“Oh, Alex, I would love to have seen your face!” I smiled back at her and took another sip of wine. “I’m just off to the loo, Al, won’t be a min.”
I reached into my bag for my compact to check what sort of state I was in. I stared into the mirror. With my panda eyes and my hair stuck to my head, I wasn’t a pretty sight. I grabbed my wipes out of my bag and fixed my face as best I could, added a bit of lippy and felt much better.
As I closed my compact and looked up, I noticed a guy at the bar staring at me. I thought I recognised him then I realised it was the guy who I fell onto in the street. I looked away embarrassed, but I could see he was making his way towards me. “Hi, I’m Will. We met in the…”
I quickly interrupted him. “Yes, I know where we met.”
“I must say, you managed to recover yourself well. It could have been a lot worse if you had hit the floor.” I couldn’t help but laugh as I thought about me hurtling towards him like a bull charging at a matador. “So, how come your in here alone?”
“I’m not, my friend has just gone to the loo.” “Friend! Male or female?”
“Female.”
“Oh, so are you single?”
“No, no, I’m not. I’m married.” And god knows I couldn’t do with anymore complications in my life. “Oh, that’s a shame. I’m looking for a girlfriend.”
“Then look no further,” a voice came from behind us; it was Sal. “So, who’s this, Alex?”
“Erm, this is Will; Will this is Sal.”
“Hi, Sal, nice to meet you.”
“Hmm and you,” Sal said as she held her hand out to shake his. She had that look in her eye. Bless him, he didn’t stand a chance.
“Will you excuse me, ladies, while I go to the bathroom?”
“Sure, I’ll hold your drink for you.” She grabbed the drink from out of his hand as he turned to go to the loo.
“So, you kept him quiet. Where did you meet? I want all the details!”
“I fell on him in the rain.”
“What! When?”
“Tonight, on my way here.”
Sal started to laugh again. “Well, that’s one way of meeting someone. I must say you did okay! He’s gorgeous!”
He was rather handsome and very fit looking. I’m guessing he worked out on a regular basis. He had light brown hair and was unshaven, which gave him a bit of a rugged look.
My thoughts drifted back into the conversation, and I realised what Sal had just said.
“Oh no, I’m not interested in him!”
“Good, that leaves it open for me. Besides, you have Mr Grey.”
I was just about to give her what for when I was interrupted. “So, do you both come here a lot?”
“Yes, we do, don’t we, Al?”
“Well, we haven’t been for a while, but yes, it is our usual haunt.”
The conversation naturally flowed between us all night. Will seemed to be a nice guy, a bit full of himself, but he was okay. I had a feeling he had been a bit insecure at some time and his current image was to mask his insecurities. Sal seemed to be into him and was lapping up his charm. It turned out he was new to the area – something to do with his job. I wasn’t really listening, but I kept catching bits of the conversation. My mind was elsewhere. I was looking forward to my meeting with Tom, and tomorrow couldn’t come fast enough.
I woke the next day at around 7am, made my way downstairs and enjoyed the peace and quiet with the paper and a coffee. I thought about what I could wear for my weekend away with Tom. I didn’t want to go rummaging about while James was in the bedroom, but at least I could work out what I was going to wear.
It wasn’t long before James came down and interrupted my peace. “You’re up early?”
“I woke up and couldn’t get back over to sleep so thought I might as well get up.”
“Okay, do you want another coffee?”
“Yes, can do. I’m just going to nip up and pack my bag.”
“Oh yes, you’re going to Jen’s for the weekend, aren’t you?”
“Yes, I’ll just go throw some things in a bag and I’ll be back down.”
I made my way up to the bedroom and searched for something to wear. I should have bought something new. I managed to find a dress I had never worn and popped it in my overnight bag, along with some stockings. I was really looking forward to seeing Tom. I had missed him so much.
I made my way back downstairs, and James had a coffee waiting for me. I sat opposite him at the table and watched as he trawled his way through his newspaper, hardly noticing I was there.
Suddenly he looked up. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Then why are you staring?”
“I wasn’t, I was just looking at you.”
“And?”
“And nothing.”
“So, I haven’t changed then.” James started to laugh and continued to read his paper.
No, James you haven’t changed, I thought. You’re just the same as you have always been. I took another sip from my coffee cup and wondered how we ever got this far, both work-obsessed and only really spending time together whilst on holiday. I thought maybe that’s what had saved us, the fact that we were so preoccupied with work we didn’t have much time to spend together. I guess some people are like that. They just drift along with the tide.
I rose from my chair. “Would you like some toast?”
Without even looking up, James replied, “Two slices please.”
I made us some toast and a fresh coffee and sat back down at the table, wondering what the weekend had in store for me. I looked out of the window. The sky had turned grey and rain was drumming against the window. That’s all I needed. I glanced up at the clock. It was time I was going, so I finished getting ready and headed for the car.
By the time I reached the motorway, the rain was beating down and it was difficult to see in front of me. I decided to pull in at a services until it calmed down. I purchased a coffee at the counter and searched for a seat. It seems everyone had had the same idea as the place was packed, I couldn’t find anywhere to sit.
