by Heidi Rice
It was too much.
The red mist that had descended when I had first spotted her smiling at Camaro returned. But this time I welcomed it to smother my fear.
‘And Camaro does?’ I snapped. ‘Our bed is barely cold and you are already sleeping in his?’
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Belle
MY HAND WHIPPED UP of its own accord, Alexi’s snarled words wounding me so deeply the anger surged from nowhere before I could stop it. But as his head reared back in an instinctive reaction to avoid the slap—a reaction I knew he had learned as a boy—my hand dropped back to my side.
I had never hit another human being in my life. And I had almost hit him. The horror of that was almost too much to bear. But as he watched me, his eyes guarded, the fortifying anger returned.
‘You bastard,’ I whispered. ‘You were my first lover and you are my only lover, Alexi.’
His expression changed, going from anger to astonishment, tinged with stunned disbelief. The pain ground into my gut.
Why had I kept my innocence a secret? Why had I ever been ashamed of my lack of experience? Suddenly I didn’t care how vulnerable it made me for him to know he was the only man I had ever wanted... Ever loved.
I had owned the mistakes I’d made—not telling him of Cai’s existence—but he had never owned his. Because I’d never told him the truth. But, if I never did, he would always have this power over me. I would always be less than him. Why shouldn’t I own my feelings, own the love I had for him? If he didn’t want my love, he could reject me again, but I’d be damned if I’d let him ride in and claim my body, make this all about sex when for me if had always been so much more.
‘I’ve never slept with another man,’ I said, gritting the words out. ‘Only you. I’ve never felt for any other man what I feel for you. But that doesn’t mean you own me, not any more.’
I could still see the staggered incredulity in his eyes and my heart shattered in my chest, just as it had a month ago. Just as it had five years ago. For so long I’d despised that foolish girl for her wayward emotions but, as I stared back at him, I didn’t despise her any more. I had been right to feel what I did. The mistake I had made was never to admit it.
Hiding my feelings to protect myself from hurt had only allowed him to hide his too...
‘I’ve just told you I love you, Alexi. That I’ve always loved you. Don’t you have anything to say to me?’
He blinked but then his face became the mask I’d seen so many times before. The mask that kept him safe. I knew that mask, because I’d worn it myself.
‘How can you love me?’ he finally said, sounding shocked now as well as incredulous.
‘Really, that’s all you have to say?’ I said.
When he didn’t speak, I huffed out a sad laugh that tasted bitter on my tongue. I hadn’t expected a return declaration of undying love. But I had hoped for something, despite everything. One burning tear slipped over my lid and trickled down my cheek, his gaze tracking it as I brushed it away. ‘Then I guess there’s nothing more to talk about,’ I murmured.
He didn’t believe me. He didn’t trust me. And now I knew he never would.
I turned to go, keeping my back straight and my legs as steady as I could. But as I took a step away I heard a choked cry.
‘Wait! Stop...’
He grasped my wrist, but this time he didn’t drag me back, only held on to me.
‘Per favore, non andare,’ he rasped. ‘Per favore, non lasciarmi.’
My Italian wasn’t fluent, but I understood him.
Please don’t go. Please don’t leave me.
As I turned, to my shock he dropped to his knees and pressed his forehead against the back of my hand. It was an act of supplication, of penitence so real, so powerful, so naked that the hope I had thought was dead surged back to life, firing through my heart like a phoenix rising from the ashes.
His shoulders shuddered, and for one terrible moment I thought he might be crying. I wasn’t looking at the man any more, I realised, I was looking at the boy, who had been abandoned all those years ago by a woman who should have loved him but hadn’t loved him enough.
I sunk to my knees too, the marble cold against my shins as I gripped his face. His hard jaw flexed against my fingers as I lifted his head, the sheen of moisture in his eyes piercing my heart.
‘It’s okay, Alexi, I won’t leave you,’ I said. ‘If you need me to stay.’
His breath shuddered out on a rasp of relief and he gathered me close, squeezing my ribs, my heart pummelling my chest so hard I was sure he could feel it.
‘I do... I need you so much,’ he whispered, his voice raw as he spread kisses over my cheeks, my lips, my neck, worshipping me with his mouth. ‘I always have. Forgive me for never admitting it,’ he said as he drew back, cradling my face to stare into my eyes, all the love in my heart reflected in the warm blue depths of his. He sighed, the shudder of breath reverberating through my body as he gathered me close, stroked my hair and held me to his heart as if he would never let me go.
‘I was so scared to love you,’ he said, his voice breaking. ‘So scared that if I did I would lose you, the way I lost my mother. The way I lost Remy. The way I lost you when I turned you away. Can you ever forgive me?’
I pulled out of his embrace, the tears streaming down my cheeks now unbidden. But they were no longer tears of sadness, of heartache, they were tears of love. ‘There is nothing to forgive,’ I said, my voice thick with the happy tears.
