“I know you blame yourself or feel guilt or fuck knows for what happened to us, but, brother, there’s nothing you could have done.”
My eyes slid to Hunter’s forearms, pitted with scars from cigarette burns. He had a lot of scars from that time. A hell of a lot more than me.
My throat grew tight. “You and Mom got the worst of it, and I should have—”
“There was nothing you could’ve done,” Hunter said.
My fingers curled into a tight fist. “I should have fought harder, I should have—”
“Fucking stop it, Van. I know what it is to feel that kind of guilt. I felt that way after I found out what happened to Lulu. That shit nearly fucking ate me alive. I hated myself for not being there to protect her.”
“There was nothing you could have done,” I said.
“You’re right.” Hunter fisted his beer tighter. “That doesn’t change the way I feel. That I let her down. But I know that’s my head messing with me. It’s not truth. You feel that about Mom and me. But, Van, you were a kid. You were being abused as well. You need to get it into your head that there was nothing, not one thing, you could have done.”
My gut knotted, twisted so tight I felt ill.
Hunter shook his head. “You think you don’t deserve happiness, and because of that, you’ll let it walk away. You’ll let her walk away.”
“You don’t understand,” I bit out.
“I understand, more than most. Brother, you have two choices. You can let the anger that you’re carrying around inside you win, or you can fight it. I’d carried that same anger and hate inside me for so damn long. And then I got Lulu back, and Josh, and they showed me what it was to truly be loved. They gave me a reason to fight.”
Everything he was saying felt like a gut punch.
“I don’t know if your reason is London, but you need to find it, and when you do, you need to hold the fuck on before that anger drowns you.”
Raul slid into the seat beside Hunter and gave me a hard stare. “Hunt’s right. You’ve been hiding behind that armor of yours since you were a kid. You need to let someone in. Don’t end up like me, son. Fay and I lost a lot of time wallowing in our own guilt, when we could have been together. Find your reason to fight.”
I dipped my chin, because I knew they both meant well. But there was nothing they could do to help me.
Because my reason to fight was out of reach.
And there was not one thing I could do to get her back.
* * *
Over the next week, sensing my increasing restlessness and knowing me well, Hunter put me to work, one job after another. Today he sent me to hunt down and bring in a guy who’d skipped out on his court appearance. I found him fairly quickly. He was holed up at his girlfriend’s place. It was amazing how many skips did this. Then it was just a matter of sitting and waiting for him to poke his head out. In this case, I didn’t have long to wait.
The guy fruitlessly struggled against my hold, cursing me out as I dragged him into the station. I ignored him and handed him off to an officer. I was filling out the paperwork when Daniels appeared at my side.
“How is she?” he said, getting straight to the point. Seemed I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t stop thinking about London.
It wasn’t an unreasonable question, not in the least. But I didn’t want to discuss London with Connor. I also didn’t want him to know I hadn’t seen her in just over a week—175 long hours. I glanced up at the clock. Well, 188 now, to be precise. Yes, I’d worked that shit out lying in bed at two this morning because obviously I’d lost my fucking mind over this woman.
I gritted my teeth. “When I last saw her, she was doing fine.”
Daniels stilled. “And when did you last see her?”
Asshole. “A week ago. Not that it’s any of your damned business,” I said grudgingly, not looking up from what I was doing.
Daniels barked out a humorless laugh. “You’ve thrown her aside already? Even I wouldn’t’ve lost that bet.”
I lifted my head to find Connor trying to stare me down, looking pissed.
He wasn’t the only one.
“How could you treat her that way after all she’s been through?” he gritted out. “Don’t get me wrong, this is good news for me, ’cause I sure as fuck won’t be letting her go once she’s mine.” He pointed a finger at me, and if we hadn’t been in the station and surrounded by about ten cops we’d have had a serious problem. “If you can’t see what you’ve lost then you never deserved her in the first place,” he bit out, eyes flashing.
