“Jessup, what’s—” He started, shock etched on his face as he took in his friend’s state.
“Davies, we must go. As soon as possible. We should find your brother right away. Let us not delay any longer.” Owen quickly interrupted Davies, his voice hard and determined.
The lieutenant reeled back in his chair for a moment, surprised by the intensity of the request. But he nodded and mumbled his agreement. For once Owen was extremely serious and Davies knew better than to argue.
Owen did not say anything more. He returned to his room and began packing.
He needed to get away from Violet as quickly as possible.
He could not stand to see the heartbreak in her eyes, the heartbreak he had caused.
Chapter 17
Violet stood at the large front facing window in the drawing room. It was the best vantage point to watch the proceedings downstairs without risk of being discovered.
Her heart barely beat as she watched Frank and Owen bow to Lord Neil and kiss Lady Neil’s hand before climbing onto their carriage.
As Owen spurred the horses onto the pathway leading away from Gatherford Park, Violet’s heart sank to depths she had not thought possible, even deeper than it had fallen yesterday.
Tears slipped down her cheeks but she did not brush them away. She needed to feel this. She needed to feel the pain and guilt.
She hadn’t said goodbye to either of them. She knew her heart would shatter if she stood before Owen and saw the pain in his eyes, knowing that he did not truly wish to go.
But she had failed over and over again to encourage him to stay, to truly open herself up to him. But her fear had gotten the better of her one final time and it was too late now. The least Violet could do was admit that she had been a fool to hold herself back and that she had brought this heartache upon herself.
She even felt guilty for not saying goodbye to Frank though she still had not forgiven him for insisting on meeting with and helping their brother. He had come all this way to reconnect with her, after all, and she still appreciated that effort. Violet had grown very fond of him in his time here despite her initial reluctance. She’d often felt that they really were a family again, or at least getting very near it.
But again, it was all too late. Violet’s fear had also kept her from truly accepting her brother again. And in her fear she had declined to see them off, knowing full well that she had no way of knowing when she might see either of them again.
She had begged Lady Neil to tell Frank and Owen that she was extremely busy with something else and could not spare a moment to say goodbye. Violet hated to see the disappointment in her mistress’s eyes when she repeatedly denied the lady’s attempts to talk her out of this decision. And she knew that no matter what excuse Lady Neil gave on her behalf, the men would see through it.
But Violet knew she would hate seeing the despair in Owen’s eyes and the hurt in Frank’s eyes.
Even just watching him leave from the window broke her heart.
As the carriage grew smaller, nearly to the bare tunnel of trees that separated the main estate from the rest of the lands, a tiny movement from the carriage sent Violet’s heart tumbling all over again.
She could have sworn that she saw Owen turn to look back at the house for a moment. But not just at the house. At the upstairs windows.
Something in the profound misery that weighed on her body told Violet that he had indeed been looking for her.
Suddenly unable to hold herself up any longer, Violet allowed her knees to give out and she slid into a chair next to the window. She just needed a few minutes to let her tears flow before she went back to her duties. Still, Violet hoped that no one would come into the room looking for her.
She covered her face with her hands as the full weight of another abandonment settled into her bones. Frank had chosen Charlie over her once more. Owen had chosen to remove himself from her life to protect her and protect himself from the responsibility of hurting her.
Bitterness mingled with heartbreak as Violet came to the cold realization that this was always bound to happen. She was no one important and she never had been. Violet was an afterthought to everyone in her life. She was just a maid, a position she was lucky to have at all. She didn’t deserve a grander, more exciting life like Owen had encouraged. Violet had proved that herself many times over in these past few days and weeks.
As the tears continued to flow and the emotions continued to rip through Violet like a whirlwind, she next wondered if she should have fought harder to keep Owen near her. She should have become even closer to him after their kiss. She should have spoken up yesterday when he’d said he wanted to leave. She should have told him then in no uncertain terms that she wanted him to stay. That she wanted him.
But Violet had always had trouble trusting the strength of her voice. She'd convinced herself that if his mind had been made up, she was powerless to change his opinion. She'd been powerless her whole life, yet when she’d had the chance to use the power she knew she had, she’d let it go to waste. She'd let Owen walk away.
Instead she continued to live her life in hiding.
Yesterday’s events flashed through her memory. He had been cold to her after the fight. He'd said he didn’t need her, that he never had and never would. He may have rescinded the harshness of his statements later, but Violet felt that she was inconsequential to him.
This was the life she had made for herself, the life she had chosen. She was proud of her hard work. But, sitting alone in the drawing room with the image of the carriage carrying Owen and her brother away, Violet knew that she had lost something hugely important in her efforts to maintain the safety she’d fought so hard to cultivate in her life.
Footsteps echoing up and down the hallway outside the drawing room pulled Violet out of her morose thoughts. For a servant like her, emotion needed to be tucked away during working hours. She had already indulged herself to much.
The next best thing for her short of getting Owen and Frank back would be to throw herself into her work with a vigor and determination the likes of which this house had never seen before.
