by Brad Graber
Harry bit his lip as he turned to see the two teenagers.
“Go on,” Rikki goaded him. “I want to know. You have to tell me.”
“Actually,” Edward chimed in, addressing Harry, “I’d like to hear this, too. Maybe it might explain why you’re so damn hard to reach at times.”
Harry leaned against the kitchen counter, bracing himself. “She shuts people out. If they don’t behave exactly as she wants, she closes everything down. She shut Richard out because he was gay. She was too proud to have a gay son. Too scared what people might think of her.”
“That isn’t true,” Rita insisted. “That isn’t true!”
“Then why did you reject him?”
Rita gasped, “I couldn’t deal with him. I never could. He thought he was superior. Smarter than me. And he was,” she said, pleading as she made her case to the group in the kitchen. “And then, when he told me he was gay, it was like I’d finally found something to justify my feelings. A reason to not like him. I was glad. For all his superior behavior . . . I was glad. You see, I didn’t like him. Is that a terrible thing to admit? I didn’t like my own child,” Rita cried, between large gulps of air. “And then when he got sick, I couldn’t be there. I couldn’t,” she sobbed, bending over till her head touched the table. “I was scared. So scared. And it was too late to do anything. I’d been such a terrible mother.”
Rikki came up to Rita. She placed a hand on her grandmother’s shoulder. There was silence as all eyes focused on Rita as she composed herself, slowly sitting up once again, straight in the seat, a hand reaching up to cover Rikki’s hand.
“And Elle. You told Elle not to visit,” Harry reminded her.
Rita lifted a fist that held a crumpled napkin. “I never told my daughter what to do.”
“But you made it impossible for her, didn’t you? She loved Richard, but you didn’t want them to be close. You got in the middle of their relationship.”
“No,” Rita insisted. “Never.”
“Then why didn’t Elle go to the hospital? Why did Richard die without his sister by his side? Why did I go through all of that alone? Only Richard and me?”
Edward’s expression shifted. He appeared visibly moved. “Oh, God, Harry. You were all alone?”
Rita defended herself. “She was scared. It was 1989. No one knew what the hell was going on and she’d just found out she was pregnant. She didn’t want to risk catching AIDS. How could she risk her life? The life of a baby growing inside of her? It wasn’t fair to ask her to see him. If he hadn’t been gay, it would never have happened,” Rita screeched. “It was his fault. He was the one to blame. Don’t you see? It was all Richard’s fault.”
Rikki pulled away from her grandmother. “His fault?”
“Yes,” Rita pleaded. “What’s wrong with you people?” she asked as she looked about the room. “I wasn’t the one who made him sick. I wasn’t the one who made him into a homosexual.”
Harry glared at her. Lil held a hand over her mouth in seeming disbelief. Edward looked away. Barney crossed his arms as he joined Harry, leaning against the kitchen counter.
“Well, I didn’t,” Rita continued. “It’s always the mother, isn’t it? We’re always the one to blame. Where the hell was his father?”
“Seymour was dead,” Harry interjected. “The man died years ago. And besides, no one’s blaming you.”
“Yes, they are. Everyone is blaming me,” she gasped. “I’m blaming me,” she finally admitted, shoulders stooped, a look of total defeat on her face.
“Is that why you erased him from our lives?” Rikki asked. “Is that why there are no pictures of him?”
Rita offered no answer. Just a blank stare.
“And my mother. What happened to my mother?”
Harry held his hands in the air, sensing the need for privacy between Rikki and Rita. “Okay, the show’s over for today,” he said as he ushered Lil and Edward out of the room, leaving Barney. “We don’t all need to hear this. Let’s leave them be.”
◆
Rita looked over at Barney. “Does he really need to be here?”
“Yes,” Rikki answered as she looked over her shoulder and smiled back at him. “I want him to hear this.”
Rita struggled to find the words to begin. “This is very difficult for me,” she started, tears welling in her eyes. “I know what you must think of me. I’m hard. Very hard. But life’s made me that way. I wasn’t always like this. I was once gentle, like you,” she said to her granddaughter, as she looked into Rikki’s trusting eyes. “Just like you. But that was so long ago.”
