by Judy Leigh
Herman nodded. ‘The kroakemandels.’
‘And it’s gorgeous here, this little restaurant right next to the river.’ Lil closed her eyes. ‘I was tired after walking around the town. It’s good to sit down and I like this food. It’s not too fancy.’
‘So, eating here in the restaurant is your favourite part of the day.’
‘No, it isn’t at all and you know it!’ Lil’s expression was one of mischief. ‘I’ll never forget the moment I looked up from my hot chocolate in the café and there was Thilde at the window waving, and, behind her, you were standing there smiling. My heart just jumped. It was such a lovely surprise.’
‘I agreed with Thilde and Pat that I wouldn’t tell you I was coming.’ Herman sat back in his seat. ‘I was taking a chance that you’d be pleased to see me again.’
‘Of course I was pleased,’ Lil retorted. ‘I just naturally assumed you’d be at work on the farm, that you’d be too busy to come and see me.’
‘I am seventy-eight years old,’ Herman announced. ‘I spend most days driving the tractor but today I wanted to see you. Besides, I have three strong grandsons who can do the heavy work now.’
‘Yes, I suppose you deserve to take things easy. Farm work must have been tough all your life.’ Lil thought for a moment and then she nodded. ‘It’s a funny thing, old age, isn’t it, Herman?’
He frowned. ‘Why funny?’
‘I mean strange-funny. You know, most of the time I forget I’m old. I’m just me, Lil, doing what I do and then I look in the mirror or my hip aches or I’m tired or it takes me longer to do something…’
‘Or you walk into a room and forget what you came there to find,’ Herman added.
‘Yes, that too – that happens all the time and I think I must be losing my marbles.’ Lil sighed. ‘I’m really lucky, I suppose – I’m healthy, I’ve never been ill, I’ve always been active. There are a lot of people our age and younger who are less fortunate.’
‘Age is at first a number,’ Herman murmured. ‘Yes, it is an accumulation of years, a big number. I will never run a marathon now or go skateboarding. I know my limitations. But it is also an attitude of mind, keeping options open, doing what we can and living life to the full.’
Herman lifted a large hand and placed it over Lil’s. She enjoyed the feeling of her smaller one being covered, encased and warm. She frowned, a thought floating into her mind. ‘But the big difference for me now I’m in my eighties, Herman – well, I often wonder how long I have left. I mean, you don’t think about dying when you’re thirty, when you’re busy living life at a fast pace. But sometimes I think to myself, “Well Lil, today’s another day and you’re one day closer to death.” And it makes me feel terrible.’
Herman raised his bushy brows. ‘So you worry about dying?’
‘I do. I worry about what it will feel like and what will happen to Cassie when I’m gone and, do you know, Herman, sometimes I can’t believe that it will really happen? But I know that it will, of course. Life will suddenly stop. There will be no more Lil, just a shell that was once me, a body, but it’ll be empty and the bit that was me will have vanished. And that’s it, all done, finished, forever.’
Herman exhaled. ‘Perhaps anxiety is what makes us feel old.’
‘Don’t you worry about dying?’
‘No, not any more.’
Lil examined his expression and suddenly felt sad. ‘Because you lost your wife? Because you watched her die? And your son too? Surely that makes it worse.’
‘Watching Theodora die was sad. When Dirk died, and I had lost two people I loved, I became very aware of my own mortality, yes.’ Herman wrapped his fingers around Lil’s, holding them firmly. ‘After that, I had a health problem myself. For more than a year, I battled with prostate trouble and I wasn’t sure if I would recover. It slowed me down and I could have given up several times. But I fought it and I was lucky.’
‘You’re very brave,’ Lil breathed.
‘I am no longer afraid.’ Herman shook his head. ‘I am lucky to be here and, as life goes on, I find more ways to be happy. And now I have met you. I would never have believed that such a fine woman would come to stay with me on the farm and that I would find myself at this point in my life with such strong feelings.’
Lil opened her mouth, about to protest that she had to return to England, that their friendship would be brief or, at best, one maintained at a distance. But instead she said nothing. She didn’t want to change the happiness on Herman’s face. She didn’t want to spoil the moment for either of them, so she simply smiled.
