My eyes glazed over with all the legal talk, so I focused on Mike’s dimples. The things I’d do for those dimples! I came up with names for them. The one on the left cheek was “Hi,” as in “Hi, I’m so hot!” The one on the right cheek was “Hello,” as in “Hello, I’m so damn hot!” Hi and Hello told me as I looked at them that they wanted me to pinch them gently, and I responded, in the silence of my thoughts, of course, “With pleasure, darlings. When works best for you?”
Antonia knocked on the door, and she entered the room with another plate of rabbit in a mustard sauce for Anton. She apologized that the first one had been cold and said it would never happen again. She also apologized for not serving the dish with a side of apple slices cut uniformly. Anton flicked his small finger at her after she placed the meal, with apple slices, fresh cutlery, a clean napkin, before him. Joseph served Anton more tonic water.
“It is an honor for us to rework this code to your satisfaction,” Amandine said. “We will do whatever it takes to make this code work. I would also like to sincerely apologize on behalf of WS&X that what was supposed to take us six weeks has taken us six months. This is our fault. We have taken time to reflect, and with your help have let go of some dead weight. Thank you for your patience and for being our best clients, who always promptly pay your bills. We truly appreciate your business.”
“Hannah,” Larry said. “Please begin.”
“I’ll begin with an overview of what we discussed before—”
“No need,” Anton said to Hannah as he dipped his fork in the mustard sauce and gave it to Antonia to taste. Antonia tasted it, nodded, and gave Anton another fork.
Hannah began.
“We’ll want to have two versions of the Water Code,” Hannah said. “There’s the version that will be presented to the legislature when you, um, I mean, ‘we’ win this November’s election.”
Mike nodded, and Andy smiled at Hannah.
“In our legal tradition,” Hannah said, “a code is the law made by the legislature, and judges interpret and apply that law to citizens. If you’re a citizen, you want the law to be as clear and as narrow as possible because you want to know how it affects you, and you don’t want it affecting too many of your daily activities. If you’re a legislator, you want the law to be as capacious as possible because you don’t want to spend too much time figuring out every possible implication of a law you’re enacting. Most legislators didn’t go to law school, so they don’t know how to read, write, or apply laws, though they always talk like they do.
“Legislators also want to give prosecutors, when it comes to crimes, as much rope as they need to hang a few people.”
Anton smiled at this, and he looked around the room as if he were waiting for us to smile with him.
“We propose a simple seventy-seven-page draft,” Hannah said, “consistent with Scrimmage, which has seven sections. I will ask my colleague, Janet, to distribute copies of our proposed law and the supporting sources.”
I stood up and did so.
“If we look at the first page,” Hannah said, “we’ll see a classic, simple, and vague provision that only says as much as it needs to. Section 1(a)(1), like in the Southern African Federation version, applies to ‘theft of water,’ which is really an umbrella category under which you could place whatever you, I mean ‘we,’ want.”
Hannah looked at Mike, who gestured to Joseph to bring him more Greenland glacial water, which Joseph did.
“I’ll read 1(a)(1).” Hannah glanced at Mike. “‘Any individual or entity, in a period of public emergency, depriving the state of California or the people of the state of California of their right to any of the waters within the State, or who has brought into the state any water, without prior approval, shall be subject to a fine exceeding no more than seven months of her or his salary, imprisonment for no more than seven years, or both. In exceptional circumstances, the Water Court, in its discretion and working with the state engineer, may impose more stringent penalties. The state engineer shall enact regulations consistent with the provisions of this Section.’”
Larry nodded at Hannah.
“The key terms,” Hannah said, “are ‘depriving,’ ‘brought into the state,’ and ‘water,’ which are open to wide interpretation. The phrases ‘public emergency,’ ‘without approval,’ and ‘state engineer,’ give us a lot of discretion as to when and how we enforce the code. You’ll remember that Colorado and New Mexico already have state engineers, who apply the laws regarding water in those states on a day-to-day basis. 1(a)(1) is, therefore, an intentionally vague provision—”
“It violates Scrimmage,” Anton sniffed. “It’s a damn violation!”