“So, tell me,” Rikki said. “Tell me why you’ve kept so much from me.”
“Because none of it is very nice to tell,” Rita admitted. “When I was a girl, I loved Sleeping Beauty. Cinderella. Stories with happy endings. I was too naive for my own good.”
Rikki nodded. “I can’t quite imagine you as a young girl.”
“Oh, I was,” Rita assured her, a softness in her eyes. “I was. And as I grew up, I learned a lot.” The expression on Rita’s face hardened. “Things were not exactly as I imagined. And then I got married. Had a family. More disappointment. But I always loved your mother. She meant the world to me. And no matter what happens, you need to know that the day your mother died, my world stopped. It was as if God was punishing me. Maybe because I was so mean to your uncle.” She nodded. “And I was,” she said, accepting responsibility. “But to take away Elle, that was too much. Too cruel,” she said.
“But I still don’t know what happened,” Rikki said. “How did she die?”
◆
Lil and Harry faced each other in the hallway, Edward by Harry’s side. “Lil, I’m so very sorry about all this,” Harry said. “I should have been clearer.”
Lil gazed up at Harry as if seeing him truly for the first time. “Well, I shouldn’t have pushed so hard. I always do. Pushing seems to be my way.”
“Maybe if I wasn’t such an idiot, you’d have known to stop.”
“Oh, Harry, don’t be so hard on yourself,” Lil said. “It wasn’t like you were my perfect match. Far from it. And you weren’t that terrific in bed. Believe me,” she said, smiling over at Edward, “I’ve had better. I guess I just missed having someone around. And since you were around,” she said, glancing back at Harry, “I decided to pick on you.”
“So, then you’ll be all right?” Harry asked.
Lil’s eyes flashed. “Be all right? This bisexual thing really threw me off my game. I just didn’t understand what the hell was going on. Now that I know, well, Harry, maybe we can be friends,” she said giving his shoulder a hard push. “There are plenty of old goats like you hanging around waiting for a gorgeous gal like me.”
Harry offered a disbelieving look. “You’re still hurt, aren’t you?”
“Well, I am,” Lil admitted. “No girl likes to be rejected. And certainly not when she’s competing with a man. But at least,” she said, smiling again at Harry, “I wasn’t in love with you. And Edward is kind of sweet.” This elicited a smile from Edward. “I just hope,” she said, directing her comment to Edward, “that you’re here to stay. If not, I might come knocking on Harry’s door again. It gets lonely at night, if you know what I mean.”
Edward laughed. “Well, I think I’ll be able to work remotely from here. Of course, I’ll need to wrap some things up in New York.”
Lil smiled. “Well, then, I’ll see you around,” she said as she turned and walked out the door.
“She’s nice,” Edward said.
◆
Rita sighed. “You still don’t remember, do you?”
“No,” Rikki admitted. “Every now and then I have a flash of a memory, an inkling. But I’m not sure. It’s not very clear.”
Rita bristled. “I never wanted you to know what happened. Those doctors all told me I was wrong. That slowly the memories would flood back. But I said, ‘Why should she be hurt? Why should she have to suffer? Isn’t there enough pain
to go around without her having to suffer?’”
“I need to know,” Rikki quietly said. “You can’t protect me forever.”
“I tried,” Rita admitted. “I did everything in my power to stop the memories. First, I went to Michigan. You were in the hospital so I stayed at the house. Evelyn was with me all the time. And then, I thought about taking you home. I knew we had to leave Michigan. I couldn’t risk it. I had to take you back to Queens. And I didn’t want you struggling with all those memories. So I took your mother’s paintings down—put them all in storage. It nearly killed me—but I did it. You don’t remember the day I took you out of the hospital, do you?”
Rikki didn’t.
“The doctors said it was too soon, but I didn’t care. And when Evelyn tried to contact us, I told her ‘no.’” Rita jabbed the air with her finger. “‘You can’t see my baby. I don’t want anything hurting her ever again.’”
“But I was in school. I got well.”
