by Eric Vall
“Okay, okay… ” I motioned with my hands to try and calm the situation down. “Let’s say I’m the Wayfarer of Dimension One or whatever. Why do you need me here? Do you want me to try and find this dimension’s Dr. Nash?”
“Yes.” Karla nodded. “But only after you’ve saved the world.”
Of course “saving the world” was going to be thrown out somewhere. Now, I just needed “you’re our only hope” and “you’re a secret orphan from another planet” to get a fictional savior bingo.
“Again,” I reminded both of them, “I’m a Pest Control Technician. Unless the world is going to be overrun by a bunch of bugs or rats or snakes, I’m not sure how exactly I can help you.”
“There may be a timeline where that’s the case,” Dr. Nash admitted, “if that’s so, then I suppose you’d be more than prepared to take on the challenge, eh?”
I really didn’t like where this was going.
“You need to understand what my father’s work was all about, Hunter,” Karla interjected. “It wasn’t just about crossing interdimensional timelines or finding special people or even bending the laws of space and time. It was about preventing Doomsday. It was about saving billions of lives.”
Okay, now I knew I was being pranked. Surely, there were some hidden cameras around here somewhere, and Ashton Kutcher was gonna come out and tell me I’d been Punk’d.
Might as well play along with the insanity.
“Doomsday?” I fake gasped. “What kinda Doomsday are we dealing with here? Pandemic? Alien invasion? Volcanic eruption?”
“Here in Dimension One?” Karla raised an eyebrow. “We don’t know. That’s why we need the Wayfarer.”
“According to the IFDR,” Dr. Nash interjected, “there is an anomaly that happens here in this world, or a ‘Doomsday Scenario,’ if you will. It has already happened across dozens of different timelines, in a dozen different ways. We believe the only way to prevent it from happening in Dimension One is to save the human race in said dimensions, study what caused their own Doomsday, and then prevent it from happening here.”
“You’re right,” I admitted, “that’s a lot to take in. Why can’t the Wayfarers in these different dimensions just step up to the plate and save their own worlds? Why don’t the David and Karla Nash of those dimensions just find their own Wayfarers and save the world themselves?”
“Two reasons,” the face on the screen explained. “First, if Doomsday has already happened in the other dimensions, then chances are our dimensional clones didn’t survive. Secondly, much like yourself, the Wayfarers of the other dimensions don’t know they are special.”
“That’s kinda asking a lot of a Pest Control Technician, don’t you think?” I semi-mocked.
“It is,” Nash said, “but you are our only hope, I’m afraid.”
There it was.
“I do wish you were a soldier or at least a cop or a firefighter or something like that,” Karla sighed. “Hell, I would have even settled for a former black belt.”
“I’ll have you know I watch plenty of survivalist shows,” I shot back, “and I’m okay with a gun. Not as good as you, of course, but I’ve definitely taken down a few stationary targets in my time.”
“My voice analyzers are indicating he is mocking us,” Dr. Nash announced.
“Not mocking.” I shrugged. “I’m just having a hard time figuring out why I should believe you in the first place.”
“You’re speaking to a computer screen in real time, and it is answering you back with the cognitive function of a human,” the glowing face explained. “Do you really believe what we’ve told you isn’t possible?”
“Fine,” I conceded, “let’s say I do believe you. Am I just going to be going into this mission blind and then wander around until I miraculously stumble across a solution?”
“Not at all,” Dr. Nash scoffed. “My A.I. has calculated the Doomsday scenarios of all of the identified timelines, and has also indicated what needs to be done to save humanity in each one. However, how you accomplish that particular task will be left completely up to you.”
“You’ll go into the timelines, complete the task my father has assigned to you, and then return to us with any information you have gathered,” Karla added. “Also, if you happen to come across a Wayfarer, try to convince them to come back with you.”
“Righttttt.” I was now trying not to laugh. “If I happen to stumble across this one-in-seven-billion special person, I’ll try to bring ‘em back.”
