Breathless With Her

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “We’re Carrs,” Caleb grumbled as he walked in, beer in hand. He leaned against the doorframe, a little separate from us but still part of the group. Classic Caleb.

  “I know you’re Carrs. I’m just saying that you’re a very strong family. Therefore, you’re always going to be in each other’s business and wanting what’s best for one another. Now, who wants cheese?”

  “You know I do,” Dimitri said, meeting Thea’s gaze with a heated look.

  “Okay, stop eye-fucking over the cheese,” I grumbled, taking the plate from her.

  “Now that’s an image I never want in my brain again,” Caleb said, snorting before taking a slice of Havarti and a cracker.

  “There are four types of cheeses, but I have two spares if none of these work for you.”

  “So, you brought an entire smorgasbord of cheese to my house?” I asked, taking a bite of Brie on a piece of toasted bread. Thea had added a little bit of honey to the top, and I pretty much almost came in my jeans just then.

  Dear God, I was becoming one of them with their cheese. I needed help. Or I just needed more cheese.

  “Of course, I brought cheese,” Thea said, giving me an innocent look. There was nothing innocent about any of us in the room. But that was fine. “Why would I leave the house without cheese?”

  “Or baked goods,” Amelia said, munching on a piece of aged cheddar. “She brought dessert.”

  “Well, you do own a bakery,” I put in. “It’s kind of your thing.”

  “And Erin’s,” Amelia said, batting her eyelashes.

  “Erin? Who’s Erin?” Thea asked.

  “Erin Taborn. She used to be Erin Rose back in school.” Amelia started talking, and I tried to shut her up, but she just turned her back to me so the rest of them were looking at each other, and I was left out. That way, they could talk about me. Ah, family.

  “Wait, and you dated her sister, right? In high school?” Dimitri asked.

  “Her name was Jennifer,” Caleb put in.

  I flipped them all off. “How on Earth do you know all that?” I asked, grumbling.

  “Well, number one, Amelia knew. Therefore, we already sort of talked about it. But Thea didn’t know. Now that she knows, we can all discuss your sex life.” Caleb just grinned.

  “After all, we did see her sleeping on your couch.”

  “You made her sleep on your couch?” Thea asked.

  “It was one time, and it was after she left her husband.”

  “Oh my God, Devin.”

  “Oh, stop it. That’s not what I meant.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I’m not getting into it.”

  “I will,” Amelia said and then laid out all the facts as she knew them. It worried me how much she actually knew.

  “And now her whole bakery is flooded?” Thea asked, her hands over her mouth. “Is there anything we can do? I mean, I know it’s a bit of a drive down to mine, but maybe I can help. I don’t even want to think about what would happen if that happened to my place.” Dimitri leaned over and kissed the top of her head. “Considering that your bakery tried to go down in a blaze of glory, and you got hurt because of it, as did your brother-in-law? Let’s not talk about what could happen to your bakery, okay?” Dimitri met her gaze, and we were all silent for a moment while the two of them just looked at each other.

  The couple had gone through hell in order to get together, and I was glad that they had each other. And the fact that Thea was ready to help a woman that she really didn’t know spoke volumes.

  “Erin should be fine. It’s been about a week now, and they’ve been working on things behind the scenes. She’s been baking out of her kitchen and out of another company’s kitchen, as well. It should only take another couple of weeks before things are back to normal. She’s stressing, but she’s getting stuff done.”

  “Oh, that’s good to hear. But you let her know I’m here if there’s anything I can do, any supplies or stuff that needs to be replaced that she can’t get right now. I’m sure I have things that she could use.”

  “I’ll let her know.”

  “You better.”

  “And you know, she’s pretty much like you, Thea. She’s probably not going to take help unless you push it on her. So, I’ll keep a look out,” Amelia said, smiling. “If it looks like she actually needs help and isn’t going to take any, I’ll push it at her.”

  “Hey, don’t crowd her,” I said, looking down at my beer.

