“Shit,” I growled, taking off for the gym doors.
“Go get her, tiger!” Ashton called after me.
God, I hoped so. But somehow, I had the feeling it wouldn’t be that simple. Not with Darla. She had the biggest heart of anyone I knew and she couldn’t hold a grudge to save her life, but she was fragile. Her parents didn’t want to think about the fact that their daughter was becoming a woman, so they just ignored it and hoped it would go away. She was dealing with an onslaught of new emotions and experiences right now, and her parents hadn’t given her the tools to cope with any of it. Just from the look on Darla’s face before she ran out of the gym, I knew that my colossal screw-up had broken her, and she had absolutely no idea how to process it.
The second I opened the door, I heard Darla’s sobbing, and it tore my heart into a million pieces. I never wanted to be the reason she was this upset. Ever. I wanted to be the one who dried her tears, not the one who produced them.
I jogged over to stand in front of her, and her tear-streaked face with eyeshadow, foundation, and mascara smudged all over it made me want to cry all over again. I tried to pull her into my arms, but she shoved me off.
“Leave me alone, Brendan!” she wailed.
Choking down the lump in my throat, I took a deep breath. “Nope. Not until we talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” she sniffled. “I know I don’t have a right to be upset, but you made your choice. The least you can do is not rub it in my face.”
Was it wrong that a little bit of hope started to bubble inside me? Because she wouldn’t have been this upset if my feelings were one-sided, would she?
“Dar, it’s not—”
“Don’t call me that!” she spat. “You don’t get to call me that anymore! You don’t get to act like nothing’s changed. Not when you didn’t even respect me enough to even tell me. You let me find out through your mom! You knew how I felt, Brendan. Even if you didn’t feel the same way, even if you just liked me as a friend, you knew. A friend would have paid me the common courtesy of telling me the truth. But you were too much of a coward. You made your choice. Now you get to deal with the consequences.”
Those million pieces that my heart was in? Well, now they’d been ground into dust.
I knew it was stupid to be upset over her not wanting me to call her “Dar” anymore. It wasn’t even a particularly original nickname, but it was ours. I was the only person she’d ever let call her that. But now I’d screwed up so spectacularly that she didn’t even consider me a friend anymore.
And, realistically, I was the one who didn’t have a right to be upset here. Because my heart might have been dust right now, but hers was obviously dissolved down to the molecular level, thanks to my idiocy.
Before I even realized what I was doing, my hand was on Darla’s cheek and my lips were on hers. For a second, she stiffened, and then she tried to push me off again, but I just slid my other arm around her waist and held her tighter, refusing to let her go. Because the thing was, I knew she didn’t really hate me. And I knew she didn’t really want me to stop. What she really wanted right now was for me to fight for her. Like I should have been doing all along. Like I’d spend the rest of my life doing.
Finally, she gave in, letting out a whimper as she wrapped her arms around my neck and started to move her lips with mine.
This wasn’t even close to how I’d wanted my first kiss – our first kiss – to happen. I was supposed to take her out on a date somewhere. I was supposed to pull out all the stops and treat her like the queen she was, and then find a reason to kiss her at the end of the night. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, in a moment of desperation, trying to make her understand the depth of my feelings for her.
But I wouldn’t have changed this moment for the world. She tasted like a combination of fake strawberry – probably from the lip gloss she was wearing – and the watered-down fruit punch they were serving tonight, but underneath that, she just tasted like…home. I poured everything I was feeling, all of the pain, heartache, and regret, accompanied by more love than I ever knew I could feel for another person, into it. As she parted her lips and let me slip my tongue into her mouth and stroke against hers, I swore I saw stars. I felt her soft moans down to the very fiber of my being, and I swallowed each and every one of them like a starving man at a banquet.
