by Jamie Knight
But obviously I would have to bite my tongue and be professional. It was about Kylie, I continued to remind myself. Why couldn’t they all be Sookie – the perfect little girl – and then none of this would have to be assigned.
And I wouldn’t have to break up scuffles between little innocent six-year-olds; nor would I most certainly have to revisit an old flame. The same old flame who took my virginity and apparently still took up too much residency in my head.
All night I tossed and turned, thinking about what would happen the next day.
Would Marvin look different?
Would it be obvious to him, or worse, to Candy, that I still had some residual feelings for him?
Would I be able to maintain my professional stance in the face of not only this former flame, but also in the face of pressing issues regarding his precious little girl?
I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t feeling confident at all. I rolled over and counted to ten, trying desperately to slow my heart rate and get to sleep. As my mind wandered between sleep and full awakeness, suddenly I was back in my memory to the night Marvin and I made love at his friend Greg’s summer house in the Berkshires.
Marv and I had driven to a concert in Western Massachusetts not far from New York. To this day, I’ve never been able to remember who we saw in concert, but I do know we were stoned and so hot for each other that night. I turned to the other side of my bed.
The memories came flooding back. After we left the concert that night, I remembered that we went to Greg’s cottage - it smelled like Patchouli. Greg’s dad was an alternative healer and his mom was a sex therapist.
Greg never cared that we used it. He was usually banging someone from the Water Polo team – he loved buff blonde girls. Apparently, he and Greg’s mom had an open relationship, something I had never been able to understand, but that Greg said worked for them.
Even though Marv and I had the place to ourselves, I remembered that we had hung out most of the night. We just sat around and talked and didn’t rush into sex. For the most part, we just passed a joint and talked all night about our life plans.
Marvin said I was the most beautiful girl he’d ever known. I believed him. I remembered just gazing at him for a long time. We were both high but there was something magical happening that night.
Then almost as I was about to well up – I was so happy – he took his two fingers and without breaking our mutual gaze, he slid his hand underneath my short shorts. It was intense. I kept staring into his big brown eyes.
He circled up and back with his fingers, as my clit grew more and more swollen and my pussy hole became wetter and wetter. In fact, I was so wet after about five minutes that I could barely stand it.
Everything seemed to stop at that moment. It was like I could see us having a life, getting married, having two and a half children and a Porsche… the whole American dream.
But it wasn’t meant to be. It was all child’s play, I reminded the current me with insomnia, dreading the imminent meeting.
It seemed to be getting later and later and I couldn’t get any sleep. At my wit’s end, I grabbed the remote and turned on an AM radio show. I thought this would be just boring enough to put me to sleep. Ironically it didn’t, but it calmed me.
Suddenly my mind floated again and I was back at the cottage. Without thinking, I put my hand on my pussy and circled it the way he had done so many years earlier. I tried to picture him looking at me the way he did.
The fantasy was feeling utterly realistic – I could smell him. I slid my other hand up my baby doll top and cupped my breast while caressing my hard nipples.
I stopped for a second as I was momentarily overwhelmed by the sound of my own heavy breathing. It shocked me.
I was even more surprised by how hard I was breathing – had I ever breathed that way since I had been with Marvin? I began to rub my swollen clitoris.
Moaning, I whispered, Marvin. Make me cum. Make me cum. I need you. Fuck me.
As I rubbed harder and harder to reach climax, I could feel him there, like he was right on top of me.
I arched my back and pointed my toes. The groans and moans coming from my orgasmic self were wholly unfamiliar.
They were the groans of the girl I used to be. Not the experienced, worldly being that I had become. Not the girl who had been gallivanting around Paris. But instead, the innocent flower just coming of age.
The Olivia now, so, in control of myself and my life – or so I thought – that girl was away for a moment. It was just like the first time I was with Marvin. This was pure fantasy, but it was so unbelievably real.
I felt like the once sexual burgeoning me, my younger self. When everything Marvin did was a surprise. When every touch made me tremble. When every groan and moan that came out of me was a shock, even to me.
Climax approached. I didn’t want this fantasy session to end. I was rubbing harder and moving my back side up and down, writhing like a cat in heat.
The screams were close.
I stopped a holler so that my neighbors wouldn’t hear and opted instead to gasp, whispering, Marvin. Marvin, Fuck me Marvin. Fuck me. Please don’t stop… Don’t stop.
And I fell off my hand, shaking from pleasure. It then occurred to me – I hadn’t even used my vibrator. I didn’t need it. It had been so not like me to masturbate without it, at least not of late.
It really was like I was transported back to the most sexually awakened period of my youth. I rolled over, ready to fall fell asleep, no shower, no thought of cleaning up. Just raw sexual reality.
I didn’t want to clean it off. I wanted to fall asleep as I had with Marvin that night, naked and steamy and smelling of sex.
It was beautiful. And it finally helped ease my mind from the fear of having to see him again tomorrow after all this time.
Chapter 16
Olivia
The tension was real. Candy did not show up to our parent-teacher meeting; instead, Winston brought Sasha, whom he introduced as his nanny.
