“You screwed that up, sure enough,” he whispered, as the bus came around the bend. He climbed on for the long ride back to school, kept company by unwelcome thoughts. Heydn had seen Blue with Astor Aldrich around campus and it was obvious to him that they had become very cozy. He didn’t see any reason he should even try to get Blue back. It was a no-hope situation. He’d just have to live with the knowledge of how badly he’d screwed up. It was small consolation, but he understood now some of the things his father had tried to explain when he told Heydn why he couldn’t be with him. Heydn actually found himself feeling some sympathy for a man he’d hated most of his life. It was hard to swallow, but Heydn could accept now that his father had made a mistake in the heat of the moment, that he had never wanted children, that it was probably better that he wasn’t around to breed strife from his dissatisfaction. Heydn could see these things quite clearly now, but they were no comfort to the child who had cried for a father that would never come. He was a young man now, beyond childhood’s unreasoning fears, and here he was, making the same mistakes his old man had.
Heydn looked out the window at the lights of Acton as the bus hissed to a stop. He’d really hoped it would be different here and, for a while, it had been. Now, it was a big, tangled, stinking mess that he wanted to turn his back on and run away from as fast and as far as he could go. Maybe if he called Mom, she’d send a ticket to Tokyo. Of course, the money would have to come out of their savings and Mom hated touching the savings account.
Heydn clenched his hands into fists as the bus grunted away from the curb. He wasn’t going to run the way his father had. Maybe he’d never fit in with the yacht-club crowd, but so what? The ones he’d met weren’t all that nice anyway. Maybe he’d never get Blue back, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t try. If others laughed at him for his efforts, he’d ignore it. Public humiliation was the thing that made him cringe, but if he had to, he’d parade naked around the track holding a sign that proclaimed how he felt. He loved Blue Barclay and if he didn’t fight for him, he’d regret it for all time.
Chapter 12 “MerryChristmas!” Lily Aldrich said merrily as Blue opened a box tied with a plaid bow. “That one is from me.”
“Mom, you bought all of them,” Astor reminded her.
“Yes, but they’re not allfrom me,” she said. “Would you pass me another croissant, darling?”
Astor carried the platter of pastries, croissants, and biscotti over to where Lily sat. He settled on the rug in front of the chaise not far from Blue’s chair. “Well, what did Mom get you?” he prompted.
“It’s…” Blue looked up, his eyes wide. “It’s a Count Bloodscar action figure. The original one from the Korean TV series. It’s even got the dagger.”
“Do you like it, dear?” Lily asked.
“Like it? I can’t tell you…. Do you have any idea…? This is…”
“I think he likes it,” Avery Aldrich drawled. “No one’s that good an actor.”
Astor shot his father a look, but didn’t add to the comment. Blue pulled the boxed figure out of the wrapping, anxious to break the tension that had been growing between father and son all morning.
“I don’t see anything under the tree from you,” Lily nudged Astor with her foot.
“Blue and I exchanged gifts last night,” he said. “It’s a tradition we’re starting.”
“That’s lovely, darling.” She held up her Bloody Mary. “To many more Christmases together.” Mr. Aldrich took a drink of his nog, but he didn’t echo his wife’s wish this time. Instead, he became engrossed in a book about ancient architecture that Lily had given him and the rest returned to the unwrapping of the presents. The fire crackled cheerfully. The snow fell outside the picture windows. The cook came in with gingerbread warm from the oven and mulled cider with cinnamon sticks standing in the stoneware mugs. Just after midday, a stag and three does picked their way carefully across the drive and melted into the evergreens on the other side. It was Christmas the way Blue had dreamed it when he was little, right down to the silver glass star at the top of the tree. The only thing that marred it was the undercurrent of bad feeling that never quite rose to the surface, but lurked near enough that Blue could see the shadow now and then. He felt guilty for being relieved when Mr. Aldrich excused himself to make some phone calls that wouldn’t wait on the season.
“It’s not Christmas everywhere, you know,” he said, as he kissed Lily’s cheek on his way out.
