I Will Break You (Best International Thrillers)

by Daniela Arnold

  Her heart pounded hard and fast against her chest. Not out of fear, but in joyful anticipation of the approaching redemption. She smiled as she worked her way to the edge of the cliff. Centimeter by centimeter her feet groped their way forward until not even a foot length separated her from the fall into the depths. The waves clapped hard against the rock face below her, a sound that Charly strangely enough did not find threatening. Only the voice in her head disturbed the peaceful moment.

  You killed me.

  You are to blame.

  You have to pay for it.

  Just as she was about to take the last step and tilt forward, it became as bright as day around her.

  Panting, Charly rose up from her sleep, fell out of her bed, and rolled onto the floor, dazed. It took a moment before she realized it was only a dream from which something had woken her. She slipped into her cardigan, which she had carelessly thrown on the floor before going to bed, and stepped into the hallway. The realization hit her like a punch. The lights were on all over the second floor. She ran down the stairs to the first floor, where the light was on in every room, too. Charly clenched her hands into fists. Was she sleepwalking again? Feeling sick, she went into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of ice-cold water. While she drank greedily, she took two sleeping pills. She had taken two of them earlier in the evening, and within a few minutes she had fallen asleep. So far, so good. This one she felt immediately. What if one day in this state she did more than just turn on the light and lock Jody in the basement? Was she already a serious threat to the girl? She checked all the doors and windows, then she went back upstairs, turning out the lights everywhere behind her. When she sat on her bed again, something stabbed her in the bottom of her thigh. She lifted her leg a little, slid her hand under it, encountered a resistance, grabbed it, and pulled it out. When she realized what she had in her hand, her insides convulsed. Everything started to spin around her, and she felt as if she was breathing under water.

  Only with great difficulty did she manage to free herself from her state of shock and get up. She staggered downstairs and snatched her handbag from the hook on the wall and rifled through it until she found what she was looking for.

  She stared at the photo in her hand, whimpering over the hole where Imogen’s face had once been. When she saw the little blonde girl on the far left, Charly almost screamed. She pressed the back of her hand over her mouth, shaking her head in horror.

  This is absolutely impossible! she screamed silently. This is not real!

  Then she burst into tears.

  “You what?” Jake stared at her in disbelief.

  Charly held the palm of her right hand out to him, containing a small object. “Doesn’t this look familiar to you?”

  Jake shook his head, never breaking eye contact. “I’m starting to worry about you.”

  “This earring belongs to Megan. And there’s no need to worry about my mental health.” She took the photo from the kitchen table and held it up to Jake. “There, see for yourself. The earrings in the photo look exactly like the one I found in my bed earlier.”

  Jake snatched the picture from Charly’s hand and took a look at it. Then he flicked it away angrily. “You know how many girls have these things? Maybe it’s Jody’s. Or her dead mother’s. The girl could’ve found it somewhere in the house and played with it. It’s colorful and it looks like a flower.”

  “That’s a damn butterfly,” Charly shot back.

  In her mind, some images formed a dim memory: A Victoria cream cake with seven candles on top. Megan’s birthday.

  “She got the earrings for her seventh birthday,” Charly said. “I remember exactly. Your father bought them at an artists’ market and told Megan that they were unique. No pair was like another. She was so proud of them she didn’t even take the earrings off to sleep. After a few days, the clips put pressure on her earlobes, which later became infected. Megan was heartbroken that she could not wear the earrings anymore, so she carried them around in her pocket.”

  Charly faltered when she saw the look on Jake’s face. He looked as if he wanted to wring her neck.

  “You don’t remember how or when my sister died, but you remember that she got some earrings from my father when she was seven?” His voice sounded dangerously soft, threatening. “Are you listening to yourself? It all sounds so crazy, it’s almost funny.”

  Snorting, he stood to leave and marched toward the front door.

  “Jake, there’s something else,” Charly called after him. She sent a quick prayer to heaven in her thoughts then said, “Last night… I saw Megan. Or dreamed about her. I don’t know for sure. She threatened me and—”

  “You saw my dead sister?” Jake turned around. The corner of his mouth twitched as if he was going to laugh at any moment. “In your dream? And she threatened you on top of everything else?”

  Charly bit her lower lip and nodded. “In the meantime I am sure everything that is happening here and has already happened has to do with Megan, or with her death. Something happened back then I don’t remember. That’s why I need to talk to your mother. Maybe it’ll all come back to me.”

  Jake took a few steps towards Charly, then stopped right in front of her. “You leave my mother out of your fantasies,” he snapped. “She has suffered enough.”

  “But this is my only chance to find out—”

  “I said no!” Jake shouted. Then he caught himself again, stroked his hair in an agitated manner, and breathed in and out a few times. “I’m… sorry. I just don’t want everything to come back up, you know? There was a journalist at my mother’s house the other day who interviewed her. It was about a report on Beachy Head and all the people who took their own lives there or died in some other way in that place. The bitch pestered my mother until she answered all her questions, and after that she fell into such a deep hole that I thought she would never catch herself again.”