  “I’m not going to crowd her,” Amelia said. “She’s my friend. I want to help.”

  “Well, she’s my friend, too. And she doesn’t like asking for help.” After all, she hadn’t asked me for help at all. She hadn’t even thought to contact me. No, everyone else had been there, helping her out. I hadn’t been.

  It still bugged the fuck out of me. Because even though we were just friends—friends with benefits, in fact—there should have been more in times like these.

  I should have been able to help. But she hadn’t wanted to rely on me.

  And it grated.

  “Friends?” Caleb asked.

  “We don’t have an exact label. She just got out of a very long-term relationship. A marriage that really didn’t end well. And she doesn’t want anything serious.”

  Everyone was silent for a moment, and Dimitri met my gaze, worry shining there.

  “Well, what do you want?”

  “I just want her happy,” I whispered, not realizing the words were out until they were already there.

  “So, what does that mean?” Amelia asked, coming over to put her hand on my forearm. “Because you need to be happy, too, Devin.”

  I snarled at them all and rolled my shoulders back. Even Captain leaned against me as if he knew I was feeling a little down. I didn’t want them to see that. Dimitri might have been joking earlier, but I was the one who took care of people. Just like he was, but since he was down south, I was closer to the rest of the family. I had to be the strong one.

  “I’m fine. We’re only a few weeks in. It’s not like there’re wedding bells or some shit.”

  “Well, she does make wedding cakes,” Caleb said, grinning.

  “Yeah, not for herself. That’s not happening.” It wasn’t going to happen. Especially if she had anything to say about it.

  Not that I wanted to get married. But the idea that we were in such a murky relationship was weird. Because I did want to settle down eventually. I wanted a family. I looked at the way Dimitri was with Thea, the way they already had their dog and were thinking about babies. I wanted that.

  It just wasn’t going to happen with Erin.

  So, I had to figure out what to do with that.

  “I thought I was going to make all of your wedding cakes?” Thea asked, putting her hands on her hips. “It was sort of the deal when I came into this family.”

  “Well, if we bring another baker into the family, we’re going to have to have baking wars. Maybe we’ll get a TV show,” Amelia said, clapping her hands. “It would be fun.”

  “No baking wars,” Dimitri said. “Plus, Thea’s the best.”

  I raised both brows. “Yeah, pretty sure Erin’s the best.”

  “Those are fighting words. And here I let you eat my cheese.” Thea took the plate from me and lifted her chin. “There is no cheese for people who mock my baking.”

  “I didn’t mock it. I just said Erin was superior.”

  “Because you’re sleeping with her,” Caleb said, reaching around Thea for another piece of cheese. “You have to say that.”

  “What, I like her goods.”

  “Oh, shut up,” Amelia said. “That wasn’t even a good joke.”

  “No, it really wasn’t.” I grinned and shook my head. “You’re amazing, Thea. We’ll just put you as equal. That way, I won’t get kicked in the shin.”

  Thea raked her gaze down me, and then met my eyes. “Oh, I wasn’t going to kick your shin, dear Devin.”

  I winced and covered myself. The rest of the room laug
hed.

  We talked, and I just listened to my family and wondered how this had happened. I hated feeling insecure, hated feeling like I wasn’t doing things right.

  But it was fine. I could make Erin happy. If only for a little while.

  And then I’d find what I needed. Find that time to settle down.

  Because in the end, I was the one with my destiny in my hands. No one else.

  And I wasn’t going to get hurt. Nor was I going to let Erin get hurt. We’d figure it out.

  At least, I hoped.

  Chapter 11

  Erin

  I was exhausted deep down to my bones. But I was exhilarated at the same time. It had been two weeks since my shop ended up underwater. It was scary to think that I could have lost everything—and had lost some because of the rain. And a shoddy roof that shouldn’t have been that shoddy.

  The place had been inspected just this year, in fact, but they had either missed something, or the rain and wind had hit it just right.

