by Bijou Hunter
But my parents fixed my hurt feelings. Now, we can enjoy an evening together. Earlier, I invited Fred and Pricilla to dinner, so they can get to know Vaughn and Raven.
Despite seeing my mom during bouts, Raimi hides behind me when my parents talk to her. Caesar makes small talk like he’s a little Fred Donner in the making. He even mentions lawn care.
Eventually, Raimi settles down and helps cook the herb-crusted shrimp and goat cheese polenta. Mom joins us in the kitchen, working her magic on the girl. They talk about pets. Mom mentions the family’s pigs in Ellsberg.
“They’ll wear little bows and top hats for Avery’s wedding.”
Raimi loves this idea, giggling at the pictures Mom shows her. Nothing can express the amazing feeling I get when watching my parents bond with Raimi and Caesar. Bringing together my favorite people leaves my heart beating so fast. No words make sense, but Sam hugs me and says he gets it.
“I felt the same when you started hanging out at my parents’ house.”
Of course, Sam gets it. All my life, people acted as if I was too complicated or mysterious or maybe cold to decipher.
Yet, from day one, Sam treated me like I was an open book. If he didn’t know something, he quickly uncovered the answer. I was never going to be too much or not enough for him.
And that’s why I suffer zero worries about our future.
THE CHARMER
On the two-month anniversary of my release, Caesar, Raimi, and I officially move into Nev’s spacious ranch. The kids love their rooms, the pets, the yard, and, of course, Nev. We fall into an easy routine.
Most mornings, Nev and I drop off the kids together before stopping by my parents’ place. Fred and Pricilla are torn between enjoying less responsibility and feeling bothered by the quiet.
“The house feels bigger now,” Fred tells me one day when I visit him alone. Pricilla makes us coffee, and we sit out on their small porch. “Too big, maybe.”
“I don’t know why we have so much space,” my mom says, shrugging.
“There might come a time when we downsize,” Fred explains, seeming a little worried. “You won’t have to take care of the yard for us.”
“I can’t keep up with the plants,” Pricilla says and loses her smile. “They used to be perfect.”
“Listen here,” I tell them when their frowns linger for too long, “it’s no hassle for me to come over and help out. Don’t leave this house for my sake. But if you want something smaller with fewer stairs and less responsibility, there’s no harming in saying so.”
“There aren’t any of those retirement places around here,” Pricilla says, and Fred takes her hand. “We’d have to live a thirty-minute drive from you.”
“If that’s what you need, we’ll make it work,” I say, hating the thought of them so far away. “Or we can find you a small house around here. Or you could move into that bedroom suite in the back of Nev’s place. She had it set up for Alyn back in the day. Now, it sits empty.”
“We couldn’t impose,” Pricilla says despite her loving Nev’s yard and the sunroom full of plants.
“Don’t start acting like I’m a stranger passing through, and you ought to lie to save my feelings,” I say, and they both smile. “I’m your Sam. I know what you need, and I’ll always help you get it.”
“If it came to that,” Fred says as his dark eyes hold a worry I’m unaccustomed to, “what would Nev think about two old fogies in her fancy house?”
“It’s not all that fancy, and she’s got lots of space. In fact,” I say, thinking back to a conversation we shared weeks ago, “it was her suggestion.”
“No,” Pricilla says, blue eyes wide. “Really?”
“Back when her parents visited and stayed overnight, she realized how private the back area was. She mentioned if you two ever got the urge to live simpler, there was plenty of space with us. And you know the kids love having you around.”
“What about Rainbow and Sunshine?” Pricilla asks. “Those cats wouldn’t like the birds one bit.”
“There’s plenty of space. Don’t you worry.”
“What about Nev’s folks?” Fred asks.
“They have that swanky hotel downtown and three other kids with space. It won’t cause them any trouble.”
My parents can’t commit to something so suddenly. But I know they’re tired in a way they shouldn’t be. Caring for the house and the kids took a lot out of them. I don’t want my parents spending their final years worrying about small details.
