‘Come and see Grimegorn’s AMAZEROUS new addition!’ he yelled as visitors hurried by. ‘Feast your peepers on this, the most disgusterous and stinksome creature the worlds have ever seen!’
‘It soon becomes quite normal.’ Gully laughed. ‘I think he’s talking about you, by the way.’
I tried to laugh too, but I was feeling sick with sadness.
‘We’re going to grow old here, aren’t we?’ It felt like an enormous thump to my stomach.
‘Try not to think about it,’ Gully continued, putting his hand on my shoulder. ‘It never helps.’
‘It’s all my fault,’ I murmured, feeling tears welling up in my eyes.
‘Do you know what they called me when I first arrived, you disgusterous and stinksome creature?’ Gully joked, changing the subject.
I shrugged.
‘They said I was a horned battle bungler.’
‘How long have you been in here?’ I asked, unable to stop myself from chuckling.
‘I don’t really know,’ Gully said. ‘It’s hard to keep count of the days and nights when there’s only mushroom-light to go by. A long time, though.’
‘Did you do something wrong?’
‘Hmm?’
‘I mean – ’ I said, trying not to be rude – ‘why were you thrown in here?’
‘Ah… that old story.’ Gully groaned. ‘Queen Latrina decided she wanted a faun bodyguard. It was fashionable at the time, or something – and goblins love their fashion. She found out that the troll mayor in the next town over had a team of faun security guards and wanted one for herself.’
‘That dreaderous queen!’ Mrs Morkie scoffed, from above. ‘It makes my blood boil, it does.’
‘Captain Grumpwhistle and his stupid officers snitched me when I was asleep in the woods, but when they marched me all the way back to Gradibash, the queen was furious they’d only grabbed a little one. She got herself a giant crunkodile instead and I was thrown in this pla— OOOW!’
A half-eaten junkumfruit sailed into the cage and hit Gully square in the face with a loud SQUELCH! He toppled to the floor, covered in sticky slime.
‘Make them do something, Moomsie!’ a voice snivelled just outside the bars.
I turned to see a chubsome goblin child and his mother standing there, looking impatient. The squatling fixed his beady eyes on me now and raised his arm, preparing to launch a second chunk of gloopy fruit.
‘Why aren’t they running about?’ the child whined. ‘I want to see the grotly human doing people-stuff!’
‘They’re just brainless beastlies, my scrumplet,’ its mother replied. ‘Revoltus things, if you ask me!’
‘Don’t even think about it,’ I growled, before the goblin kid could throw his next handful of overripe mush. Suddenly, all the fear and panic and sadness at being filched from my own home, the worry that I wouldn’t see my BRILLIANT family again, and the anger that Grogbah and his stupid cronies had got away with it, exploded inside me. It was like an instant fireball in my belly. I jumped to my feet and roared through the cage bars like I was a bloodthirsty gristle-witch.
‘AAAAAAAAAAGH!’ the pair screamed, scrambling to a safe distance.
‘I ATE TWENTY GOBLINS FOR BREAKFAST!’ I howled, clawing the air and snarling with all the fury that was swooshing around in my tummy. ‘BUT I COULD STILL MANAGE A FEW MORE!!’
They didn’t stick around for a second longer, let me tell you. Without even glancing back at the cage, the two stumpy tourists tore off through the park, wailing and gnashing as they went.
At any other time it would have been hilarious to see them sprinting away, scattering coupons and attraction tickets, but not just then…
‘Well handled, my dear,’ Mrs Morkie chuckled.
‘Very well handled,’ Gully agreed as he sat back up. He searched my face for a smile, only to catch a flash of unhappiness in my eyes again. I couldn’t hide it.
‘It’ll be all right in the end, I promise,’ he said. ‘We’ll be your family now.’
For a second, I thought I was going to burst out sobbing, but I gritted my toes and clenched my bottom. The last thing I wanted was for one of the goblins outside to see me upset.
‘That’s right,’ Mrs Morkie sighed, scooping me onto her lap and wrapping me in a hairy hug. ‘We might be squished like pickled prawks in a jar, but we’re pickled prawks together.’
‘Exactly!’ Gully said, climbing onto Morkie’s lap as well and snuggling into her fur next to me. ‘You’ll get used to zoo life in no time.’
