by Marie Force
“We did. We even slept in the same bed. Platonically.”
“Well, that’s a shame. I would’ve thought you’d use my unfortunate accident to further your agenda where he’s concerned.”
“Very funny. I was too undone over you to even think about jumping his bones.”
“Is this the same girl who coached me to walk into a bar and ask Blake to fuck me? You disappoint me.”
“Ha-ha, very funny. I was traumatized after seeing my best friend in a coma. Give a girl a break, will you?”
I roll my eyes at her, even though it hurts to do that. “I was never in a coma.”
“Well, you were out of it for days. Very long days. I thought Blake would lose his mind waiting for you to wake up.”
“He seems… off… Have you noticed that?”
“Garrett and I both noticed he’s extremely stressed out. He’ll be better now that you’re home.”
“I hope so.” I debate whether I should say more, because saying it out loud makes it official. “It’s just that before the accident, he was so happy. We got engaged and were making plans and everything was great. And now…”
“What?” she asks, her brows furrowing.
“He’s saying and doing all the right things, but he reminds me of the guy I picked up in a bar who wanted to keep his distance at all costs. He’s nothing at all like the guy he’d been lately.”
“He’s crazy about you, Honey. The whole town is talking about you guys getting married. You’ve got to give him some time to get past the accident and the trauma of seeing you hurt so badly. Think about what he’s been through in the past and how that must’ve affected him.”
“That’s all I can think about. Jordan’s death turned him into an emotionless shell of a man. I can’t bear to see him go back to that again, Lo.” My eyes fill with tears. “I can’t lose him to the past, not after everything we’ve shared.”
“Give it some time. Let him recover with you. In a couple of weeks, things will be back to normal. You’ll see.”
I glom on to Lauren’s reassurances, but deep down inside, I’m afraid I lost him in that crash.
By the end of my second week at home, I’m going stir-crazy. I want to get back to work in the worst way, but I have two more days before my appointment with my regular doctor, who will, hopefully, give me the all clear to return to work on a limited basis. My ankle has gone from hurting to itching, and I’m able now to put some weight on it and hobble around without the crutches.
With my plan to resume half days next week, I contact some of the customers who were forced to wait for me to recover to reschedule their appointments. I can’t wait to get back to cranky babies and bossy mothers. That’s my normal, and I’m craving it.
Blake has been so busy dealing with the work backlog he came home to that I barely see him except for when he crawls into bed next to me, many nights after midnight. I can’t help but feel that he’s avoiding me, our relationship, our engagement, our future. Our physical relationship has become a chaste peck on the cheek before he leaves for work each morning. That’s it. He hardly ever touches me otherwise, which is not at all like the passionate man I fell in love with.
I’m trying to take Lauren’s advice and give him some time, but I’m beginning to fear that there’s no bridging the gulf the crash has put between us.
Garrett stops by late one afternoon, knocking on the door before coming in with yet another bouquet of flowers. Over the last few weeks, I’ve suspected he brings me flowers as an excuse to stop by Lauren’s shop, but he’s never said so, and I haven’t asked. Not that I’m above giving them a nudge, but it has to be done correctly. In my opinion, they’d make a great couple, and if I get the chance, I’m going to give him a subtle push in her direction.
Garrett has dark hair and eyes and a gorgeous smile. We went out a couple of times in high school, and nothing other than friendship ever came of it, but I’ve always thought he was super cute and sweet. He sits on one of Gran’s fussy little parlor chairs that’s way too small for his strapping frame. “I feel like I’m going to break this thing by sitting on it.”
“You very well might. Blake calls it dollhouse furniture.”
“I can see why. How’re you feeling, Honey?”
“Stir-crazy, ready to get back to work and my life. Otherwise, not bad.”
“Speaking of work, that’s why I stopped by.”
“If it’s awful, don’t tell me.”
He smiles, which only makes him cuter than he already is. “It’s not awful. I took the liberty of liquidating one of your CDs that came up for maturity this month, which gives you two months’ operating capital to pay this month’s bills and next, too.”
“Oh, Garrett, thank you so much for taking care of that. I’ve been freaking out about money, among other things.”
“You’re all set. Don’t worry. I’m keeping an eye on things.”
“Thank God for you. You can’t ever move away.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
I’ve known Garrett as long as I’ve known Blake, Lauren, Matt and Julie, so I’m hoping he’ll take what I’m about to say the right way. “I want to thank you for bringing Lauren to me when I needed her in San Antonio.”
“I was happy to be able to help in some way. She was a disaster. I couldn’t let her drive five hours in that condition.”
“It was good of you to look out for her.”
“That’s what friends do.”
“So you guys are friends? Just friends?”
“What’re you up to, Honey?” he asks with a grin.
“Nothing. Much…”
“We’re good friends. Always have been, always will be.”
“But that’s it?” I ask, my heart sinking.
“I never said that.”
“Don’t be coy with me, Garrett McKinley. She’s my best friend, and she has a crush on you.” So much for subtlety. I smack a hand over my mouth. “OhmyGod.” The hand I keep over my big mouth muffles my voice. “I can’t believe I said that out loud. It’s the concussion. Has to be.”