Admittedly, Nev’s idea surprised me a little, but she’s accustomed to a full house. I also suspect she feels they’re safer under her roof, where the home is decked out with the best security and a small arsenal.
I bring up the idea to Caesar during our weekly ride. A few weeks back, his sister quit dance class when she realized no one expected her to keep doing stuff just to be busy. Now, Raimi spends Thursday afternoons with Nev. They often head to Whiskey Kirk’s, where Raimi gets a sundae and does her schoolwork while Nev organizes everything for the evening shift.
With the girls busy, I take Caesar riding. My boy relaxes as we race around Pema and Idyllwild. We often have no destination. We’re just enjoying the power of my Harley and the calm of the road. We usually stop somewhere to grab a soda. Today, we pick up drinks from a gas station ten miles from home.
“What’s happening in here?” I ask, tapping his head while we stand in the shade and watch the traffic.
“I really like Nev’s house.”
“It’s your house now, too.”
“As long as you guys stay together.”
“Nev and I can’t be apart anymore. That’s just how it is. Won’t make sense to you right now. Didn’t really make sense to me when I’d see your pawpaw and nana together. But when you find that gal, you’ll understand why I can’t let Nev go.”
Nodding, Caesar pushes aside his blond bangs blowing around in the wind.
“What if Mom was still alive when you got out?”
“Are you asking if I’d be with her?”
“I guess.”
Even waiting for this conversation to come up, I still worry Caesar’s too young to understand the truth. Still, I can’t hide from my boy.
“Your mama and I weren’t together like Nev and I are. Teigh was one of my closest friends, but she and I weren’t in love.”
“I know Mom dated other guys,” he mumbles, seeming nervous to tell me.
“And I knew that, too. She wasn’t doing anything wrong.”
Seeming relieved, Caesar’s stance changes. “But it’s different with Nev?”
“Nev knocked me off my feet right away. She’s been different since we met. I can’t tell you why. She and I just click like it was always meant to be that way.”
“Do you wish you met her a long time ago?”
Grinning, I tap his head. “Those are the kinds of questions that make people crazy, son. What point is there in imagining a world where I didn’t have you and Raimi? Now, are you asking if I regret all those years with your mama? Of course not. I don’t regret anything, even the painful stuff like you and Raimi being alone when your mama died. I don’t believe in suffering guilt. It doesn’t do any good. I just make the most of what’s right in front of me.”
“But if you make a mistake, shouldn’t you think about it?”
“Imagine you’re walking down the street, and you stumble over a cracked part of the sidewalk. Now, you’d learn to watch out next time, wouldn’t you? But you don’t need to let that worry about what happened fester. Just learn from your mistakes and keep moving.”
Caesar nods, but I can see him working through things.
“You can’t move forward if you’re afraid,” I say when he holds his tongue. “Just spit out what’s bothering you. We can handle whatever truth you’re juggling.’
“I feel guilty, I guess,” he says, focusing on the traffic speeding by the gas station. “I like the house and the pets. I feel happy. Nev isn’t Mom, but sh
e’s nice and fun.”
“Do you worry feeling so happy means you don’t love and miss your mama?”
“Maybe.”
“I know you weren’t so young when your mama died. You knew Teigh better than Raimi. But just in case you’ve forgotten how much she loved you, I remember all the times when she was feeling real low about her past. Crummy parents, trouble with drugs, feeling empty inside. But when she had you, everything in her got healthier. She smiled so much when you were little. She loved being your mama.”
Caesar’s face goes too still, and I know he’s fighting tears.
Rubbing the back of his neck, I explain, “And part of being a really good mama is knowing what your babies need to be happy. Teigh wouldn’t want you feeling bad just to prove you loved her. She knows, Caesar. I remember how bad she felt about having allergies, so you and Raimi couldn’t get pets. I’d tell her how it was no use feeling guilty over something she had zero control over. But she wanted her kids to have everything.”
Caesar exhales roughly, reining in his tears.
“I bet your mama smiles in Heaven every time you and your sister play with those dogs or cuddle with the cats.”
