“Things are done,” Joe replied. He kept his tone level and matter of fact. “It’s not a big deal. It was just a casual thing. But now it’s a nothing thing.”
“What went wrong?” Will asked carefully. “Seemed like you two were getting along.”
“Yeah, we were. Like I said, there’s no big deal. Just… ran its course, I guess.”
“Was that your decision, or Mackenzie’s?”
“It was the will of the universe,” Joe said with a sage nod. He was trying to maintain his calm, but all the good done by the swimming and roughhousing was being drained away by this fucking conversation. “You go ahead with dinner. I’m going to swim some more. I’ll eat leftovers when I come up.”
Will looked doubtful, but he finally nodded in reluctant assent. “I’m sorry about Mackenzie,” he said as he headed for the house. “I liked him.”
Joe waited until Will was out of sight, then let himself fall backward into the water like a kid making a snow angel. A little melodramatic, maybe, but it felt good. He should probably take his clothes off if he was going to do any serious swimming, but it wasn’t like he was trying to get somewhere. He just wanted to wear himself out, get exhausted enough that he’d fall asleep without thinking about anything. After a long day on the ranch, it wouldn’t take too much more to get him to that state, but swimming with the weight of extra clothes would definitely speed up the process. He fixed his eyes on a spot across the lake and started toward it. He felt his body falling into a rhythm. His breathing was regular, his arms were strong, and his body was at home in the water. Everything was good. And for a few blessed moments of peace, he was able to ignore the images that kept bouncing into his head: a laughing little girl who might never laugh again, and Mackenzie’s blue eyes looking at Joe as if he were something special, when Joe should have known damned well that he wasn’t. Swimming was good, thinking was bad. Joe stayed in the water until after dark.
Chapter 13
NATHAN HAD gone back to the city, so it was strange that the words in Mackenzie’s head were using Nathan’s voice. “You can’t make a decision in a vacuum. You need to gather your facts, interpret them, and then decide. Don’t let someone else set your schedule for you, Mackenzie. You decide when you decide.” Mackenzie could picture Nathan’s predatory smile as he added, “But you’d better decide fast, because there’s a lineup of other guys looking for the exact same opportunities you are, and if they get there first, you’re out of luck.”
He wasn’t sure the last part of that really applied in this case. It wasn’t like anyone else wanted to resurrect the church—it had sat empty for ten years before Mackenzie had been stupid enough to think he could make it into something. And Joe wasn’t exactly cruising the market either, from what Mackenzie had seen. Maybe when you were that fine you just got to sit back and let the other cowboys come find you, or maybe Joe just had the same level of apathy toward other men that he obviously had toward Mackenzie.
Or maybe it wasn’t that obvious. Flashes of Saturday night were definitely coming back to Mackenzie, but it was all being remembered through a confusing haze. All that was clear to him was that he wanted Joe, and Joe might not want him back. And Nathan wanted Mackenzie. Did Mackenzie want Nathan?
Not physically. Hard to go back to cheap ground beef after tasting filet mignon. Mackenzie wished Nathan could hear where he placed in that little analogy. But there was more to a relationship than the physical. Before things had gone wrong, Nathan had made Mackenzie feel secure and valued. Sure, his value had been based more on his physical appearance and tractability than on anything else, but at least it was something. Nathan had given Mackenzie an easy life, and he was offering to do the same again. Mackenzie ran his hand down Griffin’s side. “Did you like living there, buddy? No mean porcupines in the city, right?” Griffin didn’t answer, just rolled over to expose more of his belly for attention. “Nathan didn’t like you all that much, though, did he? When he was here, he barely talked to you at all. You like Joe, don’t you?”
At the mention of Joe’s name, the dog’s ears perked up, and he lifted his head to look toward the door. “No, he’s not coming over right now.” He might not ever come over again. Joe hadn’t actually said that, but he hadn’t sounded too impressed with Mackenzie on Sunday morning, and he hadn’t called since then. But it was only Monday. Nothing was definite, not really.