Mike nodded.
“We thought you might say that.” Hannah coughed. “You’re worried about Belief Two: ‘We believe in private property and in our constitutional right to defend it.’ You’re worried that the state could penalize an individual or private entity’s exercise of their property rights, say if they legally purchased cases of sparkling or distilled water, say in Vegas, and they transported such water across state lines into California, and the state charged them with ‘theft of water.’”
Mike nodded again.
“We wrote this,” Hannah continued, “to deal specifically with inefficient uses of water in a public emergency. In a public emergency, people’s private rights should be subordinated to the public good or we’d have all manner of egregious acts that violate Scrimmage. Scrimmage is, above all, an anti-apocalyptic statement.”
Hannah adjusted her blue-rimmed glasses (she kept a large collection in her office. I once told her that if she got tired of being a lawyer, she could become an optician.).
“Public emergencies bestow leaders with all kinds of powers,” Hannah continued. “For example, the president’s emergency powers are implied into the federal Constitution because the Constitution doesn’t explicitly enumerate them. Here, we’re simply making explicit the powers of the state in a public emergency. Some things should be impermissible in a public emergency, for everyone’s safety. If we decided to outlaw water coming in from Vegas during a public emergency because such water is obtained through inefficient or wasteful means, we should have the right to do so. It’s, um, um, if I may say so myself, the Right Path.”
“How would you respond to the charge” [Mike pushed his plate of food away, half-eaten] “that the penalties are too harsh? People will be mad when they hear that they can lose their salary.”
“So, um.” Hannah nodded. (As I looked at Hannah, I knew that what was going to follow was stuff Hannah was making up. I recalled Larry saying before I went on leave that since Anton fined people their salaries for not knowing Scrimmage, we should just include fines in the code to please Anton.)
“Think of it as a form of garnishment.” Hannah nodded again. “The IRS can garnish your wages for non-payment of taxes and other agencies can, too. Courts can order that wages be garnished so that creditors can be paid, especially in California, so we’ve drafted a humane form of garnishment under 1(a)(1). We could have stipulated a flat amount, but that might unfairly penalize the poor and incentivize the rich to waste water. How? If we say that the fine is not to exceed $5,000, those who can easily pay that amount of money will continue to violate the code. Those who cannot afford to pay will unduly suffer. So, if you make $15,000 a month, you’ll pay a maximum of $105,000. If you make $3,000 a month, you’ll pay a maximum of $21,000, and so on, or you can go to jail. It’s just a criminal fine.”
“Will it work?” Anton asked.
“The death penalty doesn’t work,” Hannah said. “It certainly doesn’t discourage homicide, and it definitely doesn’t teach people anything except that their state can kill them when it wants to, but we still have it on the books, it’s still popular, and it carries symbolism, as Jeremiah teaches us. We’re not targeting anyone with our code. We’re just responding to a global emergency at a state level. Whether it works or not will have to be seen. As your lawyers, we ca
nnot make any promises. We can only think by analogy.”
Amandine frowned at the last sentence, and she took a mouthful of her salad.
“What’s the second version of the code?” Mike asked.
“Once people are used to the Water Code and its current sections, we should enact a section of 1(a)(1) titled ‘Verdict by Ballot.’ During the first few months of the code’s application, no one should be prosecuted or fined so that people consider the code dormant. A little later, we should prosecute a few cases of water waste, like people watering lawns and shrubs with tons of water during the ongoing drought, but we shouldn’t impose penalties that are too harsh.
“Ramp it up, after that, and gradually increase the fines and the jail terms. Then apply Verdict by Ballot, which provides that the people of California will participate directly in their justice system. Verdict by Ballot brings death to those who violate Scrimmage. There’s nothing Californians love more than a good show. There’s nothing they love more than hearing themselves talk. There’s nothing they need more than water.”
