by Del, Lissa
Dylan scoops the puppy up and follows Nick up the stairs before anyone can change their mind.
“You too, Jesse, you’ve got school tomorrow,” I say.
Jesse comes over to me, his arms slipping around my shoulders. For a second, I feel like the child, tiny and fragile in his arms. His dark hair tickles my face and I breathe it in, inhaling him into my chest, into my soul.
He stays that way for a long moment, his fingers stroking my back. “I love you, Mom.”
I feel the familiar pinch in my chest.
“I love you too, Jesse Knight.”
37
Nick
I pull into the sweeping drive of Arcadia – a residential estate that Danvers Inc. was fortunate enough to secure the interior design contract for – and feel a familiar thrill. The development is still in its infancy, nothing but bare structures and tarmac, fake lawn and sapling trees, and my mind reels with the creative possibility. I love what I do – or, at least, I love the part of it where I’m presented with a blank canvas to fill with colour and texture. This development is a massive undertaking, one that will pour a vast profit into the business, but it’s also the most excited I’ve been about a job in forever. The financial investor is a delightful man, nearing retirement, who wants to leave a legacy behind. He and I have similar ideas, a rustic, not-too-stylised approach, much to the dismay of the chief developer, who’s a prize prick.
I get out of the car to find them both waiting for me at the main doors of the lifestyle centre.
“Nick!” Old man Hadley greets me warmly, his dry, mottled hand encasing mine. Greg, the developer, has a handshake like a limp fish.
“Did you bring them?” Mr Hadley asks, rubbing his hands together as he eyes the laptop bag in my hand.
“I did. I’m hoping you’ll like what you see, but please remember this is just a starting point. Everything is open to change and your opinion is my priority.” I follow them through to the open- plan office that is being used as a base and boot up my laptop on the desk. I can feel Greg bristling beside me as I open the design files. I’ve poured so much of myself into this project, but, without Evie beside me, offering her silent support and approval as she has so many times in the past, I feel the self-doubt trickling in.
Mr Hadley and Greg remain silent while I talk them through my presentation, explaining the reasoning behind the design, the overall feel of it. I’m starting to get into my stride, my confidence returning, my passion for the work overcoming everything else, when my phone rings.
“My apologies,” I mutter, pulling it from my pocket. “I thought I’d set it to silent.”
I glance at the screen and frown. It’s Evie. She and Kat were fetching the kids from school so I didn’t have to rush and taking them to see a movie. They should all be in the cinema right now. She shouldn’t be calling. Greg clears his throat but Mr Hadley waves his hand at my concerned expression.
“By all means, Nick, take it. We can wait.”
Greg opens his mouth to contradict that statement but I’ve already lifted the phone to my ear. The first words out of Evie’s mouth send a jolt of fear through me.
“Jesse’s missing!”
It’s so unbelievable that I’m incapable of speech.
“Nick!”
Her panic jolts my tongue into action. “Evie, what do you mean he’s missing? Where are you?”
“Still at the school. We thought maybe he had been delayed or that he had practice and forgot to tell us, but we’ve searched everywhere. He’s not here.”
Time seems to slow down as my heart-rate speeds up. I can hear Greg’s fingers drumming on the table, hear Casey’s crying down the line, Evie’s rasping breath.
“Nick?”
“Nick?”
Evie and Mr Hadley speak as one. I drag my eyes upward to find the old man gazing at me, his eyes shimmering with compassion.
“Go,” he says.
I stand there, helplessly, not moving, until Evie’s frantic voice calls my name again. I don’t need any further prompting. I snatch up my laptop, nod once at Mr Hadley and rush for the door, the phone still pressed against my ear.
“I’m on my way,” I say, yanking open my car door. I toss my laptop unceremoniously onto the passenger seat. My precious designs no longer seem to hold any value. “Have you checked all the bathrooms?”
“We’ve looked everywhere. He’s not here, Nick.”
