by Diana Graber
PRAISE FOR RAISING HUMANS IN A DIGITAL WORLD
“If you need practical, positive advice on how to handle your and your kids’ digital lives, look no further. This book tackles the risks and addresses the potential harms, while keeping our eyes on the prize of the remarkable rewards that the online world brings.”
—STEPHEN BALKAM,
founder & CEO, Family Online Safety Institute
“Raising Humans in a Digital World is not only a timely book, it’s essential reading for every parent, grandparent, and teacher. Diana Graber empowers you through her educational (proven and practical) curriculum and engages you through anecdotal stories. Brilliantly written—you can be as cyber-savvy as the next generation.”
—SUE SCHEFF,
founder of Parents’ Universal Resource Experts and author of Shame Nation, Google Bomb, and Wit’s End
“Brilliant, compelling, and essential are the first words that came to my mind when reading Diana Graber’s Raising Humans in a Digital World. Diana not only taps her own exemplary expertise but also assembles a ‘who’s who’ of digital thought leaders to deliver a treasure trove of pragmatic advice via an engaging storytelling style. This is a must-read for parents raising kids in the digital age.”
—ALAN KATZMAN,
founder and CEO, Social Assurity LLC
“Every parent has the responsibility to raise responsible digital humans. Technology is likened to the Wild West frontier. Diana Graber not only shows parents how to create safe and responsible relationships in this ever-changing digital world, but she gives them the powerful tools to navigate through the many aspects of what is required to keep kids safe online. The misuse of technology and the cruel behaviors that take place daily by kids and teens can be changed, and Graber shows this in her informative and educational book Raising Humans in a Digital World. The book should be every parent’s bible as a resource to ensure that their children are responsible and safe.”
—ROSS ELLIS,
founder and CEO, STOMP Out Bullying
“This beautifully written book gives you the tools to raise healthy kids in a digital world. The anecdotes underscore the thoughtfulness of today’s youth and their hunger for learning how to navigate their world well, instead of just being warned off by fearful adults. It is thoughtfully organized and theoretically sound, and will empower parents to have some of those much-needed conversations with their kids.”
—DR. PAMELA RUTLEDGE,
director, Media Psychology Research Center and faculty member, Fielding Graduate University
For Michael, Elizabeth, and Piper, the humans at the center of my world.
© 2019 Diana Graber
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other—except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
Published by HarperCollins Leadership, an imprint of HarperCollins.
Book design by Catherine Leonardo for Neuwirth & Associates.
Bob Dylan “The Times They Are a Changin’” copyright ©1963, 1964 by Warner Bros. Inc.; renewed 1991, 1992 by Special Rider Music. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Reprinted by permission.
Epub Edition October 2018 9780814439807
ISBN 978-0-8144-3980-7 (eBook)
Library of Congress Control Number: 2018962848.
ISBN 978-0-8144-3979-1
Printed in the United States of America
18 19 20 21 22 LSC 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Information about External Hyperlinks in this eBook
Please note that the endnotes in this ebook may contain hyperlinks to external websites as part of bibliographic citations. These hyperlinks have not been activated by the publisher, who cannot verify the accuracy of these links beyond the date of publication.
CONTENTS
Foreword
Introduction: Left to Their Own Devices
PART ONE
A SOLID FOUNDATION
Chapter 1: A Digital Journey Begins
Chapter 2: Learning to Be Human
PART TWO
A STURDY STRUCTURE
Chapter 3: Reputation
Chapter 4: Screen Time
Chapter 5: Relationships
Chapter 6: Privacy
PART THREE
A VIBRANT COMMUNITY
Chapter 7: Thinking Critically
Chapter 8: Digital Leadership
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
Endnotes
Index
Foreword
What kind of kids do you want to raise?
After writing more than twenty-four parenting books and speaking with more than a million parents on six continents, I’ve discovered almost all parents want the same thing: They want to raise kids who will grow up to become human beings who are good and kind.
But in a world where screen time is more common than face time, and where digital connections often replace personal connections, this is quite a challenge. Lucky for you, the secret to raising humans in a digital world is in your hands.
While you might find other digital parenting books out there, what’s different about this book is its author. I know Diana on both a personal and professional level—we’ve rubbed elbows at conferences on both coasts, shared stories, and asked each other, “What do kids need most?” I can assure you she’s a trustworthy authority to answer this essential parenting question in a simple, straightforward manner. Here’s why:
•Diana has her pulse on this topic. A digital literacy educator for nearly a decade (rare longevity these days), she’s tried and tested everything you are about to read and done so on the best guinea pigs in the world . . . real kids.
