by E M Lindsey
“Been there,” she said.
Will nodded and fiddled with the top of his cup. “I was on a date, but of course he showed up and ruined everything.”
“Seriously?” She turned to face him better. “Did he hurt you?”
Will shook his head. “Nothing like that. He was just drunk and acting foolish. My date put him in his place, but he kind of ran out on me after that. I think he was freaked out.”
“If he holds something like that against you, he’s not worth a second date. You realize that, right?” she pressed.
He gave her a grateful smile. “He’s actually a really amazing guy, and I don’t blame him for not wanting to get involved with all the drama.”
Before she could answer, Will’s phone buzzed and he froze, feeling a wave of nervousness. It was either Joe or Sage, and he wasn’t sure he was prepared to deal with anything either of them had to say.
“Want me to look for you?” she offered.
Will chuckled and reached for his phone. “No. I have to stop being a baby about all this.” His thumb was a little shaky as he swiped it across the screen, and his eyes fixed hard on the message waiting for him.
Sage: We’re good right? I don’t want to lose you.
Will smiled down at the words, feeling like the sun had broken through the clouds. His eyes closed for a brief moment, and he allowed himself just a second to think it was all going to be fine. “I guess it wasn’t all bad this morning.”
Sandra laughed as she turned her attention back to the kids. “That’s what I thought.”
Will: We’re good. Don’t worry, Sage, I’m not going anywhere.
Chapter Thirteen
Six weeks later, and Will was starting to doubt Sage’s words. Things had gone back to normal, but whatever had happened between them that night at Will’s place remained nothing more than an echo. Sage still showed up for Molly’s tutoring, and still had dinner with them, and even kept up his weekly nights out with Will, but he also kept his distance. The casual touches Will had grown so accustomed to were now just a memory, and any time Will tried to bring up dates or feelings, Sage became mysteriously too busy to talk. Eventually, Will decided he’d have to confront him once and for all. If it was over, if there was no chance to make something work between them, he’d accept it, but he wanted to know. Unfortunately, the morning he resolved to force Sage into conversation was the first one Sage didn’t show. And he was conspicuously absent the next. And then the next. Will’s texts either went unanswered or got two-word responses, and it was always, ‘Busy, sorry.’
It wasn’t until the following Thursday that Will finally got some relief. The clock just hit seven am, and Sage walked into the shop, which was far earlier than he’d ever shown his face before. Molly had just gotten on the bus to school when the door swung open, and Will almost dropped his tray of scones as Sage sidled up to the counter, looking like he hadn’t slept in a week.
“Oh my god, are you okay?” Will asked, shoving the tray into the pastry window. His worry and irritation over Sage’s disappearance faded at the sight of the man who looked totally and utterly wrecked. “You look awful.”
Sage swallowed, then shrugged. “My dad died.”
Will’s jaw dropped, but he quickly closed his mouth before he could look ridiculous. “I’m so…” He meant to say sorry at first, because that’s what you always were meant to say when someone’s parent died. He still heard it every time someone found out about why he had custody of his sister, but he recalled with a vicious clarity the stories Sage told about his father, and the words died on his tongue. “Are you okay?” he asked instead.
Sage shrugged. “No. Yes. I…we just got back from New York, cremating the old fucker, and I feel like…” He laughed, the sound high and tense. “I don’t know how I feel.”
“What can I do?” Will asked, leaning over the counter toward him. More than anything, he wanted to reach for him, to take him in his arms and just hold him. He fought that urge off more times than he wanted to think about, but today was the first time it was strong enough to nearly take over.
Sage gave him a soft look and shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck. “Nothing. I have these big fucking decisions to make and I just,” he trailed off with a shudder, and Will reached out, curling his hand around the back of Sage’s neck before he could stop himself. He pushed his body as far over the counter as he could reach, and Sage didn’t put up any sort of fight as he tucked his head into the crook of Will’s neck. He took a deep breath in, letting it out with a full-body shudder.
