by R. C. Martin
Remembering they had plans that evening, she thought long and hard about canceling. She was sad, and she didn’t want to feel obligated to be anything other than real. It didn’t take her long to come to the conclusion that if she could be real around anyone, it was her best friend; moreover, to break tradition in favor of wallowing in bed felt selfish.
Even still, forcing herself out from underneath her covers was one challenge which only led to another. She knew she should shower, but the thought of washing the faint scent of Judah from her skin only brought about another round of tears. She skipped the shower but changed her clothes—though, little effort went into that task. After donning a pair of leggings and an old, CSU hoodie, she tossed her hair into a messy bun and splashed water on her face. Not bothering with makeup, Theodora tucked her feet into a pair of boots, grabbed her keys and her coat, and forced herself out the door—before she could change her mind.
In the twenty minutes it took her to reach Geoffrey’s building, she managed not to shed a tear. However, the second her best friend answered her knock, the instantly worried expression that clouded his pretty blue eyes was enough to cause Theodora to burst into tears.
Geoffrey acted immediately, wrapping her in his arms as he guided her over his threshold and closed them both inside. With his lips grazing her forehead, he mumbled, “Talk to me, baby girl.”
“I think—I think—” She was cut off by the knot which lodged itself in her throat as she gave Geoffrey a bit of her weight. “I think Judah and I might have—might have broken up.”
Theodora felt his reaction as his body grew rigid around hers.
“Wait—you think, or you know?”
She shook her head as much as she could with her cheek pressed to his shoulder. “I don’t know,” she breathed. “We argued and then—I haven’t heard from him all day. I don’t know. I don’t know.”
“Okay. Okay,” he replied soothingly, rubbing his hand up and down her back. “Look, I don’t know what you argued about, but if neither of you said the words, it can’t be over.”
“I don’t know,” she repeated. “I don’t know.”
“Teddy, when have you ever known that man to be ambiguous?”
Theodora sniffled, furrowing her brow as she let Geoffrey’s question take root. For the first time all day, she felt a flicker of hope inside of her. It was weak, but it was there. She held her breath for a moment, in fear that if she exhaled, she might extinguish it.
“Freckles?”
Lifting her head a little, she peeked up at Geoffrey through wet lashes. “Maybe he’ll call?” she whispered.
He cupped his hands around her face and grazed his thumbs across her cheeks, in an effort to wipe away her tears. “It’s not over until it’s over, baby; and after what I saw last night, I can’t imagine that man calling it quits on you.”
Theodora blinked, causing a couple more tears to leak from her eyes. She didn’t tell the man in front of her that it wasn’t Judah who spoke of quitting, but she herself. She shoved aside the possibility that she had ruined everything in a moment of desperation. Rather, she clung to the hope that neither of them had actually said the words.
“It’s not over until it’s over,” she breathed aloud.
Leaning toward her to press a kiss against her forehead, Geoffrey murmured, “That’s right. Now, what do you say we take your mind off things for a little while? Sounds like you could use the distraction.”
“Yeah,” she muttered with another sniffle.
She knew, even as Geoffrey took her hand and led her further into his space, there was no distraction great enough to overpower the waking nightmare through which she traversed. Nevertheless, she clung to her friend and the comfort of his wisdom all the same.
Chapter Forty-One
I slept like shit Thursday night. It was the scent of Teddy that kept me up. It was the memory of her face as she crumbled right before my eyes. It was the reality that she slipped right out of my grasp faster than I knew how to comprehend, and I felt powerless to stop it. She loved me, and yet even that wasn’t enough to make her choose me.
Deep in my subconscious, I knew the end of us was always a possibility. I understood people changed every day, and Teddy was susceptible to that same reality—regardless of what she said. But I felt blindsided in every way. She flipped my theory on its head. I didn’t know what to make of the fact that in spite of her love, in spite of the pain it caused her to leave me, that remained her decision. And her pain was real. Of this, I had no doubt. It was like she ripped herself open and showed me everything; but I—I refused to do the same.
