by Shayne Ford
She pauses for a moment, and then she speaks again.
“By showing her the lyrics, I sort of put the thought in her head that maybe she meant something to you.”
“What?”
My voice whips, harsh.
“Please don’t get angry.”
I lower my voice.
“I’m sorry... I’m not angry. What do you mean ‘maybe she meant something’ to me? Why would she believe otherwise?”
She places her hand on top of mine.
“You don’t know much about her, River, and if she stayed true to who she is, she probably didn’t tell you much about her life either. It’s not so much about what you did. It’s about how she is.”
“What do you mean?”
She tips her head to the side, examining me briefly.
“Like me, she doesn’t have any family left. At least, I grew up with my parents until I lost them in a car accident a few years back, but she never knew her father. That was her mother’s choice. She didn’t want to tell Layla who he was, and we’ve always suspected he didn’t know he had a daughter either. Her mom didn’t want to divulge his name, so she was Layla’s sole caretaker when she was a little girl. The problem was, her mom has never fully embraced the idea of motherhood. She offered Layla a roof above her head and food on the table, but nothing else. She wasn’t emotionally available. She didn’t verbally or physically abuse her, but there are other ways to make a mess of someone’s life. She eventually left Layla in a neighbor's care, an old woman, Victoria. She had passed away a few years ago. Other than my family and Victoria, Layla never had anyone else in her life. Close to her eighteen birthday, her mom took off with one of her men, and Layla never heard from her again. Up to that point, Layla had never had a man in her life, and then, a few months later, she had her first relationship. I’m not saying he was a bad man, but he was young and inexperienced. He broke her heart, more than once. He cheated on her, abandoned her, and then came back to her. She cut him loose eventually, but that was her first real life experience with a man... until she met you. She didn’t mean much to a lot of people, and when she finally meant something, she couldn’t tell the difference. Or perhaps she did, but she had no idea how to deal with the emotions that overwhelmed her––good and bad. That’s why you lost her, and that’s why she lost you. ”
I look at her, dumbstruck. Speaking softly, she continues.
“She’s lonelier than most people I know. She never goes out. She doesn’t do any of the things that twenty-year-olds do. She kept the contact with other people at a minimum. And for the most part, she stayed away from men for good. She didn’t want to get close to anyone. She was afraid she’d get hurt. And now you know why.”
She pulls her hand back and glances out the window. A faint smile glints across her lips.
“She fought the hardest when I asked her to fill in for me that night, and come to your show to take those pictures as if she has fought her destiny.”
She swings her gaze back at me.
“I didn’t know about you and her until it was over. I can only imagine the kind of courage it took her to come so close to you, especially you... And trust me, she wouldn’t have done it had she not worshiped the ground you walked on.”
Tears stream down her face. I stare at her, broken.
“And I think she did. I think she loved you more than herself.”
A small smile shines like a ray of light across her face.
“I don’t know why she ran away from you, why she couldn’t talk to you. Maybe she was terrified or maybe she got blindsided and got lost in the maze of your life. Perhaps she lost track of herself and you. Whatever it was, it wasn’t because she didn’t love you.”
“Nora?”
Ron’s voice rings out behind me. Filled with disbelief.
I shoot my gaze up and meet his eyes. Surprise rolls over his face. And angst. He shifts his gaze and locks her eyes.
“What are you doing here? I didn’t know you’re in LA,” he says, tense, his eyes darting back and forth.
She looks up at him, cold and emotionless, and that’s my cue. I push up to my feet and motion to Ron to take my seat, and then I slip outside.
If you read this, you’re still alive and chances are we’ve never spoken again after the night I turned your heart and mine into a pile of ashes.
I owe you a story, Layla...
The story of us.
I’ve never feared anything or anyone until I met you, and then I feared everything that had to do with you. I knew you filtered life through a broken heart, and I knew you’d have a hard time to come close to me. I feared you wouldn’t give me your heart, and even if you did, I knew there was a chance you’d run away and leave me broken.
The most, I dreaded the moment I’d be begging for your life. And that moment came. Still, I never thought I’d see you crashing in front of my eyes... I never thought I’d hold you, broken in my arms. You nearly lost your life that night, and I lost my heart.
I promised to catch you if you fall. Instead, I made you fall.
I knew you were different. I wasn’t blind. I’m not a fool. I knew I could hurt you. That’s why I was torn and fought the idea for the longest time.
I wish I could turn back time, have more strength, and resist you. It could’ve saved you... It would’ve saved me.
From the moment I laid my eyes on you, I looked at you the way you looked at me. With an open heart. You thought you could hide, yet to me, you were brighter than a bonfire on a summer night.
That first night at the concert, I saw a glimpse of your heart in your eyes. That’s why I brought you back.
Again, and again.
I told you I’m a one woman’s man, and that’s the truth. I was waiting for you long before I met you, and I was ready to burn for you too. I was yours from the moment I held you in my arms, and long after you ran away.
