It was over.
And I was heartbroken.
Again.
Chapter 28
Ivy
My reflection in the mirror was a horrid mess: eyes, red and puffy from crying all afternoon. I held ice cubes to the swollen skin, knowing I needed to bring down the swelling if I ever wanted to go out in public again. How did I allow myself to get to the point where I cared more than Sawyer did?
Desperation. I’d been desperate to find love again.
I’d skipped classes for the day; not something I had ever done before. Sammie would fly back late in the afternoon and I needed some time alone before she got home. I was angry and hurt and more than a little bitter.
To bring me up so high with the birthday dinner and then let me crash and burn two days later was just . . . cruel. As more tears streamed down my cheeks, I got back into bed and pulled the covers over my head.
I woke later to Sammie tapping me on the shoulder.
“I’m back. Wake up.”
Rolling over to face her, I ran a hand over my eyes, still groggy from sleep.
“Whoa, you look—what happened?”
I sat up in bed and wiped my eyes. “Sawyer broke up with me. Actually, he fired me and pretty much cut all ties between us.”
Her eyes widened. “On your birthday?”
“No, he threw a beautiful, romantic birthday dinner at the pond, and then he fired me today.”
“That doesn’t make sense. What happened?”
“He wouldn’t even face me—locked me out of the house. Had Mr. Jeffries call with the bad news. He said Sawyer didn’t think it was working out between us, and he wanted to replace me with someone else.”
“I can’t believe he did that.”
“Apparently, he had second thoughts about having a relationship with me.”
Sammie pinched her lips together. “There are so many things I want to call him right now but I’m trying to remember Ephesians 4:29: ‘let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth.’” Her tone was lethal.
“He said early on he planned on firing me. I guess I shouldn’t be so shocked.”
“You have every right to be surprised after what happened between the two of you. And there is no excuse for shutting you out like that.” She put her hands on her hips. “There’s something wrong with him.”
I nodded, and somewhere deep inside, I feared she was right. He had a lot of emotional baggage and it had clearly affected his ability to communicate. “He was wrong in the way he went about firing me, but I was stupid for letting myself believe he actually cared.”
“But, from what you’ve told me, he was very straightforward about his feelings. Something about this doesn’t fit. Maybe he was scared of getting too close.”
“Perhaps, but why did he have to be so harsh about it? This whole thing is so confusing. The best I can come up with is I allowed myself to believe he cared more than he does. It’s disheartening that in the last five months two men discarded me.” I wiped tears off my face. “There must be something wrong with me.”
“Don’t even go down that road, Ivy. There’s nothing wrong with you.” She grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to look at her. “I’m serious. You’re beautiful inside and out.” She released me and paced from one end of my bedroom to the next. “Something doesn’t add up here. It’s not normal for a guy to go all out and then—”
“He has plenty of money to throw around. It probably meant nothing to him.”
But a part of me didn't believe that. Sawyer had acted like he cared—he'd seemed invested.
“Maybe . . . but I bet he still has feelings for you, and something made him push you away. Did you talk about anything during dinner that could have triggered his response?”
“I invited him to come home with me during the Christmas break. It must have pushed him over the edge.”
“Did he seem freaked out?”
“Not really. But he did say he wasn’t ready. We didn’t discuss it long.”
“Well, don’t let this get you down. If God wants you to be together, He’ll make it happen.” She walked over to the bed and reached down to give me a hug. “And if not, then trust that Sawyer isn’t the one for you.”
She was right. I needed to take a step back and see the situation for what it was. I’d fooled myself, mistaking attraction for love. But even though I wanted desperately for my heart to follow logic, I couldn’t move past the throbbing ache in my chest.
Sammie clasped her hands together, a glint of an idea sparking in her eyes. “You know what you need right now? A good old-fashioned girl party.”
“I’m not interested.”
“It’ll help—trust me. I was thinking along the lines of pajamas, ice cream, and girl-talk.”
A few hours later Sky arrived with three tubs of Blue Bell ice cream. We each sat cross-legged on the floor of the living room with spoons, eating directly out of our own cartons.
An hour earlier, I’d thrown the truffle away. I’d even taken the trash to the big dumpster in the back of the apartment complex so I wouldn’t be tempted to pull it out. I loved chocolate, but the gift seemed fake now.
“Oh, this chocolate chip is so good,” I said, mouth half-full. At that moment, I didn’t care how many calories I ate. I just wanted the pain to go away.
“Today we splurge,” Sammie said. “Tomorrow we can go back to eating healthy.” She giggled. “Hmmm. This pecan pralines is to die for. I may not be on a diet, but I will be after I finish this off.”
In between bites, I caught Sky up on what happened. She’d heard bits and pieces about Sawyer over the last two months but hadn’t heard the latest.
“So let me get this straight,” Sky said. “The guy held your hand all night after creating this romantic dinner for two, and then two days later locked you out for no apparent reason?” She shook her head in disbelief. “What a weirdo.”