Foolish as I had allowed myself to become for that woman, I was resolute in my belief that to fall in love was a choice I would not be fooled into making. I convinced myself that if my only option was to let her go—better to do so with my heart intact. And yet—as one night turned into two, and two nights turned into three, the silence that came with her absence seemed to punch a hole right through me. The pain I thought I could avoid by not loving her mocked me with the dawning of each new day.
In an effort to ignore the feelings I didn’t wish to explore, I latched onto the one emotion which felt the most familiar. Anger. Fueled by the bitterness I assigned to the disloyalty I felt from the woman who walked away from me without a backwards glance, I chose to ignore my longing for her. Even more, I resented it. She was not the first woman to turn her back on me after claiming to love me. While I swore Aubrey would be the last, I accepted my defeat in falling victim to Teddy’s wiles. I decided solitude would be my punishment.
I spent my days in the office, arriving even before Marta found her way through my front door, and leaving long after the sun went down. At night, I exhausted myself in the gym, so I might find sleep in order to endure the following day. I felt like a machine. For a few days, I managed to get away with it. Or so I thought.
I was in one of the unoccupied huddle rooms, a blueprint spread out across the table as I slowly paced around it. I was tired—more tired than I wanted to admit—and frustrated. Creatively, I felt blocked, and I knew I needed to snap out of it. Unfortunately, after nearly an hour with the blueprint, I had nothing.
“Knock, knock.”
Glancing at the door, I saw Logan as she held the glass barrier open and smiled in at me. I didn’t stop my trek around the table as I mumbled, “What can I do for you?”
“I—I need a minute. Do you mind if I come in?”
I folded my arms across my chest as I came to a stop. However, I didn’t look her way again. “Fine.”
“Okay.” I could sense the hesitancy in her tone as she stepped into the room and allowed the door to ease closed behind her. She pulled out one of the chairs and lowered her way into it. “I’m just going to be Logan,” she began, “and you’re just going to be Jude for two minutes. I want to be honest. Friends are honest.”
I lifted my eyes to find hers but spoke not a word.
“Right. Okay. Listen, I know you don’t want to talk about it—no one in the office wants to talk to you about it—but you’re kind of a mess this week. You’re short tempered, and irritated, and not exactly approachable. I’ve never seen you like this before, so I wanted to check to make sure you were okay. Is this about Teddy? Are you two—”
“It’s none of your business,” I interrupted with a scowl.
“Well, actually, it kind of is. You are not yourself, which means my boss and mentor is not himself, and I need you back. Your brilliance is currently, well, buried in what seems to be—quite frankly—your misery.”
I said nothing in response, which only seemed to fuel her boldness.
“If something happened, you can talk to me. We’re friends, and I will listen.”
“We’re not friends,” I muttered angrily. “I’m your boss and you are my employee. My personal life is none of your goddamned business. Now if you find you are incapable of managing your workload under my direction, perhaps you’d be better off elsewhere.”
> “What?” she gasped.
“Get out. Please, just get out.”
She shot to her feet and glared at me, her green eyes suddenly brimming with tears. “You’re an asshole. And you know what? You might not be my friend, but I’m yours. And you’re hurting. You think you’re so tough, but you’re not. You’re just like the rest of us, Judah. You have a heart, like the rest of us. You love, like the rest of us. And you break—like the rest of us. Right now, you’re broken. Everyone can see it except for you. Open your eyes, Judah. Open your freaking eyes!”
By the time she was finished with her speech, she’d worked herself into an emotional state the likes of which I had never seen from her. She freed a sob as she hurried from the room, and I watched her go, frozen to my spot.
“What in god’s name did you say to that woman?”
I didn’t notice Aunt Eddalyn was in the room until her voice, shrill with impatience, beckoned my attention to the door.