“Yes, slowly. It was the beginning of the New Year and I enrolled you in school. You still couldn’t quite remember anything about your mother, but otherwise you seemed fine. You were talking again. Reacting to your surroundings. And I thought the routine was good for you. You’d finally come out of that terrible stupor. And then you came back to yourself. No worse for wear. Really. No one would have ever known you’d been in a psychiatric hospital. No one. You seemed perfectly normal.”
“But I had no memory of my mother. I still don’t.”
“Yes, which is why I put that picture in your room. The one from high school. It was your mother when she was a young girl. When our lives were perfect. Before”—Rita hesitated—“before the world started to catch up to her. When she was still safe.”
◆
“You were with Evelyn that morning,” Rita started. “You should have been in school, but Evelyn had let you stay home.”
“Glitter,” Rikki remembered. “I’d begged her to take me to see the movie. She was horribly embarrassed.”
“She should have been,” Rita emphasized. “Imagine, listening to a girl of eleven. That Evelyn is so irresponsible.”
Evelyn’s voice played in Rikki’s head. Your mother’s going to kill me. First, you talk me into taking you to see that horrible movie and now I’ve allowed you to skip school. I’m going to tell your mother that I was afraid you were getting a cold.
“Yes, I do remember,” Rikki said. “I do.” She closed her eyes and could see Evelyn standing against the kitchen counter, a cup of coffee in her hand. Rikki heard herself speak. “But we’re having so much fun. It’s like being best girlfriends.”
“Don’t you just love it?” Evelyn said in a silky tone. “Having this time together with you is so wonderful. I swear, Rikki Goldenbaum. I am going to steal you away. Your mother will never know what happened.”
It was all playing back in Rikki’s head. She could hear Evelyn. She could hear herself. She was remembering.
Evelyn turned on the small television that sat on the kitchen counter. “Now, my darling, what would you like for breakfast? We have raisin bran, oatmeal, and for you, I bought a box of Fruit Loops.”
The television screen slowly came into focus as Evelyn retrieved a bowl from the cabinet and filled it with the Fruit Loops. On the television screen, there was a building on fire. Smoke rose from the structure as Evelyn poured milk into Rikki’s cereal bowl.
“Evelyn, look.” Rikki pointed at the screen. “What’s going on?”
The milk overflowed as Evelyn turned to the television. “Oh, my God,” she said, as she put the carton down and adjusted the volume. “What in the world is happening?”
Rikki got up from the table to get a closer view.
Evelyn put an arm about Rikki’s shoulder just as a plane suddenly appeared, crashing into the adjacent building, sending a fireball into the air. Evelyn screamed as she pulled Rikki closer.
“A second plane has just flown into the Twin Towers,” came the voice of the CNN announcer.
Evelyn clutched her throat. “Oh, my God!”
Rikki stepped back, fear spreading through her entire body. “Is that New York City?”
“Yes,” Evelyn answered as Rikki watched the image of two buildings smoking and burning.
“What’s going on?” Rikki shouted.
“I don’t know,” Evelyn answered. “I don’t know.”
◆
“I was with Evelyn that morning.” Rikki said again, but now as a statement of fact.
“Yes,” Rita acknowledged. “Your mother was working in Manhattan. You were staying with Evelyn.”
“And then my mother called,” Rikki said as if in a daze. “She called me.”
“You were the only one on her mind.”
Rikki listened. She could hear the static on the other end of the line. “I remember now,” she told Rita. “I remember,” she repeated as she looked into her grandmother’s frightened eyes. “I remember,” Rikki said quietly.
◆
“Rikki, darling, sweetheart? This is Mommy.” Elle gasped for breath.
“Is she all right?” Evelyn asked Rikki, as she hovered nearby.
“Mommy, where are you?”
Elle looked up. “I’m in an office building in Manhattan, darling.”
“Mommy . . .”
“I don’t want you to worry, baby. I’m okay. I’m going to get out of here. Do you hear me? I’m going to be home with you soon.”
“But Mommy, we can see the fire,” Rikki cried as CNN repeatedly played the image of the second plane hitting the twin towers. “Mommy, you’ve got to come home!” she cried.
“I know, baby,” Elle wheezed. “I will. I just wanted to hear your voice. And tell you how very much I love you.”