  The insurance adjuster hadn’t been sure, but either way, I had gotten my money. I paid an expensive premium for a reason. Thankfully, I wasn’t going to lose my entire life savings because of the damage.

  Before, I likely would have freaked out more than I did. And I would have tried to lean on Nicholas. And he wouldn’t have let me. He would’ve been focused on trying to find a job, trying to build a new business, trying to do something with him as the focus.

  I hadn’t realized until it was far too late how insular and selfish he actually was.

  Everything I accomplished, I did on my own. Without him. Without his help. That was why my name had been on the deed, and he hadn’t been part of it. He hadn’t believed I could do it at all. He hadn’t wanted us to spend any money on me, just him.

  I hadn’t realized that at the time. I’d only thought he hadn’t wanted us to take the risks. Even though the entire way he operated was a risk.

  But this wasn’t that life. I wasn’t with him. I never would be again.

  And, thanks to my friends, especially Mrs. Murphy, I was doing okay. The damage hadn’t been as bad as I thought, and the faulty refrigerator was being replaced. That meant I would soon be able to move back into my shop. In fact, they were talking about letting me go tomorrow. That’s how fast everybody had worked for me. They were amazing. I honestly could not believe how many people cared about me now.

  Especially Devin.

  He was only supposed to be a distraction. Just fun.

  But I was leaning on him. Relying on him. And it was scary.

  Because what if he left? What if he decided that this was too much, just like Nicholas.

  Just like my dad.

  I shook my head, pushing those thoughts away. It wouldn’t be good of me to dwell on them. Just because I was afraid of what might happen didn’t mean it actually would.

  After all, Devin and I had been very careful. We’d said we were just going to be casual. Sleeping with each other and going on dates when we could.

  The fact that he was busy, and so was I, meant that we’d only seen each other a few times outside of him helping at the shop.

  And that was fine.

  I didn’t need anything more. Because if I got more, I would want it. I would start to rely on it.

  And I had to realize that I could only depend on myself.

  The fact that I was also relying on my friends—Amelia, Zoey, Mrs. Murphy—notwithstanding. They were friends. They were different.

  My sister Jennifer was far too busy with her family, and I didn’t want to lean on her. I knew she would let me, but I wouldn’t do it.

  And Devin? Yes, he was a friend. But it was all so murky, I had to be careful. As long as we were cautious, no one would get hurt.

  “What do you think about this dress?” Jennifer asked, holding up a very tiny little black dress to her body.

  I grinned and shook my head. “Yeah, just think about one of your baby girls in that dress.”

  Jennifer raised her head and narrowed her eyes. “Excuse me? My babies are way away from wearing this type of dress.”

  “Yeah, not quite sure your ass is going to fit in that.”

  She flipped me off, and I just shook my head. “I’m kidding. Your ass is great. And even if your ass didn’t fit in it, who cares. You could still wear it. Wherever you want. You’re gorgeous, Jennifer.”

  “Aw, you’re sweet. But, no, you’re right. I don’t think I can walk around the street with my ass hanging out. Literally. But maybe for at home with the hubby.”

  I mock-shuddered, and she just laughed at me. “You’re ridiculous. I have baby girls. They did come from somewhere other than the stork. So, you know, I’ve had sex.”

  “I really don’t want to think about it.”

  “So you don’t want to think about the sex I’ve had with everybody? And not just my husband.”

  I froze.

  Her eyes widened. “I meant before I met him. Not during. I’m not cheating on him. I swear. Oh my God. That just came out wrong. I was going to try to make fun of you and Devin being together. And then it got weird.”

  I just looked at her, blinking. “You wanted to try and make me think of you sleeping with the guy I’m currently sleeping with, and that wouldn’t be weird?”

  “Okay, I suck at these things. I’m not cheating on my husband. Nicholas is an asshole. I’m not.” She paused. “Okay, so I am an asshole. But I’m your lovable asshole.”

