VELOX BOOKS
Published by arrangement with the author.
I Will Break You copyright © 2021
by Daniela Arnold.
All Rights Reserved.
Originally published as Scherbenbrut.
This book is a work of fiction. People, places, events, and situations are the product of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or historical events, is purely coincidental.
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author and publisher.
For my mother
and
my deceased aunt,
Emma—you are missed!
Prologue
October 1999
“To Newhaven?” The bus driver looked at me suspiciously. Pierced me with his gaze. “But no bus leaves from there today. I’m the last one.” He kept looking at me, judging me.
Remain calm, I admonished myself in silence. For heaven’s sake, don’t let on anything. I put on an artificial smile. “I don’t have to go back today.”
The man hesitated for a moment, then gave me the ticket.
I walked past the other passengers, felt their eyes on me, and sat down in the back row on a window seat. I clawed my hands into the fabric of my fleece jacket and concentrated on coming across as calmly as possible.
Being invisible.
It was actually one of my easiest skills. But today I didn’t want to succeed. Again and again I could feel the driver’s eyes on me as he studied me through the rearview mirror, wondering why I wanted to get from London to Newhaven late at night on a weekday. I met his gaze, wanting to appear confident so as not to further fuel his mistrust. I leaned my head against the side window and closed my eyes, feeling myself slowly relaxing. The gentle shaking of the bus made me tired at some point, but I couldn’t fall asleep. Instead, her face flashed in front of me. Those big light-blue eyes, her long, curly golden-blonde hair, which she always wore tied in a cheeky ponytail. A hurricane was brewing inside me, and I urged myself to think of something else. Too late. My thought carousel continued to spin. I saw her in her smart flowered pantsuit she had received for her birthday a year ago today. Everything about her was simply beautiful. It was no wonder that everyone loved her.
I sat up straight and ordered myself to think about something else. In vain. Meanwhile, she filled my innermost being. I saw, felt, and heard her. Her bell-like laughter, her energy, with which she seemed to literally carry the people around her away. Again, I felt the familiar burning inside of me. Anger, which slowly but steadily ate its way to the surface, culminating in boundless hate.
Hate paired with sadness, helplessness, and despair. Feelings that have accompanied me all my life. I felt sick. In panic I tried to suppress the rising nausea, felt the sweat pouring out of my pores in torrents and soaking my sweater.
When the bus stopped in Newhaven, I jumped up and ran down the aisle towards the door. When I was outside, I turned to the driver one last time. He drove off without giving me another look. Satisfied, I pulled the hood over my head and set off.
When I was sitting huddled in a bush in front of the house three quarters of an hour later, the party was still in full swing. From my hiding place I could see straight into the living room, which was packed with guests. Everyone was happy and exuberant, which made me even more angry. Then I saw them. In the flesh and in color. Sitting in the middle of a mountain of presents, beaming towards her father, who was taking a picture of her. I took the binoculars out of my backpack to see what was in the partially opened presents. There were mountains of fancy clothes, make-up, beautifully decorated perfume bottles, countless books, and CDs. Girl stuff. Disgusted, I turned away. Everything inside me cried out to go to her, to spit in her face. I wanted to yell at her and shake her so she understood that life wasn’t all fun, parties and presents. That there were people who had lost everything, who had to force themselves through life every day. Because of her.
A wave of sadness filled me up, took all my strength. A croaky scream rang through the night. When I realized that I had caused this terrible noise, I pressed my hands to my mouth in shock and lay flat on the floor.
I couldn’t imagine what would happen if they found me here.
All my plans for the future, my life goal, the only reason I still existed at all, would be the devil.
I gradually pulled myself together. Everything in the house was as before. None of them appeared to have heard me. Everyone was laughing, cheerful.
Then I saw her parents kissing. Their ecstatic faces drew my gaze.
Everything in me became tense.
I was afraid that hatred would gain the upper hand, and I would lose control.
Not today, a voice whispered inside me. Not until the right time has come.
I concentrated on my breathing.
Minutes passed until I had regained my composure.
I crawled backwards from my hiding place.
SOON, I swore to myself and took a last glance at the house.
They would pay for what they had done to me.
What they had done to US.
A giggle escaped me.
This resolution gave me new strength, pushed me forward, kept me warm despite the icy coastal wind.
I tilted my head back and let my gaze wander across the beautiful night sky, searching for the star that shone brightest of all. I imagined it was her, and that she was giving me a sign.
A flood of tears streamed down my cheeks, soaked the thick fabric of my jacket.
I clenched my hands into fists.
“No one escapes his just punishment,” I whispered. “You have my word on that. I will make them pay for what they have done to us if it’s the last thing I do.”
Chapter 1
London, April 2014
“Are you coming?” Jonathan Webster, known as Joe, from Human Resources, grinned over both ears and tapped his fingers impatiently against the glass door.