“You laugh, but stranger things have happened,” Karla warned. “The two-way arrow theory works in mysterious ways. In fact, the future may be influenced just by the two of us sitting here and having this conversation right now.”
Uff-dah. This was getting to be too much.
“Okay, Doc.” I turned to the face on the screen. “Hit me with your first Doomsday timeline. I want to see what kinda world-saving tasks little ‘ol me is gonna have to complete.”
The computer went silent for a moment before a bunch of binary code flashed across the screen in a horizontal pattern. Finally, after a few seconds of calculations, Dr. Nash’s disembodied head reappeared.
“There,” he mused, “this one might be a good fit for your first mission. Dimension Nine-Fifty-One… or, as I like to call it, ‘The Nuclear Pandemic.’”
“A nuclear pandemic?” I rolled my eyes. “So you mean a nuclear bomb or something mutated a virus and caused everyone to turn into a zombie or something?”
“Why… yes,” the computer-man replied as his eyes opened with shock. “See? You are the Wayfarer. You already understood—”
“I just watch a lot of TV, read a bunch of books, and play a lot of video games.” I scoffed. “You’re really dialing things up to eleven right off the bat, aren’t you?”
I waited for somebody to catch the reference, but all I got were blank stares.
“I don’t get it,” Karla admitted.
“You know, like Spinal Tap?” I prompted. “Don’t tell me neither of you have seen Spinal Tap?”
“Sounds painful.” Karla shrugged.
“Back on subject,” Dr. Nash sighed. “Dimension Nine-Fifty-One is a dimension where Doomsday has already occurred via the form of a nuclear holocaust all across the world. However, it doesn’t stop there… The radiation caused all known viruses to mutate, including one that affected the human brain and caused thousands of people to go insane.”
“Yeahhhhh.” I whistled. “No thanks. I’m glad we’re not in that dimension.”
“You soon will be, though,” Dr. Nash reminded me. “My algorithms suggest that, if all of the crazed humans in the greater Chicago area are destroyed, it will cause a rift in that dimension’s timeline and will thus save the human race from total extinction.”
“And if I just so happen to run into the Wayfarer, I’ll bring them back.” I nodded with amusement.
“Precisely!” Dr. Nash exclaimed. “You’re starting to understand what we’re getting at. If we start right now, we can have you in Dimension Nine-Fifty-One in a little over an hour.”
Another hour of this crap? This was where I reached my limit.
I stood up and threw out my hands to the side.
“Look, guys,” I announced, “it’s been fun, but I’m tired of this… prank? Acting exercise? I don’t care. This is dumb, and I have to get back to work. I’m going to head out now. If you promise not to shoot me in the back, I won’t call the cops on you.”
“You’re going to leave?” Karla scoffed. “My father just revealed things to you that should have turned your entire world upside down, and you want to dash out of here without giving it a second thought?”
“Oh, I’ve given it many thoughts,” I retorted. “I don’t know what world you guys are living in, but I don’t want to live there. I’ll just stick with my technician job, thank you very much. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some leftover Chinese back at my apartment that’s calling my name.”
I began to
walk toward the staircase, but Karla wasn’t done yet.
“That’s it?” she continued. “You’re just going to walk out of here, back to your crummy apartment and your simple life, and pretend like none of this ever happened?”
“I’m pretty sure this is a prank,” I sighed.
“Oh, my god! It’s not a prank!” the beautiful brunette screeched. “We need your help to save the world! Not just this world, all the worlds. Don’t you have any honor or work ethic or—”
“I’m gonna stop you right there,” I snorted, “and when I get back to my van, I’m gonna tell my boss not to let any other Bugslayer employees anywhere near this house ever again. And, also, I love my life as it is right now. Even if you are telling the truth, and I am this ‘Wayfarer’ person, which again, I seriously fucking doubt, why would I give up a good thing and risk my life to save a bunch of people I’ll never even know?”
“Because it’s the right thing to do,” Karla grumbled.
