by Kelli Walker
I’m sure I heard him say those words out loud, and I’m not sure if I should ask him to say them again because perhaps they were some sort of dream, a fantasy that I conjured up to make coming back to this world worthwhile. But the way he is looking at me right now, I am sure that he means it. Because there is nothing in his eyes right now but love, and that’s all I need to see to pull me out of this mess.
“What happened to you?” he asks, and I try to prop myself up against the pillows; he moves to help me at once, and I smile at him.
“I’m not a complete invalid, you know,” I protest.
“No, but as long as you’re in this bed, I’m going to treat you like one,” he replies, and he kisses the back of my hand again. Being so affectionate with me in public, it almost feels as though he is courting danger, but I don’t mind. I can’t say no to him. I don’t want to. All that I want is to revel in the sweet, sensual touch of his hand on mine, and knowing that he wants to take care of me no matter what.
“I don’t remember a lot of what happened,” I admit. “There was a man, outside the bar— I think it was just the two of us out there, I was waiting for my ride to turn up...”
“I should have been there for you,” he tells me. “I should never have left you to get back from that place all alone. This is my fault...”
“It’s nothing to do with you,” I reply firmly. “It’s just bad luck.”
“You’re so brave,” he murmurs, and he smooths my hair back from my head. “You should never have had to go through that. You must have been so scared.”
I close my eyes for a moment, and the flash of fear when I saw the man coming towards me replays in my head again for a moment. I want to be able to say something to him, to express that terror, but I know that it’s not going to help.
“Are you okay?” he asks me urgently. “That’s all that matters to me. Are you going to be alright?”
“I think so,” I reply, and I reach up to touch the abrasions on the side of my face. I had fallen when the guy grabbed me; I am sure that’s where the marks came from. I am sure that they look worse than they are. I feel awful that I have worried Lux so badly, and I know that he must be so scared for me. I can see it written all over his face, that terror that something has happened to me, and I wish I could just reach into his brain and tell him that I am fine. Even finer than ever now that I know he is here.
“Does my family know?” I ask him, and he nods.
“I’ve told them,” he explains. “Whether or not they’ve seen the messages yet, I can’t be sure, but I made sure that they knew.”
“They’re going to be so mad at me,” I remark, and he shakes his head.
“If they get mad at you for even a second, they’re going to have me to deal with,” he replies firmly. “You just survived something scary. They’re not going to be mad at you. They’re just going to be glad that you’re okay.”
“I don’t think you know my brother that well if you believe that,” I respond, only half-joking. I know that Gavin papers over his emotions by getting angry when he’s stressed—and I get the feeling that he’s going to be furious that I put myself in so much danger without telling him. Well, I’m not going to be going back to work at that bar, that’s for sure, so at least he has that going for him.
The door opens, and Lux jumps up as though he’s not meant to be there, but the nurse who enters barely glances at him as she comes over to me.
“Ah, you’re awake, that’s good news,” she tells me brightly, and she picks up the chart that is hooked over the end of the bed and starts to look through it. “How are you feeling?”
“Sore,” I reply. “And tired.”
“Any dizziness? Lack of coherence when talking?” the nurse asks, and I shake my head.
“I feel okay,” I reply, and I mean it. Even though I am still a little shaky around the edges, I feel like I am going to come out of this alright. My body is tense, sure, but I can handle that. And what happened was scary, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to stay scared. Not with Lux right there at my side. He makes me feel as though I can handle anything in the world, just as long as he is there to keep me company. And I look over at him and smile, thanking God that he is the one that I woke up to. The one who knows everything. The one who I can trust with everything.
“And how about your stomach?” the nurse asks, as she continues to look over the chart. “No pain there?”
“Uh, no, nothing,” I reply. “Why? Did something happen?”
“Well, I thought the baby might be making a little fuss in there, given what happened,” she replies. And my jaw drops.
“I’m sorry, what did you just say?” I demand. Because I am sure there is no way in hell that I could have heard her correctly. A baby? The baby? My baby?
“Your baby,” she repeats herself, and she looks down at the chart again to check that she has read it right. And then, with a bright smile on her face, she returns her attention to me.
“It doesn’t seem as though you suffered any trauma to that area, which must be a big relief,” she goes on. “But obviously, we base that on your feelings...”
I can only stare at her. What the fuck is she talking about? There’s no way this can be real. No way in hell. No, it has to be some sort of mistake, I’ll figure it out as soon as she finishes up what she’s saying...
“Baby?” Lux murmurs beside me, and I look over at him. He must be able to tell from the look of shock on my face that this is as much of a surprise to me as it is to him. We just stare at each other for a moment, the words we both want to say lost as we try to scramble around the new thoughts laid out in our heads.
“Yes, you’re pregnant,” the nurse continues, and she glances between the two of us. “I assume this is the first that you’re hearing about it?”