Violet sat up straight, pulled her shoulders back, lifted her chin, and wiped her tears away. She pushed her broken pieces back down into darkness. She had tasks to tend to and duties to fulfill.
She had mustered up her resolve at just the right time. Violet stood from the chair as she heard quick footsteps approach the drawing room.
“Ah, Miss Davies. Lady Neil requests your presence in the library,” the footman stated.
“Does she want me to bring tea? A blanket?” Violet asked, her professional voice sounding foreign to her.
“No, Miss Davies. She just asked for you.”
Violet nodded and smiled her thanks. She dragged herself out of the drawing room, away from the window where she’d last seen Owen. Her body felt as though it were shackled around the ankles with weights.
Once inside the library, Violet spied Lady Neil at the small pianoforte in the far corner of the room. Lord Neil had purchased several new instruments and scattered them throughout the house so she would always be able to practice wherever she was.
Sweet, gentle notes floated into the air as the baroness’s agile fingers pressed into the keys with just the right timing and feeling. Violet had always envied her skill. She had learned a bit of music and practiced on the pianoforte and harp when she was younger, before everything had fallen apart. Whenever she heard her mistress play, she wondered if she might have been proficient if she’d had the opportunity to continue learning.
Violet approached the instrument and Lady Neil stopped playing when she heard Violet’s footsteps drawing near. She curtseyed and smiled when she stood by her mistress’s side. The smile felt painful, like it was wrong to use these muscles that had once felt so right when Owen had still been in her life. It felt like a lie.
“How may I assist you, my lady?”
“Come this way,” Lady Neil instructed, lea
ving the pianoforte behind in favor of a seat by the fire. As the baroness sat, Violet planted herself by the armrest, awaiting further orders.
“Please sit.” Lady Neil waved to the open chair next to her. Violet stared in surprise for a moment. Though Lady Neil always treated Violet with respect, she hadn’t expected her mistress to ask her to have a seat as if they were equals. There was something unusual in the air between them. But Violet lowered herself slowly into the chair. It was still a command, after all.
“It is my turn to ask what I can do for you, Violet,” the baroness said kindly, her blue eyes brimming with concern.
Violet blinked rapidly at Lady Neil’s words, another wave of surprise sweeping over her. She did not feel comfortable with these open displays of worry and sympathy. Especially not when they came from her mistress. She had always known that Lady Neil was exceedingly generous and kind, and she knew by now that such behavior should not shock her. This was the person Lady Neil had always been.
But Violet knew the baroness was under no obligation to care about her and she lived her days expecting the lady’s care and concern to vanish or be ripped away somehow at any moment. It would be easier to deal with should Lady Neil ever find fault with her and bring the comfortable nature of their working relationship to an end or even dismiss her entirely.
In fact, Violet lived all her days expecting to be thrown over and cast aside. It would be easier to deal with should it happen again. At least, she’d thought it would be easier. Now she was not so sure.
Violet put on her fake smile again. “There is nothing I need help with, my lady, though you are very kind to offer.”
Lady Neil sighed, her gaze sad but knowing. “Violet, you know I see you as more than just my lady’s maid. You are a companion, a friend. I know there are certain boundaries between us that others may think we must observe, but I do not care overmuch for such boundaries. I speak to you now as a friend and I wish to know what troubles you as a friend.
“You see, I know you hide your pain because you feel it is not right to share it with me. But I can see it in your eyes. Just as you have become attuned to my needs and wants and emotions over the years, so too have I become attuned to yours. I wish you would stop thinking that I do not care for you or notice you, or that I only care and notice because it is my nature to care for and notice everyone. Or that I will toss you aside if you make the smallest mistake or behave as any human would in these circumstances.
“So please, Violet, share with me your thoughts and concerns and aches, no matter how burdensome you think they may be. Helping a friend is never a burden.”
Fresh tears bubbled up at the corners of Violet’s eyes again. This kindness shocked her though Lady Neil was right—it shouldn’t shock her. But it only shocked Violet because she had trained herself for so long to expect the worst, to expect that she meant nothing to anyone who meant anything to her.
Looking at Lady Neil now and seeing the sincerity in her expression, Violet felt that she could come to accept her mistress as a friend as well. She did not wish to deviate too much from her role, but it comforted her to know that she need not distance herself so much or brace herself for rejection.
In fact, Violet had often felt that she and Lady Neil could have been friends in another life. But she had always kept those feelings at bay, knowing they would be impossible to act upon. But tonight in the library, the two women were friends, regardless of their birth or ranks or pasts.
Violet could keep her emotions contained no longer in the midst of this kindness that she had craved for so many years but had been too afraid to let near. But she let it near now and she allowed herself to fall to pieces before Lady Neil.
Her mistress leaned forward and took one of Violet’s hands in hers, rubbing gentle circles with her thumb. She did not rush Violet, she simply sat with her and whispered words of comfort until Violet’s tears subsided enough to allow her to speak.