I frowned. “He’s not weird. Just—”
“Mean,” Sammie finished.
“He had a huge attitude when I first met him. But after he let his guard down, I realized he wasn’t a bad guy. In fact, he has a kind heart; he does a lot to reach out.” I filled them in on what he’d done for his staff, as well as the Connor family, who’d lost their home.
“I remember you telling me about the Connor family,” Sammie said. “He obviously knows how to be generous, but what he did to you was unacceptable.”
I put my spoon down. “He tends to see people as adversaries and pushes them away. I think it goes back to when a group of kids bullied his brother at school, and he couldn’t protect him.”
“Wait. He had to deal with bullying?” Sky asked. “That really messes with your head.”
Sammie and I both looked at her. Something about the way she’d said that made me pause. Had her lip trembled?
“Why do you say that?” Sammie asked.
She glanced down and played with a loose thread on the carpet. “I dealt with bullies in high school and it changed me. Made me less trusting of people.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked.
She stared down at her hands and shook her head. “Let the past stay in the past.” She smiled weakly. “I’m not making excuses for what he did, but it sounds like some horrific things really hurt him, and people who’ve gone through the type of things you said he went through don’t often recover so easily. It’s not as if you can wake up one day and say, ‘Everything’s great and I’m ready to move on with my life.’ It’s not that effortless.”
Sammie gave Sky a side-hug. “Sounds like you had a rough time.”
Sky’s eyes watered, and she blinked. “Yeah, some tough things happened to me.” Her eyes filled with compassion as she studied me. “You know what we should do right now?”
“What?” I asked.
“Let's pray about this situation with Sawyer.”
I wiped a stray tear away and nodded. As I looked at my two friends who stayed with me in my hour of need, I f
elt thankful they’d stood by me. The three of us joined hands and prayed, asking for God’s comfort and that He’d grant me wisdom on how to deal with this new turn of events.
Psalm 34:18 came to mind: The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
It had been a Psalm Sawyer and I recited together at my interview, and it would get me through this. The one gem in the midst of this dark and ugly situation was learning to draw closer to the Lord. He would never fail me.
After spending time with Sammie and Sky, I headed to my room and got down on one knee by my bedside.
Lord, you promised to be close. My heart is shattered and I can't pick up the pieces on my own. I need you now, more than ever. Help me to figure this out.
As I stood and hooked my cell up to the charger, I remembered the two notifications I hadn’t read yet. I opened the messages and they were both from Mom.
Ivy, I’m sorry we argued about Sawyer on your birthday. I should have waited to bring it up. Call me.
There was a second one: I’m concerned he’s having a negative influence on you, but I trust your judgment. Call me so we can talk.
Looking at the time stamp, I realized she must have sent them the day of my birthday after I’d lost my phone. Letting out a sigh, I got into bed and texted her, informing her that I’d lost my phone but had it back. I told her I loved her, thanked her for trusting me, and promised to call soon. I didn’t have the heart to tell her what happened.
***
I’d gone to bed with a small measure of peace, but the next morning, I woke with a groan. Sleep made one forget the harsh realities of life, but the first moment upon waking—that was brutal.
How many more mornings like this would I have?
None of it had been a dream.
It was real.
The pain washed through me like tiny needle pricks.
There’d been no closure, no goodbye. I’d probably never talk to him again. Tears sprung to my eyes and my breath hitched.
My last check remained unopened on the nightstand next to my bed. I hadn’t given it attention, knowing that depositing the money would make it all so final. But I had to pay rent and buy groceries, so I couldn’t put it off any longer.
I lifted up in bed and ripped the envelope, hands trembling. To my shock, a letter sat inside, taunting me with its presence. I held my breath, almost afraid to touch it. When I pulled it out, my heart pounded furiously.
Dear Ivy,
You must hate me right now. What I did was unforgivable—I know that. I had my reasons—reasons you probably wouldn’t understand, so I won’t mention them here. What does matter is I will never forget the times we had together. I have every confidence that one day you will meet the love of your life and forget all about me.
I included enough in your final paycheck to cover the rest of the year, plus extra for the trip to Paris. Let me know when you want to fly out and I’ll make the arrangements.
Sawyer
A lump caught in my throat. He believed I would go on to meet the love of my life. That meant he didn’t think it was him. Like a dagger, his words stabbed my heart with such ferocity it felt like I was bleeding out.
I pulled out the check and gasped, letting it fall in a flurry to the floor. Seventy-five thousand dollars. He’d given me seventy-five thousand dollars. I sat for half a minute, trying to wrap my head around the concept that he would give me so much money.
Why would he do that? He could have kept me on and paid the same amount over time. It was like a slap in the face when I clued in to what that actually meant.
He really wanted me gone.
It was a payoff. He was making room for Madison to be in his life, so he needed me out of the way. And seventy-five thousand dollars was supposed to make it okay. But it wasn’t okay, not after the things we’d said to each other. Not without a reasonable explanation.