Glancing up, Caesar takes a good minute to calm himself. He finally looks at me and nods. “Do you think Mom would like roller derby?”
“Hell, I bet she’d be learning to skate as soon as she saw one game.”
“Bout,” Caesar corrects, and I grin. “I want to ask something else, but I’m not sure if I should.”
“With me, you never need to worry about spitting out your truth.”
Caesar’s blue eyes study my face. “What if you die or go back to prison? Do we live with Pawpaw and Nana again?”
“No, son,” I say softly. “Nev’s my woman, and she’ll watch out for you if I’m gone. We’re family now.”
Nodding, Caesar swallows hard. “I worry about feeling safe there. Like we’ll have to leave.”
“It’s normal to feel like the world is slip-sliding under your feet when so much has changed so quickly. I even find myself waking up, still thinking I’m locked up. Settling into change takes time, but Nev loves you and Raimi. If I’m gone, she’ll hold on tight and keep you safe.”
Caesar relaxes next to me. My boy gets some of his worrying nature from his mom. But he won’t have Teigh’s neglectful parents. If she’d gotten more love growing up, I imagine she wouldn’t have felt so lost for so long.
“Are you worried about making a good impression in Ellsberg?” he asks after we finish our drinks and head back to the Harley.
“With how much the twins talk, I doubt anyone will even notice we’re around.”
Grinning, Caesar slides on his helmet and gets ready to ride home for dinner. The girls will be waiting for us. Tonight, Alyn plans to stop by with her girlfriend, Capri, and the woman’s daughter, Exene. In a few days, we’re having dinner at Brick’s place.
A couple months ago, I didn’t know what to make of the changes in Pema, Idyllwild, the Reapers, or my family. Freedom felt more confusing than I expected.
But I’ve got my footing again, and I plan to enjoy every damn day.
THE CHAPTER WHERE THE STORY ENDS
THE CRACKERJACK
Avery’s wedding is a quiet family affair. Not even Dad’s biker buddies are invited. There’ll be no tiered cake or white dress. The wedding will be casual and kid-friendly.
Avery and Kiefer have long wanted a simple ceremony. They were only waiting for Sam to get settled back into life. Now, they’re ready to do the deed before Savannah grows too massive to travel comfortably.
The twins drive down together with their crotch goblins and Bjorn. My SUV is filled with most of the Donners, along with Violet. Sam, Caesar, Maverick, and Kiefer ride down on Harleys, enjoying the mild weather.
Back in Pema, Alyn is in charge of the various pets. Maverick’s cat and the Donners’ birds will survive our two days away. Everyone’s dogs need more attention.
My frenemy is fucking thrilled to help. She uses the tasks as an excuse to bring Capri and Exene over to swim in my pool.
After our caravan arrives in Ellsberg, I head to the Reapers-owned apartment building for club guests. Since the twins will bunk at our parents’ house, their vehicles split off from ours.
Once in the apartment, Maverick and Violet choose a room on the main floor, which they’ll have to themselves. I assume Violet gets really loud during sex.
“What a fun adventure,” Fred says as we ride up on the elevator. “Call me crazy, but I’m most excited about the pigs.”
“Me, too, Pawpaw,” Raimi says and hugs him. “Raven said I can help put on their hats before the wedding.”
While Sam and I share a smile, Caesar asks, “The Reapers own this whole building?”
“Yep,” I answer. “They have people who visit from all over the country. This is a secure location for them to stay.”
“Classy,” Pricilla says, and Fred nods.
I’m still adjusting to how excited Sam’s parents get over the smallest things. Next to the definition of “glass half full” should be their smiling faces.
I get them set up in an apartment before joining Sam next door with the kids. The plan is to hit up the Ellsberg Spring Festival before eventually meeting with my family at the local Whiskey Kirk’s for dinner. Tomorrow, Avery will make everything official with Kiefer while Savannah stares lovingly.
When Maverick texts to go without Violet and him, I smirk at Sam. “They’re so horny and antisocial.”
“Do they plan to have kids?”