Adam looked confused. “I don’t understand. Where do I come to?”
His colleague grinned even wider. “We’ll all meet later in the Leadenhall Passage and have a few drinks. Which you will pay for, old man.”
The lightbulb went off. “Then my promotion is through?” Adam said breathlessly. “That would be terrific.”
Joe raised his shoulders mischievously. “I’m not allowed to make an official statement yet. The boss wants to do that later personally. But just take it as a hint that I’m warning you we’ll be rolling in the dough tonight.”
Adam felt his heartbeat speed up. “Under the circumstances, I’ll buy you a drink, of course. I’ll just call home and let you know.”
Joe flashed a thumbs up and disappeared.
Again alone in his office, Adam emitted a muffled, jubilant sound. How long had he been working towards this moment, had shifted his priorities, had been first in the morning and last to leave in the evening? Now, four years later, his ambition was paying off. He pulled his cell phone out of the inside pocket of his jacket and dialed his wife’s number. When there was no answer after the fifth ring, he wrote her a WhatsApp message.
“Hi honey, I’m going to be late today, but I’m coming home with splendid news. Will you leave me some of your lasagna?” He skimmed his text again, then clicked send.
Not a minute later, he received a reply. “I’m at the nursing home with Jody and couldn’t pick up the phone. What’s the news? Is it what I think it is? And what makes you think they’re serving lasagna today?”
Grinning, Adam typed: “Woe if not. Give my regards to your mother.” After he put the smartphone back in his jacket pocket, he tidied up his desk and stepped out of the office.
When Joe saw him, he impatiently tapped on his watch. “But now at the gallop of pigs, old man. I can already hear him calling…”
Adam laughed. “Really? Your drink is calling you? Well, let’s step on it before he files a missing persons report.”
Three hours later, Adam had to face the fact that he was far too drunk to maneuver his car out of the company’s cramped underground garage and drive it all the way to Newhaven. “I’d rather leave my car,” he said to Joe. “Besides, if I want to catch the train, I’d better get going. The next one to Brighton doesn’t leave for two-and-a-half hours. From there it’s another forty minutes by bus.”
Joe grinned at Adam crookedly. His colleague had downed so many drinks in a brief time that he could hardly stand up straight. But unlike him, Joe had only a twenty-minute walk to his apartment, and no wife to wait for him and rebuke him for drinking too much.
Adam waved at the server and settled the extravagant bill. He then folded the paper neatly and put it in his wallet so he could put it in his tax records at home.
He was just about to get up and say goodbye when his smartphone started whistling. He pulled the device out of his pocket, glanced at the display, then froze.
“You look good,” he read, and looked around quickly. What was that about?
“Where are you?” he wrote back. “And what do you want? I thought we agreed to leave each other in peace.”
“We should have agreed? I rather think this corresponds to your idea of the matter.”
Adam felt the vein at his temple swell up. A migraine was on the horizon.
“Can we chat another time?” he typed. “I’m not in a good mood today, I just want to go home.”
For a moment the cell phone remained silent, only to announce several messages in rapid succession.
“I must see you.”
“Immediately.”
“It is important.”
“Please do not disappoint me.”
Adam clicked through the texts and sighed. For a year now he had peace and quiet. A year during which he had almost forgotten this tiresome thing. Until today.
“What do you want?” he wrote and waited.
The brief response pinged in only a second later. “Talk.”
“About what?”
“About us, of course.”
“THERE IS NO US!!!” He grunted in annoyance and tapped out, “That never existed.” How the hell did this person even get his new number? Now he had to arrange another change. The best thing he could do would be to leave his cell phone in the store today and claim to his wife he had lost it. He would purchase a replacement tomorrow. He got up, waved at Joe, and said, “See you tomorrow.”
“Are you okay?” his colleague wanted to know.
Adam grimaced. “Yeah, just a minor difference of opinion with my wife.” He grinned and shook Joe’s hand. “Don’t stay much longer.”
Joe grinned. “I just ordered another drink. Afterwards, I’m going to the bunk. Tomorrow will be exhausting.”
On the way out, a beep announced another message. Adam read it, and his blood ran cold.
“Are you sure you don’t want to see me? You might regret it later…”
The vein on his left temple throbbed. Was that supposed to be a threat? Who did this person think he was? He shoved the phone back in his pocket, flipped the collar of his jacket up, and walked down the street to the next subway stop. He glanced at his wristwatch and would have loved to scream. Instead of going straight to the train, he had to go to the company to get rid of his cell phone. Now he’d missed the last chance to get home before midnight. He wondered how Imogen would react. Their marriage had been on the brink of collapse since his… slip, and even the birth of his daughter hadn’t been able to change that much. Sure, his wife had always claimed that she would forgive him eventually, that they would never speak of it again, but any deviation from normal life would inevitably throw her into turmoil. Now he couldn’t even send her a message because he wanted to claim he had lost his cell phone in the crowd at Leadenhall.