He looks like he’s been poleaxed. “She has a crush. On me?”
With the hand still in place over my mouth, I nod.
“Is this a recent development?”
I shake my head.
“Well, I’ll be damned.”
I finally unseal my mouth. “Is this good news?”
“It’s not bad news. I like her a lot. I always have.”
“But?”
“No buts. I like her.”
“She thinks you think she’s an airhead.” In for a penny…
“What? I do not!”
“I told her that was ridiculous. Look at the business she runs and all the stuff she does for the needy and the elderly.”
“I don’t think that about her at all. I think she’s amazing.”
“Maybe somehow you could find a way to tell her that?”
“Yeah,” he says, seeming rattled. “I will.” He leans forward, elbows on knees. “You know the main reason why I’ve never asked her out?”
“I have no clue.”
“She used to be with Blake, and he’s one of my best friends. I thought it might be weird between him and me if I pursued her, even if it was a long time ago for them.”
“That’s the same reason I never thought about dating him, but she told me to quit being ridiculous. That was ages ago, after she finally left Wayne. She deserved to be with a decent guy like Blake after what she went through with Wayne.”
He cringes at the mention of Lauren’s ex-husband. “I hope that guy never shows his face around here again.”
“He’d be crazy to step foot in Marfa. He has to know half the town wants to see him dead for daring to lay hands on her.”
“I’d be first in line,” he says fiercely, so fiercely that I realize he hasn’t been immune to her at all, but rather the exact opposite. “She really has a crush on me?” he asks hopefully.
“She really do
es, but you did not hear that from me.”
“Hear what?” he asks with a wink.
“As long as we’re telling secrets, what’s going on with your buddy Blake?”
He seems genuinely baffled. “What do you mean?”
“You haven’t noticed a change in him since the accident?”
“Other than being frantically busy at work and worrying about you, no, not really.”
“Well, I have.”
“How so?”
“He’s different, remote like he used to be, not at all affectionate, and he’s making up excuses to be anywhere but here except to sleep. I keep asking him to take me out for a ride or dinner or anything to get out of here, but he always has a reason why he can’t.”
“Huh, that’s odd.”
Hearing him confirm it doesn’t do much to comfort me. I rub my hand over the ache in my chest that’s becoming more intense by the day. “Something’s wrong, Garrett. Lauren told me to give him time and space to get back to normal after the accident, but it’s been weeks, and he’s more withdrawn by the day. Will you talk to him and see if you can figure out what’s going on with him?”
“Of course.”
I breathe a sigh of relief. “And you won’t tell him I sent you?”
“He won’t hear that from me.”
“Thank you, Garrett.”
He grins at me. “Least I can do for you after you opened my eyes to a few things I needed to know.”
Chapter Sixteen
I line up the Weedwacker at the base of the granite stone and turn it on, knocking down the tall grass that’s grown around Jordan’s gravestone while I’ve been too busy to tend to it the way I normally do.
Normal.
What does that even mean anymore? For a long time, my normal was work, work and more work, with an occasional meaningless screw thrown in there to keep me sane. Then Honey came into the bar and propositioned me, turning my orderly world upside down. It was fun for a while, until reality intruded to remind me that nothing lasts forever, and it’s easier not to get involved than to risk losing everything.
The buzz of the Weedwacker is oddly comforting as I clean up Jordan’s gravesite and the one belonging to her grandparents next to her. I’m ashamed of how overgrown they’ve gotten while I was too busy to tend to them. I hope her grandparents would approve of the work I’m doing to their house. I’m back to thinking I’ll sell it when it’s finished. Living there with Honey and the family we might’ve had together was nothing more than a pipe dream. I know that now.
Once she’s fully recovered, I’ll tell her in the gentlest way possible that I’ve changed my mind about us. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than ever go through what I did on that highway outside of San Antonio. Not to mention the endless days in the hospital when I didn’t know if she would ever wake up and look at me with those gorgeous brown eyes or smile at me in that special way she saves just for me.
I shake off those thoughts. They’re counterproductive. There’s no sense yearning for things that can never be. I’m far better off focusing on the work that has sustained me for all these years.
She’ll be disappointed, but she’ll get over it. An amazing woman like Honey won’t be single for long. Some great guy will snap her up and give her all the things I can’t. I was an absolute fool to think I’d moved far enough past what happened to Jordan to take another chance with Honey.
And if the thought of her with another guy makes me want to commit murder? Well, that’ll pass in time. Her happiness is the most important thing, and I don’t have what it takes to make myself happy, let alone anyone else.
For a couple of beautiful months, I deluded myself into believing I’d recovered from the trauma of losing Jordan. Drunk on the hottest sex of my life, I thought I was better now, ready to try again, but that turned out to be utter bullshit. While standing on that highway, fearing that I’d already lost her forever, I found out how not ready I am for anything remotely like the things I wanted with Honey.
I can’t afford to care that much about anyone, and Honey deserves better than a shell of a man who hasn’t got a goddamned thing to give her.