A small drop escaped his own eye, but even as he scrubbed it away with his fist the emotion behind it pierced my heart.
It was a tear for us both, of sadness for all that we had suffered, for all that we had lost. And a tear of joy, for all that we had gained and would continue to gain. Together.
‘There is much to forgive,’ he said, but the wry smile that lifted his lips only intensified the joy. ‘But I intend to spend the rest of my life making it up to you.’
Standing up, he offered me his hand. I took it and let him haul me off the cold stone and into his arms. The insistent heat rose to match the warm glow in my heart.
‘If you will let me?’ he asked, his hands settling on my waist as his gaze searched my face, still a little unsure, still so naked with need.
Love spread through me like wildfire—for this damaged, determined, indomitable man.
‘Of course I will,’ I said as I flung my arms over his broad shoulders and let his soft laugh wrap around my heart.
EPILOGUE
Three months later
Alexi
THE WINTER SUN warmed my face as I stood beside my brother’s grave with Belle’s hand gripped tightly in mine and our son perched on my hip. I had never had the courage to return to this place until today, scared the immense sadness—and the terrible guilt over Remy’s death that had crippled me for so long—would return.
The deep, aching loss was still there, of course, as I knew it always would be, but I didn’t feel hollow and empty any more. The hole in my heart was tempered by joy. Not just the remembered joy of being Remy’s brother, but the new joy of being Cai’s father and the all-consuming joy of becoming, as of an hour ago, Belle’s husband.
I still missed my brother, I always would, and I knew Belle would too. Her slender body in the seductive white velvet wedding gown she had worn in the chapel as she’d pledged herself to me did nothing to stem the shudder of emotion running through her as her green eyes met mine. Her hand squeezed my fingers tight. Sweetly reassuring but also life-affirming.
‘Who are we meeting here, Daddy?’ Cai asked, his inquisitive blue eyes and that dimpled smile making my heart skip a beat. ‘I can’t see anyone.’
‘We can’t meet him, Cai,’ I said, my voice rough as the sense of loss sharpened. I cleared my throat, determined finally to introduce my son to his uncle, the way I
should have done months ago.
I knelt beside the grave, placing Cai gently on his feet to point out the grave stone. ‘Because sadly Remy, my brother and your uncle, isn’t here with us any more. But this is where he is buried. I thought we could come to his grave and say hello to him. Today is a very special day for us all because you and your mummy became Galantis.’
The surge of pride that had hit me earlier, when Belle had said, ‘I do,’ and Cai had leapt into my arms after our kiss, made my chest ache all over again. ‘And Remy is a Galanti too.’
‘Remy is my extra name,’ Cai said, looking thoughtful.
‘I know,’ I replied. ‘Your mummy gave you that name because she loved Remy too, just like I did.’
‘Where did he go, Daddy?’
I heard Belle cough and sniff, and guessed the emotion was probably choking her the way it was choking me. But I sent her a smile and squeezed her fingers back.
‘I’ve got this,’ I mouthed at her.
‘He went to Heaven,’ I said to our son. ‘But I know he would have loved to meet you.’
Cai wrapped his small arm around my neck and stared at the grave stone. ‘Did he like racing cars, like I do?’
I let out a raw chuckle, the feel of his sturdy body beside mine—so trusting, so affectionate—making the emotion thicken my throat again. ‘He liked racing cars the best of all, just like you do.’
‘Will he come back? So I can show him my racing cars?’ Cai asked.
I shook my head, not quite able to speak. ‘No,’ I managed at last. ‘He can’t come back. But he’s here.’ I pressed a hand to my heart. ‘Always, just like you and Mummy are. Because I loved him very much, just the way I love you two.’
I scrubbed away the tear that slipped over my lid, but then I heard Belle stifle a sob.
Cai’s head whipped around. ‘Why are you crying, Mummy?’ he asked. ‘Are you sad?’
Belle shook her head, wiping her tears away with the heel of her hand as she sent us both a radiant smile. My heart expanded even more than it had an hour ago when she had walked down the aisle towards me in the stunning dress and Cai had skipped behind her, throwing petals around as if they were grenades.
‘I’m sad and happy at the same time,’ she said.
Cai giggled. ‘That’s silly, Mummy.’
‘I know,’ she said. Her eyes connected with mine over our son’s head, the teary smile becoming tender. ‘I’m sad that Remy isn’t here, but happy that he’ll always be with us in our hearts. And I know he would be so happy that we have each other...’ She pressed a hand to her stomach, the way I’d noticed her do several times in the past week. ‘And that we’re going to have a new Galanti baby to join us in eight months’ time.’
‘What...?’ I croaked, the joy and shock blindsiding me as Cai began to dance with excitement.
‘You made me a baby brother with all your kissing!’ Cai shouted. ‘Just like Imran’s mummy and daddy.’
