Redemption (Tattoos & Tears - Brody Book 1)

by Amiee Louise

  “I take it by the silence you’ve missed a period?”

  I nod, full of shame. What the fuck was I thinking?

  “Fuck, Rae. You need to take a test; you need to be sure.”

  I nod. How am I going to look him in the eye knowing I could potentially be carrying his kid? This can’t be fucking happening.

  “This can’t happen, Liv, it can’t! Our relationship is fucking fragile as it is, what am I gonna’ do!”

  I start to panic. My breathing becomes erratic and my chest tightens. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

  “Breathe, Rae, breathe, it’s going to be alright.”

  She cups my face in her hands, as my breathing starts to even out and I shake my head.

  “What if I am and he freaks out? I can’t raise a baby on my own, Liv!”

  I panic and she rolls her eyes.

  “If you are, he’s just going to have to fucking suck it up! It takes two to make a baby, it’s equally on him as it is on you,” she says diplomatically.

  “Do you want me to go and get you a test? You have to know, Rae, the sooner you know, the sooner you can start making plans, this is a big deal,” she says softly, reaching for my hand.

  “I can’t do this, Livvy, I can’t.”

  A tear slips down my cheek and I can’t hold it in any longer, I start to sob hard. Liv cups my face in both of her hands again, her scent enveloping me and looks me in the eye.

  “Look at me, Raleigh, you need to be rational about this, yeah?”

  I nod, trying desperately to calm myself down.

  “Just how late are you?”

  My mind spins trying frantically remember just when my last period was. The truth is, I don’t fucking know. I can’t remember, which causes me to sob harder and uncontrollably. This can’t be happening, what the fuck was I thinking?

  “Shh, shh, listen to me, I’m going to nip out to get you a test, I’ll be quick and I’ll come straight back. Everything is going to be fine, you need to sit tight for me, yeah?”

  She placates and kisses me on my forehead, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Not fucking smart.

  ***

  I stand in front of the full-length mirror in my bedroom and turn to the side. Do I look pregnant? I run my hands across my stomach, don’t be fucking stupid. You wouldn’t be showing that quick you silly cow. Relax, Liv’s right, everything is going to be fine. I try to busy myself running through another new script I was sent this morning, not really taking in the words, as my eyes skim across the pages.

  I’m not sure how much time passes, but I am startled by the slamming of the door.

  “Only me!” she sings.

  I get up from the sofa and she empties the contents of a white plastic bag on the marble worktop.

  “I got a few, just in case!”

  She winks and I find myself laughing right along with her at her ridiculous wild ways. There must be about thirty pregnancy tests currently scattered across my kitchen worktop right now. She gives me a handful of tests and shoos me away.

  “Now go and shake your lettuce, babe, I’ll wait out here. As much as I love you and even though I’ve seen your cooch a thousand times, I don’t need to see that shit!”

  I laugh at her attempt to see the funny side of this absurd situation I find myself in. I go into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me with a click and sit down on the toilet. I take the test out of the box with trembling hands, briefly read the instructions and I pee on the stick, as I wait for the results develop. There is a light tap, tap on the door.

  “You ok in there, Rae?” she enquires softly, and I clear my throat, trying to sound confident.

  You’re fooling no one, Storm.

  “Yeah, fine, babe.”

  A few minutes pass, and I steel myself to look at the result. The test reads ‘pregnant +3 weeks.’ I slap my hand to my mouth and stifle a sob. Fuck it all to hell!

  “Rae, Rae, is everything ok in there? Open the door,” she says with a panicked edge to her voice.

  I’m just sitting on the toilet seat in pure fucking shock. I’m pregnant with Brody’s baby. This can’t be happening, what the fuck was I thinking? I can hear my mum’s shrill voice in my head.

  “You silly, silly, little girl.”

  I’m startled from my meltdown by the door swinging open and Liv walking in. The click, click of her heels as she walks across the floor and gets down on her haunches in front of me.

  “Rae? Talk to me.”

  I open and close my mouth and thrust the test at her.

  “I-I-I’m pregnant, Liv.”

  Her eyes widen, as we both utter the words “Oh fuck!” at the same time.

  34

  Brody

  As I lie awake, next to the woman I love, I start to think, that I’ve never really given much thought to how I would die. From an early age, I always had this feeling I would die young. Kurt Cobain, Amy Winehouse, Jimmy ‘The Rev’ Sullivan, James Dean, Heath Ledger, all dead before they were even thirty. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not thinking of offing myself or anything, I could never be that weak. I just often find myself thinking, what if my life had taken a different path? I'm grateful for the hand that life has dealt me - mostly. I have an amazing life, a jaw-droppingly, stunning woman, a roof over my head and I’m lucky to be surrounded by people, who love me. I can't help but think of the life I had before. The life I had before I became a world-famous guitarist, the life where I lived hand to mouth, where I had to beg, borrow, and steal, just so I could eat, so I could fucking survive.