“That may be true,” I agreed, “but I’m not good to anybody if I’m dead.”
“You have far too little faith in yourself, Hunter,” Dr. Nash reassured me. “You said it yourself that you have basic survivalist skills. On missions like these, you don’t need much more than that, plus a little bit of ingenuity.”
“The answer’s still no,” I repeated. “Goodbye, Dr. Nash.”
I turned to head back to the exit, but I only got to the first staircase before the robotic voice called out once more.
“Wait!” he exclaimed. “We can pay you. Handsomely.”
I froze in place.
This dude’s mansion must have been worth at least a few million dollars. He might have been batshit crazy, but he definitely wasn’t a slouch when it came to finances.
I rotated around to face the Nashes, crossed my arms over my chest, and leaned back against the wall.
“How much are we talking here?” I asked.
“For a mission like this?” the face on the screen pondered. “My systems are telling me that, based on an average salaries of Pest Control Technicians in Minneapolis, you would accept something around your yearly salary of forty thousand a year. But, because I want to show you we are serious, I will offer you a quarter million.”
I nearly swallowed my tongue. My heart started to flutter so rapidly it threatened to bust through my sternum and out through my chest, and my legs suddenly felt weak.
A quarter of a million dollars?
I could finally pay off all of my debt, and even the debt from all my mother’s medical bills. I could move out of the crappy apartment I called home and get a place of my own where I wouldn’t have to deal with landlords or quiet times or any of that nonsense.
Okay, maybe I could indulge these two a little more.
“Are you alright?” Karla questioned. “It looks like you’re about to pass out.”
“No, no,” I reassured her with a raised hand, “I’m all good. I’m just… thinking it over, that’s all.”
I sat down on the bottom step of the staircase and let out a deep sigh as I hung my head in disbelief.
A quarter of a million dollars… I’d have to be a total idiot to say no at this point.
Best case scenario? They were both complete loons, and I get paid to indulge their insane fantasy.
Worst case scenario? Well, I’d be fighting for my life against a bunch of crazed humans in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.
But, even then, that was well worth the quarter of a million dollars.
I raised my head to look at the Nashes and then smiled widely.
“Alright,” I announced. “I’ll do it. But just this once.”
“I knew you’d come around!” Dr. Nash proclaimed. “Welcome to the team, Wayfarer!”
“Yeah,” Karla scoffed, “it only took a massive bribe to get him to agree to save the world. My kind of hero… ”
Oh, well. Miss Nash could be cold toward me all she wanted.
It really didn’t matter.
If all went as planned, I’d be rich in a little over an hour.
Chapter 3
“Alright, here’s the lowdown,” Karla explained as she gestured for me to follow her up the stairs to the main level of the mansion. “We’re sending you into the remnants of Chicago, the spot of a direct nuclear strike. You may know a lot about basic survival techniques, but I doubt you know much about traversing a nuclear wasteland.”
“Actually,” I joked, “I’m pretty sure Les Stroud did a whole episode on that one.”
“Please take this seriously,” Karla grumbled and frowned. “That man is nice enough, but he’d be dead in a week if he ever was seriously put into a life or death situation.”
“If Les Stroud can’t survive it, I don’t know who can,” I admitted.
“You can.” Karla nodded as she opened up the door to a room and nodded inside. “That is, with a little bit of advice and a few specially-made pieces of gear.”
I was now standing inside of what looked like an armory, with dozens of weapons of all kinds hanging on the wall next to tactical suits. There was a wetsuit, chain mail armor, hazmat suits, and even costumes that looked like they were ripped straight out of a Mad Max movie.
These guys really were prepared for everything.
Karla was up on a ladder, and she fumbled around with boxes of gear on the shelves above.
I couldn’t help but glance up and watch her tight ass wiggle as she rummaged. Her pants squeezed her so tightly, they could have been a second skin, but I averted my eyes instantly when Karla came up with a box and then looked down on me.
“You good?” she asked knowingly.