Belle
‘Yes, we did, Cai-baby, although we don’t know yet if it’s a brother or a sister,’ I said to our son, who looked ecstatic as I grinned at Alexi’s look of shock and awe.
I hadn’t intended to tell Cai or him today. I’d only taken the test this morning to confirm my suspicions, and I was still reeling from the news myself.
The wedding preparations had been insane in the last few months after Alexi had insisted in Milan we marry as soon as possible. It must have happened during one of the many stolen moments we’d shared—in the shower, on the balcony, by the pool at night, and even one memorable moment at the test track in Nice after the rest of the staff had left for the evening—while frantically juggling our careers, family commitments and the wedding preparations.
We must have jumped the gun before the contraception I had started taking had become fully safe. We hadn’t planned this, hadn’t spoken about having another child, yet. But we had spoken about having another child eventually. Alexi was such a brilliant father, and we had both agreed we didn’t want Cai to be an only child.
But hearing Alexi speak about Remy, standing over his grave, had just made it seem like the right moment to share the news. Why was I keeping it a secret? I’d married the man of my dreams today, and while I’d said my vows to my husband I’d felt Remy’s presence by my side and had heard his voice in my head, laughing and saying, It’s about damn time you finally kept your promise to me, bellisima.
‘If I have a sister, can she play racing cars with me?’ Cai asked, swivelling his head between the two of us.
‘Of course she can,’ Alexi said as he rose to his feet—still looking a little shell-shocked. But then he leaned close, gripping my cheeks with his usual confidence while sandwiching our son between us.
The broad smile that spread across Alexi’s impossibly handsome features made my chest feel tight as Cai wriggled furiously and started to giggle.
‘Galanti girls like racing cars too,’ Alexi said to our son as he wriggled free. ‘And I’ve got the bestest Galanti girl of all,’ Alexi whispered against my mouth, before wrapping his arms around me and lifting me off my feet.
He swung me around, to Cai’s delight—and a spontaneous laugh burst out of my mouth to match the joy I could no longer contain bursting in my heart.
Coming next month
THE SECRET KEPT FROM THE KING
Clare Connelly
‘No.’ He held onto her wrist as though he could tell she was about to run from the room. ‘Stop.’
Her eyes lifted to his and she jerked on her wrist so she could lift her fingers to her eyes and brush away her tears. Panic was filling her, panic and disbelief at the mess she found herself in.
‘How is this upsetting to you?’ he asked more gently, pressing his hands to her shoulders, stroking his thumbs over her collarbone. ‘We agreed at the hotel that we could only have two nights together, and you were fine with that. I’m offering you three months, on exactly those same terms, and you’re acting as though I’ve asked you to parade naked through the streets of Shajarah.’
‘You’re ashamed of me,’ she said simply. ‘In New York we were two people who wanted to be together. What you’re proposing turns me into your possession.’
He stared at her, his eyes narrowed. ‘The money I will give you is beside the point.’
More tears sparkled on her lashes. ‘Not to me it’s not.’
‘Then don’t take the money,’ he said, urgently. ‘Come to the RKH and be my lover because you want to be with me.’
‘I can’t.’ Tears fell freely down her face now. ‘I need that money. I need it.’
A muscle jerked in his jaw. ‘So have both.’
‘No, you don’t understand.’
She was a live wire of panic but she had to tell him, so that he understood why his offer was so revolting to her. She pulled away from him, pacing towards the windows, looking out on this city she loved. The trees at Bryant Park whistled in the fall breeze and she watched them for a moment, remembering the first time she’d seen them. She’d been a little girl, five, maybe six, and her dad had been performing at the restaurant on the fringes of the park. She’d worn her Very Best dress, and, despite the heat, she’d worn tights that were so loz uncomfortable she could vividly remember that feeling now. But the park had been beautiful and her dad’s music had, as always, filled her heart with pleasure and joy.
Sariq was behind her now, she felt him, but didn’t turn to look at him.
‘I’m glad you were so honest with me today.’ Her voice was hollow. ‘It makes it easier for me, in a way, because I know exactly how you feel, how you see me, and what you want from me.’ Her voice was hollow, completely devoid of emotion when she had a thousand throbbing inside her.
He said nothing. He didn’t try to deny it. Good. Just as she’d said, it was easier when things were black and white.
‘I don’t want money so I can attend the Juilliard
, Your Highness.’ It pleased her to use his title, to use that as a point of difference, to put a line between them that neither of them could cross.
Silence. Heavy, loaded with questions. And finally, ‘Then what do you need such a sum for?’
She bit down on her lip, her tummy squeezing tight. ‘I’m pregnant. And you’re the father.’
Continue reading
THE SECRET KEPT FROM THE KING
Clare Connelly
Available next month
Copyright ©2020 by Clare Connelly
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