by Nir Eyal;
Conscious parents can bring back playtime for kids of all ages by deliberately making time for it in their weekly schedules and seeking out other parents who understand the importance of unstructured play and schedule regular get-togethers to let the kids hang out, just as you would make time for a jog in the park or a jam session in the garage. Research studies overwhelmingly support the importance of unstructured playtime on kids’ ability to focus and to develop capacity for social interactions. Given that, unstructured play is arguably their most important extracurricular activity.
In addition to helping kids make time for unstructured play, we also need to carve out time for them to spend time with us, their parents. For example, scheduling family meals is perhaps the single most important thing parents and kids can do together. Studies demonstrate that children who eat regularly with their families show lower rates of drug use, depression, school problems, and eating disorders. Unfortunately, many families miss meals together because they “play it by ear,” a strategy that often leaves everyone eating alone on their own schedules. Hence, it’s better to set aside an evening, even if only once a week, for a device-free family meal. As our kids develop, we can invite them to shape these family meal experiences by suggesting menu themes like “Finger-Food Fridays,” cooking together, or contributing conversation topics.
As a family, play can and should extend beyond mealtimes. In my household, we’ve established a weekly “Sunday Funday,” where we rotate the responsibility to plan a three-hour activity. When it’s my turn, I might take the family to the park for a long conversation while we walk. My daughter typically requests to play a board game when it’s her turn to pick. My wife often proposes a trip to a local farmers’ market to discover and sample new foods. Whatever the choice, the idea is to regularly set aside time together to feed our need for relatedness.
While we must be prepared to make adjustments to our family schedule, we need to involve our kids in setting our routines and honoring our commitments to each other. Teaching them to make their own schedules and being indistractable together helps us pass on our values.
REMEMBER THIS
•Teach traction. With so many potential distractions in kids’ lives, teaching them how to make time for traction is critical.
•Just as with our own timeboxed schedules, kids can learn how to make time for what’s important to them. If they don’t learn to make their own plans in advance, kids will turn to distractions.
•It’s OK to let your kids fail. Failure is how we learn. Show kids how to adjust their schedules to make time to live up to their values.
Chapter 32
Help Them with External Triggers
After understanding the internal triggers driving kids to distraction and helping them create a schedule using the timeboxing technique, the next step is to examine the external triggers in their lives.
In many ways, it’s easy to blame the explosion of unwelcome cues tugging at our kids’ attention. With their phones buzzing, the television flickering, and music blaring into their earbuds, it’s difficult to understand how our kids are able to get anything done. Many kids (and adults) pass their days mentally swinging from one thing to the next. Constantly reacting to external triggers, children are left with few opportunities to think deeply and concentrate on anything for long.
According to a 2015 Pew Research Center study looking at youth and technology in the United States, “95 percent of teens now report they have a smartphone or access to one.” Not surprisingly, 72 percent of parents whose kids’ have a smartphone are concerned they “pose too much distraction.”
In many ways, it is parents and guardians who have enabled this situation. After all, we are the ones who gave permission and often provided the funds to purchase the distracting devices we’ve come to resent. We’ve bowed down to our kids’ demands in ways that may not benefit them or our households.
Many parents don’t consider whether their children are ready for a device with potentially damaging consequences and give in to the protest that “everyone in my class has a smartphone and an Instagram account.”
As parents, we often forget that a kid wanting something “really, really badly” is not a good enough reason.
Imagine a young child is standing at the edge of a swimming pool while their friends are all playing in the water and having a great time. The child desperately wants to jump in, but you’re not sure they know how to swim. What would you do?
We know swimming pools can be very dangerous, but despite the risks, we wouldn’t keep our children from enjoying the water forever. Rather, once they are old enough, we’d make sure they learned to swim. Even after they had the basics down, we’d keep an eye on them until we were confident about their ability to enjoy the pool safely.
In fact, we can easily think of a host of activities we wouldn’t let our kids experience before they’re ready: reading certain books, watching violent films, driving a car, having an alcoholic drink, and, of course, using digital devices—each comes in its own time, not whenever a kid says so. Exploring the world and navigating its risks are an important part of growing up, but giving a kid a smartphone or other gadgetry before they have the faculties to use it properly is just as irresponsible as letting them jump headfirst into a pool without knowing how to swim.
Many parents justify handing over smartphones in exchange for the peace of mind of knowing they can contact their children at any time, but unfortunately, they often find they’ve given their child too much, too soon. The swimming pool analogy is useful here. When children learn to enjoy the water, they start in the shallow end. Perhaps they wear floaties or use a kick-board to help them get comfortable with the water. Only later, when they have demonstrated their competence, are they free to swim on their own.