Herman’s grin broadened. ‘Well, we have an hour before I have to be at the railway station with Thilde. What would you like to do?’ Lil shrugged. Herman gave a small cough. ‘We can stay here and have another drink. Or maybe we can take a walk…’
‘Oh, yes, let’s have a short stroll.’ Lil brightened. ‘We can sit on a bench somewhere and watch the barges drift by. I’d like that.’
Herman stood slowly, offering Lil his arm. ‘Come along then, mijn schatje. Let’s have some quiet time together by the river before I go home.’
Twenty minutes later, Lil and Herman were leaning against the railings of a bridge, watching a barge disappear beneath them. The glassy water split as the boat surged forward, leaving a trail of diminishing ripples in its wake. A child on the boat waved and Lil raised her hand in acknowledgement. Herman wrapped an arm around her shoulder.
‘I like Ghent,’ she breathed. After a pause she added, ‘I like Bruges, and Boom. I like all of Belgium. It’s all so clean and charming, picturesque and pretty.’
Herman was gazing at her, giving her his full attention. ‘Ghent is beautiful in the evening but in the autumn particularly it is quite special. When the skies are dark and the moon is over the river, the reflection in the water…’
‘It sounds nice, autumn in Ghent.’
‘Perhaps you would like to spend some time here?’
‘In Ghent?’
He nodded. ‘We could visit many cities. We could spend time at the farm.’ His voice was low, gravelly. ‘Each season on the farm is beautiful. The freshness of spring, the warmth of the summer and in autumn there is the harvest. The long evenings become short nights and sometimes the winters can be harsh and we sit by the fire and it is very cosy.’
‘It sounds lovely, Herman.’ Lil snuggled closer to him. The silence hung heavily on the air as she waited for his next sentence.
Then he whispered the words she had been expecting. ‘Cosy is better when there are two of you.’
Lil nodded. She thought of Clover Hill, of her warm little flat filled with her own things; she thought of Maggie and Brian next door watching the old programmes on television, of Jenny Price downstairs; Lil imagined her office empty, a chance to sneak in and make a mischievous call on her phone. She thought of Cassie just down the road, popping over to visit her whenever she needed something. Yet she enjoyed Herman’s company, his arm around her; she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be alone any more.
She imagined Cassie and Piet last night on his boat: what if Piet had asked Cassie to stay in Amsterdam and she had said no because of Lil, because she felt responsible? Lil forced herself to gaze up into Herman’s face, his kind eyes, his warm smile.
‘Are you asking me to visit you?’
He paused. ‘I’m asking you to visit and perhaps one day you may want to stay.’
‘I’d have to leave my old life behind…’ Lil’s voice trailed into silence. A huge lump had swollen in her throat and she swallowed it to prevent tears from coming.
‘I can give you my home and my heart in exchange.’ Herman’s voice was a whisper.
‘I’d have to… give it some thought…’ Lil had no idea what to say next.
Herman grinned. ‘That’s all I can ask. When you go home and think of me, maybe I will just be a memory. But…’ He gave an expansive shrug, wide shoulders heaving. ‘Maybe you can accept my invitation to come back to visit in Septe
mber and maybe – what is the expression? – we can take it from there.’
Lil nodded. ‘Maybe we can.’ She wrapped her arms around him and leaned against his shoulder as he kissed the top of her head.
‘It is time now,’ he muttered. ‘I have a train to catch. But we won’t forget each other, Lil. We won’t forget this day.’
‘No, Herman,’ Lil said sadly. ‘No, we won’t.’
Cassie was lying on the bed, a notepad in her hand, thinking about writing a poem. She wondered if she could write one about Piet and her evening on his boat in Amsterdam. She wrote the title ‘Regrets’ and then drew a line through it. Emily, her current roommate, was resting on the other bed, reading Birdsong. Cassie wrote down another title, ‘My Friend the Stranger’, considered it for a moment and then crossed it out. She sighed.
Emily glanced up. ‘You okay, Cass?’
Cassie nodded. ‘Life’s complicated. Yes, all’s fine, thanks.’
Emily went back to her book and mumbled, ‘You should have my life if you want complicated…’
‘Do you mean Alex?’