“Put the fear of God in them.” Anton grinned. “No greater high than looking into someone’s eyes when what they feared most is coming to pass.”
“It’s about the Right Path,” Mike said. “Nothing whips people into shape like a bit of fear. There are some countries in which people actually vote into power those they would otherwise fear because they need some no-frills moral leadership in a time of public emergency. If you don’t believe me, just ask some of our competitor channels on TV. Reminding us of World War II and the strong moral leadership at that time has kept them in business for ages.”
Amandine and Andy smiled.
“I’m gonna take this state by storm,” Anton said. “The future is mine. I’m tired of having my people and my party featured in the Herald.”
There was something vacant in Anton’s eyes, like no one was home, and everything, all the furniture, everything, had been carted away, and there was nothing left but an empty house inside of him. Mike wasn’t too far off, but it seemed like he kept reminding himself of his humanity. Mike connected with you by repeating your name, by recalling the details of your life, and by smiling that gorgeous smile of his with those dimples that could melt your heart and make you feel like you were the cold one.
“Anything else?” Mike asked as he stood up to leave and buttoned his jacket. He looked at Hannah with pride.
Larry shook his head.
“One more thing,” Mike said. “Do not to refer to us in any internal e-mails or text messages or anything. If you want to discuss us, you do it in person. It’s for everyone’s safety.”
“Pleasure doing business with you,” Larry said as he finished eating some wasabi wrapped in ginger. Larry sneezed into his napkin, stood up, and politely declined to shake anyone’s hands since he’d just sneezed. Amandine, Andy, Hannah, and I shook Anton’s and Mike’s hands as they left. Creases and Folds pulled Anton’s and Mike’s chairs back, and all the Hoviaks left the room.
“Phew,” Amandine said when the door was shut. “I’ve never been in a room with more tension. You could have diced an apple.”
“Pretty much,” Andy said as he began eating his burger and fries, which he hadn’t touched.
“Well, we can say we were there when it all began.” Larry rubbed his hands together. “There’s nothing like being part of history, folks. I think they have a pretty decent shot at it, even if I can’t stand their guts.”
“Is it even safe for us to talk openly in this room?” Amandine wondered.
“Yeah,” Larry answered, “they swept the room. They’re pretty thorough about that stuff.”
“I’m going to say something totally off the record,” Amandine continued. “I will vote for them.”
“Why?” Larry asked.
“Because we do need strong leadership to deal with all the environmental impacts,” Amandine responded. “The CWP are a bit eccentric, but who isn’t? They have an ax to grind, but who doesn’t? At least they’re upfront about it.”
“Yep,” Andy nodded as he stuffed a handful of fries into his mouth.
“You’re also voting CWP, Andy?” Larry asked.
Andy nodded.
“I’ll take their money. I’ll learn Scrimmage,” Larry said. “But the fuckers came to my house in the middle of the night, and they also came to yours. I can’t forgive that kind of shit. Ever.”
“Well,” Amandine said, “I think that a lot of what they’re facing is growing pains. You know, you start an organization as big as theirs, and you want to serve the public good in some way, but you need to stand out and get people’s attention.”
“By going to people’s homes at 2 or 3 in the morning and executing people on international TV?” Larry asked.
“Here’s what I think,” Andy said as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Which political party is as genuinely diverse as the CWP? Which political party has as many women in positions of power? We only see Anton and Mike here, but if you go to their website, you’ll see that at least half, half, of all their senior staff are women. They only care about one thing: Scrimmage. That’s it. Nothing else matters to them. People accuse them of playing dirty, but when have politics ever been clean?”
“No one fucks with my family,” Larry said. “No one.”
Hannah pursed her lips. I wondered if she was thinking about Mike and about how dating someone like him might change her life in ways she could never have anticipated.
