Indistractable

by Nir Eyal;

  How did the norms around smoking change so dramatically in the course of just one generation? According to Graham’s theory, people adopted social antibodies to protect themselves, similar to the way our bodies fight back against bacteria and viruses that can harm us. The remedy for distraction in social situations involves the development of new norms that make it taboo to check one’s phone when in the company of others.

  Social norms are changing, but whether they change for the better is up to us.

  The only way to make sure certain unhealthy behaviors are no longer acceptable is to call them out and address them with social antibodies that block their spread. This tactic worked with smoking, and it can work with digital distractions.

  Let’s imagine you’re at a dinner party when someone takes out his phone and starts to tap away. While you likely already know that spending time on a device in an intimate social setting is rude, there’s often at least one person who hasn’t learned the new social norm. Embarrassing him in front of others isn’t a good idea, assuming you want to stay friends; a subtler tactic is required.

  To help keep things cordial, a simple and effective approach is to ask a direct question that can snap the offender out of the phone zone by giving him two simple options: (1) excuse himself to attend to the crisis happening on his device or (2) kindly put away his phone. The question goes like this: “I see you’re on your phone. Is everything OK?”

  Remember to be sincere—after all, there might really be an emergency. But more often than not, he’ll mutter a little excuse, tuck his phone back into his pocket, and start enjoying the night again. Victory is yours! You’ve succeeded in tactfully spreading the social antibody against “phubbing,” a word coined by the ad agency McCann for the Macquarie Dictionary.

  Phubbing, a portmanteau of phone and snubbing, means “to ignore (a person or one’s surroundings) when in a social situation by busying oneself with a phone or other mobile device.” The dictionary assembled experts to create the word in order to give people a way to call out the problem. Now it’s up to us to start using the term so that it may become another positive social antibody in our arsenal against distractions in social settings.

  Modern technologies like smartphones, tablets, and laptops aren’t the only sources of distraction in social situations.

  Many restaurants have wall-to-wall television sets, each with a different channel flashing headline news or a sports game that can easily disrupt conversations. Because of our acceptance of having televisions playing in the background in social settings, they can be equally, if not more, pernicious at distracting our attention away from the people we’re with.

  Distraction among friends can take on other forms, including our own children. For example, during a recent get-together, just as a good friend began to share his personal and professional struggles, one of his children came to the table and demanded a juice box. The conversation immediately shifted to the needs of the child.

  Such an innocent interruption has the ability to derail an important and sensitive conversation—the kind that solidifies close friendships. The next time we had dinner together, we made sure to put everything the kids would need, including food and drinks, in another room. The kids received clear instructions not to interrupt the adults unless someone was bleeding.

  All external triggers—whether coming from our phones or our kids’—deserve scrutiny to determine whether they are serving us. Our children are also better served when they learn to take care of themselves, and by watching their parents model fellowship, they learn the importance of tuning out distraction to focus on friends. If we are not intentional about making the time and space for distraction-free discussions, we risk losing the opportunity to truly know others and allow them to truly know us.

  In the same way society reduced social smoking with social antibodies, we can reduce distraction while with friends. By getting agreement from our friends and families to manage distraction and taking steps to remove external triggers that don’t serve us, we can quarantine the social contagion of distraction while with people we love.

  REMEMBER THIS

  •Distraction in social situations can keep us from being fully present with important people in our lives. Interruptions degrade our ability to form close social bonds.

  •Block the spread of unhealthy behaviors. “Social antibodies” are ways groups protect themselves from harmful behaviors by making them taboo.

  •Develop new social norms. We can tackle distraction among friends the same way we beat social smoking, by making it unacceptable to use devices in social situations. Prepare a few tactful phrases—like asking, “Is everything OK?”—to discourage phone usage among friends.

  Chapter 35

  Be an Indistractable Lover

  Every night, my wife and I engaged in the same routine: She put our daughter to bed, brushed her teeth, and freshened up. Slipping under the covers, we exchanged glances and knew it was time to do what comes naturally for a couple in bed—she began to fondle her cell phone, while I tenderly stroked the screen of my iPad. Ooh, it felt so good.

  We were having a love affair with our gadgets. Apparently, we weren’t the only ones substituting Facebook for foreplay. According to one survey, “Almost a third of Americans would rather give up sex for a year than part with their mobile phone for that long.”

  Before we learned to become indistractable, the allure of notifications on our smartphones proved hard to resist. Promising to reply to just one more email after dinner quickly turned into forty-five minutes of lost intimacy later that night. We’d fallen into an evening ritual of solitary tech checking until midnight. By the time we each got to bed, we were too tired to talk. Our relationship, not to mention our sex life, suffered.

  We were among the 65 percent of American adults who, according to the Pew Research Center, sleep with their phones on or next to their beds. Since habits rely on a cue to trigger a behavior, action is often sparked by the things around us. We decided to move our phones from our bedroom to the living room, and with the external triggers gone, we regained a bit more control over our techno-infidelity.