“Mommy . . .” Rikki was wracked by tears as Evelyn took the phone, pulling Rikki closer, as Rikki pressed her ear to the shared receiver.
“Elle, are you okay? What’s happening?”
“I don’t know. I just got here when the first plane hit. I should have left then, but I had this meeting, and everyone thought it was an accident in the South Tower. I wanted to leave, but instead, like a fool, I watched in horror at what was going on across the way, and then . . .” Elle took a deep breath, “there was another plane. It hit below. Somewhere below. The explosion threw me to the floor. I’ve hurt my arm.”
“Oh, my God, Elle.”
“Evelyn, I’m not sure I’m going to get out of here,” Elle barely whispered.
Rikki screamed.
“You will, Elle. I’m sure of it.”
“I don’t know,” Elle admitted. “Put Rikki back on. I have to hear her voice.”
“Mommy, I love you!” Rikki cried.
“I love you too, baby. Now, make sure you mind Evelyn. Listen to her.”
“I will, Mommy, but please come home.”
“I will, darling . . . I will,” Elle said with certainty.
And then there was a deep rumbling, followed by an explosion. The line went dead. Rikki screamed, “Mommy! Mommy!” as she and Evelyn watched on CNN as the North Tower of the World Trade Center imploded with astonishing speed.
◆
“By the time I got to Michigan, you’d been hospitalized. You’d stopped speaking. Shock. You completely shut down,” Rita said, as she took her granddaughter’s hands in hers. “I made up my mind. I’d already lost two children. I was not about to lose another.”
Harry stood by the open door. Rita looked up, noticing his presence. “I may not have been much good as a mother, but I was going to make damn sure that my granddaughter survived. I owed that much to her mother. And, in a way, to Richard, too. You see, you’re his namesake, and I had so much making up to do. So much,” Rita repeated, shaking her head. “I’d been a selfish, foolish woman. I know that now. My first thought had always been about myself,” she admitted. “You were my chance to make it all right.”
Rikki withdrew her hands. “Then why didn’t you help me? Why didn’t you talk
to me?”
Rita looked at Harry as she answered. “Because some people are unable to change their nature. And my nature is to run from things that are unpleasant. I don’t like to see what I don’t want to know.”
Harry nodded.
“But I promise, from now on, I’ll change. You may need to help me,” Rita said as Rikki moved in for a hug. “Now, as for you, young man . . .” Rita turned her attention to Barney. “How did you happen to find yourself in my granddaughter’s bed?”
Harry interjected. “I’d like to hear that explanation.”
Barney shifted nervously. “Nothing really happened,” he swore, hand in the air. “We just fell asleep.”
Rikki pulled away from Rita.
“Nothing happened?” Rita asked.
“I was too scared,” Rikki admitted, blushing.
Harry exhaled.
“Are you sure?” Rita probed one more time, glancing at Barney and then back to Rikki. Both heads nodded affirmatively.
“Nothing,” Barney repeated.
“Well, good,” Rita said. “Thank God for small wonders.”
◆
Harry gently knocked on the guestroom door. “Rikki, are you ready?”
“Yes,” Rikki said, as she appeared in the doorway, her face glowing. Her thick brown hair, freshly washed, was pulled away from her face, revealing brown eyes that seemed to sparkle.
“You look wonderful,” Harry said, amazed at the transformation. “Lighter, easier.”
“A shower and a change of clothes will do that,” Rikki answered as she turned to lift her knapsack off the bed. Her roller bag stood nearby.
“Can we talk for a moment?” Harry asked, nodding for Rikki to take a seat.
“Sure,” she said, as she sat down on the edge of the bed.
“Barney and Rita are helping Edward load the car,” Harry started as he searched for exactly the right words. “Your flight leaves in two hours.”
“Yes, I know,’ Rikki answered as her eyes focused on him. “I’m so sorry about Beetle.”
Harry nodded.
“Is there something you want to tell me?” she asked, her tone serious. “Something else I should know?”
Harry rubbed his forehead. “I’m afraid I’m just not very good at this,” he admitted, as he studied the worried expression on the teen’s face. “It would be so much easier for me to write this down. Easier, if you were a character in a novel. Then I’d be able to tell you anything.”