Instead of giving our kids a fully functional pinging and dinging smartphone, it’s better to start with a feature phone that only makes calls and sends text messages. Such a phone can be purchased for less than twenty-five dollars and does not come with the apps that can distract a child with external triggers. If location tracking is a priority, a GPS-enabled wristwatch like the GizmoWatch keeps track of kids through an app on parents’ phones but only allows incoming and outgoing calls to and from select numbers.
As kids get older, a good test of whether they are ready for a particular device is their ability to understand and use the built-in settings for turning off external triggers.
Do they know how to use the Do Not Disturb feature? Do they know how to set their phones to automatically turn off notifications when their schedule demands concentration? Are they able to place their phones out of sight and out of mind during family time or when friends come over? If not, they’re not ready, and they need to take a few more “swimming lessons,” so to speak.
Though parents tend to fixate on the latest technology craze, we often forget about older technologies, which can be just as much of a problem. There’s little justification for allowing kids to have a television, laptop, or any other potentially distracting external trigger in their rooms; these screens should be kept in communal areas. The temptation to overuse these devices is too much to expect our kids to manage on their own, particularly in the absence of parental oversight.
Kids also need plenty of sleep, and anything that flickers, beeps, or buzzes during the night is a distraction. Anya Kamenetz, author of The Art of Screen Time, writes that making sure kids get enough sleep is “the one issue with the most incontrovertible evidence.” Kamenetz strongly advises that “screens and sleep don’t mix” and implores parents to keep all digital devices out of kids’ rooms at nighttime and to shut down screens at least an hour before bedtime.
It’s equally important to help our kids remove unwanted external triggers during activities like homework, chores, mealtime, playtime, and hobbies that require sustained attention. Just as you may ask your boss for time to focus at work, parents need to respect kids’ scheduled time as well. If they are spending time on h
omework according to their timeboxed schedules, we must, of course, minimize distraction. But the same rule applies to scheduled time with their friends or playing video games. If they’ve made their plans in advance and with intent, it’s your job to honor that plan and leave them alone.
Recall the critical question: “Is this external trigger serving me, or am I serving it?” Sometimes, as parents, we can be a source of distraction. The dog barking, the doorbell ringing, dad’s subsequent command to answer the door, mom’s question about the baseball team’s game schedule, or a sibling’s invitation to play can all interfere with the time scheduled for something else. Though these interruptions seem trivial, any disturbance at the wrong time is a distraction, and we must do our part to help kids use their time as they planned by removing unwanted external triggers.
REMEMBER THIS
•Teach your children to swim before they dive in. Like swimming in a pool, children should not be allowed to partake in certain risky behaviors before they are ready.
•Test for tech readiness. A good measure of a child’s readiness is the ability to manage distraction by using the settings on the device to turn off external triggers.
•Kids need sleep. There is little justification for having a television or other potential distractions in a kid’s room overnight. Make sure nothing gets in the way of them getting good rest.
•Don’t be the unwanted external trigger. Respect their time and don’t interrupt them when they have scheduled time to focus on something, be that work or play.
Chapter 33
Teach Them to Make Their Own Pacts
When my daughter was five years old and already insisting on “iPad time” with unrelenting protests, my wife and I knew we had to act. After we all calmed down, we did our best to respect her needs in the way Richard Ryan recommends: we explained, as simply as we could, that too much screen time comes at the expense of other things.
As a kindergartner, she was learning to tell time, so we could explain that there was only so much of it for things she enjoyed. Spending too much time with apps and videos meant less time to play with friends at the park, swim at the community pool, or be with Mom and Dad.
We also explained that the apps and videos on the iPad were made by some very smart people and were intentionally designed to keep her hooked and habitually watching. It’s important that our kids understand the motives of the gaming companies and social networks—while these products sell us fun and connection, they also profit from our time and attention. This might seem like a lot to teach a five-year-old, but we felt a strong need to equip her with the ability to make decisions about her screen usage and enforce her own rules.
It was her job to know when to stop because she couldn’t rely upon the app makers or her parents to tell her when she’d had enough.
We then asked her how much screen time per day she thought was good for her. We took a risk by giving her the autonomy to make the decision for herself, but it was worth a shot.
Truthfully, I expected her to say, “All day!” but she didn’t. Instead, armed with the logic behind why limiting screen time was important and with the freedom to decide in her hands, she sheepishly asked for “two shows.” Two episodes of a kid-appropriate program on Netflix is about forty-five minutes, I explained. “Does forty-five minutes seem like the right amount of screen time per day for you?” I sincerely asked. She nodded in agreement, and I could tell by the hint of a smile that she felt she had gotten the better end of the deal.
