by Dustin Brady
“Woo-hoo!” Eric cheered, marking the second time in history any creature has been excited about getting snatched by a pterodactyl. Eric grabbed the dinosaur’s shoulders. “I think I can steer it!” Eric leaned left, and the pterodactyl flew right. Eric pushed down, and the pterodactyl flew up. Eric pulled back, and the pterodactyl got mad and tried to shake him off. “OK, maybe I can’t steer it.”
We were along for the ride wherever the prehistoric bird decided to go. Unfortunately, it decided to go to a nest full of smaller, hungrier prehistoric birds on the side of the cliff. Eric and I both screamed when we saw the squawking, snapping pterodactyls waiting for their meal. Then I sighed. It was OK. Once they ate us, we’d just go back to falling again. Maybe we could . . .
I suddenly stopped breathing. Sitting quietly on the side of the nest was something much more dangerous than a video game dinosaur.
It was a Hindenburg.
Chapter 3
Jurassic World
You remember the Hindenburg, don’t you? Friendly alien fellow in a gas mask who tried to imprison me and Eric inside a Black Box forever? Hindenburgs are the most powerful beings in the video game universe because they have the power to do whatever it takes to permanently destroy things that don’t belong.
Hungry, sharp-toothed pterodactyls snapped all around us, but Eric and I couldn’t move. Our eyes were fixed on the Hindenburg’s beady gas mask goggles. The three of us stood still for a second, then the Hindenburg stepped forward. I grabbed Eric’s arm. “JUMP!”
Both of us tumbled out of the nest. It didn’t matter that the only thing waiting for us at the bottom of the cliff was a cluster of pointy rocks. It didn’t matter that this decision would put us right back in the mouth of the whale dinosaur. All that mattered was living another second free from the . . .
A tentacle grabbed my shirt, and I stopped falling. I looked over to see Eric wrapped in another Hindenburg tentacle. The alien hovered for a second with its jet pack, then blasted us all toward the top of the cliff.
“AHHH!”
As we passed the pterodactyl nest, the momma screeched and lunged for us.
“AHHH!” Eric and I screamed louder.
The Hindenburg couldn’t be bothered. As casually as it possibly could, it lifted its arm cannon and vaporized not only the pterodactyl but also the entire nest.
“AHHH!” Eric and I screamed as loud as our lungs would allow.
When we reached the top of the cliff, the Hindenburg set us gently on the ground and stood over us. I quickly cycled through my options: jump, fight, or run. I sighed. All of those would fail miserably in less than a second. If Mr. Gregory had wanted us to succeed, maybe he should have made sure we didn’t start our journey in Jurassic World with an alien assassin. I spread my arms. “Do your worst.” The Hindenburg cracked its neck, and a ripple of blue light burst out of its body.
It slowly pointed its arm cannon at my chest. I squeezed my eyes closed.
BLOOP!
Uh, weird.
I reopened my eyes. The Hindenburg had shot something out of its cannon, but it wasn’t an all-consuming plasma beam. It was a backpack. The pack hovered above the ground and spun around. Then the Hindenburg repeated the same routine with Eric.
BLOOP!
Eric and I stared in shock. The Hindenburg gestured toward the backpacks. We didn’t move. Finally, the Hindenburg marched up to me and slapped one of the backpacks into my chest.
BING!
The bag absorbed into my body, and a message appeared in front of me as if I were looking at a screen.
ERROR DESCRIPTION: ENTERING WORLD WITHOUT SUFFICIENT XP
REQUIRED XP: 475
CURRENT XP: 0
PATCH DESCRIPTION: UPGRADE PACK
NEW XP: 475
After the words faded, all sorts of things started lining the edges of my vision. There was a health meter on the upper left, an XP counter on my upper right, and a picture of a sword on the bottom right. A sword? I looked down to see that I was, in fact, holding a sword.
“AWESOME!” Eric yelled as he grabbed the other backpack.
Just then, something decidedly less awesome happened. A fire pterodactyl flew up from below the cliff.