“I had no idea,” I blurt out finally. But, as I go back through everything that has happened up until this point, it all begins to fall into place: the sore back, the tiredness, all of it. I have been pregnant all this time. That’s why I felt so off. That’s why I’ve felt as though the world has come swinging for me. That’s why my body has been so tired. That’s why I have been so exhausted. That’s why I have been so emotional.
Because I am fucking pregnant. And I can’t believe that it has taken me this long to piece it all together. I’m pregnant, and it’s Lux’s baby. It can’t belong to anyone else. I look over at him, trying to confirm that he understands what he is hearing here, but he looks as though he has been hit by a fucking bus. And trust me, I know how he feels. But, when his eyes lock with mine again, I know that he is telling me, any way that he can, that he is here for me. No matter what comes next. No matter how hard it is when this is over. Whatever happens, he is there, and that is all that matters.
“And you’d be the father?” the nurse asks, looking over at Lux. I nod at once.
“Yes, he’s the father,” I reply. And that is when a voice cuts through the quiet of the room around us, and my heart stops.
“He’s the what?”
Lux
“What did you just say?” Gavin demands as I turn to see him standing in the doorway. He looks as though he is ready to flip his top, and I can see the anger fuming in his eyes, even as he tries to process the shock of seeing his baby sister laid out in front of him.
“I’ll give you a moment,” the nurse replies, sensing the tension in the room and making a swift exit. I can’t say I blame her. I wouldn’t want to stick around any longer, given the way that Gavin is looking at me right now, as though he is just holding himself back from taking a swing at me.
“Vanessa, darling,” her mother exclaims, and she hurries to her side, taking her daughter’s hand and gazing at her with concern. “Are you alright? What happened? We came as soon as we got the call, I’m sorry we weren’t here sooner...”
“That’s okay,” Vanessa assures her mother, but I can tell that her mother isn’t going to be as quick to forgive herself. She must be so scared righ
t now, so scared and so worried and so confused as to what the hell had happened to cause her daughter so much distress. She can’t take her eyes off Vanessa, and I know how she feels.
But Gavin—Gavin is staring straight at me, his eyes narrowed. We only saw each other a few hours ago, when he was signing off his shift at The Last Call, but it seems as though it’s a different man entirely standing in front of me right now. His arms are crossed over his chest, and his eyes are locked on mine like he is just waiting for me to make an excuse for what he just heard me say.
“I think we should give you some time,” I tell Vanessa’s mother, and I grab Gavin by the arm and steer him out of the room. And, as soon as I am outside again, it really hits me. She is pregnant. She is pregnant with my baby.
And that means that I am going to be a father.
Judging by her reaction, I’d say that she got about as much warning on this as I did. But she must have known, right? Women just know these things. They just understood that side of life. I was sure of it. I couldn’t believe that she had managed to get so far into this and not notice that there was something different...
Or maybe I am just making excuses in my head to explain the shock that is rushing through me right now like a furnace. I feel like I am about to catch fire, and nothing will douse out the flames. She is pregnant. She is pregnant. She is pregnant. I repeat the words over and over in my head, hoping that they might start to make some sense if I try hard enough, but I know that it doesn’t work that way. I have to start believing them now because if I don’t, the truth is just going to keep pushing forward without me. And there’s no way that I can cope with that.
My entire body feels as though it is vibrating at an impossibly high speed, and, as Gavin stands there opposite me, waiting for me to make some excuse for myself, I can’t come up with anything. Finally, he opens his mouth, clearly unable to wait for an answer any longer.
“You got my sister pregnant.”
He says it like it’s a statement, but I know he means it as a question. I look up at him, trying to find some hint of softness to him. This is his sister, after all—his niece or nephew. And, even if he thinks that this is crazy, he must have some part of him that sees this for the good news that it is. An expansion of the family, right? Doesn’t that mean a thing to him?
“I told you to stay the fuck away from her,” he snarls at me, and he plants his hands on my chest and pushes me. I stumble a few feet, but I don’t fight back. I don’t have it in me. Because he is still my best friend, despite everything that has happened between us, and I don’t want to hurt him. Not if I can help it.
“Please, can we talk about this later?” I ask him. “Your sister needs you right now. She needs both of us. She’s hurt.”
“And how did that happen, huh?” he demands. “What else have you been keeping from me? You said you were my friend, you asshole, you said…”
“Stop,” I order him, and he narrows his eyes at me, but he does fall silent. So, he’s still got a little respect for me, at least. That’s something. I’m not sure how long it’s going to last, or how much I can get from him while it does, but I need the silence right now. I am exhausted, wrung dry by everything that has happened, and all I want to do is be with Vanessa right now. Not deal with her brother.
He is about to square up to me again, but before he can, the doors at the end of the corridor open once more, and we both turn to see someone approaching us. It's the woman from the desk, and she seems to have caught on to the fact that I snuck down here when she wasn’t looking.
“Out!” She orders me. “I told you, you can’t be in here.”
“I—”
“Out!” she proclaims again, louder this time. She looks at Gavin, shaking her head at him too.
“And you,” she tells him.