  Jake put one hand on Charly’s shoulder. “Please, Charly, let it go. This whole thing, it’s totally over your head. The best thing you can do is take Jody and get out of here. Otherwise the same thing will happen to you as happened to Imogen.”

  “He what?” Alice stared at Charly with wide eyes.

  “He literally told me to take Jody and leave before the same thing happens to me as happened to Imogen.”

  “You’re sure it was a threat?” said Alice. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “I have done nothing but worry about it for hours. That’s why I called you. Maybe he meant it completely different and I see the whole thing upside down. What do I know? Jake is… he and his family have been through a lot.” She told Alice what Jake had confided in her the other day. “What do you think about that? Did I get that right? Was it a threat? Or is he just worried about me and doesn’t want me to go crazy like Imogen?”

  Alice shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know. I can’t make any sense out of it either. But the fact is that all this seems to have nothing to do with Adam’s affair, but really has to do with Megan’s death. The signs speak a clear language. At first I thought you weren’t making sense, but now…” She stood up, took two glasses from the cupboard above the sink, filled them with tap water, and set one of them on the kitchen table in front of Charly. “There are these disturbing photos; Imogen’s farewell letter; your dreams. Besides, it’s strange that since you’ve been back here you seem to be sleepwalking and even thought you saw Megan, whether in a dream or in a hallucination triggered by a fever doesn’t make much difference.”

  “Then you believe me?”

  Alice remained silent for a moment and then nodded. “However, I don’t know if you should be happy about that. The thing with the earring is totally weird. Not to mention all the dead.” She shivered uneasily and took a look at the photo in front of her on the table, then picked up the earring. “The thing looks exactly the same. This is too much of a coincidence. The fact that Jake sees it completely differently, that he won’t let you
talk to his mother… that’s suspicious. It’s like he’s hiding something.”

  “Maybe I’m wrong and he meant it completely differently. Why would he want to do something bad to me?”

  “You want to know what I think?”

  “I do.”

  “You’re not going to like it.” Alice looked at Charly questioningly. “Promise you won’t get mad?”

  “Just spit it out, Alice.”

  “Okay, what if Megan, Imogen, and you were together that day? What if her accident was related to you? Didn’t you say you had a terrible fight with Imogen at Jody’s christening? What if she wanted to talk to you about everything? What if whatever happened back then caused her to feel so bad that she wanted to bring it out in the open? Maybe Imo didn’t believe that you have memory gaps? Perhaps she thought you wanted to avoid them and leave her to her own devices.”

  “That doesn’t fit,” Charly said. “If she was mad at me about something like that, why did she want me to raise Jody? Would you trust someone who’d let you down with your child?”

  “Okay.” Alice took another sip. “There’s only one way to find out what’s really going on. In fact, it’s the only way to find out. You have to go to the cliffs. Go inside yourself, listen to yourself. Maybe your subconscious will spit something out. In your dreams it does.”

  Charly reached for her glass, but her hand shook so much at the thought of driving to the rocks in front of Beachy Head that she spilled half of the water. “I can’t do that. Not after what happened to Imo. I just can’t do that.” She held her head in her hands, trying to breathe easy. “Even if I was willing to do that, what would I do with Jody? I can’t take her with me! Her mama’s there…”

  “But you must go,” Alice insisted. “It’s the only way to find out what happened. What do you think about me taking Jody to the zoo in London? You’d have the rest of the day free, and I’d spend a nice afternoon with my niece.”

  “You think that’s going to help me?” Charly asked doubtfully.

  “Do you have a better idea?”

  Charly glanced away. After another look at Alice, she stood up, resolutely tightening her shoulders. “Okay. You are right. I have reached a point where I can no longer lose and can only win.”

  When Jody and Alice came back to the house in the evening, Charly felt completely empty and exhausted. Alice regarded her questioningly, barely noticing her head shaking. After her trip to the cliffs she had desperately needed distraction and had conjured a meal for three out of a hat. Now the house smelled of freshly-fried steak and nuggets for Jody, but the longer she thought about it, the hungrier she felt.

  Then there was the frustration.

  She had parked her car in the public parking lot and walked for two-and-a-half hours along the cliffs to Beachy Head. She then sat down on a bench behind the barrier and stared at the horizon in the mad hope that Alice might be right when she said this place was the key. In between her cell phone had rung, and because she assumed Alice was calling, she had answered without looking, unaware that her furious ex was on the other end of the line. He had complained to her because she had called the cops on him. Andreas had become so abusive that she had no choice but to sever the connection. When she returned to the house that evening, Jake came by shortly after to bring her up to speed on her ex. All in all, it had only added to her confusion. Even Alice found it remarkable that he wanted to get rid of her but also made her feel safe.

  During dinner Charly and Alice avoided the topic and let Jody rave about their zoo adventure. Afterwards they took the girl to the bathtub and talked in whispers outside the door.

  Alice frowned when Charly grumpily explained that her visit to the cliffs hadn’t brought her one step further in understanding. “It was just an attempt, Charly. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time for such a step.”

  After they put Jody to bed, Alice joined Charly for a cup of tea.

  Sitting opposite each other at the kitchen table, sipping their tea, Charly felt a migraine beginning. She moaned softly.