They stood there like that until Will’s back ached and the door chimed with a new customer. Sage reacted first, pulling back and stepping away until Will’s hand broke contact. Will half expected him to be embarrassed, but Sage boldly met his gaze and gave him a soft grin.
“Can I get a chai to go?”
Will let out a tiny chuckle and waved him to the end of the bar. Sage looked like he was going to protest, but after months of refusing to let him pay, he seemed to expect it and gave up the fight. Will rang up the two women who came in next, then busied himself at the counter as he tried to shake off the feeling of Sage’s face in his neck.
He felt so right there, so warm and perfect. The faint, musky scent of his cologne clung to the collar of his polo, and he found himself wishing it would stick around all day. His hands shook just faintly as he prepped all three drinks, then held back on Sage’s as he served the two women first.
Sage just stood there with a tiny smirk, waiting for Will to hand it over. When he did, Sage brought the cup to his nose, inhaling deeply. “Seriously, you have no idea how much I need this right now.”
Will couldn’t help a chuckle. “I kind of got the idea. Listen,” he glanced up at the clock as though it held the secret to unlocking exactly what the hell he was feeling for Sage, “do you want to have lunch with me today? I’ve got a couple people coming in at eleven, and I thought I might head down to the lake before the weather starts to get nasty.”
Sage considered his offer for a moment, then nodded. “Yeah. We can meet by that willow near the gazebo?”
“I’ll be there. I’ll throw some sandwiches together,” Will told him. “If anything comes up, just text me.”
Sage gave him a quick salute with the hand holding his tea, then headed out the door. Will could hear the faint murmur of the women who took one of the booths, but his attention was fixed on the shrinking form of Sage as he walked down the pavement, then turned the corner and disappeared. Will didn’t exactly know what he was doing, but at this moment, he was content to let his gut take the lead.
Sage only texted once to let him know they were still on for their lunch plans, so Will made up a couple of croissant sandwiches, then headed on foot to meet the other man. The park was a little busy with parents and their young kids, but the gazebo was fairly empty, and he saw Sage sitting on the top of a picnic table with his feet on the bench. He had mirrored shades on, and his gaze was fixed over the little man-made lake, but he smiled when Will walked up, hopping down to take the bags out of his hands.
“Were you waiting long?” Will asked as he slid up onto the table the way Sage had been sitting.
“I’ve been here all day,” Sage admitted after a beat. “Every time I go home, the silence is overwhelming. But at the shop, it’s so fucking loud and I just…I can’t deal with it. I have an appointment later this afternoon with my therapist, but she hasn’t been helping much. I think I just need to work through it.”
“Makes sense,” Will said. He dug into the bags and handed one sandwich off to Sage who took it but didn’t bother to unwrap the plastic. “I’m sure every person you know is asking how they can help, but…”
Sage smiled at him as he trailed off. “Trust me, this is good.” He sat back down and rested his arms over his thighs. “I uh…I need to talk to you about the night we kissed. About why I took off that morning.”
Will swallowed thickly, but tried for a joking tone. “You me
an your moment of horrified fleeing?”
“Cute. And I wasn’t horrified.” Sage elbowed him, but his smile was a little tense. “I uh…I was engaged before I moved here. But about six years ago, my fiancé died,” he said, his voice very low.
Will took that with a jolt, his eyes going wide, sandwich freezing halfway to his mouth. “I had no idea.”
“I know,” Sage told him, and his smile softened. “I don’t really talk about it much. I mean, I do with my therapist, and sometimes with Der, but it’s not something I like to focus on. There’s been a lot of pressure recently for me to get back out there, and I kept trying, but it just never felt right.”
Will felt his gut twist. He had been prepared to hear a lot of reasons why Sage had run from him, why Sage had pulled back, but not that. He had no idea how to feel.