Now, listen. I know there are those of you out there who are screaming, “That’s not a fire pterodactyl, you dummy! That’s a dragon!” If that’s you, I have two things to tell you:
1. You are a nerd.
2. It was definitely a pterodactyl that breathed fire.
I know those never existed, but that’s what it was.
I saw it. I was there. You were not. Zip it.
When the pterodactyl showed its ugly face, Eric and
I turned to the Hindenburg for help. The Hindenburg did not help. It lifted up its tentacle hand, waved “bye-bye,” and teleported into the air, leaving a strange burnt blue ring on the ground where he’d been standing.
“What are we supposed to do?!” I yelled. Just then, the pterodactyl reared back and blasted a fireball at me. I rolled out of the way, but the fire still licked my foot. I felt a sharp burning sensation and saw my health meter drop.
“I got it!” Eric jumped in front of me. He grabbed the handle of his sword like a javelin and threw it as hard as he could.
He missed. Badly. The pterodactyl didn’t even have to move. It just flapped its wings and looked confused as the sword wobbled 15 feet below it. Making matters much, much worse, Eric didn’t just miss the dinosaur—he also managed to throw the sword over the edge of the cliff.
“ERIC!”
“I did not see that coming!” Eric yelped.
“Check your backpack!”
Eric set his bag on the ground and started sorting through it. “OK, I’ve got boots, a notebook, a piece of cake . . . ”
“WATCH OUT!”
The pterodactyl spun around like a tornado and whipped a flame wall at us. I ducked just as Eric grabbed something out of his bag. I closed my eyes and felt the heat but didn’t get burned.
“Woo-hoo!” Eric yelled.
I looked up to see that Eric had reflected the flame wall back at the pterodactyl with his shield. The big bird squawked and flopped around for a bit, then fell to the ground, blackened by its own flames.
Eric nodded at me. “You’ve got to finish it off,” he said.
“With what?” Then I looked at the sword in my hand. “Wait, you want me to chop its head off? I can’t do that! I’m not a monster!”
“Come on, what else are we supposed to do?!”
The pterodactyl looked at us with angry eyes. It swayed as it tried to climb back to its feet.
I grimaced. Maybe there was another way. I gingerly walked behind the dinosaur and tried to coax it off the cliff. (Why would pushing a dinosaur off a cliff instead of beheading it be any better? I did not think that through.)
“Come on, little buddy. Let’s go.” When I tried pulling on its leg, my sword brushed its wing, and the dinosaur disappeared in a puff of blue smoke. “Oh no! I’m so sorry!” I apologized to the smoke.
DING.
My XP counter clicked up to 477.
“Nice!” Eric exclaimed. “I thought we’d be running around a bunch of empty planets looking for that dumb Max guy, but this is way better! Fire-breathing dragons . . . ”
“I think it was a pterodactyl, not a dragon.”
“. . . sweet weapons, and Hindenburgs that give prizes!”
I thought about that last part for a second. Shouldn’t the Hindenburg be trying to kill us? A theory started to form. “What if Hindenburgs are supposed to help us now?”
“Whah hoo yoo mean?” Eric asked, his mouth full of backpack cake.
“Like, they’re supposed to get rid of glitches, right? We’re not glitches anymore. People are supposed to be in the Reubenverse. The glitch happened when we got
dropped off at an advanced planet with no XP points.”
“It’s just ‘XP,’ not ‘XP points,’” Eric corrected, putting the last bite in his mouth. “‘XP’ stands for ‘experience points.’ So when you say ‘XP points,’ you’re really saying ‘experience points points.’ It makes you sound like a noob.”
I rolled my eyes. “The Hindenburg saw we didn’t have enough XP to be here, so he fixed the problem by giving us everything we needed.”
Eric licked the frosting off of his fingers. “If Hindenburgs are helping us now, maybe one can help us find Max.”
I shrugged. It was worth a try.
“All right, let’s go,” Eric said as he pulled an impossibly huge club out of his backpack. “I’m going to use this on a T. rex.”