“Nothing that warranted such a hysterical response,” I replied confoundedly.
“Sit down,” Eddalyn demanded, stepping closer to the table.
“Aunt Eddalyn—”
She cut off my protest as she demanded, “Sit down, nephew.”
We stared at each other as I hesitated. It wasn’t long before I understood she’d waged a battle I would not win, and I pulled out a chair and sank into it.
“I’ve indulged you for a few days now. I thought perhaps your mood would pass. Seeing as how it’s only getting worse, you’ve left me with no choice.”
“I—”
“No, my dear, you don’t get to speak. You’ve done quite enough of that in the last five minutes. It’s my turn.” Eddalyn paused long enough to walk her way toward me. Pulling out the chair next to mine, she sat and studied me openly. “This is about your Teddy.”
Snidely, I refused to confirm or deny her observation. She wanted me silent, so silence was what I gave her. Nevertheless, my lack of speech didn’t deter her in the least.
“Do you remember when you introduced us? You wanted to know what it was I thought of her, but I wished not to share with you that night. Do you remember?”
I didn’t answer right away. At first, I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue the conversation at all. Then, my curiosity besting my anger, I offered her a curt nod.
“You know me well, Judah. I’d dare say you know me almost as much as I know you. As my partner in business, this business which has been my baby all these years, you know me in a way no one else does. And perhaps the faults tethered to your work ethic and your drive were partially fed to you by my example. If that is true, I am sorry. Truly, I am. As brilliant as you are, and as proud of you as I am, it would be cruel of me to let you sacrifice yourself to your work entirely. Life is so much more than that.”
My eyebrows tugged together in a slight scowl, and she smiled at the sight. Holding her hands up in a sign of surrender, she went on to say, “I know. You probably look at my life and think I’m a hypocrite. What do I have to show for my years? A business, sure. Success and wealth, yes. But life isn’t about those things, either. Not really.”
“What are you trying to say?” I muttered on a sigh.
“That night, at dinner, when I saw the way you were with that woman, I knew you had found the one you would compare all other women to. I don’t know what’s going on with you two right now, but whatever the outcome—Theodora will stay with you forever. You won’t be able to shake her. Trust me. I know. I have been haunted in the same way. Though, while I have gone on to live my life in a manner that satisfies me, you and I are not the same, dear.”
Reaching over to rest a hand on my knee, she looked me straight in the eyes as she went on to tell me, “You are not destined to be alone. Eddalyn’s Interiors is only part of your story; it only fuels the part of you that finds fulfillment in a job well done. But your heart, my nephew, it is far too generous and loving to settle for solitude. If what troubles you can be resolved, I suggest you do so. If my knowledge of you is as sure as I believe it is, then I am sure Theodora is your chance at a forever so many of us only dream of.”
“I don’t believe in forever,” I said with a shrug.
Eddalyn sighed and pulled away from me as she sat back in her chair. Staring into her lap, she remained silent for a moment before she confessed, “I was Teddy’s age when I met my forever. He was—everything. Handsome. Dignified. Kind. He saw me for who I was; accepted me, encouraged me, and loved me in spite of my stubborn independence. He was incredibly special to me, and I still think of him and carry him with me to this day.” She brought her gaze back up to meet mine, her voice softer than before as she murmured, “I would have married him, but he died before I got the chance.”
With another sigh, she stood to her feet and took a step toward me. “Don’t let forever prove you wrong. That’s a long time to harbor the pain of loss.”
She pressed a light kiss against my forehead and then turned for the door. Speechless, I watched her walk away, entirely uncertain what to make of all she’d said.
“Oh, and Judah?” she called mildly from the door. “You will apologize to Logan. Today. Have I made myself clear?”
All I could offer her was a nod in reply.
Chapter Forty-Two
“Hey, what are you doing tonight?”