But Mackenzie needed to know. He needed to make it definite. He couldn’t make a decision without having all the facts. He picked up his phone, then held it without dialing. What if he got news he didn’t want? Or what if he got Joe to declare his interest and then decided to go with Nathan anyway? That would be an asshole move, for sure.
Except Joe had made it pretty damn clear he wasn’t emotionally invested in the relationship, so Mackenzie probably didn’t need to worry about hurting the guy’s feelings. At least his words had made it clear that he didn’t care. His actions… those were more confusing. Mackenzie punched the numbers into the phone. He needed facts, not speculation.
He heard Joe answer and realized he had no idea how he wanted to approach this. He really should have made a plan. Instead, he tried to sound light and cheerful as he said, “Hey, it’s Mackenzie. I was wondering if you wanted to come over tonight. Or tomorrow, if that works better for you.”
There was a pause before Joe said, “I don’t think so. I think we’ve pretty much run our course, don’t you?”
Well, there it was. But, damn it, there had been a question in that statement, and Mackenzie was going to answer it. “Well, I don’t really think so, no. I mean, obviously it’s your choice. But, no, I don’t think we’ve run our course. I don’t really know what that means.” There was no immediate answer, so Mackenzie plunged on. “I get that you’re upset about something that happened on Saturday night. That’s the only answer, right? I mean, unless you were coming over that night to tell me we were through. But if that wasn’t the plan then, and it is the plan now, then I guess I’m curious about what changed, exactly.”
Joe sighed. “Nothing changed, really. I just remembered a few things I’d been letting myself forget.”
“That’s still pretty cryptic. Look, I like you. I think you like me. If you don’t want to fuck around anymore, that’s your call, but it’d really help me if I could understand why this is happening.” Mackenzie was proud that he’d managed to get that out without raising his voice or betraying the sickening lurching his stomach was doing at the thought of never seeing Joe’s smile again.
“I like you,” Joe said. He sounded like he was admitting he had a particularly unpleasant medical condition. “But we need to stay casual, and… I think I was having some trouble with that. You know, I was… getting a bit caught up in things. It’s not your fault, it’s just something I do sometimes. I don’t really seem to be able to control it. So, yeah. Best for me that we end it now, instead of down the road.”
“Wait.” Mackenzie tried to marshal his thoughts. “You’re dumping me because you like me too much? Is that honestly what you’re saying?”
“How’s your ex, Mackenzie? I was in town today, and I heard about that little show he put on with the brunch. I heard he was telling people all about his plan for some train or something. Sounded like he was pretty invested in the situation. Not the sort of thing someone’s ex usually does for them.”
“I can’t control what he tells people.” Mackenzie didn’t like feeling defensive about this, but he was beginning to understand why Joe had pulled away. “And, yeah, if you want the truth, he is interested in getting back together. But that doesn’t mean I’m interested in it.”
“And you’ve told him ‘no’?” Joe’s tone made it clear he already knew Mackenzie’s answer.
“Well, no. Not really. I mean, I’m considering it. I’m trying to figure things out. That’s why I wanted to know where you and I stand.”
“Because why?” Joe’s voice was quiet. “If I say I’m still interested, you’re going to dum
p Richie Rich and watch your business go down the drain, just for some guy you fucked a few times?”
“I don’t know,” Mackenzie replied. He was starting to feel trapped and desperate. He wished he’d never picked up the phone. “I mean… no. That would be crazy, right? You and me, we’re… we’re casual. I couldn’t… I couldn’t throw away all Nathan’s offering, not for….”
“Not for some hick in a pickup truck,” Joe finished for him. “I get it. We’re on the same page. But I’m not sure why you’re arguing with me. Are you just one of those guys who has to be the one doing the dumping?”
“Me?” Mackenzie squeaked. “You just preemptively dumped me, asshole, so don’t be a hypocrite about someone else wanting to do the same!”
“Jesus Christ.” Joe sounded disgusted with the entire situation. “Fine. Let’s make it mutual, okay? We mutually agree, at the same time, that this isn’t going anywhere. You want to get back with your rich boyfriend, and I don’t want to date someone who chooses his fucks based on the size of their bank account. So we’re both happy, right?”