•Through Cyberwise and Cyber Civics, her two digital literacy sites, she’s provided resources to and interacted with hundreds of thousands of parents and their kids over the years.
•She’s on the speaking circuit, talking to communities across the United States and listening to their concerns.
•She’s done her homework, earning one of the first-ever graduate degrees in a new, and timely, field of study called “media psychology and social change.”
•And, most important, she’s a parent who cares deeply about kids.
The media knows about Diana, too. NBC’s TODAY Show visited her classroom at Journey School in Southern California to feature Diana and her students engaging in some of the very activities you’ll read about in this book.
I love how she compares raising a human today to building a house, telling you to start with a strong foundation of social skills, like empathy, and to build up from there. She gives you the tools you’ll need—and the building plan, too. This book contains a treasure trove of how-tos and simple activities, as well as sage wisdom and insights from interviews with more than forty experts in the field.
My advice? Read this book, keep it by your nightstand, or even pass it on to other parents. But most important, apply what you are about to learn. Remember, your kids don’t need the latest app or gadget: they need you! Your time and attention, along with what you’ll learn in this book, are the secret ingredients to raising humans in our digital world.
Dr. Michele Borba
Internationally Recognized Educator, Speaker, and Bestselling Author of Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World
Palm Springs, August 6, 2018
Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don’t criticize
What you can’t understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is rapidly agin’
Please get out of the new one if you can’t lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin’
BOB DYLAN, “The Times They Are a Changin’”
Introduction
Left to Their Own Devices
When left to their own devices people will get up to one of two things: nothing much, and no good.
—LIONEL SHRIVER1
One bright September morning I stood at the door of the large auditorium that doubles as my classroom on Mondays and said goodbye to thirty or so seventh graders as they filed out into the bright Southern California sunshine. Wes, a slight boy with big blue eyes who was new to the class that year, stopped abruptly in front of me to ask a question.2
“Why are you teaching us this stuff?”
That surprised me. I thought it was obvious. Our class, called “Cyber Civics,” met weekly throughout the entirety of their middle-school years— sixth, seventh, and eighth grades—so I could teach students the digital life skills they’d need to use technology safely and wisely. And that’s what I told him.
“But isn’t that our parents’ job?” he asked.
He had me there. Fundamentally, I suppose, this is a parent’s job. But in defense of parents everywhere, myself included, we didn’t grow up with this stuff. Most of us are still figuring out how to use new technology safely and wisely, and sometimes not doing a very good job at it.
But we grew up in an entirely different world. When we were kids, we could engage in silly, embarrassing—and perhaps even borderline illegal— activities without the worry of our antics being recorded and posted online. Our social networking happened at the mall or on a neighborhood street corner. Peer approval didn’t depend on “likes” or friend requests, but rather on an actual smile, nod, laugh, or high five. We learned how to read a map, use a telephone book, and even what “counterclockwise” meant. We owned a camera. If soccer or band practice ended early, we had to wait patiently to be picked up or use a conveniently located pay phone and hope we had a dime in our pocket to call home.
In terms of access to information, the world is almost unrecognizable from a few short decades ago. Consider the task of doing research for a school project. Blessed were those twenty-six volumes of Encyclopedia Britannica on the bookshelf! Otherwise it was a trip to the library to navigate a card catalog, then locate and read an entire book to find the information needed.
Those days are long gone. Today, kids walk around with information from all the world’s libraries accessible via the devices in their pockets, with Google and Siri to lend a hand. And the most amazing part? Young people don’t even find this amazing. Why should they? For amazement, they can throw on a virtual-reality (VR) headset and be transported to another world.
So far, this century has been packed with digital innovations that have radically altered childhood. Those of us tasked with raising kids during this period have been caught largely unprepared. New devices and what we can do with them—text, Skype, post, tweet, pin, chat, and so forth—have often distracted us from the job of parenting. Who hasn’t mindlessly handed a tablet, smartphone, e-reader, or whatever to a kid to have a moment to check email or post pictures on Facebook? Who can blame parents for not noticing that our children might be growing as addicted to their devices as we are to our own? Or that they might be exposed to inappropriate content, that their personal information could be at risk, or that their digital reputations were being constructed? Brand-new terms have left us scratching our heads, too: sexting, piracy, phishing, trolling, grooming, memes, GIFs, hacking, revenge porn, cyberbullying, predators, finstagrams, digital kidnapping, and more. All of us—kids included—have been left to our own devices trying to make sense of a whole new world.
YOU CAN TEACH YOUR KIDS!
