to the hard work and dedication of our uniformed friends over at Homeland Security! Remember, citizens: not even Alpha clearance citizens can ever hope to elude the long arm of justice. Rumors that Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong were tipped off before the Search and Extract Team could seize them and that they have escaped into an abandoned set of sectors under the Bunker free of Control's loving care and watchful eye are pure fancy and should be disregarded by anyone wishing to wake up in the same bunk he went to sleep in.
DEAR EDITOR, I recently had a horn installed on my steppod so I could get through the crowded corridors faster. You know how it is, everyone crammed in together, and there are no lanes dedicated to vehicular traffic. It's just a slight horn, short bursts tuned to a mere 135 dB. Anyway, someone must have tipped off Human Resources because an inspector from their Vehicular Registration division showed up at my workplace and demanded to see the necessary permits. If I can't produce them, I'll be fitted with a collar and restraint! It's too late to remove the horn... she already inspected it and took some snaps for her report. All I wanted to do was get to work on time. Is there some way I can make this investigation go away? Diego Quiñones Rodríguez B-7 sector, Speed Junky.
DEAR SPEED JUNKY, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition (TM), it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition (TM)!
ANARCHY ERUPTS IN P SECTOR! The Puppet Parade in P sector descended into pandemonium several daystretches ago when a tankpod disguised as P sector's friendly mascot plowed into a tea-tasting and started firing its laser cannon indiscriminately. The party was taking place at Gary's Diner, an exclusive restaurant in P-6 sector restricted to Epsilon clearance and above. Interestingly, after the tankpod followed the panicked crowd into the corridors outside, it continued to puritanically target citizens with a security clearance, leaving the vast majority of passers-by unscathed. The treacherous vehicle was eventually cornered by guardians from Defence and destroyed in a hailstorm of laserfire and boiling oil. Large swaths of P-6 sector were left a smoldering ruin. Fortunately, building crews are working hard, and Housing and Construction assures us that everything will be back to normal by tomorrow.
BALLISTIC WARHEADS SLAM INTO RETURNING TRANSPORT! The Bunker suffered a heavy blow six daystretches ago when a transport laden with valuable metals and chemical compounds necessary for the smooth operation of our bustling economy was destroyed. Ballistic missiles stored on defensive satellites in position around the planet were triggered by treasonous elements just as the transport was about to dock. Several miners who had completed their twenty yearstretch stints were also on board. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong, both of H-11 sector, are the prime suspects.
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AND NOW AN UPDATE ON THAT INFAMOUS ARCHITECT OF CHAOS AND LICENTIOUSNESS, MILFRED ROTH! Delta clearance citizen Milfred Roth has admitted to running a cartel of blackmailers spanning almost the entirety of the Bunker. Through it, he directed his agents, Marsha Wong and Hillary Binzer, to plant incriminating evidence on loyal citizens with a lower security clearance. When the false evidence was later “discovered” by his associates, citizen Milfred proceeded to extract money from his victims. As this amounted to illegal plunder, he forced them to deposit large sums of credits on microchips, which he subsequently spent on the black market. Fellow citizens, his is a shameful but not entirely unexpected admission. Stayed tuned to next weekstretch's dispatch for more details on Milfred Roth's depraved and bankrupt lifestyle.
THUG STABS TEN IN CINEMA! Citizen Nielson Grendle was shot dead earlier today in the Resonance Cinemas D-10 sector after having stabbed ten innocent people – including ten Wards of the State – with a rusty set of nail clippers. Citizen Nielson was employed as a medication tester with Healthy Pharmaceuticals, Psychoactive Chemistry, a division of Developmental Engineering. Responsible for trying out new but clinically safe medications that have just come down the production pipeline, no motive for his sudden and violent outburst has yet been ascertained. Nielson Grendle was a mere nineteen yearstretches old. In fact, the average lifespan of medication testers throughout the Bunker is the same, an odd coincidence indeed. There were no survivors.
DEAR EDITOR, A few weekstretches ago I got jumped on my way home from having a few drinks with the boys over at the Lowly Yeoman's Tavern M-10 sector. They serve piss for beer, I know, but it's just around the corner from our factory. Anyway, when I woke up, I discovered my Card was gone, and I'd been arrested for brawling. The guards wanted money, of course. After I finally got out of the slammer, I went straight down to Human Resources. Thing is, they won't be able to issue me a new Card until next weekstretch! How am I supposed to get paid? How am I going to eat? Meanwhile, they can't cancel the old one until the new one arrives, and some bloke I don't know is parading around charging expensive memberships to exercise spas and fancy Dagon (TM) watches to my name! I'd love to pound the cancerhead to bits. Any clue how I can track him down? Vernod Shillings M-14 sector, The Iron Fist.
DEAR VERNOD, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition (TM), it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition (TM)!
VIRULENT FUNGUS INFESTS I SECTOR! The entirety of I sector has been put on lockdown due to an outbreak of deadly and aggressive mold. This fuzzy, light blue substance is extremely dangerous and should not be touched or even approached by anyone unprotected by an ecopack. A number of casualties have already been reported, including an entire singalong being held in the Deborah G. Dean Plaza I-12 sector. The fungus appears to be intelligent and capable of movement. According to eye witnesses, it increases in size by absorbing the bodily fluids of its victims. Initial reports indicate the mold originated in a cleaning station in I-16 sector and is using the plumbing to spread itself. Guardians from Defense are already taking steps to eradicate this pernicious, new enemy. Citizens, you can rest assured that this treacherous fungus has been completely isolated in I sector. There is no risk of its spreading to other sectors. Meanwhile, an investigation has been opened as to who is responsible for this costly disaster. H&C's corps of hygiene inspectors in I sector has already been placed under arrest. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong, both of H-11 sector, are the prime suspects.
AIR RECYCLING SYSTEM IN J SECTOR TEMPORARILY OFFLINE! Due to an unexpected shortage of magnesium, air filtration and regeneration in J-1, J-2, J-4, and J-9 through J-14 sectors will be shut down until further notice. Citizens are advised to take the necessary precautions, including storing air in special containers provided by H&C for later use or
breathing rapidly in the hourstretches leading up to the event. For those citizens with a Gamma security clearance or higher, [[ Information deleted for security reasons ]]. Thank you for your cooperation.
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AND NOW AN UPDATE ON THAT INFAMOUS ARCHITECT OF CHAOS AND LICENTIOUSNESS MILFRED ROTH! The list of atrocities to which Epsilon clearance citizen and former celebrity manager, Milfred Roth, has confessed has grown long indeed. On a positive note, a number of previously unsolved crimes [[ Illegal checksum ]] [[ Broken pipe ]] [[ Start coded message ]] My fellow citizens, Milfred Roth is not a traitor. The campaign being waged
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