As far as I was concerned, forty-five minutes was fine with me, as it left plenty of time for other activities. “How do you plan to make sure you don’t watch for more than forty-five minutes per day?” I asked. Not wanting to lose the negotiation that she clearly felt she was winning, she proposed using a kitchen timer she could set herself. “Sounds good,” I agreed. “But if Mommy and Daddy notice you’re not able to keep the promise you made to yourself and to us, we’ll have to revisit this discussion,” I said, and she agreed.
This is an example of how even young children can learn to use a precommitment. Today, as a spirited ten-year-old, my daughter is still in charge of her screen time. She’s made some adjustments to her self-imposed guidelines as she’s grown, such as trading daily episodes for a weekend movie night. She’s also replaced the kitchen timer with other tools; she now calls out to Amazon’s Alexa to set a timer to let her know when she’s reached her limit. The important thing is that these are her rules, not ours, and that she’s in charge of enforcing them. Best of all, when her time is up, it’s not her dad who has to be the bad guy; it’s her device telling her she’s had enough. Without realizing it, she entered into an effort pact, as described in part four.
Many parents want to know if there is a correct amount of time kids should be allowed to spend on their screens, but no such absolute number exists. There are too many factors at play, including the child’s specific needs, what the child is doing online, and the activities that screen time is replacing. The most important thing is to involve the child in the conversation and help them set their own rules. When parents impose limits without their kids’ input, they are setting them up to be resentful and incentivizing them to cheat the system.
It’s only when kids can monitor their own behavior that they learn the skills they need to be indistractable—even when their parents aren’t around.
These strategies are no guarantee of parent-child domestic harmony. In fact, we should expect to have heated discussions about the role technology plays in our homes and in our kids’ lives, just as many families have fiery debates over giving the car keys to their teens on a Saturday night. Discussions and, at times, respectful disagreements are a sign of a healthy family.
If there is one lesson to take away from this section, and perhaps this entire book, it’s that distraction is a problem like any other. Whether in a large corporation or in a small family, when we discuss our problems openly and in an environment where we feel safe and supported, we can resolve them together.
One thing is for certain: technology is becoming more pervasive and persuasive. While it’s important our kids are aware that products are designed to be highly engaging, we also need to reinforce their belief in their own power to overcome distraction. It’s their responsibility, as well as their right, to use their time wisely.
REMEMBER THIS
•Don’t underestimate your child’s ability to precommit and follow through. Even young children can learn to use precommitments as long as they set the rules and know how to use a timer or some other binding system.
•Consumer skepticism is healthy. Understanding that companies are motivated to keep kids spending time watching or playing is an important part of teaching media literacy.
•Put the kids in charge. It’s only when kids practice monitoring their own behavior that they learn how to manage their own time and attention.
Part 7
How to Have Indistractable Relationships
Chapter 34
Spread Social Antibodies Among Friends
When we are with friends, we’re never really alone in their company; our phones are almost assuredly present and ready to interrupt us with a poorly timed notification. Who hasn’t witnessed a friend lose attention midconversation to reflexively check a phone? Most of us simply accept these interruptions, sighing them away as a sign of the times.
Unfortunately, distraction is contagious. When smokers get together, the first one to take out a pack sends a cue, and when others notice, they do the same. In a similar way, digital devices can prompt others’ behaviors. When one person takes out a phone at dinner, it acts as an external trigger. Soon, others are lost in their screens, at the expense of the conversation.
Psychologists call this phenomenon “social contagion,” and researchers have found that it influences our behaviors, from drug use to overeating. It’s hard to watch your weight if your spouse and kids insist on mowing down a dozen frosted donuts as you pick at your kale s
alad, and it’s difficult to change your tech habits when your family and friends shun you in favor of their screens.
Given the enormous influence others have on our actions, how can we manage distraction around those with whom we want to spend uninterrupted quality time? How do we change our tendencies toward distraction when those around us haven’t changed theirs?
Essayist and investor Paul Graham writes that societies tend to develop “social antibodies”—defenses against new harmful behaviors. Consider that in 1965, according to the Centers for Disease Control, 42.4 percent of adult Americans smoked, a number that is expected to fall to just 12 percent by 2020. Of course, legal restrictions played an important role in the precipitous decline in smoking rates. However, laws do not prevent people from smoking in their own homes, and yet that custom changed even in the absence of regulation.
I remember my parents keeping ashtrays around the house in my childhood, despite being nonsmokers. At the time, people smoked indoors, around children, at the office—wherever they pleased. My mother did her best to discourage the smoking habit by providing an ashtray shaped like a bony skeleton hand, but that not-so-subtle reminder of the consequences of smoking was all she felt comfortable doing. In those days, it was considered strange, if not rude, to ask someone to smoke outside your home.
Today, however, things are very different. I’ve never owned an ashtray. No one has ever asked to smoke in my home; they already know the answer. It scares me to imagine the look on my wife’s face if someone were to light up on our living room couch—that person wouldn’t be in our house or our circle of friends for long.