messages from the Bunker's many private firms. These lonely, economic crusaders struggle daily to provide you with quality products backed by excellent customer service. Good citizens everywhere, the terrorist threat is on the verge of extinction! There aren't enough of them left to cause a crisis, never mind threaten our happy existence. Fortunately, the situation at the Today's Edition (TM) newsroom has returned to normal. If you are experiencing a prolonged sense of alarm or urgency caused by the deviationism characterized by these rogue broadcasts, you are advised to report to the nearest medical clinic for medication. Thank you for your cooperation.
WHAT WOULD CARLTON SMICKETT SAY? RETIRED INDEFINITELY! There are many culturally enriching vidshows and documentaries to watch on the tube. But – despite the best efforts of talented researchers over at Developmental Engineering – there are only a limited number of program slots available in a single daystretch. Although commonly praised as “a superlatively fresh take on common decency”, and “a combination of staggering honesty and transfixing morality”, as well as “the best reason to miss naptime since Sedeterol”, the production engineers over at Human Resources felt the moment had finally arrived to make room for feeds more relevant to today's unique perspective on abject normalcy. That's why from now on viewers accustomed to What Would Carlton Smickett Say? will instead be enchanted with that critically acclaimed, heartfelt commentary on the nature of being human, My Helpbot Smells Like Air Freshener. Citizens, even though the debut has yet to air, you should know that the members of the focus group challenged with rating this sitcom were literally falling all over themselves to heap approbation on this new, award-winning, hard-hitting social commentary. Don't miss out!
And now a word from our sponsors!
Poopchat (TM)! What better way to discuss with your friends and family what you had to eat last nightstretch? Visit us on X.net today! Disclaimer: Poopchat (TM)! cannot be held liable for the commentary of its individual users. Unauthorized reproduction of the Poopchat (TM)! logo, brand name, or alleged statements by our Marketing Department, in whole or in part, express or implied, real or fanciful, will be ruthlessly pursued to the extent of the guidelines. Remember: we have more credits than you ever will.
DEAR EDITOR COLUMN INTRODUCED TO GREAT FANFARE! Finally, over here at the Public Diplomacy division of Human Resources, we believe that YOU – the average citizen – are central to our success. It's a simple matter to throw together a crude summary of the most recent events in the Bunker, but we all know that the news is more than a simple litany of facts. We at the Public Diplomacy devision want to find out what you're all about so Human Resources can be more responsive to your unique set of interests. Do you prefer thick or thin fibers in a carpet? Do you enjoy the mood music played for your benefit in the metro cars? Should Grisha Yelagin – that manly star of your favorite sitcom, Control Knows Best – sleep with Nuan Dee before poisoning her son with ribotoxin or pass up a golden opportunity to ensnare yet more traitors? That's why we've entered into a partnership with the management of Today's Edition (TM) to bring you the Dear Editor column! Now you have an opportunity to voice an opinion! Simply shoot an email over to our production engineers and let us know what you're thinking. Be sure to include your name, department, and most update-to-date criminal record. From now on, each dispatch of Today's Edition (TM) will include a response to the most poignant and relevant of your concerns.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition (TM), it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition (TM)!
TANKPODS RECALLED! Over the last yearstretch, private firms associated with the Recycling and Reclamation division of P&L have been erroneously issuing licenses authorizing the sale of tankpods. Recently withdrawn from military service, these movepods were subsequently sold to ordinary, unsuspecting civilians, oftentimes still equipped with functioning weaponry and battle armor. A rising number of violent and deadly incidents in the transtube has led to a universal recall of these dangerous vehicles. The source of the error has been traced to trojan form 0x50B880AF 'Application for Registration: Amateur Military Hardware Operator'. No such form was ever in fact promulgated by Central Management and should be destroyed if encountered. The actual form 0x50B880AF is entitled 'Petition for Permission to Prognosticate'. The creators of the trojan form are as yet unknown, but its distribution is certainly the work of traitors. If you are the owner of a tankpod, please go immediately to your friendly Homeland Security neighborhood substation and turn yourself in. Thank you for your cooperation.
MARSHA WONG AND HILLARY BINZER SENTENCED TO HARD LABOR! After a thorough investigation into their treasonous doings – a prolonged and tedious account that stretches back to the start of their careers – justice was finally delivered to these two incorrigible hustlers. On the recommendation of Beta clearance citizen and celebrity manager, Milfred Roth, they were taken to a penal colony up on the surface where they will remain, digging trenches and sifting through sand, until they are no longer useful. The spirit of mercy and leniency which permeates the Bunker is a gift to us all.
And now a word from our sponsors!
One daystretch soon, the traitors will have been eradicated. But as close as the final victory may be, the hard, cold truth is that the evildoers are still out there. Many of them want to steal your credits, even your identity! Whether the threat is as simple as malware running on your PA or a complex scheme involving body doubles and chloroform, you have to protect yourself from every contingency. IdentiCheck (TM) is the perfect solution. A single interview and a brief but probing scan of your PA is all that we require. Our professional advice is guaranteed to protect you from the wiles of social deviants everywhere. Or your money back! IdentiCheck (TM). “The only way to be sure who you really aren't.”
DEAR EDITOR, I am a stenographer. I work in a big office for Central Management. My supervisor dictates the contents of proposed forms to me. I then type them into the terminal and the forms are printed out. I bring the paperwork to my supervisor who dictates his corrections. This process repeats until my supervisor is satisfied with the form. The reason I am writing is that by the end of my daystretch, my workspace is crowded with barrels full of discarded paper. I must then empty these barrels by hand. It would seem to me there's room to improve the process. For example, if there were wheels on the bottom of the barrels, I could simply push them to the furnace and dump their contents in one trip rather than having to go back and forth so many times. Am I right? Yours truly, Angela Markowitz C-13 sector.
DEAR ANGELA, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition (TM), it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition (TM)!
X-7 SECTOR ON LOCKDOWN! Terrorists have struck again, this time in X-7 sector. The result? Carnage and mayhem! Yesterday, in the Donald E. Lukens Plaza, a column of charging conspirators fell upon an ongoing Caring Demonstration, scattering the participants. Fortunately, the traitors were only armed with pennants and confetti. In a particularly demented twist to their plot, these hooligans carried out their assault to the tune of our venerated Anthem of the Patriot. In the riot that ensued, a number of buildings sustained significant damage, including a cybercafe and a think tank run by Central Management. Guardians from Defense were brought in to quell the disturbance. The death toll is still being determined, but casualties are certainly high.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Human beings are weak, pathetic creatures. You can't run very fast, you can't lift very much, and y
ou keep dropping things. Without our guidance, it's a wonder the spirks manage to find their way into your gaping mouths at all. Fortunately, you have electronically superior beings to help you wade through the trivial exigencies of organic life. CPUs are, however, in short supply. Until the situation has been rectified, the niche in the evolutionary paradigm carved out by your dismally unimaginative species must be preserved at all costs. And what better guarantor of your survival than Gawgle, Inc (TM)? Who else did you think wrote that clever app that tells you how to go places? Certainly not you. Gawgle, Inc (TM). “Yes, we already knew that.”
WE LOVE THE BUNKER DAYSTRETCH AN ASTOUNDING SUCCESS! As you well know, our annual We Love the Bunker Daystretch festivities were held yesterday. In carefully choreographed but spiritually inspiring masterpieces of dance and ritual, citizens locked hands in brotherly love and declared their allegiance to each other and the caring wisdom of Control. Corridors everywhere echoed with the resounding refrain of the Anthem of the Patriot and the marching feet of parading troupes of loyal teamsters, foundry assistants, and ball bearing
Today's Edition Page 16