“I know exactly what I lost. And again, not that it’s any of your fucking business, but I’m telling you because we have history and also for London’s sake. I didn’t throw her aside; she ended it. I remind her of the shit she’s been through, and going by that logic, you, my friend, would be about as welcome in her life as me.”
I handed him the paperwork I’d finished and walked out before I fucking laid him out.
I couldn’t go to her, not without hurting her now that I knew how she felt, but I still found myself parked outside her store thirty minutes later. I was in Hunter’s SUV. The windows were tinted. I could see her, but she couldn’t see me. I watched her move around inside. She was safe. I had to keep reminding myself of that fact when all I wanted to do was go in there, throw her over my shoulder, and take her home with me.
This is for the best.
She’s better off without you.
I knew that was true. She’d had enough fucked up in her life without adding me and my shit to the mix. What London deserved now was the peace she so desperately wanted. She needed to be with someone gentle, kind.
The thought of her being with anyone else was too much to contemplate.
But then it wasn’t up to me.
Despite everything, I picked up my phone before I knew what I was doing and hit her number. I just wanted to hear her voice. Needed it. I watched through the store window as she rushed to the counter and picked up her own phone.
She bit her lip when she looked down at the screen.
Come on, baby. Answer it.
It rang several more times and a boulder formed in my gut, punching through my chest when she ended the call instead of answering it.
I gripped the steering wheel. Yeah, fuck, that stung. I got it, though. I understood it. Didn’t mean I hated this situation any less.
Starting the car, I forced myself to drive away. Still, I couldn’t face going home, and thirty minutes later I was parked outside Zeke and Sunny’s warehouse. Zeke and I had enlisted together, had become SEALs, had served together. Zeke had stayed in longer than me and it had affected the ex-sniper in ways even I hadn’t realized. For a while after he got home, I thought we’d lose him. That Zeke would choose to end the pain I knew he was fighting.
Then he met his woman, Sunny.
I shoved the door open and got out. The warehouse door opened as I approached. Zeke stood there, Hope, his baby girl, in one arm and a fresh beer in his other. He held it out for me, and I took it. Zeke knew why I was there, I didn’t need to spell it out. And he knew I had no intention of talking about it. That was one of my favorite things about him.
I glanced around as we walked in. There was music playing, some kind of kids’ song.
“Sunny not here?”
“She’s at dance class,” Zeke said and grinned.
I didn’t blame him. Jude’s woman, Willa, and Tomas’s woman, Steph, who had both worked as dancers at Raul’s club, Stilettos, were teaching Sunny, Lulu, and Ruby to dance—a fitness thing apparently, but the other guys had been benefiting from the classes big time.
“Hope and I were doing some dancing of our own, weren’t we, angel?” he said to his daughter. She started giggling then rubbed her eyes. “But it’s time for Hope’s nap or Mommy will kill Daddy with a blunt object.”
At times like this, I still struggled to hide my shock over the change in Zeke. The difference in him since he met Sunny was a s
ight to behold. He flicked off the music and put on a game. We sat, Zeke still with Hope on his lap but clutching a stuffed giraffe. He pulled a fuzzy blanket up around her and sat back. Hope started drifting off almost instantly.
We sat in silence for twenty minutes just watching the TV while I nursed my beer. Zeke left to put Hope to bed and grabbed us both another drink before he sat back down.
“Talk,” he said, handing me one.
I took it. “What?”
He scowled. “You think I’m gonna let you sit here and brood instead of talking it out?”
“Talk it out?” I said in disbelief.
Zeke shrugged. “Get over it. I say shit like that now. You have met Sunny, right?”
I grinned despite myself.
“I think I remember a time or two you told me to get my head out of my ass,” Zeke said. “Talking helps. I know this for a fact. Bottled my shit up for way too long.” He surprised me by grinning as well. “Now it’s my turn to give you the same advice. You keep that big head of yours up there any longer, you’ll fucking suffocate.” He held my gaze. “Talk.”
