by Emma Nichole
The bragging begins, all in good fun of course, when my name rings over the intercom.
“Black. You’ve got a visitor.”
I check my watch and it’s nine o’clock at night. “On my way,” I call out.
I half-jog, half-walk toward the front of the station, through the two trucks, and find Sawyer standing there in a pair of leggings and a hoodie. Her hair is in a high ponytail, and her makeup free eyes are red and blotchy.
“Baby? Are you okay? You’ve been crying.” I try to reach for her, but she steps backward out of my touch. “Sawyer?”
“Don’t touch me, okay. I just... I can’t handle it right now if you touch me.”
“Did something happen? What’s wrong?”
She sniffs and wipes her cheek with her sleeve and thrusts her phone at me. “Please explain this and tell me I’m crazy.”
I only have to read the title of the video to know what it is, and my surroundings start to shake, my stomach nearly drops to my feet.
“Sawyer, I need you to listen to me...”
“Did you know? Did you know who I was?”
Now or never. Fight or flight. Don’t fuck up, Black.
“Not at first, but... yes.”
Her eyes squeeze closed as another tears slips free. “How long?”
“Sawyer, please let me hold...”
She shakes her head and steps out of my reach again. “How long, Isaac?”
“A few weeks.”
“A few weeks?” she shouts. “You’ve known for a few weeks and you never told me?”
“I didn’t know how to tell you. It wasn’t like I could just come out and say it.”
“Yes, you could! That’s exactly what you should have done.” She pauses to take a breath. “How did you find out?”
I stand stock-still, fighting every urge I have to grab her by the shoulders and pull her to me, kissing the life out of her just so she can see I love her. I love her so much.
“When you told me about what happened to him. I never put it together before because you look so different now, but once you told me the story... I knew.”
“I feel so stupid. You just lied to my face every day for weeks. Isaac... I.... You should have told me right then. Right that second. Maybe we could have figured it out then, but now....” She is pulling away, curling into herself. I can almost see her walls building as high as the sky in front of my eyes.
“Now what? Tell me, Sawyer, what does this change in the grand scheme of things? I’m still me. You’re still you. Yes, we have a fucked-up connection to each other, but that played zero part in my feelings for you.”
“How doesn’t this change everything, Isaac?” She begins to cry harder now, not even trying to contain it anymore. “I spent five years mourning my brother, trying so hard to blame his death on anyone but him because that was easier. I spent five years hating the man who I felt didn’t react fast enough or didn’t do something better, even though I knew it was a lost cause. I felt like I was doing something right by my brother for placing that anger and resentment on that man. Then I went and fell in love with him.”
Her last words come out in a staggered breath.
“Sawyer, I did everything I could do that night... Jason...”
“Don’t!” she snaps, pointing a finger at me. “Don’t say his name. Just... don’t. You didn’t know him. Don’t talk about him like you knew him. I can’t listen to it. Not after everything. I had practiced what I would say to that man if for some reason our paths ever crossed... I guess the joke is on me though. The universe likes testing me, I guess.”
Fuck the distance. Fuck the tension. I need her to look at me. To feel me. To see me.
I step forward, taking her face in my hands and force her eyes to mine. She doesn’t pull back; she doesn’t fight me.
“I love you, Sawyer. I love you so much. I didn’t tell you because I couldn’t break your heart like that. I just... fuck... I love you so much. Isn’t that enough?”
Her bottom lip begins to tremble. “Maybe… if you hadn’t lied to me. That isn’t something I can look past, no matter how much I love you. And I have to be honest, Isaac. Every time I look at you now, all I see is his face and think about the fact he’s not here anymore. I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that.”
“Don’t do this.”
I feel it coming from a mile away. With every second that passes, a link to the chain that connects our hearts together starts to break. One after another until she pushes up on her tiptoes, presses a kiss to my lips, and snaps the remaining one free. “I love you, Isaac... but I can’t do this anymore.”
She turns and bolts back out the front of the fire station toward her car, disappearing around the corner.
I stand there in shock... in sadness... in anger at myself.
I should chase after her. I should go to her. I should fight for us.
But I don’t.
Maybe it’s a sick form of self-punishment for not following my first instinct and telling her the truth.
Maybe I deserve this, because she’s right. I’m a constant reminder of the worst day of her life. How can I ask or expect her to put herself through that?
Is love enough to overcome that?
I guess I’ll never know.
Chapter 24
Sawyer
I’m not sure how long I’ve been driving. It could be three minutes or it could be three hours. I can’t go home because everything in my house reminds me of him. I can’t stop driving because the silence of a killed engine and lack of music is deafening.
So, I drive.
Tears have been falling down my face since I turned and walked away from him, and a stone has made a permanent home in my chest where my heart used to be. I don’t have that anymore though. I gave it to Isaac and he didn’t give it back. I have a feeling he’ll have it for a very long time.
I don’t know if he’s called or texted me. My phone is off and in my purse in the back seat, out of my reach, out of my sight. If I see it or see him call, I’ll answer and I’m not strong enough to stay on my path right now. I can’t look at him. It only makes everything hurt more.