She may have been a bit cold, but she was anything but unobservant. I was sure she knew exactly what I was doing, and I was even more sure she found it amusing.
“All good,” I lied and then pointed to the hazmat suit. “Let me guess, that one’s for me?”
Karla looked over at the bright yellow suit and then back at me. She repeated the action for a solid minute before she finally let out a long sigh.
“That suit in a post-apocalyptic wasteland?” she chuckled. “You’d stick out like a sore thumb. Besides, all of my father’s calculations indicate the virus has run its course in this dimension. I thought you were supposed to be good at this survivalist stuff?”
“Not when I don’t know what I’m getting into,” I grumbled and crossed my arms. “Your dad didn’t exactly give me much to go on other than, ‘there’s radiation and crazed humans.’”
“Unfortunately, that’s all the Roosevelt is capable of predicting,” the brunette explained as she set the box in her hand down on a nearby table. “It can figure out the Doomsday scenario and how to fix it, but not much beyond that.”
“What did you call it?” I raised an eyebrow.
“The Roosevelt,” she repeated. “That’s what my father called- calls the Interdimensional Future Doomsday Radar. You know, ‘IFDR?’”
Suddenly, it dawned on me.
“Ah.” I nodded. “Clever.”
Karla pulled out a simple black t-shirt and a pair of full-length, tan combat pants.
“We found out rather quickly the IFDR can only transport organic matter or very small bits of inorganic matter surrounded by organic,” she explained as she handed me the clothing. “When my father from Dimension Six-Eighty-Seven arrived here via his own machine, he was missing both his pants and his lab coat.”
“So, I’m gonna have to go into the apocalypse completely in the buff?” I mused. “That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.”
“Of course not.” The brunette woman rolled her eyes. “My father still had his dress shirt and underwear intact when he arrived. Things like cotton, wool, linen, and silk come from natural fibers, so they are completely fine during the transportation process. Now, something like polyester or rayon? That’d be a no-go.”
I inspected the clothes closely, and they didn’t really seem to be anything special. That was just my luck.
<
br /> All these badass costumes around, and I’m stuck with the one that makes me look like I should be smoking a cigarette outside my local Walmart while waiting for my wife and six kids to come out of the store.
Karla opened her eyes widely, turned her head, and then nodded.
“Oh?” I was a tad surprised. “You--You want me to change into them right now?”
“Don’t make it weird.” Karla rolled her eyes again. “You’re just stripping down to your underwear. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”
Is this what she got outta this whole thing? Some sort of strange, exhibitionist excitement?
Whatever.
I quickly slipped off my uniform, tossed it to the side, and then put on the pants and t-shirt.
Karla just stood there with a blank expression on her face the whole time, though I swear I saw her eyes dart down to my bulge for a brief, fleeting moment.
Finally, when I was all dressed, the brunette woman turned around and motioned for me to follow after her. Then she led me over to a giant metal door with a wheel that looked like a ship’s. As Karla turned it counterclockwise, the seal around the door let out a hiss as it was released from the pressure. Within a few seconds, there was a small “pop,” and the door swung open.
“How does this place have so many more rooms?” I pondered aloud as we stepped inside. “Don’t you already have like, eight-thousand square feet to work with upstairs?”
“That’s right,” Karla explained, “but that’s just at the ground level. Our subterranean lab is nearly double that size, and it runs all throughout the neighborhood. In fact, we have secret hatches that come out on at least three of our neighbor’s properties.”
“What exactly would you need to escape from?” I questioned. “You guys have been at this for years, and you haven’t had anybody come after you, right?”
“They haven’t come after us yet,” the brunette clarified. “There is no doubt in my mind there will come a day when they do. Whether it be the government or one of my father’s intellectual rivals, the power of interdimensional travel alone would put massive targets on our backs. And that’s not even getting into the algorithms the IFDR uses to predict the future or the various doomsday events across the various fine ruins. If that got into the wrong hands… well, I don’t even want to think about what would happen then.”