“Probably.”
“Welp, then let them have fun now.”
Grinning, I look at where Raimi and Caesar stand on the balcony. The little girl plays with the locket Sam got her with Teigh’s picture inside. She has a piece of her mom with her all the time now.
The kids point at stuff, having a ball. Their enthusiasm makes me laugh.
“It’s funny how they treat this small town like a tourist attraction.”
“They haven’t gotten around much. Teigh didn’t like driving or flying. We only went to Louisville.”
“What do you like?” I ask, wrapping my arms around his waist. “Would you travel if it was up to you?”
“After this last stint in prison, I wouldn’t mind roaming.”
“This summer, let’s go a few places. We can drive and fly. It’ll be a great way to bond with the kids. When my family took trips, I was so sick of them by the end because there’s no escape. That’ll be good for us.”
Sam’s heavenly blue eyes study my face for a moment before he flashes me a smile capable of waking my every nerve. I lean into his body, feeling him imagining our future just waiting to be experienced.
An hour later, we walk through the festival I visited every year growing up. Raimi holds my hand while Caesar walks next to his dad. Fred and Pricilla keep wandering off like two easily distracted children. Worried I might lose them, I added a tracker to their phone before we left Idyllwild. Sam laughed so hard when I mentioned what I installed on his parents’ cell. Despite his amusement, I could tell he was relieved.
“We should organize something like this in Pema,” I say after Raimi gets a balloon animal and Caesar enjoys an ice cream cookie. “We could create a committee like the one in Idyllwild but less cocky.”
Sam chuckles at the idea. “Everything your family and the club touch turns golden. No reason to stop now.”
In the past, there’s no way I would volunteer to put something like this together. Roller derby was as much teamwork as I hoped to endure. These days, letting others run shit leaves me edgy. I want Caesar and Raimi to enjoy certain things I had growing up. Since those experiences won’t make themselves, I’m willing to work with Heidi, the twins, and whoever else necessary to add Ellsberg touches to my new town.
The next hour is spent on rides and eating junk. Caesar shoots at targets and wins an ugly little toy for his sister. Sam defeats the high striker game, so Raimi can
get a big lollipop.
“You’re scoring big today, squirt,” he says when she dances around with her prizes.
We often run into locals, forcing me to play the introduction game a dozen times. Here’s Cooper Johansson, his wife, Farah, their daughter, MJ, her husband and one of the local Reapers, Quaid, and their daughter, Thisbe. No, Thisbe, like Frisbee. Moving on.
We meet up with Fred and Pricilla, who convince Raimi to join them on the carousel. Meanwhile, Caesar and Sam play the baseball toss game.
I’m rooting them on when my past arrives in the form of Yulia. I get the childish urge to pretend I don’t see her watching us. Ignoring my ex would be so fucking easy. But I’m on a roll with pushing myself out of my comfort zone. No reason to chicken out now. At least, that’s what Alyn texts when I request help deciding.
After letting Sam know I’ll be back, I walk over to where Yulia stands. Her college professor buddies leave, likely hoping to avoid drama.
Yulia looks great in a simple peach T-shirt and black jeans. Her dark hair is loose and longer than I remember.
After we go through the usual hello-how-are-you routine, I say, “I’m in town for Avery’s wedding.”
“Will the pigs officiate like with Savannah?” she asks in her New Jersey accent.
Grinning, I nod and glance at Sam. “I came with my new family.”
“I see how it is,” Yulia says, zeroing on him. “Can’t say I’m surprised.”
“There was no replacing you,” I admit and shrug. “I never even tried. But Sam isn’t a consolation prize. He’s why you and I never worked. He’s the one.”
Snorting, Yulia mutters, “You and your ‘one’ talk.”
“I doubted, too. But it’s real, and he’s mine.”
Yulia narrows her dark eyes and glances at Sam again. “He’s an attractive man. I can see the superficial reasons you’d decide he’s the one.”
“He has two kids with emotional baggage,” I blurt out. “Being with him isn’t about sex and fun. I have to sacrifice.”