We wandered around Jurassic World for six hours. During that time, we ran into a T. rex that ate Eric’s club, a pack of velociraptors that looked suspiciously like the ones in Go Wild, and a cute little lizard that Eric briefly kept as a pet before it tried biting off his hand. We earned weapons, armor upgrades, and lots and lots of XP. Then, finally, on top of a mountain, we came across something better than a Hindenburg.
We found a freezer.
Chapter 4
Ultimate Warrior Challenge
“Cake!” Eric yelled as he ran toward the tall stainless steel freezer.
“Wait!” I pulled out a crossbow. “Could be an ice dragon inside.”
“I thought you said that was a pterodactyl.”
“The fire one was a pterodactyl. I think the blue ice one was a dragon.”
Eric rolled his eyes and grabbed the handle. “Ready?”
I loaded a fire arrow and nodded.
Eric swung open the door. I held my aim for a second as fog rolled out of the freezer. Then I lowered my bow. “Whooaaaaa.”
The device wasn’t a freezer at all. In fact, it was completely empty except for floor-to-ceiling screens lining all four walls.
“What is it?” Eric asked as he stepped inside.
“Hello!” Siri Lady greeted. I jumped when I heard her voice. “Please close the door when your entire party has entered the pod.”
I closed the door. As soon as I did, bright lights turned on, and a smiling female face filled the screen in front of us. The face looked like something you would see if you Googled “What does Siri look like?” She was smooth and white and unblinking and a little bit creepy. I wondered why no one ever made an artificial intelligence face that looks like a nice mom.
“Welcome to the Quantum Jump Transportation System, a fun, exciting way to travel the Reubenverse,” the face said. “You have reached a free community transportation pod, graciously provided by Supreme Ultimate Warrior Max Reuben. You are currently on Dino Disaster, a Warrior/Explorer planet in the Pluton Galaxy. What kind of experience would you like today?”
Dozens of buttons replaced the woman’s face on the screen. There was villager, farmer, business, amusement, warrior, research, and horror, among many others. Eric immediately pressed the purple “amusement” button.
“We don’t have time for that,” I complained.
“Shhh, I’m just doing research.”
“Amusement,” Siri Lady said. “Here are your amusement options in the Pluton Galaxy.”
Hundreds of purple buttons appeared, filling not only the main screen but also the other three walls. I slowly turned around. There was Planet of the Flour Sack Slides, World of Water Flumes, the Zero-Gravity Bumper Car Zone, and Land of a Thousand Llamas.
“Ooh, I love llamas!” Eric exclaimed as he reached for the llama button.
“Stop it!” I pushed the gray “back” button before Eric could take us to the universe’s biggest llama petting zoo.
“What kind of experience would you like today?” Siri Lady repeated.
“We would like to meet Max Reuben,” I said.
“You would like an audience with Supreme Ultimate Warrior Max Reuben. Is that correct?”
“I didn’t say the ‘Supreme Ultimate Warrior’ thing, but sure.”
The room went completely dark. Then, a single glowing red button appeared on the main screen.
BEGIN ULTIMATE WARRIOR CHALLENGE
Eric and I both touched it at once.
BLING!
The room darkened except for a red glow on the floor. Then fog started pouring in from the ceiling. The red light pulsed with a scary WUUUUUM-WUUUUUM sound.
I looked at Eric through the haze. “I don’t like thiiiiiiiiiii . . . ” My stomach jumped into my throat as I started falling. At least, I think I started falling. The floor felt like it’d opened below us, but the red glow remained, and the fog seemed to hover in place. After 10 seconds, the falling sensation ended, my stomach bottomed out to my toes, and the lights turned back on. Then the door behind us opened with a WHOOSH. I turned to see a bright white cube of a room.
“Hello,” Eric yelled, stumbling into the room. (The video game falling thing is a lot like spinning in an office chair. You can’t start walking right away without looking like a dope.)
“Wait!” I grabbed for Eric but instead fell on my face.
Eric walked farther into the room and put his hands on his hips. “This is dumb. There’s nothing in here.”
I caught up to him, rubbing my head. “There’s got to be something. A secret panel or . . . ”
“Welcome, warriors,” a voice behind us interrupted.