He raced down the steps to the Piccadilly Line. Arriving on the platform, he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and reread the last message from earlier.
“You might regret it later…”
It was clearly meant as a threat, and with something like that she was on the wrong page with him. “You are right,” he wrote. “I regret that we ever met. That is what I would most like to undo.”
After a moment of hesitation, he pressed send. A beep close to him made him flinch. But when he turned around, he saw only a young man in the crowd behind him with a blank expression on his face, engrossed in his smartphone. Adam chalked up the sound to the roar of the subway. He took a step forward, unwilling to be pushed back by the crowd under any circumstances. He had to get on the subway, no matter what the cost. Then he might still have a chance to—
Without warning, Adam felt a hard blow on his back. He staggered forward, trying to keep his balance in panic, but stepped into the void.
Then a bright screeching, which became unbearably loud, accompanied by shrill screams, ate into his consciousness and would be the last thing he ever heard.
My beloved Imogen… he thought before he was overcome by a wave of pain and carried away into nothingness.
Chapter 2
Berlin, June 2015
The shrillness of the radio alarm clock ripped her from her sleep. Dazed, Charly groped for the device, switched it off. She would have loved to sleep in, but she had already taken two sick days twice in the last month, and her boss would not forgive her another day off. She also had an important appointment today with a customer from abroad who was interested in a loft in the city. If the sale was successful, she would receive a more than generous commission, which she could live on for the next few months. She struggled out of bed, groped yawningly into the bathroom, startled at her reflection in the mirror. This morning her already much too pale face appeared gray and emaciated, the deep shadows under her eyes giving her a ghostly appearance. She grimaced, sticking out her tongue at her reflection. She brushed her long natural red curls and tied them together in a braid. While brushing her teeth she felt the familiar unpleasant tingling in her stomach again.
Fear.
What would he come up with for her today? Would he bombard her with calls again?
Keep her awake half the night?
Lurk outside her office after work?
Charly should have taken Pia’s advice and gone to the police. After all, they now considered stalking a crime, so if anyone could help her, it was the police.
But then she would be out of a job, because Andreas was not only her ex, he was also her boss’ son, and one day he would take over his father’s company. So she had to keep her head down, try to make as many sales as possible so she could live on the commissions for a few months and look for a new job on the side.
The growl of her stomach reminded her it had been half an eternity since she had last eaten anything. But at the thought of breakfast, her throat tightened. Nothing helped at all. She had to do something. Would his father help her if she kindly but firmly urged him to ask his son to leave her alone?
Charly shook her head and went into the bedroom. After a quick look in her closet, she wore a bottle green dress and her black strappy pumps.
A glance at the clock told her that there was no time left for coffee. She was just about to leave when the phone rang.
Annoyed, she reached for the receiver on the coat rack, expecting that it was her ex who wanted to annoy her.
Relief washed over her when she recognized her mother’s number on the display. “Mom? I have to go to the office. Can I call you—”
“You’ve been promising to call for weeks, Charlotte. Wh
at the hell is going on with you? Andreas called the other day and was terribly upset. Did you break up with him?”
Anger flooded her veins, and her breathing sped up. “We separated two months ago. I told you that. Don’t you remember?”
“Well, I think Andy is a great guy. He is intelligent, hard-working, and he will take over his father’s company soon. After all, you have to think about later…”
Charly briefly considered whether she should end the phone call, then rejected the idea. Her parents, especially her mother, were just worried about her. That would be a touching thought, if it weren’t for her concern about the separation from this idiot. “Mama, I didn’t tell you this yet because I didn’t want to worry you,” she replied at length. “Andreas… he is pathologically jealous. During our relationship, he has spied on me more than once and threatened me with violence. I didn’t want to wait until it escalated completely, so I drew the line.”
For a moment there was silence at the other end of the line. “I did not know that.” Her mother sounded worried. “You don’t tell me much.”
“Only because I don’t want to worry you and Dad.”
“I know that. Nevertheless, we are your parents. We love you and only want you to be happy. If we had known what was going on between you, we wouldn’t have..”
Charly’s pulse sped up. “Then you wouldn’t have what?”
“We invited Andy for dinner last night because we felt so terribly sorry for him. He gave us the impression that the breakup came out of nowhere, that it was killing him. Your father and I assured him that we were behind him, that we would talk to you again.”
“Damn it!” Charly fought to control herself in order not to say something she would regret later. “I’m an adult, I make my own decisions. Even if Andreas wasn’t a psycho, you wouldn’t care if I separated from him.”
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