“Okay, look, let’s not panic yet. Maybe he got a ride home. Go home, check the house. I’ll meet you there, I’m only twenty minutes away.”
I make it home in fifteen minutes. Kat’s car is in the drive, the passenger door open, and, even from here I can hear Evie’s voice calling through the house. She collides with me at the base of the stairs, her knuckles white as she clutches my arms.
“He’s not here.”
“Where are Casey and Dylan?”
“Kat’s got them out back.”
I look over her shoulder, through the patio doors. “Stay here, I’ll be back in a minute.”
My heart is hammering and my mouth has gone as dry as chalk, but I keep my face composed as I walk out onto the patio to face my children.
“Hey guys!”
Dylan is slumped on Evie’s lounger, his eyes red-rimmed, his jaw trembling. Casey, who is easier to distract, is sitting at the edge of the pool with Kat, her feet trailing in the crystal water. She only waves when she sees me, unperturbed, and I give Kat a discreet nod before I move over to crouch beside Dylan.
“Hey champ.”
“Where’s Jesse?” he asks, his mouth twisting in an effort to fight the tears.
“I’m not sure buddy, but I’m sure he’ll be home soon. He’s probably gone home with a friend and forgotten to tell us about it.”
Dylan nods, jaw still slightly clenched.
I spare the time to give him a hug, long enough to make it count, not too long that he unravels. “Your mom and I are going to find him, okay, buddy? You stay here with Kat and we’ll be back soon. Can you do that?”
Another stiff nod. It’s the best I’m going to get. My eyes meet Kat’s and she gives me a reassuring smile, letting me know that she’s got this – that she’s got them.
Back inside, I find Evie bent over the kitchen table.
“What are you doing?” I ask. Long gone are the days when Jesse used to hide under there while Evie and I pretended we couldn’t find him.
She straightens, her eyes narrowed, then walks around the island, her eyes scanning the floor.
“What is it?” I ask. Something’s bothering her, and I know her well enough to trust her instinct. If she’s not rushing from the house to continue the search, she must have a damn good reason.
“The dog,” she says eventually, after a cursory peek into the living-room. “Where the hell is the damned dog?”
Discovering that Guinevere is missing is both a relief and a conundrum. There’s no doubt that Jesse and the pup are together, but where the hell are they?
We search the park, hoping that perhaps Jesse took Guinevere for a walk, but other than the exhausted mother pushing her twins on the swings to a chorus of “Higher, Mommy, higher” the park is empty.
Evie’s hands are in a state of constant movement, ceaseless fidgeting that only gets worse as we drive with no destination. “Where is he, Nick? Where the hell is he?”
38
Julia
I hover my mouse over the submit button on my computer screen. I’m not sure why I even hesitated in the first place, but now that I have, I can’t seem to bring my fingers to perform that final click, the one that will enrol me for the upcoming semester. This is what you want, my brain urges. My heart stays my hand, frozen in limbo over the mouse.
I don’t know why I’m hesitating, but it probably has to do with the fact that this commitment will mean the end of any hope I may have of returning to work for the Danvers, of going back to being their nanny, which is ludicrous considering everything that’s happened.
I couldn’t go back now even if I wanted to, even though the pain of losing them has become bad enough to send my traitor’s heart to purgatory. I could bury my feelings for Nick so deep inside of me that I would never again be at risk of betraying his family.
I am so lost in thought that I almost fall of my chair with fright at the sudden knock on the door. I open it, part-relieved and part-annoyed at facing yet another distraction to keep me from pressing that button. My eyes find only empty space, and then, as they trail down toward the ground, I discover a mop of unruly dark hair, a pair of guilty blue eyes and a wriggling yellow Lab at Jesse’s feet.
“Jesse, what are you doing here?” I ask, ushering him and the puppy inside.
“I wanted to see you,” he replies, “to show you our new puppy.” He lifts the Lab and shoves her toward me. It’s another distraction, one cleverly disguised, for an almost eleven-year-old, but I’m not fooled.