“I am in love with the captain, my lady. But no matter how close we got I would not let my final wall down. And I pushed him away after he tried to encourage me to publish. I insisted that my place was here as your maid, that I had no business wasting time trying to write verses worthy of being published.
“And after the debacle in town yesterday he’d said he didn’t need my help. In truth, I don’t think I helped much at all as this bruise on my jaw can tell you. He apologized for it later but I can't help feeling it must be true. I got in his way. I will only hold him back if he chooses to shackle himself to me. He lives a bold, exciting life and I do not.
“And now Frank has abandoned me again for our worthless brother. I thought that I was important to him, important enough for him to track me down and follow me here and give me time to learn to accept him again. But I am not more important than that wretched man who helped ruin my life. I am not important to anyone, save for Your Ladyship and the rest of the Neil family but even then it is only because of the service I provide. At least that is how I always used to think of it.”
The words spilled out of Violet amidst her shallow breaths and cracked voice. She had thought the words many times over but had never expected to say them aloud, especially not to Lady Neil. But now they hung in the air, heavy and pitiful.
“Violet Davies,” said Lady Neil after a moment of silence.
Violet looked up in shock at the sternness in the baroness’s voice. She rarely heard Lady Neil use such a tone, even when the situation would have allowed for it. Violet’s heart stopped as she realized that perhaps she really had spoken too out line.
But Lady Neil’s eyes still showed only concern. She took Violet’s other hand as well and took a deep breath.
“I know your family history is awful. I can’t tell you how shocked I was the first time I heard it from my mother, some years after you’d started working in my family as a scullery maid. You'd just been promoted to housemaid and I thought you seemed like such a pleasant, diligent girl. I told Mama that I might like to have you for my maid once I came out in Society and she told me your tragic story.
“I was so shocked by it because I never would have suspected it when I saw you about the house working or when I requested something of you. You always had a smile on your face and accepted every task with grace. I knew then that you were not just a dedicated worker but a strong, uncommonly kind young woman. I had no idea how you managed to remain so positive and professional given everything you’d gone through but I respected you immensely for it.”
The breath left Violet’s body as she took in Lady Neil’s words. She had never dared to hope to hear such words from her mistress. But hearing them now, Violet’s damaged soul felt a little soothed. In fact, it felt wonderful to know that she was so appreciated and even respected by such an exemplary lady as her mistress.
“As awful as your past is,” Lady Neil continued, “and as much as I wish it had never happened to you, it made you stronger and kinder. I know you fear that your chance to have a happy family has long passed. But not all families are horrible. They do not need to follow the same pattern.
“You know better than almost anyone that my family is far from perfect. But I plan to learn from their mistakes with the family I’ve created and you can do the same. Not every man will become like your father and brothers.
“And I suspected that Captain Jessup cares for you very, very deeply and that is why he has left in such a hurry. I could not convince him to stay at Gatherford Park no matter how hard I tried, because he felt that he had put you in too much danger.
“Sometimes...the people who care about us most do things that they think will make us happier and keep us safer in the long run, not realizing that it will do the exact opposite. You may remember a similar situation I was in with Lord Neil before we married. And I am living proof that such fears can be overcome.
“The captain worries that his career in the army will cause you to suffer or that you will end up hurt in some way if he remains near you like you did yesterday. Such occ
urrences are so rare but to the mind of someone riddled with fear, all they can see are the million ways something can go wrong instead of the million more ways it could go right.”
Lady Neil paused and allowed Violet time to digest her words. Of course she remembered the courtship between her mistress and her new master. She had seen the pain it caused Lady Neil for weeks. But just when everyone had thought hope was lost for the two of them, they managed to overcome their obstacles and now they were very happily married with a precious infant son.
Perhaps Lady Neil had felt just the same as Violet now felt. Perhaps that meant Violet could correct their course somehow.
But she could not be completely satisfied with Lady Neil’s words. Not yet.
“But my lady, if I should marry—” Violet started, but the baroness held up a hand to silence her and she immediately snapped her mouth shut. Lady Neil smiled understandingly. She seemed to already know what Violet would say.
“If you should marry, and I certainly hope you do, I want you to remember that my greatest wish is for you to be happy. Henry and I both adore you and we agree that you should pursue the path that makes you happiest—and the same goes for the rest of our staff. Of course we want you all to enjoy your time here, but we understand that circumstances and desires change.
“Should you leave the family at some point, for one reason or another, we will find a way to get along without you. It certainly won’t be the same and we would miss you dearly, but you shall not use us as an excuse to avoid your true happiness, wherever it takes you. And that is an order,” Lady Neil chuckled as she saw Violet open her mouth to protest.
Violet sighed and sank back into her chair. She contemplated her mistress’s words with a strange, dizzying mixture of anxiety and hope. But her heart swelled when she realized that the pain and regret she saw in Owen’s eyes confirmed what Lady Neil had said. He did care for her deeply, so deeply that he was willing to sacrifice his own happiness to do what he thought would be best for her.
Healing the Captain's Heart: A Clean Regency Romance (Resolved In Love Book 2) Page 20