dallas had been the best hours of her life.
“Please, do it fast. Lord, if we have to-”
“Relax, Minnie, this isn’t any different than anything else. We have an understudy. He can play the part.”
Minnie’s hair flew wildly as she shook her head. “No, he can’t. We both know that. It wouldn’t be the same. You said people came to see Dallas and that’s the truth. If all they get is an understudy, you can bet the reviews will be in the tank and the complaints will come rolling in. You told me yourself that you and Dallas wrote this together. I know how much this means to you. It wouldn’t be right if Dallas isn’t here. And you wouldn’t be the same. You wouldn’t be convincing.”
“Still-” There was absolutely nothing Leena could say to refute Minnie’s statement. They both knew it was true. It went so much deeper than the play. So much deeper.
“We all saw that kiss. Every single person here. Leena, I’ve never seen anyone look at you the way Dallas did at that moment. And he… you both just up and left after. The entire cast was in shock.”
“I hope you made some good excuses,” Leena mumbled, face heating up.
Minnie couldn’t help but crack a small smile. “I’ll tell you what they were when we have more time. Now, go find Dallas. Like I said, this isn’t going to be the same without him and I know that you’ve been waiting your entire life for this moment.”
Leena wanted to ask Minnie how exactly she knew, but she supposed, after that kiss, everyone knew. It was obvious that something had changed. That everything was different.
Lifting her robe, Leena took off on bare feet. She ran through the backstage area, past dressing rooms, hair and makeup, costumes, sets and all the other regular theatre trappings she was so used to seeing she barely even noticed any longer. She sprinted down the hall and up the stairs that led to the second story. When she finally reached Dallas’ door she was out of breath.