My heart was always yours. And still, is.
You could’ve asked me anything, yet you didn’t. You wanted to believe I’m a bad man so you could pull away from me, avoid getting lost in me.
It didn’t work, did it?
I never got anyone pregnant. Love, the woman whose messages you read on my phone, is my half-sister. No one knows about her. Not even the people close to me. I helped her to leave an abusive husband behind and make a new life for herself. Her baby is my niece.
I didn’t cheat. You didn’t know much about me, and then again you never asked. It wasn’t my place to teach you how to trust. Trust is something you learn on your own and is never pain-free. I know, because I’ve trusted you.
The night you ran away, you shattered me to pieces. You left when I feared the least, and it made it so much worse. It didn’t make sense to me. Then I thought, it must have been more than a misunderstanding, more than distrust for me. It had to be more. How else could I explain you tore away from me and never looked back? How else could I explain you cut me out of your life while I was struggling with mine?
I knew it wasn’t easy to love me, and I knew you fought your fears. That’s why I forced myself to accept your choice and respect it, although I never understood it.
When you came back, I wasn’t the same man.
I was dying a slow death since that New Year’s Eve. There was no love left in me. Only hate and madness. The night you came back I wanted you to give you a taste of my hell, the one I’ve been living in since you left. I wanted you to feel my pain. The words were meant to hurt you. I never thought they’d kill you. You came back full of love. I had the eyes to see it, but not the heart to feel it. I’m so sorry, baby. I wish we had never met in that room. I wish I could turn back time and carve that darkness out of our lives.
As I’m watching you this morning, lying in the hospital bed, I realize our time together has come to an end.
I’ll keep the memory of you with me forever, knowing there’s no turning back. I hope you’ll get well and find your heart, and meet someone who deserves your love, someone
who can love you back.
I wish it would’ve been me.
I’ve never loved anyone so deeply and completely as I love you.
I’ve never been so enslaved to pain and desperation, pleasure and joy, as I was with you.
I wish I would’ve known a way to make you mine.
Till the end.
Love,
River
I put the pen down, fold the piece of paper and slide it into Layla’s phone case along with her dog tag as Steve enters the room.
“You can go home... You should get some sleep. I’ll watch her now,” he says.
“I’m fine. I’ll take a shower, and I’ll return in an hour or so.”
He takes my seat at Layla’s bedside as I quietly walk away.
Driving back home seems surreal. In so little time, so many things have happened, changing everything.
It turns out, you never know when you hit the invisible switch button and push through a time door into a different life.
How changed my life is from a week ago, even from twenty-four hours ago.
I walk into my house, feeling as if I enter a stranger’s home. Minutes later I emerge from the shower, put on some clothes, check my messages and head back.
They moved Layla into a private room. Nora sits by her side as Steve and I stand outside watching her through a wall of glass.
He gives me the latest updates as I have my eyes rooted to her. Her prognostic is good, he says. I listen to him, silent.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
I glance at him.
“Yeah, yeah...”
“She’s going to be fine.”
“Her body is gonna be okay,” I mutter.
“Time will heal everything else.”
“Maybe.”
My eyes train on Layla as Nora bends over her. I register a slow movement of the cover. Layla moves her fingers, and then Nora starts to talk to her.
My heart thuds in my chest.
Seconds feel like days as I’m waiting for her reaction, and then the silence shatters, and Nora’s call for help rolls on top of Layla’s scream.
“Nurse!! Can someone help me, please?”
I force myself not to move. I can’t be anywhere close to her. The nurse rushes in, and all I see is Layla writhing and Nora’s arms around her, trying to calm her down as she gets a shot. Within moments, she slips back to sleep.
Bracing my elbow against the glass, and propping my brow on my forearm, I stare at her.
She just walked up. To the harsh reality.
Silence fills the room again, and Nora glances at me. I motion to her. She walks out as Steve enters the room and trades places with her.
“I need to talk to you,” I say.
We head to a private area. I turn and face her, and she examines me, her eyes filled with concern.
“Listen... I’ll go, now,” I say.
Her eyes dart back and forth, filled with tears.
“Why?” she asks softly, and a bitter smile brushes my lips.
“I have to. The sooner she forgets about me and us, the better she’ll be. I have to stay out of her life. That’s the only way she will recover...”
She wants to say something. I set my hands on her shoulders.
“I know it, and you know it. You call me if she needs anything. I’ll take care of the hospital bills, counseling, whatever else she needs. All right?” She nods. “ Please keep this between you and me. I don’t want her to know. I don’t want to confuse her. It will only make things worse. I want her to get well, more than anything else. Promise?”
“Yes.”
“Here is my private phone number. You call me with any kind of problem she may have. It goes without saying, I don’t want Ron part of all this.”
“Okay.”
“This is Layla’s phone.”
I place the phone in her hand. It feels as if I hand her a dead person’s belongings. She looks down and then back up at me, her eyes swimming with tears.