I’ve long since stopped recognizing the streets I’m on, letting myself get lost on the winding roads with only my headlights and the sounds of my radio keeping me company. All I want is to drown out my thoughts and just forget all about this.
If I forget about him, maybe it will hurt less.
I roll to a halt at a stop sign before taking a right onto another curvy road, just as the first trickle of rain hits my windshield.
A laugh bubbles in my throat. A pure, feeling sorry for myself, like this day could get any worse laugh escapes my lips.
Of course it would rain.
But with rain, comes cleansing... clarity... regret.
I miss him.
I’ve only left him a few hours ago and the longing in my soul already outweighs the anger and betrayal I feel toward him by a clear mile. I’m squeezing the steering wheel so tightly that my knuckles are white. He lied to me. He kept something huge from me and that’s unforgivable.
But he was going to tell you. He just didn’t want to hurt you.
There was this cartoon I loved when I was a little girl. It was silly and ridiculous, but I remember one of the characters had an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. They would try to sway him to do one thing or another. It was all funny things, of course, but I can relate to that in this moment.
Angel Sawyer is telling me to go back to him. To give him the benefit of the doubt and talk to him. To listen to him. To love him. It would be a balm to the aching inside of my heart.
Devil Sawyer is telling me to keep driving and never look back. To drive away from Sunnyville and start over where the memory of him will be in the rearview because he lied. He looked me in the face and lied. After Jason, lying is something I never allow in my life.
But I remember the dancing in Napa and making sushi together on our first date
. I remember the way his face lit up when Herbert jumped up onto his lap and when we kissed for the first time. I remember the way his hands felt on my body and the taste of his lips. I remember his laugh... his voice... I remember falling in love with him so quickly that I felt drunk.
I remember that I don’t know if I can live without him.
My heart begins to race as more tears begin to fall. I need to get back to him. I need to tell him I’m sorry and I’m here. I want to be with him, no matter what.
I round the next curve, determined to find a place to turn around, but all I see are headlights.
All I hear is the sound of bending metal and breaking glass.
Then... nothing.
Isaac
I should be sleeping.
The bunkroom is dark, cool, and quiet. Arguably, I sleep better here than at home sometimes.
But I can’t even close my eyes right now. When I do, all I see is her tear-stained face, and all I feel is my heart breaking all over again as I replay our conversation over and over.
I’ve called her cell phone a dozen times. Every single call rings and rings then goes to voicemail. She isn’t ignoring the call, just simply letting the phone go unanswered. I’ve kept my cell clutched in my hand since the moment she ran away from me in hopes she’d answer a text or call me back.
But it stays dark... silent.
“You okay?”
I hear the whisper from the darkened distance then footsteps coming closer to my bunk.
“I’m fine, Grady.”
“We heard what happened. It was hard not to.”
“I don’t want to talk about it. At all.” I stare up at the ceiling, talking without even looking toward him.
“Good, but you need to make sure your head is clear. This can cloud your judgment and we can’t have that right now. If you need to go home—”
“I’m not going home. I can do my job without personal shit getting in the way.”
No sooner do the words leave my mouth does our alarm begin to scream into the night.
Everything happens in a blur.
We jump from our bunks, dress in our gear, and get on the truck in less than ninety seconds.
Codes are being thrown out, indicating a driver called dispatch to report a two-car accident off Manuel Canyon Road. Fuck. If there is one place you don’t want to have an accident, it’s there. With dense forest on one side and a steep embankment down to rocks and trees on the other, it’s a fucking nightmare waiting to happen.
We verbally run through our checklists as we make our way to the crash site. It’s never easy being one of the first people on scene. You never know what you are going to encounter and sometimes, it turns into the worst-case scenario.
When we round the darkened corner, the red taillights from the cars come into view.
There is a white SUV on the side of the road, and the front end is mangled to shit and who I can only assume is the driver is standing next to the guardrail with his cell phone to his ear, looking over at something.
Our truck’s brakes hiss as they’re applied, and I’m the first to hop down out of the truck, making my way over to the man. He’s middle-aged, I think, wearing jeans and a T-shirt. He seems to be all right with no outward signs of injury.
“Sir?”
“I’m fine!” he shouts. “Her! Help her!” He points over the guardrail and that’s when I see the second car.
A car whose driver’s side is completed mangled and crushed inward, hanging upside down with its hood toward the rocks at the bottom. A car that is still running, sending exhaust into the air in a thick cloud. A car that is barely held in place by a piece of the metal guardrail caught on the bumper, and if it snaps or gives way, it’ll be a car that is falling straight down into the rocky embankment.
My stomach would be in knots in a normal circumstance, nervous and pumped-up on adrenaline from being on a call, but it’s the color of the car… the make of the car… and the small white flower window decal on the back passenger window that sends my heart into overdrive.