We spun around to see a man standing in front of the pod.
It was Max Reuben.
Chapter 5
Palace of the Dark King
The schlubby T-shirt and jeans I remembered Max wearing in his office had been replaced by a ridiculous outfit that looked like it’d been stolen from Thor’s planet. Max also had more muscle and stood about five inches taller than he did on Earth. I froze, unprepared to meet him face-to-face so soon.
Eric did not have the same problem.
“Turn this thing off! TURN! IT! OFF!” Eric yelled, kicking Max’s shin over and over. But instead of annoying the Supreme Ultimate Warrior, Eric’s kicks went straight through him.
Max smiled. “Stunned to see me? Sorry to disappoint, but I’m just a prerecorded hologram. Try shaking my hand.”
Max held out his hand. Eric punched him in the stomach instead. Again, his fist went through Max. Max’s hologram continued speaking, unaware that anything had happened. “Ruling the universe keeps me quite busy, and as much as I’d like to speak to every one of my subjects, I don’t have time to meet everyone who would like an audience.”
“Oh, we’d like an audience all right,” Eric said.
Max’s eyes sparkled. “But as Supreme Ultimate Warrior, I do have time for fellow warriors. If you prove yourself to be an Ultimate Warrior, I have a special gift to personally present you. To prove yourself worthy, you’ll have to complete three challenges. First is strength. Next will be courage. Finally, I’ll test your endurance. Are you up for the challenge?”
“Sure,” Eric and I said at the same time.
“You should know two things before you agree. First, this challenge is for pairs of warriors.” Max paused to glance at both me and Eric. I squirmed. He couldn’t actually see us, right?
Max smiled. “Excellent. It looks like two challengers have arrived. The second thing you need to understand is this: real challenge requires real stakes. Without risking something, you can never truly enjoy your reward. The problem is that death in the Reubenverse carries very little risk. To correct this, I have chosen to make death in the three Ultimate Warrior challenges permanent.” Max paused to let that sink in. “So let me ask you again. Are you up for the challenge?”
“Sure,” Eric repeated.
“Are we sure there’s not another way?” I whispered to Eric.
Eric rolled his eyes. “We got this.”
> I sighed. “OK, I’m in.”
Max rubbed his hands together. “Excellent! See you soon. Maybe.” With that, he disappeared.
“Nothing can ever be easy,” Eric muttered as he walked back to the pod. I took a second to look around the room one last time for a secret passage or something. Then I heard Eric yell from the pod, “NOTHING CAN EVER BE EASY!”
I ran back. “What is it?”
Eric pointed to the main screen.
ULTIMATE WARRIOR CHALLENGE LEVEL 1 - STRENGTH
Above that button was a lock that read, “5,000 XP.”
“How much XP do we have?” I asked.
“You have a combined 1,275 experience points,” Siri Lady answered.
I looked at my watch. Six days, nine hours, and four minutes to Rapture. It’d taken us almost half a day to earn a few hundred XP in Dino World. At that rate, we’d barely get to the first challenge before the Rapture started.
“Show us where we can earn a lot of XP,” Eric said.
“Displaying high-difficulty Warrior planets.”
Without taking the time to read all of the planets, Eric hit a button in the middle.
“Palace of the Dark King,” Siri Lady said. “Are you sure?”
“Yup.”
“What?! NO!” I shouted.
DING! We went through the whole falling-in-place thing again, and the door WHOOSHed open to reveal an elaborate throne room.
“Welcome to Palace of the Dark King.”
Sitting on the biggest throne I’d ever seen was the biggest man I’d ever seen. The Dark King had scales for skin and black eyes. He looked like something that would make your mom jump across the couch to cover your eyes when you were little if he showed up in a horror movie trailer.
“WHY WOULD YOU PICK THE DARK KING?!”
“Relax. We got this.”
The Dark King stood up. He was at least 20 feet tall. He pointed to Eric, and screeching violin sounds started playing. I covered my ears. “WE DO NOT HAVE THIS!”