“London ended it,” I said. “Being around me keeps the shit she’s been through front and center.”
“What are you gonna to do about it?” he said.
“Nothing to be done.”
“You sure about that?”
I nodded.
Zeke sat back. “Sorry to hear that, brother.”
We sat in silence again after that, watched the game, ate some chips, had another beer.
Between him and Hunter, I was all talked out.
But I guessed, as far as talks went, it could have been worse.
* * *
London
I was flushed, not from embarrassment for once but from exertion. When Lulu called and asked me if I wanted to join them for some exercise, this wasn’t what I’d had in mind.
I’d almost made an excuse so I didn’t have to come. The old London would have. I was glad I didn’t let my fear and anxiety about coming stop me.
I kind of loved it.
We were in the gym at Steph and Tomas’s beautiful brownstone. She stood in front of us and ran through her routine again, and by the third time we pretty much had it. The fact she was seven and a half months’ pregnant didn’t seem to hold her back in the least. With the final move, we all collapsed on the ground and started laughing.
Lulu reached out and took my hand, smiling over at me. “I’m so glad you made it, London.”
I smiled back. “Me, too.”
I’d been surprised by her call, and maybe it was weird for me to be friends with these women now that it was over between Van and me, but I really wanted to. I’d told her as much on the phone, which hadn’t been easy for me, but she’d assured me it was ladies only and they really wanted me to come.
Ruby sprang to her feet, Willa behind her, both looking like they’d barely broken a sweat, while the rest of us sweated and panted from our prone positions on the floor. “Have you told London about ladies’ night next week?” Ruby asked.
Lulu grinned. “I was just about to.”
“It’s just a few quiet drinks, good food, good music, a laugh,” Sunny said.
“We’d love for you to come,” Steph added, joining us. “My last big night before this little one arrives.” Her hand went to her belly. “Tomas will be out, so no guys.” Her smile had softened.
Lulu had obviously filled them in as well, and I was grateful for it. I thought about the call I’d gotten from Van today. He hadn’t left a message. I’d wanted to answer so badly, but I couldn’t bring myself to. The thought of talking to him and pretending I didn’t miss him, that I didn’t want to be with him, was something I couldn’t pull off, not yet. I wasn’t sure I ever could.
“What do you say?” Lulu asked.
Today had been nerve-racking, but I’d forced myself to do it, and once I got there, I’d loved every moment. I liked these women so much. A girls’ night sounded perfect.
“I’d love to,” I said.
15
London
Steph and Tomas’s home was beautiful and big.
I’d been here before of course, for our dance classes. But we’d never had time for the full tour. Stephanie had shown us around the gorgeous brownstone when I’d arrived. I’d never been in a house like it. We spent a lot of time in the nursery that was nearly finished, admiring all the beautiful things she and Tomas had bought. It was absolutely gorgeous. All the rooms were.
I noticed there were a lot of pictures of Steph scattered around the house. Willa noticed as well.
Stephanie caught her looking at one and she blushed. “I’m honestly not that conceited.” She glanced at the one in the hall. “It’s Tomas. He…ah, doesn’t like when we’re apart so…” She waved us into the next room, not finishing. Not needing to.
He couldn’t bear to be apart from her, not even for a minute.
Like every day for the last two weeks, Van had invaded my mind and settled in. I’d hoped some distance would make it easier, that things would go back to the way they were. Well, not exactly like they’d been before. I wasn’t in love with an ideal, a fantasy, anymore. I was in love with the real thing. The sexy, protective, at times bossy man himself. Now I knew exactly how amazing it was to be with him.
I’d stupidly thought having that time with him would make it easier to move on, that I would be satisfied with the memories. I’d been wrong. Totally and completely.
Having a man like Van touch you, kiss you, make love to you, make you feel like the most precious thing in his world—no memory could sustain or satisfy you after that.
The memory of his strong arms around me at night didn’t keep me warm, didn’t make me feel safe and cared for.