  But after a few phone-free evenings, I began to notice a stressful anxiety. My mind became occupied with all the things calling for my attention. Had someone sent me an urgent email? What was the latest comment on my blog about? Did I miss something important on Twitter? The stress was palpable and painful, so I did what anyone who makes a firm commitment to breaking a bad habit would do: I cheated.

  With my cell phone unavailable, I needed to find a new partner. To my relief, I felt the anxiety melt away as I pulled out my laptop and began to bang on the keyboard. My wife, seeing what I was doing, pounced on the opportunity to relieve her own stress, and we were back at it again.

  After a few late nights on our machines, we sheepishly admitted that we had failed. Embarrassed but determined to understand where we’d gone wrong, we realized we had skipped a critical step. We hadn’t learned to deal with the discomfort that had drawn us back in. With self-compassion, this time, we decided to start by finding ways to manage the internal triggers driving our unwanted behaviors.

  We implemented a ten-minute rule and promised that if we really wanted to use a device in the evening, we would wait ten minutes before doing so. The rule allowed us time to “surf the urge” and insert a pause to interrupt the otherwise mindless habit.

  We also connected our internet router and monitors to seven-dollar timer outlets purchased at a local hardware store and set them to turn off at 10 pm each night. Using this effort pact meant that in order to “cheat” we would have to uncomfortably contort behind our desks and flip the override switch.

  In short, we were making progress by using all four methods for becoming indistractable. We learned to cope with the stress of stopping our compulsion to use technology in the evening, and, over time, it became easier to resist. We scheduled a strict bedtime, claiming the bedroom as a sacred space and leaving external triggers,
like our cell phones and the television, outside. The outlet timer that turned off the unwanted distractions made compliance with our precommitment something we came to expect every night. We began to use our reclaimed time for more “productive” purposes as we gained greater control over our habits.

  Though we were proud of our tech-blocking invention, many routers like the Eero now come with internet shut-off capabilities built in. If I lose track of time and try to check email after ten o’clock, a message from my router reminds me to get off the computer and go snuggle with my wife.

  Distractions can take a toll on even our most intimate relationships; the cost of being able to connect with anyone in the world is that we might not be fully present with the person physically next to us.

  My wife and I still love our gadgets and fully embrace the potential of innovation to improve our lives, but we want to benefit from technology without suffering from the corrosive effects it can have on our relationship. By learning to deal with our internal triggers, making time for the things we really want to do, removing harmful external triggers, and using precommitments, we were finally able to conquer distractions in our relationship.

  As you read in part one, “Being indistractable means striving to do what you say you will do.” To strive means “to struggle or fight vigorously.” It does not mean being perfect or never failing. Like everyone, I still struggle with distraction at times. When I’m particularly stressed or my schedule changes unexpectedly, I can fall off track.

  Thankfully, the five years of researching and writing this book have taught me how to fight distraction and win. Distractions still happen, but now I know what to do about them so they don’t keep happening. These techniques have allowed me to take control of my life in ways I never could before. I’m as honest with myself as I am with others, I live up to my values, I fulfill my commitments to the people I love, and am more professionally productive than ever.

  Recently, I revisited the conversation I’d had with my daughter about what superpower she’d want. After apologizing to her for not being fully present the last time we had the conversation, I asked her to tell me her answer again, and what she said blew me away: she said she wanted the power to always be kind to others.

  After drying my eyes and giving her a big hug, I took some time to think about her answer. I realized that being kind was not a mystical superpower that required a magical serum—we all have the power to be kind whenever we want to be. We simply need to harness the power that’s already within us.

  The same is true for being indistractable. By becoming indistractable, we can set an example for others. In the workplace, we can use these tactics to transform our organizations and create a ripple effect both in and beyond our industries. At home, we can inspire our families to test these methods for themselves and live out the lives they envision.

  We can all strive to do what we say we will do. We all have the power to be indistractable.

  REMEMBER THIS

  •Distraction can be an impediment in our most intimate relationships. Instant digital connectivity can come at the expense of being fully present with those beside us.

  •Indistractable partners reclaim time for togetherness. Following the four steps to becoming indistractable can ensure you make time for your partner.

  •Now it’s your turn to become indistractable.

  Did You Enjoy This Book?

  Congratulations and thank you for completing this book! I hope you’ll put what you’ve read to good use.

  If you have a minute, it would mean so much to me if you would review this book online. Your review goes a long way toward encouraging other people to read Indistractable, and I’d consider it a huge personal favor.

  Thank you in advance! Please go to

  NirAndFar.com/ReviewIndistractable

  And please send any questions, comments, edits, or feedback to

  NirAndFar.com/Contact

  Sincerest thanks!

  Nir

  Chapter Takeaways

  INTRODUCTION

  •Chapter 1: Living the life you want requires not only doing the right things but also avoiding doing the wrong things.