“Right before my dad died,” Sage went on, looking down at his hands, “I went to visit Ted’s grave for the anniversary of his death. I go twice a year—but I try to time my visits to miss his mom because she and I…” He let out a tense laugh and shook his head. “We never did get along, and I think somehow she blames me for his death. Or maybe she blames me for the way he lived. Either way, it’s personal. I went early this year, and about halfway home I realized I wasn’t crying. The idea of moving on didn’t send me spiraling into panic. I was starting to feel things again.” He stopped and cleared his throat, not looking at Will, and Will had a feeling he knew why. “But then my dad died, and I’ve been a fucking mess ever since. It feels like I took a hundred steps back, and I’m terrified that every time I feel like I’m ready, some bad shit is going to happen.”
“You know that’s not true,” Will said very softly.
Sage nodded, still staring at his hands. “Logically, yeah. But my brain doesn’t always operate on logic, and I just…fuck. What if I’m fucked up forever?”
“You won’t be.” Will set his sandwich down and reached over, putting his hand over Sage’s forearm. “It might take longer, but it will happen. One day you’ll wake up and realize your life is exactly the way you want it to be.”
Sage let out a huffing laugh and turned his head, looking sideways at Will. “You sound really sure.”
“Because I am,” Will told him. “You’re an amazing person and you deserve to be in love again. As many times as you want.”
“I thought it was just going to be the once,” Sage admitted. He curled his fingers into a fist, squeezing so tight, Will could feel the tendons strain where he was still touching Sage’s arm. “Then he fucking died, and I don’t know how I’m ever going to let my guard down. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone I dated.” There was a significance in his tone, a finality which made Will’s gut squirm.
“Are you saying you don’t think you’ll ever be ready?” he chanced.
Sage shrugged. “I’m saying, I couldn’t bring myself to be put in the position where I hurt someone I cared about. I hate it, but…” He trailed off with a shrug, and it hit Will like a blow. Sage was finally letting him down. Gently, but down all the same. Sage was telling him, in no uncertain terms, there wouldn’t be a them.
His throat went tight, and he groped for his iced coffee, taking a long drink before he could speak again. “Anyone who cares about you,” he said pointedly, “will respect your choices, but they’ll also have faith you’ll be able to move past it. Someday.”
“Maybe,” Sage whispered. “For now, I think I’m going to get out of town.”
Will blinked. “Out of town. Like…for good?”
“For a while. I don’t even know what I want or what the hell I need.” Sage dragged his hand through his hair and groaned. “I’d never just disappear, but if you don’t hear from me for a few days…”
“I get it,” Will said, trying to hide the hurt and ache in his voice. “You have to deal how you deal.”
“I’m sorry,” Sage whispered.
Will shook his head, but he couldn’t bring himself to absolve the other man. Not now. Not like this. They sat in a long silence until Will’s lunch was over, and when they parted ways that time, it felt like an actual goodbye.
Chapter Fourteen
“Hey, Will?” Aaron’s voice sounded from his office doorway, and Will glanced up from the computer to see his head baker standing there looking a little concerned. “You busy?”
“Just finishing up the requisition. You need me to add anything?” Will offered.
Aaron shook his head. “Actually, uh…Joe’s here. He’s asking to see you and he’s refusing to leave. I didn’t want to make a scene since Molly’s in the booth.”
So far, Joe had been calling and texting, and would occasionally show up at the café during school hours, but he’d never encroached on Will’s space where Molly was concerned. He didn’t want to think Joe would stoop as low as using Molly to get Will to listen to him, but with everything Joe had done in the past, Will couldn’t trust him.
He rose from his seat, trying not to run as he moved through the corridor and into the main lobby. His heart leapt into his throat when he saw Joe at Molly’s table, looking over one of her weekly readers and talking softly to her. He strained to listen, but he couldn’t hear over the thud of his heart. So far, she didn’t look afraid, though she didn’t look particularly interested in what he was saying either. Will forced his feet to move—one in front of the other—until he reached the table.