“You take good care of her. All right?”
She nods, her tears trickling down her face.
I hug her and then pull back, my hands still resting on her shoulders.
I search her eyes for a moment as she looks at me, waiting.
“Also, there’s something else... About you and Ron. It’s really not my business, but I owe you this. You do whatever you think it’s best, but if you really want to have a life with Ron, you have to put your foot down. It will not work otherwise. If you don’t do it, you’re better off moving on with your life. ”
She nods again, and wipes her tears, pushing back a soft sob.
“I’m sorry, Nora... For everything that happened.”
I lean in and kiss her on her cheek.
“Take care of you and her. We’ll talk.”
She gives me a hug, turns around and walks away.
I pull in my driveway. A car I don’t recognize is parked in front of my house. I turn off the engine and jump out. A dark-haired woman sits on the stairs, her eyes on her phone.
“Hey, Cassie.”
“Hi!”
She pushes up to her feet. Shielding her eyes with her hand, she narrows her eyes at me. I open the door to the house and invite her in.
“I can’t stay.”
I pivot to her.
“Okay. What happened?”
She looks up at me.
“I heard about Layla. I’m sorry,” she says, genuine concern flashing in her eyes. “Is she going to be okay?”
“She’ll be fine.”
“I’m happy to hear that.”
Her gaze dips for a moment as she starts to fidget, struggling to find her words.
“I’m leaving,” she finally says.
“Where?”
“Colorado.”
I search her eyes, and she looks down again.
“Is everything okay?”
“I broke up with Thalia,” she says, her voice trembling a little, and then she pauses.
“I’m sorry. Is that why you leave?”
“It’s part of the reason.”
A nostalgic smile flutters across her lips.
“Are you going to be okay?”
“Yes,” she says, resolute this time.
“Okay, then. I guess that’s our goodbye,” I say, giving her a warm smile.
She wraps her arms around me while I pull her into my chest. A moment later we break our embrace. She studies me as if she wants to say.
“Is there anything else?”
Blushing, she lowers her eyes.
“I just want to thank you.”
I smile.
“For what?”
Her eyes shift back to me.
“For everything.”
For a moment, I stare at the sunlight that drips into her eyes, making them sparkle like two pots of gold, then I cup the back of her hair, lean in and kiss her lips gently, lingering long enough to feel her emotion.
I pull back.
She’s as soft and sweet as the first time I kissed her.
“Find a good man, Cassie... All right?”
She nods, her eyes lighting up with a smile.
“I will.”
Eyes filled with tears, she tears away. She waves me goodbye one last time before she hops in the car, backs out of the driveway, and disappears down the road.
I enter the house, toss the car keys on the kitchen counter, grab my phone and call Thalia. She answers right away as if she was waiting for my call.
She doesn’t sound like herself.
“I meant to call you. I’m sorry about Layla. Is there anything you want me to do?” she says, rushed and nervous.
I take a deep breath.
“River?”
“Listen...” I say, and pause.
“Yes?” she mutters with a strangled voice.
“I’m sorry. Thalia. This is not working anymore… You’ll get paid through the end of the year. You have six months to make whatever change suits you best. I’ll
get someone to replace you as soon as possible.”
She doesn’t say anything, and the silence thickens between us.
“I understand.”
“I’m sorry, Thalia.”
“Me too,” she says after a moment, her voice on the cusp of tears.
Without another word, I end the call, and sigh, relieved.
I walk to the window and look outside. The sun dips toward the horizon. The sky reminds of Layla, her love of pictures, the afternoon we met here in my house, and her nervous smile.
My memory sifts through those moments, highlighting the most beautiful that we’ve shared.
I make one last call.
“Hi, Ashley. How are things going with your rescue group?”
“Good. I may have another campaign soon if you’re still available...”
“Of course. Just tell me when. Listen, has Karma been adopted?”
“No. She’s still with her foster family. Why? Is anyone interested?”
“Yeah. I am. How soon can I pick her up?”
16
SIX MONTHS LATER
Life nudges us to a path or another, gives us clues, a whisper here and there, sometimes a shout, sometimes a brick smacking us right in the head.
I made my choices along the way, some good, some bad. Regardless, in the end, everything spun out of control. The little things I had ignored, eventually added up, and one day stirred up a hurricane that swept everything away.
The truth is, when you think you know, you have no fucking idea. I thought I knew Layla, but I never knew much about her life. I didn’t have much perspective.
Had I truly known her, I would’ve understood many things about her before it was too late.
The door cracks open, the howling wind pushing flurries inside.
I flick my eyes up.
“Karma!” Steve thunders, his voice ripping into the silence.
“Let her in,” I say.
“She’s covered with snow,” Steve says, kicking off his boots.
“It’s okay.”
Karma shakes her body a few times, shedding the snowflakes off her coat. It’s warm inside, and small puddles of water form on the floor. She runs to me, her tongue hanging out, her eyes brimming with life.