  •Chapter 2: Traction moves you toward what you really want while distraction moves you further away. Being indistractable means striving to do what you say you will do.

  PART 1: MASTER INTERNAL TRIGGERS

  •Chapter 3: Motivation is a desire to escape discomfort. Find the root causes of distraction rather than proximate ones.

  •Chapter 4: Learn to deal with discomfort rather than attempting to escape it with distraction.

  •Chapter 5: Stop trying to actively suppress urges—this only makes them stronger. Instead, observe and allow them to dissolve.

  •Chapter 6: Reimagine the internal trigger. Look for the negative emotion preceding the distraction, write it down, and pay attention to the negative sensation with curiosity rather than contempt.

  •Chapter 7: Reimagine the task. Turn it into play by paying “foolish, even absurd” attention to it. Deliberately look for novelty.

  •Chapter 8: Reimagine your temperament. Self-talk matters. Your willpower runs out only if you believe it does. Avoid labeling yourself as “easily distracted” or having an “addictive personality.”

  PART 2: MAKE TIME FOR TRACTION

  •Chapter 9: Turn your values into time. Timebox your day by creating a schedule template.

  •Chapter 10: Schedule time for yourself. Plan the inputs and the outcome will follow.

  •Chapter 11: Schedule time for important relationships. Include household responsibilities as well as time for people you love. Put regular time on your schedule for friends.

  •Chapter 12: Sync your schedule with stakeholders.

  PART 3: HACK BACK EXTERNAL TRIGGERS

  •Chapter 13: Of each external trigger, ask: “Is this trigger serving me, or am I serving it?” Does it lead to traction or distraction?

  •Chapter 14: Defend your focus. Signal when you do not want to be interrupted.

  •Chapter 15: To get fewer emails, send fewer emails. When you check email, tag each message with when it needs a reply and respond at a scheduled time.

  •Chapter 16: When it comes to group chat, get in and out at scheduled times. Only involve who is necessary and don’t use it to think out loud.

  •Chapter 17: Make it harder to call meetings. No agenda, no meeting. Meetings are for consensus building rather than problem solving. Leave devices outside the conference room except for one laptop.

  •Chapter 18: Use distracting apps on your desktop rather than your phone. Organize apps and manage notifications. Turn on “Do Not Disturb.”

  •Chapter 19: Turn off desktop notifications. Remove potential distractions from your workspace.

  •Chapter 20: Save online articles in Pocket to read or listen to at a scheduled time. Use “multichannel multitasking.”

  •Chapter 21: Use browser extensions that give you the benefits of social media without all the distractions. Links to other tools are at: NirAndFar.com/Indistractable.

  PART 4: PREVENT DISTRACTION WITH PACTS

  •Chapter 22: The antidote to impulsiveness is forethought. Plan ahead for when you’re likely to get distracted.

  •Chapter 23: Use effort pacts to make unwanted behaviors more difficult.

  •Chapter 24: Use a price pact to make getting distracted expensive.

  •Chapter 25: Use identity pacts as a precommitment to a self-image. Call yourself “indistractable.”

  PART 5: HOW TO MAKE YOUR WORKPLACE INDISTRACTABLE

  •Chapter 26: An “always on” culture drives people crazy.

  •Chapter 27: Tech overuse at work is a symptom of dysfunctional company culture. The root cause is a culture lacking “psychological safety.”

  •Chapter 28: To create a culture that values doing focused work, start small and find ways to facilitate an open dialogue among colleagues about the problem.

  PART 6: HOW TO RAISE I
NDISTRACTABLE CHILDREN (AND WHY WE ALL NEED PSYCHOLOGICAL NUTRIENTS)

  •Chapter 29: Find the root causes of why children get distracted. Teach them the four-part indistractable model.

  •Chapter 30: Make sure children’s psychological needs are met. All people need to feel a sense of autonomy, competence, and relatedness. If kids don’t get their needs met in the real world, they look to fulfill them online.

  •Chapter 31: Teach children to timebox their schedule. Let them make time for activities they enjoy, including time online.

  •Chapter 32: Work with your children to remove unhelpful external triggers. Make sure they know how to turn off distracting triggers, and don’t become a distracting external trigger yourself.

  •Chapter 33: Help your kids make pacts and make sure they know managing distraction is their responsibility. Teach them that distraction is a solvable problem and that becoming indistractable is a lifelong skill.

  PART 7: HOW TO HAVE INDISTRACTABLE RELATIONSHIPS

  •Chapter 34: When someone uses a device in a social setting, ask, “I see you’re on your phone. Is everything OK?”

  •Chapter 35: Remove devices from your bedroom and have the internet automatically turn off at a specific time.

  Schedule Template

  For a free online scheduling tool, visit NirAndFar.com/Indistractable.

  Distraction Tracker

  (See chapter nine for instructions.)

  Acknowledgments

  Indistractable took over five years to complete and there were many individuals who deserve thanks for their contributions to this project.