I managed a pathetic smile at Gully and Mrs Morkie, even though I remember secretly thinking there was no way that could EVER happen. But the truth is… I suppose it did after a while.
* * *
Mushrooms brightened and faded, and days and nights rolled along until I started to lose count of how many had passed by. A week? Two? Maybe three? I had no idea.
In the daytime, when the toadstools all glowed brilliantly, we spent the hours watching the tourists come and go, clicking their cameras and waving their guidebooks.
Everything ran like clockwork in that horrible place. If Mum was here, she couldn’t have organised it better!
On Moondays (that’s Monday to you humans) the Grimegorn guards would escort me from my cage to the Predator Parade Theatre, where I’d have to stand while noggin-bonked goblins would take photographs, holler and throw food at me. It was about as glum and dismal a mess as I’ve ever been in, but I soon learned that if I roared and gave them a bit of a show, I could collect a feast to take back for Viscera, Gully and Mrs Morkie. I’m serious! A few days ago, I caught a whole roasted trog hog, and this morning a particularly spoiled-looking family threw a crustacean-cream cake! Goblins have fancy taste in food!
Then, on Wungleswatch (that’s the magical version of Wednesday – don’t ask) I would be moved to the big bird-like cage in the centre of the park, so tourists could get that extra bit closer and have their pictures taken right in front of me.
It was the WORST! I swear! Scaring goblins who were brave enough to walk up to the bars became the only fun thing to do to help while away the hours on those grim days.
And then… in the evenings, after the mushrooms had shrivelled and the customers had gone back to their sewer streets and houses, me, Gully and Mrs Morkie would huddle in the darkness, chatting. I hadn’t managed to talk too much about my family yet – it upset me too much – but I don’t know what I would have done without my cellmates to cheer me up.
It turned out that Gully was GREAT at telling jokes, and Morkie refused to stop trying to tempt Viscera out of her lantern sulking space with stories and promises of cups of imaginary tea.
‘Would you like some, deary?’ Mrs Morkie would say into the little glowing lamp.
‘BOG OFF!’ came the angrily squeaked reply, and the candle inside the lantern would be immediately extinguished.
It was always the same, my reader friend. Day after night after day after night. And it looked like it was going to stay that way, until…
THEN THERE WERE FIVE
Mutter… grumble… moan…
I opened one eye and listened for a moment, then wondered if I’d imagined it. I was on Mrs Morkie’s knee, snoozing peacefully. Maybe I was still dreaming?
I’d been in Grimegorn for longer than I could keep track of by now. I had taken to counting on the stone walls, scratching notches every day with a little pebble that had been thrown by a goblin tourist, but I still couldn’t work it out.
Who could be nattering at this time of night? The tour guides had gone home ages ago, and the night guards only marched about in brutish silence.
Murmur… mumble… groan…
The noise came again, and this time it sounded much closer. It seemed to be coming from outside the cage.
I sat up groggily and saw that Gully and Mrs Morkie were both quietly dozing. It couldn’t be either of them, so I clambered down the side of the cuddlump’s hairy leg and crept towards the bars.
&n
bsp; I wasn’t sure why, but the hairs on the back of my neck started to tingle, and was it me, or did I catch the unmistakeable scent of magical spells on the air? I hadn’t smelled that fizzy whiff since the last time I saw Maudlin Maloney. It pricked at my memories of home, waking me fully in an instant. What if… What if my ancient leprechaun friend had finally come to rescue me?
‘Hello?’ I stammered, peering into the gloom outside. ‘Maudlin? Is that you?’
For a second, I could only make out the shape of a nearby bench and the shut-up snack cart that sold toe-cheese popcorn and bunion burgers, but as my troll-eyes adjusted, I spotted a shadowy figure standing in the little stream that flowed near our cage.
Whatever this creature was, its face was hidden deep in the folds of a tattered cloak, but a pair of large orange eyes blinked at me from beneath the hood. They seemed to stare right into my brain, and I caught the smell of sorcery wafting around me again.
I could barely breathe and my skin prickled with goosebumps. There was no way the strange figure could be a goblin – or Maudlin Maloney, for that matter. It was as tall as Dad and incredibly thin.