“Oh, I’m ecstatic.” Mackenzie had more to say, but he heard a click and looked down at the phone to see that the call had been disconnected. Joe had hung up on him.
He fought the urge to throw the phone across the room. He didn’t let himself drop it where it was and stomp on it, either. He’d been dumped. Joe Sutton didn’t want to see him anymore. Big deal. Some stupid cowboy he’d fucked a few times didn’t want to have another round. That was all.
The words stung, sure. Someone who chooses his fucks based on the size of their bank account. That wasn’t the way Mackenzie wanted to see himself. “I’m not a gold digger,” he said to Griffin. The dog cocked his head as if trying to understand the words. “I need to look after myself, yeah. But… maybe I just have a type, right? Maybe I just get turned on by powerful men!”
Except he couldn’t forget the way Joe had made him feel, the way desire and intimacy had mingled so perfectly every time they’d been together. Joe had been getting a bit ‘caught up in things.’ That’s what he’d said. It hadn’t been as casual for him as he’d been making it seem, and it hadn’t been casual for Mackenzie, either. But now it was over.
So, he had a piece of information for his decision making. Mackenzie tried to focus on that instead of on the emptiness that seemed to be spreading through him. Joe wasn’t a factor. Mackenzie had to choose between going back to Nathan and having a thriving business, or staying away from Nathan and trying to make the business work on its own. Which meant, he was back to needing more information. He could do this. He wouldn’t think about Joe. He wouldn’t, he wouldn’t. He’d distract himself. “Stay here,” he told Griffin and jogged up the stairs and out to his car. He wasn’t thinking about Joe. No Joe. No way.
He drove downtown and parked in front of one of the old red-brick buildings, then headed for the front door. Business. Business. He was focusing on business. And Dale Aithers, the man who worked in this building, was a businessman. Maybe not at the same level as Nathan, but Dale was active in the chamber of commerce and was Lorraine’s contact for the bed-and-breakfast investigations. He’d told Mackenzie to drop by whenever he wanted, and Mackenzie definitely wanted to drop by right then. He wanted to focus on business. Not Joe, not his smile, not the way he touched Mackenzie in all the right places. Not his quiet heroism, his commitment to his family…. Damn it, no! None of that. Mackenzie was thinking about business.
He climbed to the second floor and could see Dale through a glass door. He was standing in what looked like a foyer, chatting with a dark-haired man Mackenzie didn’t know. Would it be interrupting to go in? But Dale saw him through the doorway and waved him inside.
“Mackenzie! Perfect timing. We were just talking about you. This young man is looking for business opportunities in the area, and I was telling him that your project is about the only new thing on the horizon right now.” The man turned, and when Mackenzie saw his face he wondered whether “boy” would be a better descriptor. But the kid’s handshake was firm and his gaze direct as Dale said, “Mackenzie, this is Nick Sutton. You already know his brother Will, right?”
“I know both his brothers,” Mackenzie said slowly. He wondered what he’d done to deserve this. “And one of his sisters too.”
“It’s a pretty big family,” Nick said with a charming smile.
“I was telling him I’m having trouble getting anyone interested in taking a chance on the bed-and-breakfast idea,” Dale said. “I think people just don’t feel like they have the money to risk on something that might not work out. It’s hard to get them to take a chance.”
And that was it. Mackenzie stared at Dale and tried to figure out why the man was smiling as if he hadn’t just crushed Mackenzie’s last hope for getting the business off the ground without help. The church was two hours from the city, had only a limited reception facility, and nowhere for guests to stay overnight. It couldn’t work. He needed to either give up on the idea entirely or take Nathan up on his offer. Mackenzie could be single and unemployed, or he could be the pretty part of a power couple with a small but successful business in his name. The choice should be simple, but now that it was the only option left, he realized he didn’t want to take it. He didn’t want to go back to Nathan, and he didn’t want to rely on him for his business help.