“Well, it bloody well should be,” she said, as he passed out of earshot. “Don’t you think so, lads?”
When Astor didn’t speak, Blue cleared his throat. “I think it’s nice to set aside at least one day a year as special and do nothing but be with the people you love.”
“That’s lovely, Blue. Very well-said.” Lily took a small box from the pocket of her quilted satin robe. “Here’s one last gift from me. It’s small, but I’m hoping you’ll like it best of all.”
“You’ve already given me too many presents,” Blue protested.
“Then give them back and take this one.”
“You can have it all, except for Count Bloodscar.”
Lily and Astor laughed and she reached down to tousle his auburn hair. “Just open it,” she commanded.
Blue opened the small box and took out a pin made of silver and tiny jet and crystal beads forming a spiderweb hung with dewdrops. “This is cool.”
“It’s from the early nineteen hundreds and it’s meant to be a tie bar,” Lily said. “But of course you can wear it anywhere you like. Have I said something amusing again?”
“No, Mom,” Astor said, imagining the pin resting in Blue’s belly button. “I’m just having a good time.” Lily looked down at her son and smiled fondly. “I’m so glad, darling.” Astor put his cheek against her knee for a brief moment and everything was all right again, or at least as all right as it could ever be again. He took Blue for an exhilarating snowmobile ride and showed him the frozen waterfall. They made out for a little while on the warm seat of the machine as a territorial bird scolded them from an unseen vantage. The sun went west and they went back to the lodge for dinner. They said their goodbyes to Mr. Aldrich, who would be leaving very early, and everyone retired to their rooms, too full to do anything else but lie down. Still, Blue wasn’t surprised when Astor slipped into his room half an hour later.
“I missed you,” Astor said, as he got beneath the covers.
“It’s been thirty minutes.”
“I know. I can’t believe I stood it for so long.”
“Easy,” Blue said, grabbing Astor’s wrist. “How about a little warm-up before we jump right into the game?”
“Sorry, it’s just that what we did last night was so good, and when I say good, I mean cosmic. I got so excited thinking about it that I’m a little ahead of you.”
Blue put a hand on Astor’s cock. “So I feel. You could crack coconuts with this thing.”
“I wasn’t thinking about using it for anything quite that violent.”
Blue drew his fingers lightly up and down the underside of Astor’s shaft. “What were you thinking of doing with it?”
“Don’t tease me, please.”
“Honestly, I’m a little sore from last night, but if you use a lot of lube and take it real slow, don’t go too deep or anything, it should be all right.”
“No problem. I brought lube with me.”
“I had a feeling. Let me have it.” Blue squeezed gel onto his fingers and reached between his legs. Carefully, thoroughly, he lubricated his sheath, stopping suddenly when the bedside lamp came on.
“Please keep going,” Astor said, easing the sheet back.
“I feel pretty self-conscious with my fingers in my own butthole.”
“It’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.” Astor trailed a finger down Blue’s cock and over his balls to his crack. “I can’t wait to be inside you.”
“Just give me a minute.”
Astor wrapped a hand around Blue’s sha
ft and pumped it. “It’s okay with you that we’re skipping the foreplay?”
“Could you wait?”
Astor shook his head. “My dick feels like it’s going to explode.”
“Then let’s take care of that, and we can have after-play.”
“Sounds good.” Astor moved between Blue’s thighs and lifted one of Blue’s legs to rest on his shoulder. “God, I thought about this all day.” A swift little shiver tightened Blue’s lower belly as the head of Aston’s cock touched his hole. Gently, Astor pressed with his thumb, dimpling Blue’s flesh and pushing the tip of his arousal through the elastic ring. Blue expected some discomfort, but he was surprised by the burning sensation as raw tissues were forced to stretch. Instead of relaxing, his muscles resisted, clamping down on the intruder. Astor groaned with pleasure and thrust instinctively. Blue yelped, pushing at Astor’s thighs as the hard cock sank deeper.
“Stop,” he gasped.
Astor halted and started to pull back.