‘Alex, yes.’ Emily put down her book and rolled on her back. ‘We’re supposed to be announcing our engagement at Christmas.’
‘That’s wonderful. Why is that complicated?’
‘I’m not sure complicated is the right word.’ Emily stretched out her arms. ‘It’s just difficult. I haven’t seen him since the beginning of June. That’s over two months now.’
‘It must be so hard,’ Cassie said sympathetically.
‘I’m glad I came on this trip. The boys are such great company and the football game was awesome. Daytimes are fun, but then at night time by myself, I start thinking about Alex and I hope he’s all right over there. It’s so far away, Cass.’
‘But you talk on the phone a lot?’
‘When we can.’ Emily seemed sad. ‘But recently…’
Cassie’s phone buzzed by the side of her bed. She picked it up. ‘It’s Jamie,’ she muttered. ‘Sorry, Em – I’ll just take this on the stairs.’
Cassie rushed out onto the landing, leaving the door open behind her. She sat on the top stair leading down towards the ground floor.
‘Hi, Jamie. How are things?’
‘Cassie! Things are fine. How’s Ghent?’
Cassie was pleased to hear him sound so cheerful. ‘It’s great here – you’d like it. I have so much to tell you when I’m back. I wish you’d come with us.’
‘Lil wanted you all to herself.’ Jamie’s voice was mischievous. ‘How is she?’
‘She’s having a great time. Apparently, she was in the red-light district last night chatting to the sex workers…’
‘You let Lil loose in the red-light district?’ Jamie seemed both amused and shocked.
‘Oh, she and Maggie had a great time.’ Cassie made her voice breezy. Her thoughts moved quickly; she was asking herself why she hadn’t just told Jamie about her dinner on Piet’s houseboat. She changed the subject. ‘Anyway, what’s the latest from home?’
‘I bring some good news.’ Jamie sounded bright. ‘There was a call on the landline this morning from someone in London, Hammersmith actually, wanting you to do a poetry and music gig there in November. I said you’d call them as soon as you were back. I didn’t want them to spoil your holiday by ringing your mobile or emailing you. But a gig in London on November the fifth might be lovely.’
‘We could make a week of it – I can call a few people and do a few more venues while I’m there.’ She thought for a moment. ‘I know – I’ll write a poem specially for Bonfire Night.’
The line was quiet, then Jamie’s voice came to her. ‘I miss you.’
‘I’ll be home in a few days.’
‘I’m looking forward to it. The place is quiet without you here.’
Cassie laughed. ‘Enjoy the peace while you can.’
He didn’t return her laugh. ‘Come home soon.’
‘I will,’ she murmured softly.
‘Bye, Cass.’ There was a click and Cassie put her phone in her pocket with a sigh, clambered up from the step and made her way back to her room, imagining Jamie lying on the couch, whispering into the phone and then turning his attention to the television.
Emily was lying on the bed on her front, her mobile phone clutched in her fist. Cassie stood in the doorway, about to make a comment about Jamie when she realised Emily was sobbing. Cassie moved to the bed and put a hand on Emily’s shoulder.
‘Em? Is everything all right?’
‘No. I don’t know. I don’t think so.’ Emily sniffed. She rolled over and sat upright, her face streaked with tears, and took a shuddering breath. ‘I just tried to ring Alex. It’s the third time I’ve phoned today. I can’t get an answer.’
Cassie sat on the bed next to her. ‘It must be difficult to get through. I mean, it’s a long way away and phone connections…’
‘He rings me when he can: I hear from him at least twice a week. But it’s been days now and I’ve heard nothing.’ Emily spoke softly. ‘It’s really unusual to hear nothing at all for such a long time.’
Cassie placed a friendly hand on her shoulder. ‘I’m sure there is a logical explanation.’
Emily wiped a hand across her brow. ‘Yes, thanks, Cassie – I’m sure there is too. It’s just – I can’t help worrying when I hear nothing – all the stories he’s told me of life out there and… normally, I’m so strong but this time, I don’t know, I feel fretful. Maybe it’s because I’m away from home and not busy at work and I have more time to think about things…’
Cassie threw her arms around Emily, her cheek pressing against the soft hair. ‘Try not to worry. I’m sure he’ll call as soon as he can. Meanwhile, focus on enjoying your holiday. We have a couple of days left. We’ll have a lovely time then we’ll all be home and you’ll find out everything will be fine.’