“I had another idea,” Nick Sutton said, and the excitement in his voice drew Mackenzie’s attention. “My family’s ranch is about fifteen minutes from the church. We have a big old barn that would be great for receptions—we have parties in the hayloft all the time, and it works really well. And we have a lot of outbuildings we aren’t using for anything. They’d take some work, but my brother’s a contractor—he could do it for cheap, fix them up into little guest houses or something. You’d be kind of limited to rustic-themed weddings, but maybe that could be part of your marketing, right? We could take people on hay rides or horseback riding, even. There’s a lake for swimming, some great hiking. A good hill for tobogganing in the winter, cross-country skiing. Fishing. Hunting, even. Maybe Joe could get his outfitters’ license or something. Right now, the property’s being wasted. It’s just raising cattle and growing trees. There’s no real money being made. If we got a bit more active, we could do a lot, and it could really help you with your church project. People could come for a wedding and make a weekend of it, or come back for a vacation later on. We’re a long way from the city for just a wedding, but we’re really pretty close for a relaxing vacation in the country. Right?”
Mackenzie’s mind was racing. It wasn’t how he’d pictured things, but it might just work. “Kind of a theme wedding, but not totally hokey,” he mused. “Just a bit of flavoring, not an overpowering thing.”
“Absolutely,” Nick said with a wide grin that made him look a little bit like Joe. “It’s not like people would have to dress up like cowboys or anything, and we’d make sure the outbuildings had all the modern conveniences. We probably wouldn’t be able to have beds for all the guests for an average-sized wedding, but that’s okay because some of them will want to drive home anyway, and some of them might want to stay at a motel over in Darton or something. But we could fix up a place real special for the bride and… sorry, for the groom and groom, if that’s how you’re going to specialize… but you might want to open it up a bit? Make it a destination wedding for whoever wants it, not just for gay couples.”
The kid was full of ideas. And they were good, Mackenzie was pretty sure. He felt a tiny flare of hope. “This sounds really interesting,” he said, trying to keep himself from getting too excited. “But how does your family feel about it?”
“I haven’t talked to them yet.” He shrugged. “They’ll have concerns, I’m sure. But we can persuade them to give it a chance, right?”
Something in Nick’s smile made Mackenzie feel pretty sure the kid knew he and Joe had been involved, and didn’t know they no longer were. If he was counting on Mackenzie to smooth
over Joe’s objections, he was going to have an unpleasant surprise pretty soon. Still, the ideas were intriguing, and Mackenzie was all out of easier options. “We should talk,” he said. “I’d like to see what we can come up with.”
Nick grinned like he’d just won the lottery, and Mackenzie found himself smiling back. Maybe there was hope. He needed to believe there might be.
Chapter 14
WILL AND Joe had started having family meetings pretty regularly after their parents died. Two a week, for the first little while. They were all adjusting, all working out new routines. The meetings had been an important way to make sure everyone was being heard and everyone knew what was going on. But it had been months since they’d needed one. The most recent was…. Joe searched his memory. Damn, it had been back before Christmas, and it had centered on planning their festivities. This one was a bit more serious.
“We’re going to try to keep it low-key, right?” Sarah seemed to be addressing the room, but Joe knew she was talking to him. Will was the only other one there, and he wasn’t looking too tense about anything.
“I’ll try,” Joe said. “But at some point Nick and I are going to need to clear the air a little. It’s possible we’re at that point.”
“Just don’t go looking for trouble,” Will said.
“I’ve never really found that I need to go looking with Nick. He always seems to bring enough of it for everyone.”
“Not really the attitude we were hoping for.” But Sarah sounded resigned, as if she knew it was the best she could expect. Joe and Nick had been avoiding each other since Sunday; Joe couldn’t help but notice that he’d done the avoiding by working his ass off dawn to dusk on the farm, while Nick had avoided him by leaving the property entirely and spending his days who knew where doing… well, doing something that wasn’t going to be putting any food on the damned table. Or any towels in the linen closet. Maybe it was a bit petty, but Joe had done a few loads of laundry composed solely of his own clothes and towels, and he’d stashed the clean towels in his bedroom for his and Austin’s use. He’d shared the location with Ally, and she’d grinned at him and said maybe she’d start doing the same thing. Joe wasn’t sure what it meant that his only firm ally was also the only person in the group technically still a child.
The Fall Page 18