I’m startled out of my increasingly dire thoughts by the sight of Garrett, walking across the grass that leads to Jordan’s plot in the local cemetery. What the hell is he doing here? And how did he find me? Annoyed to be interrupted, I turn off the machine and raise the goggles that cover my eyes. “What’re you doing here?”
“Looking for you.”
“Well, you found me.”
“Surprised to find you here. I figured you’d be home with Honey by now.”
“Got stuff to do. This place doesn’t keep itself up on its own.”
“No, it doesn’t, but no one says you have to be the only one to do it.”
“I’ve always done it, and I always will, as long as I’m on this side of the grass.”
“Okay.”
“That all you came to say?”
“Actually, no. I guess I’m sort of wondering why you’re back to burying yourself in work when you have a fiancée waiting for you at home.”
“In case you didn't notice, I was away for two weeks. I had a few things to do when I came home.”
“You were caught up after the first week you were back, so I’m afraid you’re going to have to do better than that.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell me what’s wrong.”
“Everything is wrong! I fucked up with Honey. I never should’ve proposed to her, and now I have to undo it, and that fucking kills me.”
“Then don’t undo it.”
“I have to.”
“Why? Why do you have to?”
“Because.” I can hear the utter misery in my own voice, and I have no doubt my close friend can hear it, too.
“I have a theory I’d like to run by you. You can tell me if I’m hot, cold or even lukewarm.”
I don’t want to hear his theory, but I doubt that’ll stop him from sharing it.
“Twelve years ago, something awful happened to all of us, but mostly to you and Jordan’s family, the people who loved her best.”
Because I don’t trust myself to hold it together, I take an intense interest in the grass.
“That was a terrible time, and for years, you coped with your loss and the guilt associated with it by throwing yourself into your work. The only pleasure you allowed yourself was a beer at the end of the day, an occasional roll in the hay and limited time with your family and friends. Am I warm?”
I shrug. He’s hot as hell, but I’m not going to tell him that.
“Then you got together with Honey, and for a while, everything seemed better. You were laughing again like you hadn’t laughed in a dozen years, smiling, joking, taking chances, making plans.”
“And look at where that landed me, back in another motherfucking hospital.”
“Ahhh, and here we get to the heart of the matter, the horrible, terrible thing that almost happened again. The key word being almost. Honey’s not dead, Blake. She’s alive and well and in love with you and wondering why you’re spending your time everywhere but with her.”
“She tell you that?”
“She didn’t have to tell me. I went to her house to see you both. You weren’t there, and she didn’t know when you’d be home. You weren’t at the bar or your house, so I came out here. Now you tell me why anyone would rather spend time at the cemetery than home with the woman he loves, the woman who loves him.”
“You don’t get it!” I want to wrap my hands around his neck and strangle the life out of him. How dare he try to expose me this way? I thought he was my friend.
“Don’t tell me I don’t get it. I’ve lived every second of this journey along with you. I’ve watched you go from a happy, carefree, optimistic young man to an empty shell of a man who thinks the only way to get through each day is to power through. That is no way to live, Blake, and the Jordan I knew and loved
wouldn’t want that for you.”
“Don’t you dare pretend to know what she would want.”
“Why not? You weren’t the only one who loved her. We all did. I knew her my whole life, and that sweet, loving girl would not want you to use her death as an excuse to run away from life.”
“That’s not what I’m doing.”
“Isn’t it? Isn’t it what you’ve been doing so long now that you don’t know how to do anything else when another accident rocks your world and makes you think—stupidly—that the only way to live is to take zero chances?”
I’m afraid if I say anything, I might end a lifelong friendship, so I maintain my stony silence.
Garrett takes a step closer, his voice softer when he says, “Look, I feel for you, man. Everyone does. How could something like that happen to one guy twice in a lifetime, but you know what else has happened to you twice in a lifetime?”
Forcing my gaze up to meet his, I raise a brow.
“True love. Hasn’t happened yet for me, so I’m envious that you’ve had it twice. If I were you and I had an amazing woman like Honey crazy in love with me, I’d hold on to her with everything I had.”
I want to. God knows I want to, but I can’t. “Well, you’re not me.”
“No, I’m not, and I can’t possibly fathom what it was like for you not knowing if Honey was going to make it. But she did, and how sad would it be if she went through everything she did to survive only to lose you because some idiot got drunk and decided it would be a good idea to hit the road? How is that fair to her?”
It isn’t fair, and I didn’t need Garrett to point that out to me.
“I feel for her, you know?” Garrett said. “I mean, she was already abandoned by the most important person in her life the day she was born. I’d hate to see that happen to her again.”
“I’m not abandoning her.” But as I say the words, I feel like a knife is twisting in my chest as I recall her expressing her fear of that very thing. Isn’t that exactly what I’m planning to do? “She’ll be fine.”
“Maybe she will. Maybe she won’t. Hard to know for sure. I’ll say one more thing, and then I’ll let you get back to work.” He waits until I’m looking at him before he says, “I sure did like having my old friend Blake around the last couple of months. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed him.”