by Amiee Louise
“It was time for a change, and it was pretentious as fuck!” he remarks drolly.
“Please, take a seat, Raleigh, I haven’t dragged you here for a lecture, don’t look so worried.”
He looks amused and I let out the breath I didn’t realise I was holding. I put my hand to my chest, and that’s when it happens. I burst into uncontrollable floods of tears. Fucking great.
Damien takes a tissue from the box on his desk and passes it to me. I take it, sniffing rather ungracefully and unladylike.
“Thank you, I’m sorry,” I sob as Damien waves his hand.
“You blatantly ignored everything I told you about Brody Hart, I warned you, but you chose to disregard that warning. Now, I’m not going to make a big deal out of it, that’s not my style, but hey, sales of the movie are up by sixty-two percent, publicity is key in this business, sweetheart. It’s mutually beneficial, for both of us. We’ve got some press conferences and interviews lined up; I’ll forward the details to Paul. If you could just do one thing for me, dodge the questions about the rock star for now, I’ll let our publicist handle that. Make the focus purely on the movie.”
I nod shamefully, as my stomach roils. I swallow hard and vomit all over the floor of Damien’s office. Fuck my life.
***
After my meeting with Damien, Cliff drove me home. I spent the whole journey in complete silence and stuck inside my own head. I couldn’t focus on anything else but the sickening sounds of Brody’s fists connecting with Carter’s body. The loud pounding of flesh striking flesh, the spray of crimson as it flew from Carter’s mouth as if in slow motion. I felt like I was watching a scene from a movie and even though I knew I should look away; I couldn’t help but keep my eyes fixed on the scene playing out in front of me. At that moment, I had no doubt in my mind that Brody loved me just as much as I loved him. He just couldn’t say it out loud and in that window of time, I made peace with it and I accepted it. My thoughts are interrupted by Cliff’s concerned timbre.
“We’re here, love, are you sure you’re ok? You haven’t said a word since I picked you up?”
I paint on a smile and look up, catching his gaze in the interior mirror.
“I’m good thanks, Cliff, it’s just been an eventful morning, that’s all. I’m fine honestly.”
He cocks his eyebrow as if he calls bullshit on everything I’ve just said. He pulls to a stop at the curb, steps out of the car, comes around to my side to help me out, as a photographer leaps out of nowhere, flashing his camera in my face. Cliff nudges him forcefully out of the way with a growl and I smile my thanks, as he sees me inside the building.
“Call me if you need me, sweetheart, I’m never far away.”
He leaves with a wink as I head up to my apartment, nodding my polite greeting to Aaron on the way through the foyer. I kick my shoes off, shut the door with a click behind me and my exhausted body crumples to the floor. I struggle to process the events leading up to today and I can’t comprehend the enormity of it all.
With every emotion barrelling through my exhausted body, I manage to get to my feet, and head into the bathroom. Closing the door with a click behind me and flipping the lock, I hit the play button with the remote control and the distinct sound of Johnny Cash, singing about how he can make me hurt, fills my ears. I open the bathroom cabinet and reach inside the small make-up bag I keep hidden at the back. I take my place on the floor, leaning up against the side of the bath and take out a razor blade. My hand shakes, as the blade makes its first slice into my skin. A feeling of silent relief washes over me and the euphoria of the bite of pain that follows, allows the endorphins to spread through my entire body, making me feel high. Like a drug, the effect soon wears off, and the need to mark my skin again overwhelms me and takes over my very being. The second slash, I go deeper until the crimson of my own blood, surges like a stream down my arm. I moan aloud, as the feeling rushes through me like nothing I've ever felt before. I'm hooked, I never want to stop feeling this fucking high, this relief, is like no chemical high I’ve ever felt, it’s euphoric, it’s…addictive.
As I make the next careless cut, I all of a sudden feel nothing. Gone, is the feeling of euphoria, gone is the relief. With the fourth and fifth slice, comes the shame, the bitter sting of tears, the tennis ball size lump that forms in my throat, threatening my composure. The sixth and seventh slice, the feeling of dread settles itself firmly in my gut and my stomach roils. I squeeze my eyes shut and I feel like I’m going to either throw up or pass out. The contrast of the dark red of my blood on my pale skin, doesn't stir anything inside of me. I'm numb to it all.
I lean my head back against the wall and a tear slips down my cheek. The dam keeping my tears at bay, seemingly snaps and the sound that escapes from me, sounds like a mortally wounded animal. I continue to audaciously hack at my skin, and the blood drips to form a pool on the floor at my side. I am startled by the sound of Brody shaking the door handle.
“Raleigh, open the door.”
I recklessly make another haphazard slash and I let out a scream, as the pain becomes almost too much for my body to bare. He rattles the door handle again.
“Raleigh!”
I sob hard, as my vision blurs and the endless flow of blood down my arm causes my head to spin.
“Get away from the door, Raleigh, I’m gonna break it down if you don’t open it, so help me fucking God!” he bellows impatiently and a few short seconds later, Brody’s foot connects with the door, splintering the wood and sending the door hurtling against the wall with a thud.