When I got back to my desk, there was a stack of billing statements from Benjamin in the kitchen for me to sign. Once I signed them, the meals would be billed to one of the Hoviak matters or to an internal billing number.
I called the mailroom and had the signed bills returned to the kitchen. I called housekeeping and had them clean the conference room. Since Amandine was meeting with another client in an hour, I confirmed the catering order for that client and then sent out letters to other clients, which I’d drafted for Larry.
I entered accumulated time into the billing system for Larry, Amandine, Andy, and Hannah. I also entered my own time. Then I typed out the notes from the meeting with the Hoviaks and went to Larry’s office.
“Does Mike’s order,” I asked Larry, “not to mention the CWP internally mean I can’t mention the CWP in my notes?”
“No,” Larry said. “CYA, Janet: Cover Your Ass. You take full notes regarding everything they said, and you upload that into the system.”
I went to my desk, completed my work, and called Elisa.
It went to voicemail.
Elisa’s voicemail was hilarious. Mauru’s was, “This is Mauru, and this is the beep.” My mom’s voicemail was, “You have reached Gazelle. John 14:1.” Dad’s was simple, “Please leave a message.” Mine was Nate and Jon saying, “We love buttermilk biscuits. Thanks for calling.” Anna’s and Giulio’s voicemails had exactly the same message, “Ciao, this is Anna (or Giulio). Arrivederci, baby!” Elisa’s was a robocall featuring her favorite former president. “This is the president,” the message began, and Elisa’s voice ended the message with, “and I support this message.”
“Hey, sis,” I said to Elisa. “I’ve got man problems. Call me back. Bye.”
Elisa called back immediately.
“What’s he done this time?” she asked. “My brother. What’s he been up to? Strip clubs again?”
“No,” I laughed. “That was years ago. I took care of that. Could you help me, please?”
I explained the salary increase and everything else to Elisa. How to make my deal with Larry acceptable to Mauru?
“There’s only one way to deal with this, Janet,” Elisa said. “I’ll call Mauru and casually congratulate him for choosing a wife who kicks ass at work and is a great mom and sister-in-law. That’ll make him feel guilty about saying anything to a woman about how successful she is. Then I’ll call Mom and Dad and have them call him to say how much we all love you and are proud of you. It’ll make him love
you even more because we all want parental approval, even if our parents are, um, swingers. That’ll soften him up some. He’ll know what’s up, but he’ll think twice before saying anything.”
“Thanks, sis,” I said. “How are you doing otherwise?”
“Beau problems.” She laughed. “I’ll tell you about them some time.”
13
Please Join Us
I’m not a bad person, a bad wife, or a bad mother.
I’m not a bad daughter.
I loved my husband, the life we’d built together, our beautiful kids, my parents, and my family-in-law.
Mauru was a gentle, thoughtful, loving man who was also a good partner, and, above all, a good father to our kids.
He worried especially about Nathalie because he didn’t want our daughter to end up with someone who mistreated her. He didn’t want her to end up lonely because the world had punished her for being an independent, powerful woman.
“The world,” he once said, “is yet to do right by girls,” and he wanted to make sure his daughter was OK.
I really loved Mauru.
I need everyone to know that.
The de Jongs once asked us what we liked most about each other. Mauru said he loved how independent I was and how we were “a unit.” I said I loved what we’d built together, something beautiful and fun, and I loved the fact that even when things were rough and tumble, like raising four kids, Mauru showed up for us.
Mauru also had the best smile I’ve ever seen. I know that I’ve described it many ways, but seeing him smile was like watching the curtains go up in the theater and watching the best show of your life come alive.
What I’m going to share is still difficult for me to write. Linda Maywrot says to just put the words down and trust that the reader will receive them with an open heart. I hope that I won’t be judged for this, but I guess that we don’t dictate the consequences of our actions; we only live them.
I have few regrets in my life.
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