Theodora sucked in a breath and shook away the fog which seemed to cloud her mind as she sat staring at her desk in thought. Lifting her head to find the owner of that voice, she was surprised to see Andrew and Geoffrey both leaned against the front of the reception desk, staring down at her.
“What? Uh, tonight?” she stammered as she tucked a bit of hair behind her ears.
“Yeah,” said Andrew. “How about we all go out for a drink?” Theodora forced a smile, and he was quick to amend, “Or we could stay in. Come over. Carrie would love to see you. Steven, too. We could watch Christmas movies.”
“I’ll bring the hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps,” pipped in Geoffrey.
The ache she felt in her chest at their request had grown so familiar, she hardly felt it. In a confusing turn of events, their love filled her with as much gratitude as it did pain. It had been a week since she’d spoken to Judah. With every day that passed, the reality that he didn’t love her poisoned her a little more. She felt weak merely thinking about it. Worst of all, to run into the arms of the men who did love her only seemed to make it worse.
“I think I’m just going to go home, guys.”
“Okay, then you and me tonight,” insisted Geoffrey.
“I’m fine. Please, both of you, stop worrying.”
“Maybe I’d stop worrying if you stopped showing up for work with bags under your eyes.”
She felt the prickling sensation of the threat of tears, and she willed herself not to cry. The truth was, every night she laid in bed clutching her phone, wondering if he would call or text. They hadn’t broken up. Not really. At least—neither of them said the words. Only, the hope she harbored upon first recognizing that fact diminished with every sleepless night she endured.
Rising to her feet, Theodora looked to both of them as she gently demanded, “Go home. Both of you. I’ll be okay. I’ll…sleep all weekend.”
It was a lie, and they all knew it. Though, Theodora thought it quite possible her Saturday would be spent entirely in her bed.
Andrew lifted his eyebrows at her expectantly. “You know we’re only ever a call away.”
“I know. And I appreciate that.”
“All right. Let’s get out of here.”
The three of them went through the motions of closing down the gallery for the weekend. On their way out the door, Geoffrey slung his arm around Theodora’s shoulders, pulling her into his side. She closed her eyes and swallowed the knot which formed in her throat as he pressed a kiss against her temple. When he let her go and the three of them went their separate ways, she was marginally relieved neither of them put up more of an argument to keep her com
pany for the night. She wanted nothing more than to be alone. She was exhausted; not simply from lack of rest, but from plastering on a happy face at the gallery all week.
As soon as she was behind the wheel of her Civic, she leaned back in her seat and let a couple tears roll down her cheeks. She recalled how Geoffrey had grieved over the loss of Reeve; how being at home reminded him of the man he’d lost. For Theodora, it felt like the opposite. She felt as though she didn’t have enough memories of Judah in her space. Nothing smelled like him. None of his belongings had been left behind. It was almost like she imagined it all. Other than a few photographs, the only piece of him she had was the framed hundred-dollar bill she’d moved to her nightstand. Huffing out a sigh, she was quick to wipe her tears away, certain it would be better to hold herself together at least until she got home.
When she arrived at her apartment a few minutes later, she trudged her way up three flights of stairs and then froze when she reached the landing. “Harper?” she muttered in disbelief.
“Thank fuck.”
Theodora stared at her, confused into a stupor.
“Teddy—open up. It’s fucking freezing.”
“Uh, how long have you been here?” she muttered, finally walking around her sister to open her apartment. “Why didn’t you call?”
“I think I did something stupid,” blurted Harper. She swept past Theodora into the warmth of her place. Theodora managed only to shut the door and drop her purse before her sister continued in a frenzy. “I broke up with Ben. Shit. Shit.”
“Wait—what?” said Theodora dumbly.
“I went to see him,” Harper began to explain. As her words tumbled out of her mouth, she paced back and forth across Theodora’s small living room, shedding her coat and discarding her purse in the process. “We got into a huge fight. Like, huge. And then it just happened. I broke up with him. I got in my car and drove straight here.”