“Do your parents know you’re here?”
He blushes. Shakes his head.
“Oh, Jesse!” I glance at my watch. “How did you get here?”
“I caught the bus.”
“From school?” I frown. I don’t recall a bus service that comes all the way out here direct from the school.
“I… I went home first to fetch Guinevere.”
“Guinevere?” I take in the puppy’s adorable, sad face, and a moment to appreciate the name before I’m brought back to reality. “You walked home from school?”
He nods. “Do you like her?” Another delay tactic, but I’m not biting.
“Jesse, your parents must be worried sick about you.” I deposit the puppy on the floor. “I’m going to call them.”
His face falls as I find Evie’s number in my contacts list.
“Could you… could you ask them if I could stay for a while?”
“Let me just let them know you’re safe,” I say. “We can talk after.”
I leave him in the kitchen and step out into the garden, sliding the door closed behind me. The garden fence isn’t secure and I don’t want the puppy getting out onto the road.
My hand trembles in time with the monotonous dial tone in my ear. Evie answers on the third ring, her voice breathless, panicked.
“Julia?”
“Hi, Evie…” I don’t get any further.
“Is he with you?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, thank God.” Her relief is palpable, even over the phone. I hear Nick’s deep voice in the background as Evie relays that information and then she’s back. “We’re coming over.”
I boil the kettle and fix Jesse a sandwich while we wait. He slumps over his plate, absent-mindedly feeding bite-sized pieces of his crust to Guinevere, who runs in circles around his chair. I’m mopping up her second accident when I hear the car pull up outside and my heart forgets how to beat.
Evie erupts into the room like a mini-hurricane. She rushes right up to Jesse and pulls him off his chair, half-strangling him in her arms as she clutches him to her. I’m glad she’s not looking at me because I feel my face drain of colour at the sight of her. She’s thin – so thin, and her face is grey, a washed-out version of the woman I last saw only a little over two months ago. I am so focused on Evie that it takes me a while to register that I’m being watched. Nick is standing in the doorway, his eyes on me, a smile, so infinitely sad, on his beautiful face that my heart slams against the bars of the cell I sent it to.
And then he turns to where Jesse is being held in a vice-like grip by a sobbing Evie. He crosses the room in two determined strides and wraps his arms around them both. I feel like a stranger in my own home, an intruder on this private moment, so I slip through the door again to wait in the garden.
Evie finds me first. I wait for the onslaught that I’m expecting, for her to take her anger and her fear out on me, but she doesn’t. Instead, she walks right up to me and pulls me into a hug that is far too strong for someone so frail. I hug her back, a sob rising in my chest. God, I’ve missed her.
“I’m sorry,” I mumble into her shoulder.
“It’s not your fault,” she half-laughs while her hand rubs my back. She couldn’t possibly know that I’m sorry for so much more than Jesse coming here without permission. I’m sorry for kissing Nick, I’m sorry for abandoning her when she needed me most, and most of all I’m sorry that she’s sick, that she’s going to die and there’s not a damned thing any one of us can do about it.
“Can we talk?” Evie asks, after a time.
I nod and lead her to the peeling garden chair which is slowly disappearing into the sea of weeds that have taken advantage of my dad’s new job to lay claim to our tiny garden.
Evie doesn’t waste any time. We’ve barely sat down when she speaks. “I want you to come back.”
“Evie…”
“No, hear me out, please. I’m not above using my condition to blackmail you, but I’d rather you came willingly, so let me speak.” It’s such a remarkably Evie thing to say that I laugh, but her next words wipe the smile from my face. “You’re in love with Nick.”
My mouth works but no sound comes out.
“I’m right, aren’t I?”
I cannot deny it, but my eyes fill with new tears.
“That’s why you left?” she prompts gently. She fixes me with that intent glare until I dip my head in confirmation.