‘Frankie?’ a voice whispered behind me. I was so startled my hair nearly stood on end right there and then. I let out an embarrassing yelp as I spun round.
‘It’s all right! It’s just me!’ The voice belonged to Gully. He click-clacked a few steps closer, rubbing his eye with the back of his wrist. ‘What are you doing?’
‘There’s someone… something out there, Gully,’ I whimpered as a jolt of fear crackled through me. Whatever this creature was, I felt sure it shouldn’t be here. ‘In the water.’
The faun wrinkled up his forehead in concentration and squinted sleepily out into the darkness.
‘Where?’
As if in answer to Gully’s question, the creature hopped out of the water and padded over to us, making wet slapping sounds against the pavement with its large frog-like feet that stuck out beneath the cloak.
‘Oh!’ Gully gasped as he spotted the shadowy figure. I expected him to look as scared and worried as I felt, so I was pretty confused to see a smile spread across his face.
‘That’s Impya!’ he beamed. Then he turned to where Mrs Morkie was snoring and yelled, ‘Morkie! Impya’s here. Wake up!’
‘Blurgh!’ Mrs Morkie jolted awake. ‘What? Tea, anyone?’
‘It’s Impya!’ Gully cheered again. ‘She’s here!’
‘Ah, lovely,’ Mrs Morkie replied, coming to her senses. She shuffled nearer to us on her bottom. ‘How nice to have a bit of extra company.’
The thing – Impya – stepped into the candlelight right outside the cell and grunted a greeting.
‘I’ve come to have a nose about,’ she said, grabbing the bars with long webbed fingers and sniffing the air. ‘The pipes have been echoing with rumours, so I thought I’d come see if all the gossip is true. Has loopy-Latrina really clunked a human?’
‘Here I am,’ I said to the creature, and she snapped her head towards me.
This close to the cage lanterns, I could make out the lines of Impya’s face under the heavy hood. She looked like some kind of froggle with her mottled blotchy skin and those enormous round eyes, but nothing like Mr Croakum back at the hotel. This thing was different to any species of froggle I’d seen before.
‘So, this is what all the fuss is about,’ she said, inspecting me. ‘I never thought I’d see an overling again. It’s been over a hundred years. You’re so… little.’
Something about this strange animal from the stream filled me with a sense of unease. She stank of rare hexes and forbidden spells I’d heard Maudlin muttering about.
Clutching a wooden staff covered in hanging bottles and pouches, wearing a cloak dotted with buttons, brooches, trinkets and talismans of all descriptions, she was a magical sight to behold. Mischief oozed from her every pore.
If I’ve learned anything from spending time with Mankey Old Maloney and all her charms, it probably meant Impya was MEGA tricksy too. Although Mrs Morkie and Gully’s excitement at seeing the strange creature made me wonder if she might be as helpful as my leprechaun friend.
‘It’s squibbly to see you, Impya!’ Morkie chuckled.
‘Likewise,’ the frog-thing answered. Then, to me, ‘What are you gawping at, human?’
I hadn’t realised I was goggling quite so insanely, and I blinked then looked down at my feet, blushing.
‘I’m only twisting your tail,’ she rasped. I couldn’t tell if it was a cough or a laugh. ‘Old Impya is used to it. They all gawk at me, so they do. Pointing and shouting, ‘Wretch Wench! Mucus Mother! Slime Wife!” GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM! Simpletumps!’
‘Oh, my dear!’ Mrs Morkie laughed. ‘Such names… I don’t know where they come up with them. They’ve all got tiny brains!’
Impya shrugged.
‘Nasty small-minded goblins,’ Morkie continued. ‘Well, don’t hang around outside, friend, the guards are on patrol.’
I watched with my heart pounding in my ears as Impya stepped right up to the iron bars and pressed herself against one of the narrow gaps.
‘You can’t fit through there.’ I grimaced. ‘It’s too small – you’ll hurt yourself!’
‘Watch this.’ Gully beamed, twitching his eyebrows mischievously.
And watch it I did…
There was a slurping squidgy sound and I nearly cried out with shock as the bizarre creature smooshed herself through the bars. It was like an octopus fitting into the tiny spaces of a coral reef.
‘Ta-dah,’ Impya croaked. In no time she was next to us inside the cage, brushing out the wrinkles in her cloak with her speckled fingers.