“No. Don’t move. Just…”
“I’m almost there,” Astor said in a strained voice. “Just one more and I swear I’ll come. Just one.” Blue shook his head as Astor’s cock slid back another few centimeters before it was sheathed to the hilt. Astor’s eyelids fluttered as he came, his seed spooling out deep inside Blue. He took several panting breaths before emptying his lungs in a long exhale. Lowering Blue’s foot to the mattress, Astor carefully disengaged and lay down beside him.
“I’m not exactly a great lover, am I?” he murmured, circling one of Blue’s nipples with a forefinger. “Two thrusts and I’m out.”
Blue batted his hand away. “Are you deaf?”
“What?” Astor looked down into Blue’s face. “What’s wrong?”
“I told you to stop.”
“Right. As in, stop for a second and let me catch my breath.”
“No. As in, stop, this is very painful.”
“I hurt you?”
“Yeah, you hurt me.”
“I’m sorry. If you’d said something…”
“What did you think I meant when I asked you not to move?”
“I didn’t think I was hurting you. I’m so sorry, Blue. Is there anything I can do to make it better?” Astor took hold of Blue’s shaft.
“Please don’t,” Blue said. “Just let me lay here for a little while.”
“Can I hold you?”
Blue shook his head. “I just want to lay here.”
“I’m really sorry. I don’t know why I didn’t stop. Maybe I heard what I wanted to hear.”
“Astor, please stop apologizing. I just need time to adjust.”
“Sounds like you’ve had a little therapy yourself. Sorry. I won’t say another word.” Several minutes crawled by like ants awaiting a signal to attack. Finally, Blue uncurled and turned to face Astor, his thick lashes clumped together with tears. “I do believe you misunderstood me. I don’t think you meant to force me to do anything, but…”
“Oh no,” Astor said. “This can’t be good.”
“The truth is that you did force me and that’s going to be hard to forget, even though it’s already forgiven.” Blue gazed into Astor’s eyes. “This isn’t easy to say. I’ve never told anyone else.”
“You can tell me. It can’t be worse than being suicidal.” “When I was twelve, someone tried to rape me. He hit me really hard and got my pants off while I was dazed. A proctor saw us before anything else happened and pulled the kid off. He was the same age as me, so the grown-ups sent us both to counseling and the authorities were never involved. Technically, I wasn’t raped, but I’ll never forget how it felt to be helpless and I don’t ever want to feel that way again.”
Astor put his hand over his heart. “I swear. I’ll never make you feel helpless.”
“I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt. You can hold me now if you still want to.” Astor swept Blue into his arms and hugged him fiercely. Blue returned the embrace, but the security he’d felt in Astor’s arms was diminished, no longer certain. He and Astor knew a lot more about each other now and there were many things they had in common, things that would make a good basis for a long-term relationship, but Blue was still undecided. When he was with Heydn, everything had a feel of rightness about it, as if he’d found his place in life and needed to do nothing but exist and love Heydn. No matter how right for him Astor might be, Blue didn’t get that same feeling with him. Once again, he wondered if he was foolish for yearning after something that would turn out to be a mirage, but in his heart, he knew that what he felt for Heydn was true love, unselfish and pure. He was trying to be mature and make the smart choice, but something held him back each time he thought he could commit to Astor.
He just couldn’t make himself say the words that Astor wanted to hear.
“Hey,” he whispered. “Are you awake?”
“Yeah.”
“Maybe you should go back to your room now.” “Sure, okay.” Astor got up and pulled on his briefs. “Blue, I’m…”
“I know,” Blue said quickly. “Go to sleep, Astor. We have the whole trip home to talk.” Astor nodded and left quietly. Blue pulled the covers up to his chin and closed his eyes. Life wasn’t getting easier, as he’d imagined it would when he was an adult. It just got more complicated, but at least he could be sure of a handful of hours when he was free of difficult choices. Blue fell asleep and if he dreamed, he didn’t remember in the morning.