I was just about to give up when a voice called out. “You can sit with me if you like, dear.” I turned to face the table behind me, and I was surprised to see James’s mum staring back at me. “Well, this is a surprise. What are you doing here?”
“I, erm, I’m on my way to see my friend, and you?”
“I’m going to see Aunt Edith.” Edith was Joan’s sister and they often visited each other. “And how is James? I haven’t seen him for a while.”
“Oh, he’s fine, working as hard as ever.”
“He never stops, that boy. He will run himself into the ground.”
We chatted for a while over our coffee until the rain had cleared, then as soon as I could, I said my goodbye’s and left. Tom would be waiting for me, I thought, and I can’t wait for him.
I reached the hotel a little later than our arranged time, and I was a little surprised that Tom wasn't already there. He was never late. It was a little early for alcohol, so I ordered a soft drink from the bar and made my way to the sofa in the main foyer. I grabbed one of the magazines neatly placed on the table and began to flick through it.
Halfway through an article on the latest movie releases, I glanced down at my watch. I had been there thirty minutes, where was he? This wasn't like him at all. Just then I received a text on my phone.
Really sorry, unable to make it, something has cropped up x.
I was so annoyed. What a time to tell me!
Like what?!
The bloody cheek of it, letting me know now.
I’m truly sorry, I can’t speak now. I’ll be in touch x.
He couldn't even spare me an explanation. I looked down at my phone, wondering if that was it. Maybe he couldn't do it anymore and couldn't face telling me. What a coward, I thought. I’ve a good mind to text him back and tell him where to go.
I began to write a lengthy message, adding th
at it was good while it lasted, but I was happy to finish it now as I had had enough. I paused before sending then decided to delete it. What was the point? He had probably done it time and time again.
The journey home seemed to take forever, and I’m not ashamed to say I was disappointed. I was really pissed off that Tom had not turned up. We had such a good night planned. Then suddenly, I felt a pang of guilt. Here I was moaning about missing out on my night while Tom may be dealing with some emergency. I hoped everything was alright and it wasn’t anything serious.
James’s car was in the drive when I got home. How would I explain my early return? Maybe I could just say my friend had an emergency. After all, it was nearly true, just wasn’t the friend he was thinking of.
I left my overnight bag in the hall and made my way through to the lounge. There was no James. He may have gone out, I thought. I needed a drink. I knew there was a bottle of Prosecco in the fridge but couldn’t see it. Damn, James must have beaten me to it. I decided to go and have a bath instead.
I scanned the kitchen before I turned out the light to head upstairs, and something caught my eye. There were two wine glasses on the breakfast bar. That was unusual, I thought. James was fanatical about using too many pots when not needed. I smiled to myself; maybe he was feeling reckless.
I made my way upstairs. As I reached the last few steps, I noticed a light shining from under our bedroom door. I imagined James would be sat in bed clutching his laptop, checking his work.
I thought I could hear voices but was quick to dismiss it as the television in the bedroom. As I grew closer, I recognised James’s voice. He was groaning in a way I had never heard him before, well, at least not with me. A sick, empty feeling surfaced in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t believe it, I couldn’t focus, and I just couldn’t take it in. James was having an affair.
I reached the top step and froze, sinking my bottom onto the stair, resting my head against the bannister with tears streaming down my face. I struggled to stifle the sounds I was making. Why, why would he do this to me? And with who? And why bring her to our bed?
I tried to piece things together in my head, like when did this start and how? In all honesty, it wasn’t too difficult. James had worked long hours and late nights for years, or had he? Wait, what was I thinking? What had I been doing with Tom for the last few months? But that was different. Well, it certainly wasn’t an affair; it was just sex, wasn’t it? My head was spinning, how could I even think that was acceptable?
My mind continued to argue with itself, and all the time in the distance, James continued to give it to her like he had never given it to me. I decided it was no good; I had to confront them. I would walk in, throw her out, and we would discuss what we had both done. I would tell James everything and we would try to sort this terrible mess out.
I stood in front of the door shaking from head to toe, ready to burst in, my heart pounding like a drum. I stopped. Would I be able to live with the memory of James with another woman for the rest of my life? How could I live with that image in my mind? Should I just walk out the door and leave him to his new life? No, I couldn’t and why should I? Surely twenty-four years together counted for something.
I stood there a wreck. A mad rage swept over me, and before I knew it, I had opened the door.
Chapter Nineteen
No one could have prepared me for what was behind that door.
I flung the door open, and two shocked faces stared back at me, two people I knew very well. I couldn’t believe they had done this to me. How could they? I trusted them, and they betrayed me, both of them.
The shock for me was too much. I rushed to the bathroom and began to vomit. James followed me. I felt his hand on my shoulder as he tried to comfort me.
“Alex…”
“Get off me! Leave me alone!” I continued to be sick.