‘How did you do that?’ I asked, forgetting my worry and brimming with excitement instead. ‘That was honkhumptious!’
My thoughts started to race. A magical stranger appearing out of the night and squishing herself through the bars of our cell was pretty impressive stuff, and… what if Impya was the glimmer of hope I’d been praying for? I’ve felt guilty about poor Princess Von Tangle ever since we got stuck in Grimegorn, but if this froggle-thing could teach me to squeeze through the cage bars, she might be the key to us getting out of here.
‘It’s just a talent.’ Impya smirked. ‘Something I learned. Means I can ramble wherever I like. Stay hidden. Sneak about…’
‘You go everywhere, don’t you?’ Morkie cooed. ‘Back and forth and back again.’
‘There’s nothing I haven’t seen on my wandering.’ Impya nodded. ‘No one can squizzle the Slime Wife in a cage.’
‘Well, we’re glad you’ve wandered over to see us again,’ said Gully. ‘It’s been ages.’
‘These tired feet have been all over the wuzzled world,’ Impya grunted as she sat herself on the stone floor and stretched out her legs. ‘I couldn’t resist returning to have a look at this young human, though.’
‘Have you come across anything interesting lately, dear?’ Mrs Morkie asked.
‘Armfuls of oddlies. The world is a dark and stupidly place… full of finger-pointers and tongue-clickers…’
‘Oh! Tell us EVERYTHING!’ the cuddlump chuckled, rubbing her hands together. ‘It’s been yonks and yonkers since we’ve had news from out there. Any juicy gossipy bits?’
‘Hogsplosh to all that!’ Impya replied with a crooked smile. ‘Nothing but idiumps and prattlers out there! The Slime Wife didn’t travel all this way to tell you bedtime stories about snipes in the pipes and gormorous goblins, Morkie! My squeery ears want to hear all about you…’ She waved her wooden staff at me and waggled it under my nose. ‘You’re a long way from home, boy. Something wonksome’s happened here…’
‘Oh! I’m so glad you said that, Impya!’ Mrs Morkie squealed with delight, turning her attention my way. ‘I didn’t think it polite to snoop, but I’ve been itching and scritching to ask about how you ended up here, Frankie… and the tiny princess.’
‘Princess?’ snorted Impya.
‘She’s not too
happy,’ Mrs Morkie whispered, pointing at the lantern on the wall. ‘Stropsy little thing. Piskie royalty. Doesn’t come out much.’
‘Bah to princesses,’ Impya grunted. ‘I want to hear your story, overling.’
‘Me too!’ Gully joined in with a wink. He sat on the floor next to Impya, just far enough away to avoid the pool of green ooze that was spreading out around her like a moat. They didn’t call her the Slime Wife for nothing.
‘That’s settled, then. Now start from the beginning,’ Impya croaked. ‘And don’t leave ANYTHING out!’
STORIES IN THE DARK
After what must have been weeks of living crumped up and miserable in Grimegorn, I realised I still hadn’t told my new friends why me and Viscera were there in the first place. I had attempted it a few times when we’d been joking and telling tales late at night, but it made me feel too sad and teary to talk about, so I just gave up.
I knew my cellmates’ stories almost by heart. Gully had been grabbed while he was taking a nap from his faun clan’s Great Grecian Hinkapoot Hunt, and Mrs Morkie had regaled us loads of times with stories of the night she had wandered into Gradibash when she was on a sightseeing holiday in the Underneath. Stupid Queen Latrina had mistaken the kindly cuddlump for a razor-toothed pudgenut and thrown her into the zoo nearly seventy years ago!
At first, the idea of retelling everything that had happened to me over the past CRAZY summer made me feel all wimbly and I wasn’t even sure I could get the words out. I’d done my best to try and not think about my beautiful-bonkers family and the hotel too much lately. It always left me down-in-the-dumples whenever I did.
‘Ummm,’ I mumbled with a trembling voice. ‘I… Well…’
‘Yes?’ Morkie said with a grin. ‘That’s a good start. What else?’
‘You see… I… There was… ummm… I don’t…’ It was no use. I could already feel my eyes filling with tears. If I spoke one more word, I knew I’d be blubbing like a blurtle in seconds.
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