Great.
I tried so hard not to roll my eyes. I wasn’t sure if I was successful.
She was shaking her right leg a lot, the one crossed over her left, and I could smell the remnants of cigarette smoke on her. She was gritting her teeth as I spoke in depth about Kylie. Reserving judgment – she could have been simply annoyed with Marvin, but she did seem slightly off – I tried to forge ahead.
Marvin was refusing to look at me or her and instead chose to direct all his anger at the school. While I wasn’t shocked at Sasha’s demeanor, I was shocked that she was so beautiful.
She had a small, pretty face, with huge blue eyes and a gorgeous jaw line. Quite honestly, she was lovely.
It would have been a perfect meeting of the minds if I could have said the same about Marvin. I didn’t think he could possibly be a bigger egomaniac than he had been the day previously, on the phone. But he was.
As far as his physical appearance went, however, he looked incredible. Not one hair was out of place, not one ounce of fat - he was undeniably gorgeous. Except for a few very sexy laugh lines, he had not even aged one bit.
I couldn’t help but feel butterflies. Maybe the only thing I still felt, I thought to myself, was sexual fantasy. But I knew I was in denial. My feelings for him were still strong emotionally, too.
I started off the meeting talking about several instances of bad behavior and acting out on Kylie’s behalf. About half way into the meeting, the principal decided to join in. She didn’t speak at that point, but merely introduced herself.
This intervention by her wasn’t exactly welcomed on my behalf. It only made me feel inept, but I tried to pretend we were making real progress.
I continued on, addressing the situation regarding Kylie’s behavior, citing all the issues I’d seen, including the violent outbursts and the laments about being motherless. Marvin began to show real defensive tendencies.
“Maybe since my child is only in the first grade, you might look at the
school’s responsibility, Ms. Olivia,” Marvin said. “It’s the school’s responsibility to ensure her behavior is okay while she’s here. I’m a busy man and can’t do everything. Maybe Kylie doesn’t like you or respond to you well and that’s why she’s acting up. I do not wish to pay thousands of dollars each year for a private education if the school can’t control a little six-year-old. That says tons to me about the lack of training here.”
“Now wait a minute—”
And just as I was about to let him have it, she jumped in, which only made me look even more inept. The principal never jumped in with Black Lung but now – oh now, she couldn’t hold her tongue.
“Mr. Ward, how are things going with Kylie’s mother? I understand that she is currently back in jail but about to get out on probation. Is she staying clean? I was informed that she would once again begin going to rehab, but maybe that is not indeed the case.”
“She’s currently in rehab yet again, but that doesn’t matter,” Marvin said. “No sooner than she gets out will she be doing whatever it takes to get her fix again and will be back in jail or at least completely out of Kylie’s life and neglecting her again. Kylie lives with me in a stable environment, although she does have her difficulties. Sasha has had a hard time with her, despite being a good nanny who works hard to fix the issues. Sasha and I have discussed the fact that maybe that’s not the best plan as of this moment.”
Sasha rolled her eyes and I sensed the source of the leg shaking.
It sounded as if Mavin’s dad had been telling me the truth. Poor Kylie – to be ousted from her home thanks to the fact that her dad was too busy and her rather crazy-seeming nanny had too hard of a time dealing with her.
And I wasn’t saying this just because of my history with Marvin. He was the one who had said himself that it was after discussing things with Sasha that he became unsure about the best place for Kylie.
As the meeting continued, it became abundantly clear to me that Marvin, like his father, was alleging that Candy had a very serious drug addiction and wasn’t ever there for Kylie. Thus, her outburst.
As the story unfolded, I also began to feel a little bad for Marvin as I gained some more understanding for his situation. It didn’t excuse his indictment of me or my skills, so I couldn’t shake the feeling of being mad at him for blaming me, but I at least had a little empathy.
Suddenly, to my surprise, the principal, the same one who could never even suggest that Old Black Lung put his cigarette out, took a hard line with Marvin.
“Look, Mr. Ward, while we love and enjoy little Kylie, things have not improved much from last year,” she said. “We are not a therapeutic facility, as much as we try to meet all the needs of our students. That being said, there are alternative schools Kylie can go to, since she is struggling at this school.”
Marvin started to protest, and I could tell he didn’t like this suggestion at all. His face was red, and his eyes were squinting. But I had already jumped in.
“With all due respect, I’d like a chance to help Kylie.”
Marvin talked over me, looking at the principal.
“I believe it would be too disruptive to both Kylie’s and my own life to change schools. I don’t want her at some ‘alternative’ school where troubled kids go. Are you kidding me? She is six! Ms. Olivia is capable, I am sure. Maybe I overstepped in accusing her of not doing right by my daughter. I would like Kylie to remain with Ms. Olivia and I’m confident she can work it out and fit in at this school.”
I hid the smile threatening to explode on my face. That was Marvin. That was the man I fell for in high school. The charmer, the fixer, the diplomat.