  I just looked at her and threw back my head and laughed. “My lovable asshole?”

  “What? It’s a thing.”

  “It’s really not. And I really don’t want to know if you and Devin ever slept together.”

  “We didn’t. If that’s helpful. Although he is good with his hands.”

  She winked, and I gagged. “Hey. None of that now. I mean, if you keep going, I’m going to save that dress for when your oldest gets big enough to fit into it. And then she’s going to show up wearing it to prom.”

  “Hey, you’re supposed to be the cool aunt. Not the bad influence.”

  “I can be both.”

  “Like you have a bad bone in your body. You were the sweet and good one. I was the one with the rebellious side.”

  “Yeah, maybe. But look how good that turned out. I was the one in the nice and sweet and happy relationship since I was like ten or something. Now, look.”

  “You’re a successful businesswoman with a group of friends and a steady life? I’m not quite sure what you’re complaining about.” She pulled out another dress, this one with sparkles, and then shook her head, tossing it in the donate pile. Every once in a while, we went through each other’s closets to see what we could donate, sell, or trade. We’d never had much money growing up, so actually having extra clothes was a big deal to us. But we also remembered going through donation boxes and racks at thrift stores to find items that we could actually wear for school. So, we made sure we donated as much as possible. We weren’t the same people we had been when we were younger. I had a steady job, one that I literally put my blood, sweat, and tears into. Jennifer was a stay-at-home mom for now, but anyone who’s ever known or been a mom knows that there’s nothing stay-at-home when it comes to being a mother. Jennifer was constantly on the go with her daughters. But when they got older, she wanted to go back into the workforce. But that was up to her and her husband. I would support her no matter what she did.

  “You didn’t sleep with him?” I blurted, not realizing that the question had been in the back of my mind this whole time.

  “No. But you have. I saw the way you’re walking all bow-legged.”

  I threw a throw pillow at her. “You’re a bitch.”

  “Well, yeah. But he’s clearly making you happy. And that makes me happy. Because you need it. And I’m not just talking about dick. Although, you needed a dick, and now you’ve got a dick. And you’re getting all the happy.”

  “You’re very lucky your baby girls are out with your husband right now
. You don’t want them walking in on their momma talking about dick.”

  “But good dick. And let me tell you, my husband gives good dick. And from that cat-in-cream smile on your face, Devin gives you good dick, too.”

  “You’re so weird. I’m not talking about that.”

  “Fine. Give me no details. I see how it is. But, seriously, I’m glad that he makes you smile.”

  “We’re just friends.”

  “Friends who bone. And don’t give me that shit. You talk about him. He’s part of your life. You’re not just friends.”

  I looked down at my hands, fisting them in front of me. “We are. We’ve already laid out the rules. We’re in our nice, firm, little box, and we’re not going to step out of it. I’m not ready for a serious relationship.”

  “Well, what about Devin? Is he ready?”

  I shook my head and then froze. No. He couldn’t be. He just wanted this to be fun for now, too. When he was ready to move on, we would both move on. And no one would get hurt.

  “Everything’s fine, Jenn.”

  “I know you say that, but I’m worried about you. If you keep telling yourself it’s just friends with benefits or whatever title you’re using, things implode. They roll into one thing or another, and if you’re not open to that, you’re going to get hurt.”

  “No, I’m going to get hurt if I don’t set those boundaries. I’m fine. I’m having fun. So is he. And it’s good to just let loose once in a while.”

  “And yet you’re letting him help you with work?”

  I shook my head. “Maybe. But that’s because we’re friends first.”

  She studied my face. I didn’t know what she saw there, but she turned away and looked back in her closet. “Okay. I love you. And I trust you. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

  I sighed and then got up so I could wrap my arms around her from behind. I leaned my head against her back and blew out a breath. “I don’t want to get hurt either. That’s why I’m being careful.”

  “You can be careful all you want, but sometimes, you can’t help it. You know what we grew up with.”