“Sawyer?” I shout, taking off in a full sprint, completely disregarding every safety protocol and rule we have in place, hopping the guardrail, sliding through the mud toward her driver’s side, just to see if I can see inside, careful not to touch the car, afraid it will go. “Sawyer?” I shout, trying to see into the car, but the twisted metal, broken glass, and rain make it almost impossible. “I need some help down here!” I yell up toward the road.
I drop to my stomach in the slick mud, my heart pounding so wildly I can hear it in my ears.
“Sawyer? Can you hear me?” I holler into the car. The sound of the pounding rain makes everything harder. It’s like a discombobulating, constant white noise wrapping around us. It’s nearly impossible to think.
“Isaac!” I hear Grady call from behind me as he slides down on both feet, the mud becoming more and more dangerous as the rain keeps pouring. I look back over my shoulder at him to see him securing the safety harness around his body.
“She’s not responding.” I’m near frantic at this point, shoving past him to the passenger side of the car, which thankfully has been spared the brunt of the impact.
I lay on my stomach to look through the window, that is still intact, and everything in my body starts to buzz with fear and anger.
I can see her, twisted around with her torso laid over the center console, but slightly hanging as the seat belt has her pinned in the seat, completely upside down.
“Fuck! Sawyer!” I pound my fist on the glass window but the metal begins to groan and hiss from the movement.
“Christ, it’s going to go any second!” Grady yells out.
The driver’s side of her car is completely crushed in, pressing up against the left side of her body. The center console has totally encased the latch for the seat belt. The belt itself is pulling tight over her chest, keeping most of her body pressed tightly into the seat. It’s trapping her upside down. She couldn’t move even if she were conscious.
The rain and thunder set the scene like it’s straight out of a movie. Lights and voices are everywhere around us now, as the rest of my crew makes their way carefully to where we are. The embankment is steep. One misstep and we will end up at the bottom.
“Talk to me, Black,” Grady shouts over the pounding rain.
“I need to get her out. That guardrail can only hold so much weight and this car is going to go any second. I need to cut her from the belt and help her out.”
Everyone who is able descends upon us, trying to secure the car in place, but the added movement on the mud under the slick roof of the car starts making the car slide forward, adding tension to the piece of metal holding it in place. The metal begins to creak and crunch as it moves.
“Get back!” I wave them back up the hill. “Don’t come down here.”
“Go back up!” Grady shouts back.
“I have to break the window,” I tell him. He is the only one down here with me now. “I’d have to tug on the door too much to get it open and I don’t want to jostle it around.” I take off my helmet and jacket, leaving it in the mud.
“Isaac, you don’t have long.”
“I won’t let this car go with her in it. We are getting her out first. If nothing else, you make sure you get her out first, okay? Even if it means I’m in the car if something happens. She comes out first.”
“Isaac…”
“Look at me!” I nearly scream, grabbing the front of his helmet. “She comes out first. Okay?”
“Not a chance I’m leaving here without both of you in tow. No exceptions.”
I nod once and lie back down on my stomach, pulling the bright orange window punch from the utility belt around my waist. I give the window a tap, to see if I notice any twitch or movement from her hand, but I do not.
God, if you take her away from me… I’ll never forgive you.
“Busting now!” I communicate with Grady before giving the window a firm stab with the po
inted end of the punch, causing the window to shatter into a million pieces.
I toss the tool back out behind me, and use my gloved hand to move the glass out of the way, before sliding the front half of my body into the window of the car.
It’s never easy to keep your bearings inside of an overturned car, and unfortunately, this isn’t my first time inside of one. It’s confusing at first and feels so foreign for something you’ve been inside of so many times.
The airbags have deployed, causing the white, fire suppressant dust to cover the dark interior of her vehicle.
I carefully roll over to my back, and slide my body underneath what is left of the steering column when the metal begins to groan again. I freeze, closing my eyes and holding stock-still until the sound stops.
When I open my eyes, a sight I never hope to see again greets me.
Sawyer face is swollen, covered in blood, coming from somewhere I can’t pinpoint yet. She nearly doesn’t even look like herself.
“Baby? Sawyer?” I slip my glove off then reach up and touch her face, sliding my fingers down the column of her neck and holding there, praying I feel the beating rhythm of her pulse. “Come on, baby. Come on.”
Thump. Thump. Thump.
There has never been a better feeling.
“She’s alive!” I call out to Grady, and I hear him relay the message up the embankment.
I feel around her, trying to see if I can just unhook the seat belt and get her out, but the angle of everything and the state of the car itself makes it impossible.
“Isaac, we’ve got a lot of water coming down this hill. The rain is picking up. We gotta move it!” Grady warns me, as I reach down and pull the seat belt cutter from my belt.
“Get down. Get ready to pull her out!”
I yank the belt away from her skin and line the blade up with the material and try to yank the slice through in one motion, because doing it more than once becomes a game of Russian roulette. I know when I finally get her free; her entire body weight is going to shift. I have to be able to brace her on top of me to keep from jostling the car too much.
“Are you ready?” I ask out to Grady, and he confirms he is.