  “What is?” Alice asked. “Are you not feeling well?” As if on command, she stood up and grabbed her purse.

  She rummaged in her bag and handed Charly a strip of pain pills. Then she went out into the hallway. “It’s best to take two of them at once, then you’ll surely sleep well. Are you taking what the doctor prescribed?”

  “Not in the morning. I want to keep a clear head if possible. But in the evenings I’ve been taking them for several days.”

  Alice nodded contentedly and stepped out the front door.

  When her car pulled out of the driveway, Charly’s stomach started to roil. She dragged herself to bed with her last strength.

  During the night Charly was awakened by a disgusting metallic taste in her mouth. Her tongue felt furry, like she had a tuft of hair stuck in her throat. She swallowed repeatedly, longing for a glass of water. She sat up, groaning as the room began to spin. It looked like the virus still had a firm grip on her. She flinched at the dryness in her mouth. A pain, hot and burning as from a pulsating wound, shot from her throat into her head.

  She somehow managed to heave herself up out of bed and stagger into the hallway. She took step by step down to the first floor and was not even surprised that the lights were on everywhere again. Probably because of her migraine the night before, she had forgotten to turn them off. She shuffled into the kitchen, refrained from taking a glass, and greedily drank water from the tap. When she had quenched her thirst, she wanted to go back upstairs to bed, turning off the lights in all the rooms on the way. She pushed open the door to the living room and felt for the switch. As if out of nowhere, she was hit again by a wave of nausea. She stared at the wall above the sofa and opened and closed her mouth. Then she leaned her forehead against the doorframe, enjoying the cool feeling on her skin. When she lifted her head again, she hoped with all her heart that she was dreaming. Someone had scribbled MURDERER in red ink on the stark white wall.

  Charly’s eyes began to burn.

  It was just too much.

  Way too much.

  She stepped into the room, only now noticing that photos were lying around everywhere—on the carpet and on the table. Her heart thundered violently in her chest. Nevertheless, she managed to bravely work her way over to the table, picked up one of the pictures, and her legs buckled underneath her.

  A feeble gasp wrenched itself from her throat, turned into a groan. Then everything went black.

  chapter 17

  Newhaven, June 2015

  “Alice? You have to get here fast. Can you do that?”

  Silence at the other end of the line.

  “Are you there?”

  “What’s wrong, Charly? You sound kind of weird.”

  “Something happened again tonight. There were photos. Everywhere. On the floor and on the table. I can still see them. And someone wrote something on the wall in the living room… I don’t know exactly, maybe I just dreamed it or had a hallucination.” She stifled a sob. “I just can’t go on, do you hear me, Alice? I’m finished.”

  A clearing of the throat. Then a rustle in the line. “I’ll get dressed and then I’ll get into the car right away. I’ll be with you in an hour or so.”

  “Thank you,” Charly whispered into the receiver and ended the conversation. Then she went back into the kitchen and sat down at the table with Jody. The girl hadn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary, because she was already eating her second portion of cereal, playing with her doll on the side. Now and then she threw a smile at Charly, which had a strangely disturbing effect on her this morning. Charly sighed softly. She had come to the conclusion that it would be better if Jody were to stay somewhere else for the time being. But how should she do that? If she told the foster mother and the woman from the care center about her problems, they would take Jody away and put her in a home. Maybe she could ask Alice to take care of the girl for now?

  “I’m done.�
�� Jody ripped her out of her thoughts and climbed down from her chair. “Can I watch TV?”

  Charly felt the touch of a bad conscience. Jody had to feel that Charly was hardly able to do anything else this morning other than sitting around and brooding. Surely that was why she didn’t even think of asking her to play with her or paint something with her.

  Charly stood up and lifted Jody into her arms, carrying her to the living room. “Aunt Alice will come by later,” she told the little girl. “She’s going to take care of you while I go do something. Until she gets here, we’ll look at the Jungle Book together, okay?”

  Jody clapped her little hands enthusiastically, which brought tears of emotion to Charly’s eyes. Determined, she vowed to herself that she would never tear the child out of her environment again and hand her over to strangers. She would do everything she could and respect Imogen’s last wish, no matter what it took. The first step in this direction would be a direct confrontation with her past. She remembered Jake’s warning to stay away from his mother, the sharpness in his voice.

  No matter! As soon as Alice was here, she would go and talk to Jake’s mother. If anyone knew anything about the day of Megan’s death, it was her.

  “So what exactly happened?” Alice asked, sipping her coffee.

  Charly noted how tired she looked. Not only did her “problems” affect Jody, but now she was dragging Alice down with her. She wished she hadn’t overreacted so much.

  “I’m sorry, Alice. You were still sleeping when I called. I’m sure you have to go to work today.”

  “Don’t worry about it.” Alice smiled. “First of all, I’m on night duty, so there’s plenty of time to get some sleep later. Second, I want to find out what happened to my sister just like you.”

  “I remember that I woke up around three o’clock and was terribly thirsty,” said Charly. “I went down to the first floor, had a drink, and then turned off the lights everywhere. It appears that either I forgot to do it before I went to bed or I was sleepwalking. So I went into the living room and that’s when I saw it.”