‘Yes, thanks – you’re right.’ Emily pulled Cassie close again, a desperate hug. ‘I’m just being silly. It’s just – it’s such a horrible feeling when you are away from someone you care about…’
‘It’s not silly at all.’ Cassie shook her head, understanding a little how Emily felt. She was thinking about Jamie. He was missing her; it was more than just needing company. He wanted to be with her. And Cassie was looking forward to seeing him too. The thought filled her with astonishment as she recalled Piet’s words on the barge. ‘You think yourself a free spirit, but I saw it in your face, how you feel about this man.’
Cassie felt the stirring of an unfamiliar emotion. Jamie was warm, easy-going, handsome; he was loyal, kind-hearted. He didn’t seem to find her too independent, too headstrong and opinionated. He had mentioned the possibility of a gig in London and, suddenly, the prospect of him accompanying her seemed very exciting. Cassie breathed out, wondering why she felt happier, more alive and filled with a sense of purpose.
Lil clambered up the stairs, Pat beside her, their expressions mournful. Pat groaned. ‘Why does it hurt so much when you have to leave someone you love?’
Lil sighed. ‘Did you and Thilde have a great time today?’
‘It was just brilliant, Lil. It makes it even harder to be apart now.’
Lil decided it might be better to say nothing. They had almost reached the landing, Lil walking slowly; her hip suddenly felt stiff and aching. Then she heard a noise. A little way down the corridor, Denise’s door opened with a furtive creak and a man emerged from the darkness. Lil suddenly went into Charlie’s Angels mode. She imagined Brian watching the crime-fighting Angels from his armchair and she was on the screen; she decided immediately that she was the tough one with sleek dark hair. She pulled Pat back into the shadows of the wall and pressed a finger against her lips.
They watched in silence as Ken stood upright, stretching his arms over his head as Denise’s door closed with a sharp click. He paused for a moment as if thinking or waiting. Lil met Pat’s eyes as they each put a hand over their own mouths to stifle a simultaneous guffaw.
Lil turned to meet Pat’s grin. ‘It seems someone is getting plenty of action tonight, Pat, even if we’re not.’ She laughed softly. ‘Ken and Sue and Denise, the eternal triangle. Well, I never! Someone ought to write a book about it.’
Pat shook his head. ‘Maybe Ken will put it in his next novel.’
‘They kept that little liaison a big secret.’ Lil winked.
‘Secret?’ Pat pressed Lil’s arm affectionately. ‘No way. Everyone on the bus has known about the goings-on between those three for days. The only problem is…’ he winked ‘… Sue and Denise have no idea.’
‘Poor Sue and Denise.’ Lil’s eyes shone. ‘I feel so sorry for both of them, Pat – when they find out about Ken’s exploits, there will be some fireworks… and goodness knows who will get hurt in the blast.’
27
The breakfast table was arranged with bread, sliced Gouda and ham, jams and honey, and pots of tea and coffee, but not everyone was hungry. Emily toyed with her coffee spoon, stirring her drink with glazed eyes, eating nothing. Pat devoured several slices of bread and cheese, but his half-closed eyes showed that his mind was elsewhere and he had little to say when DJ and Jake quizzed him about his date with Thilde, preferring to answer, ‘Ah, that’s just for me to know,’ to everything.
Ken seemed tired, smiling sweetly at Sue to his right and glancing warmly at Denise to his left as they both tried to tempt him with morsels of food, offering extra coffee to keep his energy up. Duncan had a hangover and wondered if the hotel could provide him with a couple of fried eggs so that he would feel better. Tommy was as ravenous as ever, declaring he needed the extra calories to drive to Dunkerque, where they would be spending the day. Emily sighed and Denise added, ‘Oh, no, not more dead men in graves.’ Emily’s eyes suddenly filled with tears and she stared at her fingers. Denise gazed at Ken hopefully, whispering a suggestion in his ear that no one else could hear.