  “What’s wrong, baby? Can’t sleep?”

  Raleigh’s sleep induced voice fills my ears, interrupting my dark thoughts, and I’m instantly calmed. I turn to face her, as I catch just how devastatingly beautiful she is. Five feet seven inches tall, slender, her short, lilac hair, cut into an adorable, pixie crop, tattoos covering both tops of her arms, in half sleeves. As my silver eyes find her unique amethyst-coloured ones, my stomach fills with the familiar butterflies, as she edges closer to me.

  “Something on your mind, handsome?” she asks curiously as I turn on my side to face her.

  You have no fucking idea, babe.

  “Nothing you need to worry about, kitten.”

  I tap my finger to the end of her nose, and she smiles, temporarily knocking the breath from my lungs.

  “You know you can tell me anything, don’t you?” she says innocently, and I know she’s just trying to help, to get me to open up.

  But the truth is, she can’t help. She can’t chase away the demons in my dreams, I wish it were that easy. The things I’ve done, the things I’ve seen, I can’t subject her to that, I just can’t. I turn onto my back and place my hands behind my head.

  “For fucks sake, Brody! Let me in! Talk to me!” she persists, but she’ll never know what it’s like to be inside my head.

  The darkness that contaminates my brain on a near nightly basis, is toxic, there’s barely room in my head for it. I can’t infect her with it, she’s too pure, and she’s too…fucking good, for the bad things, that I've suffered through over the years.

  “When are you going to trust me enough, to tell me what goes on in that fucked up head of yours, Brody? I thought we were finally getting somewhere.”

  She sighs and I turn to face her. As I move closer to her, I can smell her arousal. My lips collide with hers and I relish the feel of her velvet tongue, sensually dancing with mine. I thrust my hips into her, pressing the evidence of my arousal, in between her delicious thighs and she moans aloud.

  “Brody,” she pants breathlessly as her hands start to wander over my bare chest.

  I crave her, like that first hit of cocaine. Her taste, her touch, her scent; everything about her fucking overwhelms me. I don’t deserve to be this happy. I try desperately to push those wayward thoughts aside and just feel my girl. She softly caresses my face and she shift back from me, as if she has just come to her senses. She puts her arm over her eyes, shielding herself from me.

  �
��Don’t do that, Brody. Don’t fucking distract me with sex.”

  I chuckle wickedly, and she moves her arm away from her face, the look in her eyes conflicted.

  “I never mentioned sex, babe, but I’m sure I can be persuaded.”

  I wiggle my tongue suggestively and she shifts further away from me.

  “Do you have to make a joke out of everything? Why can’t you be serious, just for once in your fucking life!” she snaps, and I shrug nonchalantly.

  “Life’s too short, what can I say?”

  She raises her arms in frustration and yells almost incoherently.

  “You’re fucking impossible!”

  I throw my head back and laugh. She shakes her head, exasperated.

  “We’ve been together almost eight months, Brody! I just want to know you!” she all but screams at me.

  Fucking women.

  “You do know me, why can’t you see that? How could you doubt the way I feel about you?” I roar at her as she rakes her hands through her already sleep mussed hair. “You’re my heart, Rae, you complete me. You’re the reason I’m still fucking breathing,” I say softly and sincerely, but she cuts me off abruptly.

  “I don’t doubt that for a second, but I just want to know you the way Sam, Peyton, Lenny, Jay and the boys know you! Why can’t you see that?” she protests.

  I really can’t be fucking arsed with this shit.

  “It’s different with them, they’re all I’ve ever known. They might not be blood, but they’re my family!” I counter with more than a hint of frustration to my voice.

  Women are so fucking infuriating.

  “But don’t you want kids, a family of your own?” she whispers melancholically.

  As she says those words, I get up and perch myself on the edge of the bed, suddenly feeling exhausted.

  “No, I don’t want kids, no, never. I made that decision a long fucking time ago. Why do you think I’ve never been in a long-term relationship? I hurt everyone around me, can't you see that? For years, I influenced Sam, I set him on a path that wasn't good. I almost destroyed his relationship with Peyton before it had even begun!" I babble.

  I can feel myself getting agitated and the craving for a fix is so strong, my hands start to tremble.

  "But why, Brody? Make me understand! You deserve to be happy!" she begins to sob softly, and I know I'm being a prick, but she has to understand.

  "I've spent over a decade in and out of rehab and I've seen enough shrinks to know that I’m not good father material. My mum didn't want me, and my dad was gone before the fucking sperm got to the egg! I could never do that. I could never infect a child with my poison. I don’t want my child to go through the same thing I did… the poverty, the hunger, the loneliness. I might be a lot of things, but I’m definitely not fucking stupid. Yeah, I’ve got mummy issues and I’ve got abandonment issues, is that what you want to hear? Because that’s the fucking bottom line, Raleigh!”