The look in his eyes breaks my fucking heart as he gets down on his knees next to me, causing me to sob harder.
“Fuck, Raleigh,” he whispers softly, the pain in his voice evident.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” I chant softly as my vision becomes fuzzy and my world is plunged into darkness.
Brody
Of all the situations I’ve found myself in over the years, this has to be the most difficult and definitely the most fucked up. As I hold the woman I have fallen hopelessly in love with, in my arms, I try desperately to stop the bleeding, by putting pressure on her forearm. I don’t care that I’m covered in her blood, I just want her to be ok. Please let her be ok.
“What the fuck have you done, kitten?” I ask to an empty room.
I get that her ex dared to lay his fucking hands on her, and I get more than most, but why she would resort back to old habits when the going gets tough. Why couldn’t she have just talked to me, instead of marring her beautiful body?
“Raleigh, it’s me. Come on, baby, talk to me,” I say softly while stroking her face tenderly.
I pull my phone out of my pocket, I need to call an ambulance. She’s losing consciousness due to blood loss, and by the look of the cuts on her arm, she needs stitches. I run my finger across the jagged cuts and my heart slams against my ribcage. Fuck, that’s new, I’ve never felt that before.
“Brody,” she whispers and as she looks up at me, her eyes so sad and desolate. She destroys my fucking soul.
“It’s going to be alright, kitten, I promise.”
I try to smile, as a gesture of reassurance, but she starts to sob softly.
“Brody, it hurts.”
I stroke her cheek and take her hand in mine.
“I know, I know it does, it’s gonna’ be ok. Shhh, I’ve got you, everything’s gonna’ be just fine.”
As I’m saying the words, I’m not even sure I believe them.
***
The beauty of having a doctor in the family helps immensely when found in situations like this one. As soon as I dialled Jay’s number and she answered after less than three rings, her voice instantly comforted me, and I knew everything was going to be ok.
“Hello, my darlin’, to what do I owe this pleasure?”
I chuckle softly at her greeting.
“You know me too well, Jay.”
She laughs melodically. “that I do, darlin’, now come on,
out with it, what trouble have you got yourself into this time?”
I pause for a few seconds, as I think how to explain this fucked up chain of events.
“There’s this girl I’m dating and…”
She stops me mid-sentence.
“This is a new one, a girl you’re dating? Why am I always the last to know?”
It’s my turn to laugh.
“Believe me, no one is more shocked than me, Jay, it just kind of…happened.”
She listens raptly.
“We met in rehab, she’s a recovering self-harmer, her ex…he-raped her and she’s injured herself,” I say in a rush, and she gasps.
“I hope that motherfucker has been dealt with, darlin’. If not, I’ll cut his fucking balls off myself, with that rusty scalpel I’ve been holding onto.”
I laugh at her obstinacy. She never fails to make me chuckle with her Mama Bear mentality.
“Of course, do not doubt that he’s been dealt with. Lenny took care of it. Look, Jay…”
Before I can finish my sentence, she jumps in.
“Bring her to me, I’ll patch her up, how bad is it?”
I look at her lying on the bathroom floor, with her head in my lap. “Pretty bad, Jay, she’s lost a lot of blood and I think she needs stitches.”
Jay clears her throat, as I stroke Raleigh’s hair away from her face.
“Ok, bring her to me, I’ll fix her up, darlin’.”
I breathe a sigh of relief. “Thank you so much.”
“You ain’t got to thank me. I’d do anything for you boys, you’re family,” she says sincerely, and I don’t doubt that for one second.
“Bring your girl to me, Jude will meet you at the front door and I’ll take care of the rest. Drive safe and I’ll see you soon.”
She hangs up before I get the chance to say goodbye. I pocket my phone and scoop Raleigh up in my arms. I catch sight of myself in the mirror, I’m covered in her blood and my face is still pale from my earlier episode.
I can’t help but let my mind wander, as I head down the fire escape with her in my arms, desperate not to be seen by the paparazzi. I start to think that addiction is a powerful thing. Once it gets a hold of you, it refuses to let go. I once asked Rick if two people with addiction could hold down a healthy relationship and he told me in no uncertain terms that yes they could, as long as long as they trusted each other and were one hundred percent open and honest about their feelings. As I look down at Raleigh with blood trickling down her arm, I’m not sure I believe him, not one fucking bit.
31
Brody
I make the fifteen minute journey to Jay’s medical practice, in Beckenham, with one hand on the wheel of my burnt orange Lamborgini Urus and one hand stroking Raleigh’s hair, comforting her and letting her know I was there for her. As I pull up at the curb, I am greeted by Jax’s dad, Jude. He reminds me of an older version of his son, with shoulder-length blonde hair and crinkles in the corner of his eyes. He looks like he should be in an eighties hair band.
“Brody.”
He nods and I open the passenger door, carefully scooping Raleigh up into my arms. She lost consciousness from blood loss on the journey here. My nerves are on edge, as I stride up to the door with purpose and head inside. Jay greets me, wearing purple scrubs and her hair piled up on top of her head.