Wes is right. Parents can, and should, be teaching digital life skills to their kids, and this book will show you how. But first, take a deep breath, because the downsides and dangers of this new digital age—many of which I just listed to get your attention—comprise a fraction of what happens online. I promise. Besides, while we worry that digital kids might be connecting with creepy strangers, or posting pictures that will keep them from getting accepted to college, they view their online world through an entirely different lens. A 2017 UNICEF study involving children and young people representing twenty-six countries discovered that these youth are overwhelmingly positive about the role digital technology might play in their lives. They are excited about opportunities for communication, connection, sharing, and yes, brace yourselves: even learning.3 It turns out that when young people gather online, good things can and are happening.
GOOD THINGS ARE HAPPENING ONLINE
While research over the past two decades has largely zoned in on tech use dangers, which can be serious and important for parents to be aware of, lots of good things are happening online:
•Social media helps young people strengthen existing friendships. More than 90 percent of teens report using social media to connect with people they know in real life.4 The same is true for those who play online games; 78 percent of gamers say that when they play, it makes them feel more connected to friends they know offline.5
•Learning is possible anytime, anywhere. Experts are at our children’s fingertips, and many young people are turning to online communities to connect with others who share their interests and hobbies.6
•Teens increasingly use social media to keep in touch with family members, strengthening family bonds and feelings of connectedness.7
•The internet creates opportunities for at-risk or marginalized youth to seek social support, advocate for themselves, and investigate resources for resilience.8
•Social media gives teens a chance to present their best selves, and college recruiters are noticing; 35 percent of college admissions officers say they check social media during the admissions process, and most report that the review benefited the applicant.9
•Youth are creating apps that make the world better. For example, sixteen-year-old Natalie Hampton from Sherman Oaks, California, created an app called “Sit With Us” so that no kid would ever have to eat lunch alone.10
•Social networking can promote youth civic engagement.11 This includes a broad range of activities such as volunteering, voting, and raising awareness of issues young people care about.
•Free and low-cost digital tools let young people express their creativity in numerous new ways: They can write blogs, take and share photos, make videos, collaborate on school projects, and more.
•Young people around the world can contribute to significant cultural change. In 2009, a twelve-year-old Pakistani girl named Malala Yousafzai began blogging about girls’ rights to education. Her fearless advocacy, even while she lived under the restrictive Taliban regime, captured the world’s admiration and earned her the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize.
While all of this is great news, there’s a fly in the ointment. Positive online experiences like these don’t magically happen when you hand your child a connected device. It takes time and effort to turn a toddler adept at swiping across a tablet into a teenager who uses technology safely, wisely, ethically, and productively. It’s on us parents to help youth discover how to minimize the risks and maximize the benefits technology offers.
To date, when teaching kids about tech, education has focused primarily on warning them about negative experiences that might happen rather than preparing them for positive ones that can. According to UNICEF, “the discourses available to children currently focus almost exclusively on risk and protection, and this is potentially undermining their capacity to imagine, and articulate, the benefits digital media offers them.”12 It’s high time to set our fears aside and get to the task of empowering youth to use technology well.
The good news is that teaching your kids how to maximize technology’s benefits is not only possible, but also can
be an enjoyable and valuable way to connect with them. In the pages that follow, you’ll learn what adults can and must do to help youth have a safe, healthy, and productive relationship with their devices.
RAISING THE DEVICE GENERATION
I couldn’t survive without my phone.
–EIGHTH-GRADE STUDENT
Kids growing up today spend more time with screens—smartphones, computers, tablets, etc.—than they do in school, with their families, or sometimes even sleeping. A study conducted by the nonprofit Common Sense Media found that, on any given day, U.S. teens spend about nine hours per day using screens for entertainment. For tweens—kids between eight and twelve years of age—time spent with screens is about six hours per day. This doesn’t even include the time kids spend on screens in school or for schoolwork.13 I asked Kelly Mendoza, Common Sense Media’s senior director of education programs, if she found these numbers surprising. “What makes them surprising is the multitasking,” she said. “A kid might think, ‘Hey, I’m doing my homework,’ but actually they’re on social media or listening to music. That’s what makes the numbers seem immense.”14
Look up from your own screens for a moment, and you’ll see kids everywhere either staring down into phones that now go everywhere they go or busy thumbing yet another text message. Texting is the most common and frequent way teens communicate with one another, with 88 percent texting friends at least occasionally and over half texting them every single day.15
It’s hard to believe we started texting one another in the United States two short decades ago. I was reminded of this startling fact by Jack McArtney, who was the director of messaging at Verizon where he introduced Short Message Service (SMS), more commonly known as text messaging, to the U.S. market in 1999. He likes to crack, “If you’re a parent, I’m sorry. And if you’re a kid, you’re welcome!”16