The thought crossed my mind that I should have been fumbling my way through this. First kisses were supposed to be awkward and uncomfortable and you weren’t supposed to have the first clue what you were doing. But I wasn’t fumbling, not even a little bit. As intense and crazy and new as this was, it also felt like I’d done it a thousand times before. Kissing Darla was as easy and right and natural as breathing, and I knew I’d never get enough. I would have spent the rest of my life with my lips on hers, showing her what I didn’t have the words to say, if I could have. But much too soon, my need for oxygen overrode my need to keep this connection alive, and I pulled back, resting my forehead on hers as I tried to catch my breath.
“I made my choice a long time ago, Dar,” I whispered, wiping the tears from her cheeks with my thumb. “For my whole life, it’s only ever been you. And I should have made sure there was never a doubt in your mind about that.”
“Brendan…” she trailed off as a fresh round of tears came to her eyes and spilled over.
I swiped a few of the droplets away and took another breath. “I was always going to talk to you tonight. I couldn’t take this holding pattern we’ve been in for the past couple of months anymore. And Heather was meeting her girlfriend, Christy, here. She just didn’t feel like she could come as Christy’s date. Only a few people know about them.”
“Her girlfriend?” she asked, so quietly I almost didn’t hear her.
“Yeah,” I chuckled weakly. “They’ve been going out since this summer. My mom didn’t know the part about Heather being gay, but she did know that we were just coming here as friends. She was just playing her stupid head games, yet again. I have no idea why, but she’s been telling me to stay away from you and keep Nate away from you for the past couple of years. I just couldn’t do it, because you’re too important to both of us. And I thought that maybe if your dad thought there was a big group of us coming here together and I had another date, he’d let it slide. That’s the whole reason Heather was even part of this at all. I should have led with the part where Heather and I were just coming as friends when I asked if you and Naomi wanted to come with us, and I’m so sorry I didn’t, but I didn’t think I had to. I thought you knew I’d never hurt you like that. I thought you knew how much I love you.”
Darla’s breathing sped up, and she shook her head as she put her hands on my shoulders and tried to push me back. As much as it killed me, I backed up just enough to give her some room to breathe. If I’d screwed this up and blown my chance with her, it was no one’s fault but my own.
“I can’t do this, Brendan,” she sniffled, still hyperventilating a little. “I can’t.”
It felt like my legs were going to give out under me and my chest tightened as I tried desperately to keep tears from leaking out of my eyes. I didn’t have the right to cry. I’d brought this on myself. And right now, it wasn’t about me. It was about her, and I got the feeling that she didn’t want to be here anymore. I’d ruined her night; the least I could do was give her an escape.
“Do you want me to take you home?” I asked her.
“You can’t,” she mumbled. “Heather’s still here.”
Damn it. She was right. But then again, Heather wasn’t here alone. Not anymore.
Almost as if on cue, the gym door opened and Heather came out, accompanied by…oh, my God. It was Christy Panetierre, the captain of the varsity cheerleading squad. No wonder they didn’t want to advertise their status as a couple. Even though Heather was a cheerleader, she wasn’t exactly popular. She was kind of like me: she got along with everyone, but she didn’t really stand out. But Christy? She might as well have
been the Charleston High mascot. If word got out that she was dating a girl, she would have been crucified.
One look at us made Heather’s face fall, like she knew exactly what was happening. Or, rather, what wasn’t happening.
“We just thought we’d come check on you guys,” she said quietly. “Do you need anything?”
“Yeah, actually. Um, do you think you can get another ride home, Heather?” I asked. “Darla’s not feeling well.”
I knew she could see right through me – and through Darla – but what was happening right now was between us, and I didn’t need to bring anyone else into it. It wasn’t my place. Involving other people was what had screwed this situation up to begin with.
Christy gave us a sad smile. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll get her home.”
“Wait,” Heather interjected. “Darla, come with me.”
Darla looked at her like she had three heads.
“We’re just going to go into the bathroom for a minute to get you cleaned up,” Heather said softly. “Your makeup’s a mess.”