“Fuckin’ hell, darlin’,” she says softly as she leads me down a short corridor and into a small side room.
Inside there is a hospital bed and beside it is a metal table. I put Raleigh down on the bed and I sink down to the floor, crumbling under the pressure of finding my girlfriend carelessly hacking at her wrists and covered in blood. So much fucking blood it brings back unwanted memories of that day, but I can’t allow myself to dwell on that right now. Jay sets to work on her and I cover my face with both of my hands, allowing the true extent of the day to sink in.
***
I’m sitting on the floor in the corridor with my head leaning against the wall when I hear the familiar ‘click, click’ of heels across the floor.
“She’s gonna’ be just fine, sweetheart, I’ve managed to stop the bleeding and I’ve stitched her up. Her arm is a fucking mess. I’ve sedated her and given her something for the pain, she’ll be sore for a few days, but she’ll be ok,” Jay says matter-of-factly, and I puff out my cheeks as she sits down the floor next to me.
She links her arm through mine and leans her head on my shoulder.
“Wanna’ talk about it? You look like death by the way!”
I chuckle softly at her brutal honesty. “Love you too, Jay!”
She laughs.
“The whole thing is just a fucking mess,” I admit. “I-I passed out at my therapy session this morning. I got taken to the hospital.”
Jay unlinks her arm from mine and looks me in the eye.
“You’re exhausted, it was only a matter of time before your body told you enough is enough.”
I smirk.
“Is that your subtle way of saying I told you so?”
She cocks her perfectly plucked eyebrow. “You need to start looking after yourself properly, Brody Lennon Hart.”
I know I’m in trouble when she uses my full name. I squeeze my eyes shut briefly and she reaches for my hand.
“Why are you not resting?”
I roll my eyes.
“Do not roll your fucking eyes at me! You might not be my son biologically, but I love you, you can’t keep doing this to yourself, please tell me you didn’t discharge yourself?” she asks, and it sounds more like an accusation than a question.
“I needed to see my girl.” I shrug nonchalantly. “It’s lucky I did, I can’t think about what would have happened if I was ten minutes later. It doesn’t bear thinking about.”
A chill works its way down my spine at the thought, as she moves closer to me and wraps her arm around me.
“You’ve fallen in love with her, haven’t you?”
I nod and lean my head down on her shoulder, the day suddenly catching up with me. Fuck me, I’m exhausted.
“I love her so fucking much, Jay, I can’t imagine my life without her in it. Neither of us are perfect, far from it, but we just fit. She’s everything and I don’t fucking deserve her. I’ve ruined everything, I battered the shit out of her ex at the premiere of her movie last night and I’ve created a nightmare for our P.R guy. He gave me a dressing down this morning, so I’m kind of avoiding him right now.”
She laughs.
“Keeping them on their toes, eh? Fuck ‘em!”
I smile. “I’m terrified I’ll need her the way Sam needs Peyton, I’ve never needed anyone, Jay, ever! This is fucking alien to me and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t do romance, I don’t do exclusivity, I don’t do the girlfriend thing! It’s been so long I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be with someone for more than one night. I’m scared shitless that she’s going to realise what a fuck up I am and she’s going to run screaming in the other direction,” I babble shamefully.
“Now you listen to me, and you better listen good! You deserve to be happy, sweetheart, more than anything. You learn from your mistakes and so fucking what if you’re terrified, that’s what love does! It’s supposed to scare you! It wouldn’t be real if it didn’t. And that girl in there, something tells me that she feels the same too.”
I squeeze my eyes shut briefly.
“Then why can’t I admit that I love her too, out loud? Everytime I feel like I want to say it, the words get caught in my throat and I just shut down! We’ve had so many arguments and disagreements about it. She just desperately wants to hear it, but I can’t say it! It’s not that I don’t feel it because I do! So fucking much, it causes my chest to ache, I feel too much when I’m with her and I’ve never felt like this about anyone. My mum told me once that I’d never fall in love because I was too much like her, a free spirit.”
Jay scoffs and I cock my eyebrow at her, trying to hide my smirk. Jay has an extremely stro
ng opinion when it comes to my mum.
“Free spirit isn’t a phrase I’d use to describe your mum, darlin’,” she says drolly as I pull her closer to me.
I let her comfort me, the way my mum should have.
Raleigh
My eyes flutter open and I find myself in an unfamiliar environment. A feeling of dread settles itself in my gut like a lead weight and I feel like I need to throw up. I swallow it down and take a few deep breaths, in and out, until the feeling dissipates. The door is ajar and bright fluorescent light from outside illuminates the room. I hear voices from outside, a male voice which I instantly recognise as Brody. I’d recognise his voice anywhere. I don’t recognise the soft female voice, it seems unfamiliar to me. Where am I? My heartbeat starts to quicken and as I go to move, my arm throbs. Fuck, that hurts. Then the vivid memory of today's events flood my foggy brain. The razor blade, the pain, the blood, so much blood.