I missed the way his eyes would dance with humor when he was about to tease me, the way he’d tuck my hair behind my ear—the way he looked at me like I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever laid eyes on.
No, nothing beat the reality of him.
And I missed him. All of him. Everything.
But there was nothing to be done about it.
I was still trying to get him out of my head a couple of hours later. I finished my drink and glanced around the room. We were set up in what looked like a formal dining room, only Steph had pushed back the table so it was against the wall and it was covered in food and drinks. There was a big rug to one side, and a seating area where chairs and an elegant-looking couch were set up.
There was also a mini disco ball.
“Orgasm?” Ruby called over the music that Willa had just turned up. Ruby was holding up a shot glass.
This was my third shot, in between various other cocktails, and I was feeling…good. Really good. “Sure.” I took it from Ruby and we grinned at each other before downing them at the same time.
“I love this song!” Sunny said and grabbed both mine and Ruby’s hands, pulling us into the middle of the floor.
Lulu and Willa were already dancing. Steph as well, looking cute in a pink top that hugged her baby bump—well, it was a lot more than a bump at this point. Willa and Lulu both had sitters since the guys were working, which meant everyone was in the mood to cut loose.
The next two hours passed in a blur of dancing and laughing so hard my sides hurt. Several shots later, the exotic dance moves became the focus of the dance floor. I was extremely tipsy and felt more than confident to join in even though I’d only had three sessions with these girls, two of whom had at one time danced professionally at Raul’s strip club.
Steph had a pole set up in the middle of the room, the kind that wasn’t permanent and you could move to whatever room you wanted. This one usually lived in their gym. I shimmied over to it when Willa finished.
Lulu whooped. “Go, London!”
Ruby pulled a couple of bills from her back pocket and waved them around. “Dance, baby, and I’ll make it rain!”
We all burst out laughing.
I grabbed the pole
, still giggling, and started doing the moves Steph and Willa had taught us. I was bent back, doing a good imitation of dry-humping the pole, getting into it more and more thanks to the hoots and cheers of my new friends, when I spun toward the door. It was open and a group of very large guys were standing there, watching.
I was mid swing and couldn’t stop. As I swung by, I caught sight of Sunny’s husband, Zeke, and Lulu’s husband, Hunter. My second pass I saw some faces I didn’t recognize flash into view, and standing beside them was—Van. I slammed on the brakes so hard I almost propelled myself across the room. If it wasn’t for Ruby grabbing the back of my shirt, I would have.
Then they were surrounding us, greeting their significant others. Grinning, all of them.
Except Van.
He was most definitely not grinning.
Lulu touched my arm, and I tore my eyes from him. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “I had no idea they’d show up.”
Ruby had planted her hands on Neco’s back. “Out. This is girls only.”
She was kicking them out for my benefit, and I didn’t want that. I knew Tomas had been away for a night on business and he had Steph wrapped in his arms, saying something in her ear. I wasn’t going to be the sad sack that ruined everyone’s fun.
I touched Ruby’s arm, and when she looked back at me, I mouthed, “I’m fine.”
She mouthed back, “Are you sure?”
I nodded.
I’d stay another half hour then quietly excuse myself, feign tiredness or something. Tomas and Steph started moving, slow dancing. Lulu and Hunter did the same, Zeke and Sunny, too. Ruby was dancing around Neco like he was a stripper pole, and he was grinning like he’d just won the lottery.
Willa grabbed my hand and poured some more cocktails. She handed a glass to me and another to Jude, her hulking fiancé.
The big man sniffed it and screwed up his face. “What the fuck is this?”
“Bend Over Shirley,” she said with a grin.
His brows shot up. “Did you just call me Shirley?”
Willa howled with laughter, and at the look on Jude’s face, I couldn’t help but join in. When Willa pulled herself together, she explained it was the name of the drink. Jude sipped it, screwed up his face again, and handed it to Van, who had just walked up behind him.
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