Chapter 13
“Everyoneplease settle for just a minute,” Mr. McIntyre gently called the Drama Club to order. “Now you know that my policy is to let the students themselves do all of the work of preparing a play and then I step in on opening night and take all the credit, but…” He was interrupted by laughter and a few calls of protest. “Thank you. As you know, our new play was written by our very own male version of Dorothy Parker, Peyton Crane. If you don’t know who Dorothy was, Peyton will be happy to explain later. I only have a couple of things to say and then I’ll be out of your hair again for a while. First, the board of directors of the school has raised objections to the script I sent for approval.” He waited for the noises of dismay to die down. “However, I’ve set up a meeting wherein I believe I can stroke their egos sufficiently to make those itchy objections go away.” He waited once more for laughter to dissipate. “The second matter is our lack of an actor to fill the role of Bully Boy Primus. You’ll be happy to know I’ve found someone and he’ll be at practice today. That is all, except to say that you’re doing an excellent job. If anyone has questions or suggestions, I’ll be in my office for the next hour.”
Blue looked at Peyton, but he could tell by the other young man’s expression that Peyton didn’t know about either of the announcements. He watched Peyton follow Mr. McIntyre and return almost immediately. Peyton came to where Blue was directing a couple of juniors in the assembly of a bizarre jungle gym structure. Before Peyton could speak, the side door opened, admitting a strong shaft of sunlight and Heydn Case. Blue looked quickly away, as Heydn walked toward the stage.
“What’s he doing here?” Blue whispered harshly to Peyton.
“Auditioning.”
“What?”
“He asked McIntyre about joining the Drama Club and here he is.”
“No way.” “Yes way.” Peyton looked over Blue’s shoulder. “Case, what a surprise, or it would be if McIntyre hadn’t announced you. Tell me; I’m curious. What was it that made you realize that you’d always wanted to be on the stage?”
“My guidance counselor says it’ll be good for my self-confidenceand spiff up my permanent record,” Heydn answered. “Hi, Blue.”
“Hello,” Blue said and gave his attention back to the project.
“That would go together easier if you laid it flat on the ground and then raised it into place with some ropes and pulleys, or somethin’.”
“Are you here to audition for the cast or crew?” Peyton asked.
“Wherever you can use me.”
; “Over here,” Peyton gestured and walked to the far side of the stage. Blue waited until Heydn was gone and then directed the builders to lay the painted PVC tubes out on the floor. The sections of the combination playground toy and combat training apparatus were much easier to fit together and didn’t require any ladders. Seeing how quickly the work was going, Blue left his crew for a few minutes to talk to Peyton. He tried not to look at Heydn, but his eyes were drawn to the other young man and he saw how Heydn’s hair was the color of aged honey in the sun and that his eyes were the blue-gray of a storm cloud, the way his upper lip curled at the corners as though he kept a couple of extra smiles tucked away there, the little scar on his right cheekbone like a tiny divot in the soft skin…
“Blue,” Peyton said again. “Did you want something, or are you having some kind of out-of-body experience?”
Blue blinked. “The slayground piece will be ready soon. Do you want it in place or should we just move it aside for now?”
“Oooh, I’m tempted to say set that sucker up, but if it gets damaged…” “We’ll fix it,” Heydn put in. “It’s just plastic painted to look like jagged metal, right? We can saw off anything that gets broken and weld it back together with PVC cement. Nobody’s actually going to be crawling around on it, are they?”
“Of course not,” Peyton said. “There isn’t enough liability insurance in the world.”
“It looks amazing. Great job on the painting. It reminds me a little bit of the decaying techno city in Extro Metro Mortuary.”
“Thanks,” Blue responded curtly to the compliment. “Peyton, what’s the word?”
“Put it in place,” Peyton decided. “If it breaks, we’ll let Heydn the Handyman fix it.”
“Fine.” Blue turned and walked away.
Peyton made a show of hugging himself and shivering dramatically. “Did you just feel a chill?”
“Look,” Heydn said. “If you want to poke at me because I was stupid enough to let Blue go, all I can do is wonder why you picked such an easy target.” “You look.” Peyton took a step closer to Heydn and lowered his voice. “If you came here thinking you’d find a way to get Blue back, you’re wasting your time, and if you screw up my play…” His voice trailed off.
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