“I’m so sorry. I never meant to…”
“Of course you didn’t.”
“For what it’s worth, nothing happened. Nothing… we didn’t…”
“Sleep together?” She’s trying to be nonchalant but I can see it, the pain shimmering below the surface.
I nod again, my cheeks flaming.
“I know.”
“You see, then, why I can’t come back?”
“No.”
“No?” I blink in confusion.
She picks at the flaking paint on the bench. Beneath it the wood is faded and lifeless. “Whatever happened, it wasn’t your fault. Not yours, not Nick’s.”
“How can you say that? It was my fault. I let myself fall for…”
“No!” Evie insists, her eyes clouding over. “You didn’t do anything.” I rear back, hurt and confused and more than a little concerned about her mental state of mind, but Evie continues, her eyes holding mine. “It wasn’t your fault, Julia, because it was mine.”
39
Evie
Telling Julia the truth is both cathartic and crippling. Admitting what I’ve done was always my last resort, and doing so now forces me to accept that it’s almost time. My body is failing, slipping away from me without care or consequence and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I feel like I’ve spent the past few months on a rollercoaster which has finally begun its last descent, hurtling downhill, gaining speed and momentum. I have no brakes. There’s nothing left to do but crash.
Julia listens, pale-faced and trembling, like a leaf that could be swept away by the wind at any second. It’s impossible to tell what she’s thinking, what she’s feeling, because she has completely shut herself down, her face betraying nothing, giving nothing away.
When I’m done, I rest my hands in my lap, take a deep breath and wait. There’s nothing more I can say. I’ve bared my heart and soul. It’s up to her now.
“You…” Julia’s voice breaks. She licks dry lips, releases her tongue, starts again. “You did all of that?”
I nod.
“Why?”
I smile. “Because I love them.” It really is that simple. “Just like you do.”
She presses a hand to her forehead. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Say you’ll come back?”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“I need you, Julia. My family needs you, now, more than ever. Please,” I trail off, a lump forming hard and fast in my throat. “Please come back.”
She doesn’t reply, doesn’t commit. Instead, she gets to her feet, brushing imaginary dust off her skirt and holds out her hand to help
me up. Thoughtful, despite everything she’s learned.
“I need to think about it.”
“Fair enough.” It’s not the answer I want but I certainly didn’t expect anything less after the bomb I just dropped on her. All things considered, she has every right to kick me out of her house and never speak to me again. Still, I press her, because this is my family we’re talking about and I am running out of options. “But please don’t take too long. Time’s not on my side.”
A smile – faint, but reassuring. “I’ll let you know by this evening.”
My heart feels lighter as we make our way back inside. We find Jesse showing Nick all of Ted’s medals and trophies. There are so many of them, but Jesse pulls a lengthy description of how each one was earned from memory. Nick glances back at me as Julia and I enter the room. He gives me a questioning look but I shake my head. I’ll tell him later, once Julia’s made her decision. Julia avoids looking at Nick and I wonder if she sees him in a new light now that she knows the truth – whether she’s trying to figure out if what she feels for him is genuine, or a product of my actions. I don’t blame her, and I certainly don’t have the answer.
“Come on Jesse Knight,” I say. “It’s time to go.” I won’t let him off so lightly, but his punishment will have to wait until Nick and I can think up something suitable. It’s hard to keep up the boundaries of normality when you know your days are numbered.
Nick scoops up the puppy and walks to the door. “It was good to see you again, Julia,” he tells her as he passes. The words are stilted, forced, but I think deep down he means it.
“You too,” Julia’s reply is warmer and a faint blush stains her cheeks. I don’t think it’s his doing. I genuinely believe that Julia is happy to see all of us again. “No sneaking off again, okay, Jesse?” she adds, ruffling Jesse’s hair. Jesse doesn’t reply, snubbing her for reporting him, and then he and Nick are gone, leaving only an empty doorway and Julia and I, alone once more.