“Joe. Aaron said you wanted to talk to me,” Will said, his tone tense.
Joe looked up and smiled. “I can’t believe you never introduced me to your sister.”
Molly looked up then, her gaze going from Joe’s face to Will’s, then she fixed her eyes on her brother. “Is he really your friend?”
“Of course I am. I’m your brother’s best friend,” Joe said, a saccharine smile on his face.
Will felt fury rise in him, and he motioned for Joe to stand up. “Molly, I’m going to have a talk with Joe in my office. You sit here and finish your homework.”
“M’kay,” she mumbled.
Will kept a hold on his temper until they were out of Molly’s hearing range, then he spun and fixed the other man with a furious glare. “This is my work place. How dare you come in here.”
Joe’s smile looked far too smug for Will’s liking. “How else was I supposed to get you to talk to me?” He glanced back at Molly’s table and smiled. “She looks just like you.”
Will swallowed back bile and took a deep breath. “Come on, we can talk in my office.”
Joe followed him past the counter and into the corridor, his head held high in triumph. Part of Will wanted to drag Joe into the alley and maybe have it out with him for good, but likely that would land him in jail, and he couldn’t take that risk with Molly in his care.
He slammed the office door behind them, then spun to face the other man, arms crossed tightly over his chest. “What do you think you’re doing, coming here like this? I told you that we’re over.”
Joe actually managed to look contrite as he stood there, hands shoved into his pockets, his blue eyes half-lidded. “I know. I know, but it was the only way to get you to listen to me. I miss you so fucking much, Will. I’ve dated so many people—so many people—and none of them compare to you. I swear to god, I know I was the worst person in the world, but I’ve changed. You made me want to change.”
Will snorted. “You do realize you’ve actually said that to me before, right? Right before you showed up to threaten me.”
Joe’s cheeks pinked. “I know. And I know what an asshole I was, but you have this kid now, and this shop, and it made me realize I want that. I want a future and a family.”
Will shook his head. “You have never wanted anything like that in the entire time we’ve been together.”
“Maybe I have,” Joe said, his voice softer. He took a step toward Will who took a step back. “Maybe I was just afraid to say it, because I was afraid to admit I was falling in love with you.”
As much as he didn’t want to allow the
m to, the words hit Will full-on. He and Joe had been off and on again for years, but never once did they exchange those three little words. The closest Joe ever got was in anger when he’d scream, “You always want to know why I can’t love you? Well, this is why!” every time Will tried to put his foot down about anything.
Now, he was offering them without them being used as a weapon, with nothing in his tone but sincerity. Words Will might have given anything to hear even a handful of months ago. But now…
“I can’t afford to take risks,” Will said. “I have Molly to think about, and you haven’t done anything to prove you’re any different.”
Joe hung his head. “I get that. I’m not asking you to let me back into the apartment or share any part of your life. I’m just asking for some time to show you I’m being sincere.”
Will bit the inside of his cheek. His every instinct was telling him no, to run, to end this now before he got himself wrapped up again. It had taken him so damn long to cut Joe out the first time. Hell, it had taken losing his parents and becoming a guardian to a seven-year-old, and he didn’t think he had any more of those catalysts in the future.
“I don’t…”
“Please,” Joe begged, interrupting Will’s rejection. “Just give me a chance. We can do dinner, movies, the aquarium with the kid. Whatever you want.”
“Molly,” Will said a little sharply.
Joe blinked. “What?”
“Her name is Molly. She’s not the kid, and you knew her name before you came here.”
“Old habits,” Joe said from behind a sigh. “I’m used to pushing that kind of stuff away. It’s going to take me time, but I know I can be better. For us. I want to be a family with you, including Molly. And maybe it would be nice for her too, you know? To have two parents around.” After a second of Will’s continued silence, Joe’s eyes darkened. “Oh god, are you seeing someone? Is it that fucking guy from the restaurant?”