I also enjoyed the satisfaction of knowing he was taking back his mean comments about me. Now he wanted me to help his daughter. Even if it was just because of a choice between me and an alternative school, I counted it as a win.
The principal softened.
“Well then, I will give Kylie one more chance,” she said. “Olivia has told me that Kylie has made some lovely friends such as Sookie and a few others and she is quite talented at art. I would like her to be a success with us.”
And with that, the three of us formulated a plan that could help Kylie, including counseling and more consistency and routine at home. The principal mentioned Sasha and the importance of involving her in the plan since she was the one who spent the most time taking care of Sasha, and making sure she acted as a good role model for Kylie.
Marvin nodded, but looked distracted, and not as if he was incredibly fond of that recommendation. Of course, by then Sasha was outside having a cigarette. My favorite thing. Maybe I could set her up with Old Black Lung.
To be frank, Marvin looked uncomfortable even at the mention of her and I wondered what was up between the two of them. Obviously, he was not with Candy.
But was he with this woman? Would he really be into a gold digger like that? If so, he had changed even more than I would have thought.
Still, as he inched closer to me, I could smell his familiar manly scent. He was sexy. I hated him still, but I wanted him just as much if not more than I always had. Damn it.
* * *
Later that evening, I called Roxanne to tell her what happened. Roxanne didn’t play it safe to spare my feelings.
“Maybe you are too personally involved,” she said.
I had to admit that she did have a point. The principal didn’t know my full history with Marvin or she probably wouldn’t have approved the plan.
I hoped I wasn’t putting my job at stake for my ex. Still, I reminded myself, I was doing this for Kylie, not for Marvin.
“Listen, it wouldn’t be so strange to admit,” Roxanne continued. “It’s hard to separate feelings. It’s called a conflict, right? In law, we check conflicts, to weed them out, because they’re bad news. Sweets, maybe this is a conflict and you are not solely looking out for Kylie. You don’t want to get confused.”
Even as I was shocked to hear this assessment, I didn’t fight her.
“Maybe the principal’s right and Kylie should go to another school,” she pressed.
Then I let it get to me.
“What? Roxie, I am going to let you go, girlie. It’s been a super long day and I don’t feel like I can discuss this anymore with you without getting upset.”
“Okay babe, I love you. You know I always keep it real.”
“I know. I love you too.”
I hung up and sat for a good long time and thought about what she had said, while inhaling slowly to calm myself and center my thoughts. Maybe she was right.
I decided that if at any point I could not remain neutral, I would recommend a transfer. Kylie had to remain the focus. After all, this was about her.
With that, I poured myself a glass of wine and thought about Sasha.
Was he with her?
I thought about it. Sure, I understood that his ego had always been larger than the state of Wisconsin. However, even that ostentatious Marvin, that I’m the man guy, didn’t go for the likes of a Sasha.
He had always liked the girl next door, the good girl.
The gold digger? That was who he was with?
It didn’t make sense. Then again, none of this did.
Apparently, I was still secretly pining for a man for whom I have had lingering unresolved vitriol for years. That seemed to make the least amount of sense of all. It wasn’t what I wanted but it seemed to be how I felt, no matter what.
Chapter 17
Marvin
The drinking hole was crowded and on some days, I couldn’t stand the attention from groupies – it was an old standby Finnegan’s on the Green. I never understood the “on the green” part of its name since that implied golf and there was not one iota of gold memorabilia at this Irish hole in the wall.
But I never asked about it. I assumed it was something St. Patrick’s Day related but again, it still made no sense to me and I would feel like a dumbass asking questions.
I’d been coming to
this dump for years. In recent months though, I’d backed off a bit, since Kylie needed more help now and any free time I had, I tried to spend with her. But today I needed a drink and I needed to see my old pal, Greg LaValle.
My old buddy Greg had phoned me that he’d be in town on a business trip for a day and asked if I would meet him for drinks. He worked out of Boston and would often come for a day or two.
But the last three times he had called, I missed him due to having a game or for one reason or another. He and I went way back, all the way back to middle school. He was my good friend and I couldn’t have asked for better.
Greg was the guy that made every accomplishment I achieved in high school look like small potatoes. He was team captain in a lot of different sports – of course football was mine – but he played that too and he also dominated in Cross Country, Swimming, Soccer and Basketball. I was never sure how he managed all that responsibility, but he did.
He was a good-looking dude, kind of home-spun, and he used to be a ladies’ man, but he eventually settled down. He married well, too. Unlike my choices in women after Olivia and me didn’t work out, Greg had it figured out.
He had chosen the heiress to a huge make up chain out of Chicago. A Grace Kelly type – she was and still is stunning. They went on to have two beautiful children and at least from the looks of it, he couldn’t be happier.
It figures – back then he was also that guy. He was a positive force and a real charmer but not in a Don Juan kind of way – I had that down. More than that though, in my life, he was the fixer.
Even though I had charm and looks, I bulldozed my way through school, pissing off every girl I met. I think I was mad – not sure at whom, my mother maybe, my dad mostly – but I deliberately hurt every girl I dated, other than Olivia.