“I’m sorry, Alex, sorry you had to find out like this.” He put his hand back on my shoulder and moved my hair away from my face.
“I said leave me alone! You disgust me!” I yelled.
“We didn’t plan this, it just happened. There was an attraction we couldn’t fight, and I’m sorry, truly sorry.”
I stood up and made my way to the sink, splashing cold water on my face. James sat on the edge of the bath with his head in his hands and began to sob. The pitiful cries that came from him had me almost cradling him like a baby, soothing him, telling him it would all be alright. But then my thoughts were drawn to the other person in my room, and in our bed. How could they?
I looked across at James. “How long?”
“Alex, don’t do this. It doesn’t matter how long.”
“Do you know, James, you’re right, that’s the least of my worries. Why? That’s what I want to know, why?”
James hung his head in shame and shrugged his shoulders. I could hear our friend in the background, scrambling around for their clothes on the bedroom floor. I turned around to leave the bathroom, and James caught my arm. “Alex, let me explain.”
“How could you possibly explain this?” In the distance I could hear laughing. I broke away from James and made my way back to the bedroom, a rage engulfing me. I stood in the doorway feeling exhausted, yet fuelled with adrenalin, and I glared at the person who had been sleeping with my husband.
Before I even had chance to speak, they said, “Oh, if it isn’t Miss Frigid.”
I couldn’t wait to deliver a reply and with a rawness in my voice I answered back, “Actually I’m not frigid. I’m wilder than you could ever imagine, but that’s something you will never experience, Jack.”
I turned around and made my way down the stairs. I could hear Jack laughing in the background. James followed me. “Alex, can we talk?”
I looked at him, a pathetic figure, dressed just in his underwear, who looked so lonely and I wondered how it had come to this. I wondered if he realised that Jack was a player and couldn’t be trusted. I wondered if he even knew how many times Jack had tried it on with me, but most of all, I wondered when he realised he was gay.
“Alex, I’m talking to you.”
“You’re talking to me! I’ve been talking to you for the last twenty-four years and wanting you to listen, but you continuously peered at me over your newspaper or with your gaze fixed on your laptop.” I continued down the staircase and made my way into the kitchen. I reached for the kettle and checked it for water before flicking the switch on and leaning against the work surface.
James slumped onto the stairs and held his head in his hands. I glanced around the room remembering the laughter from the boys and the mess they would leave the kitchen in. And then I caught sight of the two wine glasses and once again I felt sick. I angrily picked them up and slammed them into the sink, smashing them to pieces.
James entered the kitchen. “Alex!” he shouted. I just glared back at him. How dare he shout at me, judge my anger! He sat at the table. “Let’s talk, Alex, we need to talk.”
I blinked back the tears I could feel welling up again. “What would be the point of that?”
James moved towards me. “Please, just let me explain.”
I held my hand up in front of me. “Don’t come any closer.” I pushed past him and made my way into the living room.
Just then I heard Jack come down the stairs. “Does this mean you need to find a hotel for the night, JJ?” He laughed as he said it.
“No, just go, Jack. I need to talk to Alex.”
“Sure, you don’t want me to hold your hand?” “No, I’ll be fine.”
I could still hear Jack in the distance. “Patronising bastard,” I mumbled to myself. I stormed into the hallway. “Just get out, Jack. Now!”
He laughed. “Your face was a picture,” he said as he left, closing the door behind him. I wanted to slap him. Instead I sunk on my knees to the floor and sobbed. James rushed forward to help me up.
“Get off! Just leave me, just leave me alone.” I sobbed uncontrollably, somewhat like a baby.
; Later, as I began to calm down, I could hear James crying. I assumed he was in the living room. I dragged myself to my feet and entered the kitchen. I flicked the kettle on again and went to the sink to wash my hands. It was full of glass, a result of my anger earlier. I carefully gathered as many pieces as possible and placed them in the bin. I made myself a coffee and sat at the table.
I wondered what time it was. I looked up at the clock – ten past seven – well, they didn’t waste much time getting into bed after I left. I felt my stomach turn over at the thought of it. So, that’s why James hadn’t touched me for so long. A single tear rolled down my cheek. How could there be any more? I thought I was all cried out. I rested my head on the table, numbed by the whole thing. I suddenly thought about the boys, about what I would tell them, and began to cry again. What a mess.
James entered the kitchen and I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes “Oh, hi, JJ,” I said sarcastically.
“Don’t, Alex.”
“Huh, JJ! Where the hell did that come from?”
“He’s always called me it since Uni.”
“Well, never in front of me!”
“No, it was a private thing.”
“Huh, I bet it was!”
“So, you’ve been shagging since Uni then, eh?”
“Alex!”
“Sorry does that offend you?!”
“It’s just not you, Alex, that’s all.”
“Funny that, JJ, because there’s a lot we don’t seem to know about each other.”
James sat at the table opposite me. “What are you going to do?”
“Well, I thought we could freshen up and go for a meal somewhere, what do you think?” James looked up at me despairingly. “I don’t know, James. I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
Without Question Page 10