Taking a deep breath, Darla nodded and walked toward Heather, who led her into the bathroom.
“Well, this turned into a gong show,” Christy chuckled weakly.
I snorted. “Understatement of the century. I’m an idiot.”
“You’re not an idiot. I hope you don’t mind, but Heather told me pretty much everything. From the sound of it, you were trying to protect Darla. You just tried a little too hard by not letting her in on the whole plan.”
“I swear to God, I thought she knew how I felt about her,” I sighed.
She smiled. “Something I’ve learned? Us girls, we try to protect ourselves. We tell ourselves that our feelings are one-sided, because that makes it easier when we find out the person we fell for doesn’t feel the same way. Do you know how long it took Heather and I to finally come to our senses and realize that our feelings were mutual? I swear, it was like herding cats.”
I chuckled, but didn’t say anything. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I felt like I should have known that, but I guessed that was what I got for not even looking at any other girl for my whole life. I had absolutely no idea how the female mind worked.
“My point is, if you care about Darla as much as you seem to, spell it out for her,” she continued. “Don’t leave any room for doubt. It might take a little time, but those tears? They tell me that she cares just as much about you.”
Heather and Darla re-emerged from the bathroom with Darla’s face now wiped clean, though her eyes and cheeks were still red and puffy from crying. Instead of letting Darla leave with me right away, Heather led her over to Christy.
“Chris, this is my friend Darla,” she said. “Darla, this is my girlfriend, Christy.”
“It’s really nice to meet you, Darla,” Christy told her. “Heather’s told me a lot about you. She said you’re awesome with the kids at your church.”
“Especially with Brendan’s little brother,” Heather said, flashing me a grin.
Yeah, sure, she could just dig me deeper into this hole. That was fine. Not like this night wasn’t already a disaster of epic proportions.
Darla chuckled awkwardly, and if it was possible, her cheeks got a little redder. “He’s a sweet kid.”
Heather gave her a quick hug, then turned and looked at me. “I’ll see you guys at church tomorrow.”
I nodded, and the happy couple went back inside. Then I turned my attention to the heartbroken girl in front of me. I hated myself for being the cause of any of her pain, and I couldn’t help feeling like I was the reason for her shutting down like she had. I knew her dad was part of the equation too, but I felt like she would have been more open to what I was saying if I hadn’t screwed up so spectacularly.
But there was nothing I could do about it except try my best to make it up to her and hope that she’d give me another chance eventually.
“Come on, Dar,” I murmured, brushing a kiss on her forehead. “Let’s get you home.”
Chapter 11
Darla
Fade to Grey
The ride back to my house was silent. The kind of silence that was so heavy and thick that it threatened to suffocate me.
My head was such a jumbled mess of emotions, and I didn’t even know which way was up anymore. One minute, Brendan was showing up to the dance with Heather. The next, he was telling me that she was gay and he’d only come to the dance with her so he could spend time with me. And the next, he was kissing me and telling me that he’d chosen me a long time ago and he loved me.
Oh, my gosh. Brendan had kissed me. I’d had my first kiss tonight, and it was everything I’d ever imagined it would be and more. Well, realistically, I’d sort of pictured my first kiss as being awkward and weird because I wouldn’t know what I was doing. My dad even hated when I watched the kisses at the end of Disney movies and usually turned them off right before that part if he was in the room, so I literally had zero reference material. But somehow, none of it had mattered. In that moment, it was just automatic and effortless and absolutely perfect. My lips still tingled, and I could still taste the spearmint gum he’d obviously chewed right before he showed up at the dance tonight.
And the worst part was, my first kiss was probably going to be my last kiss. I shouldn’t have even given in tonight. I knew the rules in my house. I was not allowed to partake in any of the sins of the flesh, and if I did, I would be punished as the Lord commanded, along with the man I’d sinned with. And…well, I knew what the Lord had commanded for fornicators and adulterers, and it wasn’t something I wanted to test my father on.