The reality was, I’d come to value him much more than any job. I had just wanted him in my life. But that wasn’t possible now.
If he thought he would make everything okay by giving me a large sum of money instead of communicating, he was wrong. Sawyer should have known better than to try to buy my goodwill. I wasn't the type of person who could be bought.
The trip to Paris left a sour taste in my mouth. How could I ever enjoy it now? I would think of him the entire time. Thank goodness, I hadn’t mentioned it to Sammie. I didn’t want to disappoint her, but there was no way I’d stay in one of his hotels. Someday Sammie and I would raise enough to pay for the trip ourselves.
As far as Sawyer's check, I would never accept his payoff. It would be a statement that I valued money over relationships and that just wasn’t true.
Before I changed my mind, I ripped up the hotel voucher and then wrote a response.
Dear Sawyer,
You broke my heart. I hope you’re satisfied knowing you tore my heart out and stomped it to pieces.
I crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash. Why bother? It wouldn’t change anything. I started again.
Dear Sawyer,
I can’t accept your money.
Ivy
Short and simple was best before I said something stupid and embarrassed myself.
I walked out to the mailbox and dropped off the letter with the check enclosed. Afterwards, I felt better knowing I had a certain amount of dignity left. Finding a new job was next on my list.
When I returned to my room, I noticed a missed call from Austin. Strange. I hadn’t spoken to him in months. Not since the break-up, actually. We’d followed each other on Facebook and Instagram, but that had been it. When I’d first arrived in Alabama he’d wanted to rekindle a friendship, but I’d been slow to respond even though I’d kept an eye on his social media. It had been a long time since I’d checked up on him since Sawyer had made me forget all about him. I played back the voicemail.
Hey Ivy, it’s been a while. I was hoping you’d answer your phone. Really wanted to talk to you. I . . . made a mistake. I should never have broken up with you. We had something good and I let it slip away because I was attracted to a pair of hot legs.
He chuckled, and everything inside me cringed.
That was dumb. You tried hard to lose weight and I should have supported you more. Tina wasn’t what I thought she’d be. I’m going to make it up to you. Call me.
Chapter 29
Ivy
Two days after I’d received Austin’s voicemail, a check from Sawyer arrived—the same one I’d already returned.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t consider keeping the money for half a second. Of course, I wanted it. But taking it would make me feel . . . pathetic.
For two months I tried to help Sawyer make changes in his life. I hadn’t even considered that I also needed to change. It took heartache—first Austin and then Sawyer—for me to take a good look in the mirror. I was done being a push-over.
I would still strive to be the nice, sweet Ivy everyone recognized. But the new Ivy, she wouldn’t let men walk over her.
That man should never have played with my heart. I ripped up the check and returned the pieces without a letter of explanation. None was needed.
Several days later, I got the job back at Casie’s Bar and Grill. It took serious groveling since I’d bowed out the last time, but the manager liked me and gave me another chance. I didn’t have the same flexibility that I had with Sawyer, but my coworkers seemed nice, and I was thankful God provided the opportunity when I needed it most.
I never called Austin back. My heart wasn't in it. No one knew about his voicemail, not even Sammie. I debated what to do. Not that I planned on striking up a friendship with him—that was the furthest thing from my mind.
Three days later I received another letter from Sawyer with a new check for seventy-five thousand dollars.
Dear Ivy,
Don’t underestimate my resolve. You earned every last cent. I know you’re angry, but don’t refuse what belongs to you. I promi
sed myself I’d look after you. Please stop resisting and take the money.
Sawyer
Now it was a matter of principle. I could have easily taken out the portion he still owed me, but the thought of doing that sickened me. I penned a new letter.
Dear Sawyer,
You don’t owe me anything.
Ivy
I mailed the letter and check the same afternoon.
Two weeks after Sawyer fired me, a florist arrived at my door, delivering a bouquet of orange and yellow carnations. They fit inside a pumpkin-like vase and had a somewhat cheerful appearance—or tacky, depending on which angle I viewed them from. When I checked the card, they were from Austin. The note only said, “Call me.”
If he wanted me to call, he could have done better than that. I’d always hated carnations, and I’m sure I’d told him at some point. Obviously, he hadn't listened.
Mom’s voice rang inside my head. It’s the thought that counts. I countered her voice with: Some thoughts are best put to rest.
I had a sinking suspicion Mom gave Austin my address. She didn’t know the whole story—I hadn’t mentioned he cheated—and she probably hoped it would take my focus off Sawyer. She wasn't thrilled about Sawyer’s reclusive behavior. But she also didn’t understand the depth of my feelings for him.
She and I hadn’t spoken since our disagreement on my birthday. I knew I should call, but I didn’t want to hear “I told you so” even though she had been right. She tried to tell me you can’t change people, only I’d refused to listen. I determined to call her as soon as things settled down.
The mail arrived and with it, another letter and check from Sawyer. Would the man ever stop?
The Unwanted Assistant Page 22