“But I’m actually—”
“I’m not going to argue with you!” she tells him firmly. “Go on, out of here! I don’t want to see either of you sneaking around here. Our patients need rest, and they’re not going to get that if you’re not respecting the rules.”
“See what you’ve done?” Gavin mutters to me angrily, and he stalks past me and towards the waiting room. Shit. I run my hands through my hair and curse myself for letting it get this far. I have walked myself right into the middle of a bigger mess than I could have ever prepared myself for, and I have nobody to blame but myself.
The woman who had come to clear us out plants her hands on her hips and raises her eyebrows at me pointedly. I don’t need telling twice. I back out of the waiting room and head towards my car. I have no idea what the hell I am going to do next, but I know that I can’t stick around here any longer. Whatever the hell is between us now, it has taken on a whole new form, and I have no idea how I’m going to put it right. Gavin is furious with me, her mom probably is too, and she is pregnant on top of everything else. Talk about a mess. A mess that I don’t know if I will be able to find my way out of.
Vanessa
I wince as I go to get out of my chair, and my mom hustles over to join me, pressing me back down into my seat before I can do myself any more damage.
“You’re not going anywhere, young lady,” she warns me, as she drops a kiss on the top of my head. “You stay right where you are, alright? I don’t want to see you doing anything other than healing up.”
“Mom, I’m okay,” I reply, but I am secretly glad that she is there to tell me to stay on my ass right now. Because I know that I would be feeling so guilty if she wasn’t, I am meant to be back at work by now, but I have no job to go to. Even if I did, I’m not sure that I would have the confidence to get off my ass and actually do it.
I have officially turned in my notice at the other bar; I know that I can’t go back there without feeling that same terror that I felt the night that this had happened. My skin crawls at the very thought of having to go there and keep my game face on and not just curl up in a ball and cry with how awful I feel.
I can barely remember the attack, which is something. My brain has been keeping those memories locked up tight so that I can’t get to them. That’s a relief because I have no idea how I would cope with actually knowing the details of what had happened that night. I know that it wasn’t anything too extreme. No sexual trauma, nothing like that, and he just swiped my pay slip and wound up getting caught when he was stupid enough to try and cash the damn thing. But it still scares me to think that that kind of person is out there in the world. To think that I might not be as safe as I once thought that I was.
And, of course, I have someone else to think about now. I plant my hands on my belly and look down at my stomach. I don’t have a bump or anything yet, but I know that my little one is brewing up in there. I’m pregnant, and I’m going to have this kid, and I...
And I have no idea how the hell I’m meant to feel about that, not really. I haven’t spoken to Lux since the day that we saw each other at the hospital, and I’m not sure if he’s avoiding me because of my brother or because of the baby. I thought that he would be able to handle something like this. He is a trained soldier, after all. Surely a kid is something he can wrap his head around?
But he has vanished, and I’m not sure that it’s a terrible thing, to be honest. I mean, I want to see him. God knows I want to, after everything that he told me when I was at the hospital, but I need some time to work out how I feel about all of this myself first.
Because this is...this is huge. A baby. An actual baby. Sometimes, I have to stop and catch my breath and remember that this is all actually happening, as real as it can be. When I spoke to Mom about it, she promised me that she would do anything to make sure that I have all the support I need when it comes to raising the new member of our family.
“You can stay living with me, and I can help you out,” she explained, as she sat there opposite me in the hospital room, while I found myself still reeling from the news that had just been dumped on my shoulders.
“And what about money?” I fretted.
“How are we going to afford it?”
“We’ll find a way,” she told me. “I know that we will. I thought the same thing when I got pregnant with Gavin, but you find a way to figure it out when it’s your own. You find a way to make it work.”
“I really want to have this kid, Mom,” I blurted out to her. I didn’t know why I felt like I had to tell her that, but I needed to say it out loud, just to make sure that it was real. As soon as the nurse had told me that I was pregnant, I had felt almost a rush of relief. Like something was right. Something that I had been waiting for, longer than I could even remember, had fallen into place, and now, I actually got to do what I was meant to do.
And since then, that feeling has only grown more intense. I was released from the hospital after a few days, after making sure that everything with the little one was as it should be. Since then, I have been resting up at home while I try to wrap my head around what comes next.
I know that my brother is going to take a hell of a long time to catch up with the notion that this is actually good news. Sometimes, when he looks at me, I know that he just can’t believe that any of this is really happening. I want to reach over to him and tell him that I feel just the same way, but that we’re going to need to catch up with ourselves sooner or later if we’re going to give this kid the life that it deserves.
“I want their uncle in their life, you know,” I told him, one evening when the two of us were sitting on the fold-out chairs outside the house, enjoying a little of the evening sunshine. Gavin had taken the day off work, probably because he can’t stand to be around Lux right now, and is passing the time with me, instead. I appreciate it. Much as I love my momma, nobody makes me feel safe the way my brother did.
“I know you do,” he replies. He glances at my belly, almost suspiciously, as though he is trying to work out what he is going to need to do to protect the creature growing in there, too.