Except that kissing Brendan, loving him, didn’t feel like a sin. It felt…beautiful. Pure. Like it was meant to be. For that one minute in time, everything felt right in the world. Just like it always did when he had his arms around me. Maybe it was stupid, but when I was with him, I just felt this sense of peace and safety that I’d never felt with anyone else before. Like God was trying to tell me that was where I belonged.
But allowing it to happen was against my father’s rules, and I knew what would happen if he found out about it. So I’d had to break both my heart and Brendan’s, because I wasn’t allowed to let it continue. I just didn’t know how to explain that to him.
Brendan pulled his car into my driveway and put it in park, then turned to look at me. The heartbreak I saw in his eyes killed me, and I hoped he knew how much my heart was breaking too. I hoped he knew that I wasn’t mad at him anymore and that if I’d had a choice, I would have chosen him. But there was no choice. My father’s word was absolute law.
“Brendan, I’m—” I started.
“Shh,” he whispered, putting a hand on my face and stroking my cheek with his thumb. “It’s okay, Dar. Just get some rest. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
I put my hand over his, and I knew I should pull it away, but I couldn’t. He cracked half a smile, but the anguish in his eyes remained. Then he leaned forward and pressed a feather-light kiss to my forehead.
“You looked beautiful tonight,” he said, his lips still touching my skin. “I didn’t get a chance to say that.”
Darn it. Why did he still have to be so sweet? My eyes stung for the thousandth time tonight, and the hundredth lump rose in my throat, but I swallowed down my tears. I could not start crying again, not while I was about to walk back into my house – after getting out of a different car than I’d left in.
“Thanks,” I mumbled. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Though I had no plans to talk to him about any of this. I couldn’t. Because talking about it would just make it harder.
“See you tomorrow,” he said, his voice breaking.
I opened the car door, grabbed my purse, and got out, pulling my key out of my bag as I walked up to my front door. A sense of dread washed over me as I stuck the key in the lock, and everything in me was screaming to run back to Brendan’s car and ask him to take me somewhere else, anywhere else. But I swallowed my fear and ope
ned the door…and found myself staring into my father’s hard, angry eyes.
“I instructed you that you were not to leave Naomi’s side at that dance,” he growled. “I instructed you that you were not to even speak to any boys. And what did you do? You got into a fucking car with a boy!”
Oh, my gosh, no. He’d seen Brendan in the car. And if he’d seen Brendan in the car, that meant that he’d seen him kiss my forehead. More tears started to bubble up as I thought about all the possibilities of what could happen to Brendan tomorrow morning just because he’d given me a ride home while I was upset, but I swallowed them down.
“I’m sorry, Dad,” I choked out. “I wasn’t feeling well, and Brendan offered to bring me home so Naomi didn’t have to leave early. I didn’t think you’d mind.”
“Didn’t fucking think I’d mind?!” he roared. “You deliberately disregarded my directives! This is why you’re never permitted to attend any functions other than church! You can’t be trusted not to succumb to the desires of the flesh! Women are all the fucking same! You’re fucking weak! You just can’t fucking help yourselves, and you all think with your genitals!”
Even though not feeling well was just supposed to be a cover story, when he started to unbuckle his belt, my stomach actually turned and I felt bile rise in my throat. I’d never seen my dad this mad. Sure, he’d cursed at me before, but this was on a whole other level. And his eyes weren’t just angry; they were enraged. Wild. Uncontrolled. I was actually afraid of what he’d do with that belt.
“Dad, please,” I whimpered as I started to back away from him. “Please.”
“Please, please,” he mocked. “Please what?!”
What was he doing? He’d never been this cruel before. He’d never been this out of control.
“Please don’t,” I murmured. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”
Okay, so that was a lie. I had done something wrong. I’d let a boy kiss me. Well, not just any boy. The boy I loved. The boy who, in another lifetime, I might have spent my life with.
My Vows Are Sealed (Sealed With a Kiss) Page 11