  She swipes a tear from her eye, and I find myself totally fucking unprepared for the next words that come out of her mouth.

  “Brody, I’m pregnant.”

  35

  Brody

  How the fuck did this happen? Obviously, I know how but I always make sure my little gentleman is wearing a suit, the only woman I've ever been bareback with was Lorna. Raleigh sits up and waits patiently and expectantly for me to say something.

  "S...say something for fucks sake," she stutters, but I'm at a loss.

  "H...how?"

  Those are all the words I can manage. Fucking hell, Hart, get it together. She chuckles sardonically.

  "I'm fairly sure you know how, Brody, your penis entered my vagina..."

  I stop her from continuing by holding my finger up.

  "I'm not a fucking idiot, Raleigh. We've never gone bareback, Jesus Fucking Christ!"

  I run my fingers through my hair, get up from the bed and start to pace. When suddenly the reality of her revelation hits me like a ten-tonne truck. She’s pregnant with my baby. I'm going to be a father. Fucking hell, this can't happen. She seems to sense my inner conflict, and she jabs me sharply in the chest.

  "Oh fuck no! You don't get to do that, Brody Hart, there’s no way I'm getting rid of this baby. I've made my choice, I'm...we're doing this, with or without you."

  Her voice trembles on those last few words and my heart breaks, but I know categorically that I can’t allow this to happen. I can't infect a baby with my poison as well as Raleigh. What if I can't be a good father? What if I can't be what he or she needs?

  "I'm already in love with a child I haven't met yet, Brody. I'll admit as soon as I saw the word pregnant, I was fucking terrified. But I knew once I'd had time to think about it and process, I was all in, no half measures. I want to right the wrongs my parents did to me, I'll never do that to our child, never."

  She moves closer to me and places my hand gently on her flat stomach.

  "We deserve this, Brody, don't you want to give this baby what your mum didn’t give you?"

  As soon as she says those words, I rip my hand away from her and she visibly flinches.

  "Don't you fucking dare, Raleigh. Don't ever try and lay that shit on me! My mum was a selfish fucking cunt, who didn’t give two shits about me! I'd never ever do that to my child! I'm not going to get the opportunity, because I don't want anything to do with that...thing inside of you!" I yell angrily as she breaks down at my feet and starts to sob uncontrollably.

  She cradles her stomach, and her sobs pierce my soul.

  "Please, don't do this, please, we need you! I fucking need you, Brody! I can't do this on my own!"

  I shake my head.

  "After everything I just said, you lay that on me! No, no, I can’t, I can’t do this. I fucking won’t do this.”

  I swallow the lump that has lodged itself in my throat and walk out of the door to the sound of her gut-wrenching sobs.

  It breaks my fucking heart, but I know deep down it’s the right thing to do. I’m breaking my own heart in order to protect her from me and the poison that runs through my veins. Fuck, I’m going to be a dad. I swipe away a stray tear from my eye and head down to the garage, taking my phone out of my pocket. I dial the first number I think of, feeling more out of control than I have in months.

  “Kev, it’s Brody,” I say, trying to sound more confident than I feel.

  “Brody, my main man, how’s tricks? You looking to score?”

  I pause, looking down at my smart watch, one eleven a.m.

  “Yeah, mate, the usual, plus a bit extra, I’ll meet you in the normal place in twenty minutes.”

  My heart is pounding as I wait for his answer.

  “Prices have gone up, inflations a bitch. It’s double what you usually pay.”

  I don’t argue. I haven’t got it in me to argue right now, I just need to forget, I need oblivion.

  “You got it. Twenty minutes and don’t be late.”

  I hang up abruptly without saying goodbye and swing my leg over my precious bike. I start her up and feel the vibration beneath me. I push the button to open the garage door and I speed off into the night.

  ***

  I make it to Rise and Shine Café, the bell chiming as I push my way through the door. I’m suddenly hit with heat, a stark contrast from the chill of the night air outside. I’m not greeted by Emmy, but her mum Mandie. It’s been years since I saw her, she’s still as beautiful as I remember her, if a little older.

  “Brody!” she greets me, beaming her familiar grin. She steps out from behind the counter, taking me in. “Looking as handsome as ever, darlin’!” she compliments, and I smile as I hear someone clearing their throat.

  I turn to see Kev sitting towards the back of the café.

  “Friend of yours?” Mandie enquires quietly, and I nod as I head towards Kev’s table.

  “Usual?” she calls.

  “Please, sweetheart.”

  I take a seat opposite him.

  “Brody, good to see
you, mate, as always.”

  He reaches across the table and shakes my hand with a smile. Jesus, this guy has given me the fucking creeps for years.

  “You too, Kev.”

  Mandie places Kev’s coffee down on the table, and she busies herself wiping the neighbouring table. Her arse mere inches from me and Kev winks.

  “Think you’re in there, mate!”